Bits and pieces

Today, I am feeling relatively at peace. Mostly because I have not thought about our budget at all yet. I don't have the exact numbers anyway, so there is no point in doing it yet anyway, and for now, surprisingly, I have been able to just let it go. I am only hoping that when the actual numbers come in, the cut won't be quite as deep as we are thinking. I don't even think I mentioned that the salary cut is coming in the form of reduced health care benefits, and very substantial increases in the amount that I will have to pay toward premiums, deductible and services. But as that has been a part of my compensation package for the last 10 years, and we have no other option (ie W doesn't have any insurance that we can check into - I am the sole person with the ability, at least right now, to provide health insurance for our family) it IS a direct pay cut. And I know I am by no means alone in this, and we are lucky to HAVE health coverage, but dammit, it is still a roughly 20% pay cut all at once, and jeezus, how can they just DO that to someone?? And not just me, who has been there for 10 years, but EVERYBODY; even the guy that has been there for 25 years. They have always said, 'We are a small, family orientated company, we care about you, we are a family here'...yada yada yada, all a bunch of shit.

And, there is a LOT more to the whole story, stuff I will not share as it is confidential company information; the reason the cuts are needed is pretty sad and disgusting when you get right down to it, but let me just say that the future is not bright at all around that place, and I don't see myself still there a year from now. Or should say that I seriously hope and plan that I won't be there a year from now. Unless something DRASTICALLY changes soon.

Enough of that, though. I have fun news today too.

L slept in his toddler, aka 'big boy' bed, last night!! I am pretty sure I have talked about the fact that we set it up a while ago, but as of yet, he has been extremely reluctant to sleep in there at night. He LOVES to play in it, but when it comes time to sleep in it, he has so far THOUGHT he wanted to, but as soon as I would leave the room he would get scared and want to go in his crib. Which I have just let him do. It's not so dire that I need to force the kid out of his crib if he isn't ready.

But last night, when we got done reading books, he told me 'I haf ta lay down in my big boy bed!' and so I said sure, but reminded him that if he wants to sleep there he has to STAY IN BED, and I will be checking and if I come up and find him out of bed then he will have to go into his crib. He said 'otay, mama' and layed down. I checked on him every 5-10 minutes, and each time he was still in bed. There was one time when I heard a loud crash and went up to find him standing at the window (still in his bed, as it is right under the window) and that he has pulled the screwdriver out that was holding the window open (I know, I know, that is not a very good set up now that he is sleeping right there - that is W's assignment, to rig a better way to keep the window open) and the window had crashed shut. It scared him pretty good though, and between that and my threats that he better leave it alone or he will get a BIG ouchie, he didn't touch it again.

It probably took him about 45 minutes total to fall asleep, but he did. With his feet at the head of the bed and his head at the foot; but he didn't fall out all night, which I was worried about since he is such a restless sleeper like his dad. When I woke him up this morning I made a big deal about praising him for being such a big boy and sleeping in his big boy bed. So hopefully he is going to make the transition smoothly now!

**SIGH** it is again, as always, a bittersweet moment. I am excited for him to come into our room on a Saturday morning and climb into bed with us and wake us up! But not looking forward to if or when he figures out that he is no longer confined in his bed and can test me at bedtime by getting out of bed! Hopefully he won't ever get there...he never tried to climb out of his crib, though I have no doubts he would have been fully capable of it had he tried.

He also made another step showing he is getting closer to wanting to potty train...the other night we were at my mother in laws for dinner and as they came in from outside to sit down at dinner, he told me 'Mama, I pooped, needa change my diaper'...usually, when he poops, he will deny it till the end of the day!! LOL...even when you catch him in the act of it, grunting and tensing and all, and you ask if he is pooping, he will say "No, I not poopeen". And he has been content to continue on about his day for as long as possible without getting his diaper changed. So that was the first time he showed the initiative to want to have his diaper changed, which is definitely a step in the right direction! YAY!

Speaking of W's assignments (lol) he DID get my garden tilled, although it is a bit of a sore subject as he did NOT listen to me for location, and did not even go with the location that HE brought to the table that I actually liked better than mine, but put it at the bottom of the yard at the dang tree line, which as soon as the few large trees there get all there leaves, is going to be too darn shady to support vegetables. At least that is my opinion. So I am reluctant to even plant anything for the fear that it is going to be a waste of time. But I will do it, and already told him that if it doesn't work this year, he WILL be redoing it in a different location for next year. MEN. I swear. Sometimes even the best of them are just so frustrating! ;0)

Trying to hold it together...

I am trying to hold it together, trying to look at the bright side, which is that I still have a job, but it's hard to think about anything but how you are going to make ends meet when you get told you are taking a paycut of anywhere from 15-25% (on top of the fact that your husband is laid off indefinitely and you are having a baby in two months and things were going to get squeezed to the max as it was before you got the newest news).

I won't know until closer to August what the actual cut will be. What I DO know right now is that I HAVE to have this baby before August 1. Please oh please oh please baby you have to come before August 1.

And I DO know I will be having a breakdown on my drive home.

1/2 a pound and a swimming head

I had my monthly check up yesterday, and I actually put my hands in the air and cheered "WHOOO HOOO" when I stood on the scale and it told me I had gained 1/2 a pound!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Now, i am not COMPLETELY weight obsessed, especially because I KNOW that to some extent our bodies are going to do what they are going to do when pregnant, and I know I eat a PRETTY well rounded diet, and I am still walking about 2 miles 4 or 5 times a week, but SERIOUSLY, after 8# 2 months ago and then 13# lsst month, I really needed this small weight gain this month. For my own emotional stability. That puts my total at 25# with 11 weeks or so to go, which is okay. It may not sound like a lot, but when you start out on the not so tiny side to begin with, it is plenty. My goal this time is to keep it under 40#, which would STILL put me at almost the same ending weight as last time, which is no little number, but overall, I am okay with how it is going...

Also good yesterday was that my blood pressure is still looking lovely, so no bedrest yet! YAY!

I also had my baby Soul Portrait session yesterday, and it was very cool, but honestly has left my head swimming. There is one part in particular that we talked about, that leaves me....confused? Scared? Questioning my personal strength and my strength to make hard choices when it comes to the best interest of my children. Because, as parents, isn't that our goal? To do the best we can by them? It has to do with letting go of the notion that MY families life (my family in this instance meaning W, I and our children) need not be completely based on the traditions of what I grew up with...of really questioning WHY I feel so tied to this geographical location, and if it is simply because it is 'what I know' and whether or not it is going to be the MOST beneficial and most NURTURING place for my family. I have often wondered why we stay here...I remember thinking one time "We are adults, we could go live ANYWHERE we want...we could write a completely different life for ourselves, why don't we?" W has often talked about moving away...Alaska and Colorado being two areas he has talked about on numerous occassions...but I am a true Capricorn, and change and the unknown are REALLY HARD for me. But it came up yesterday that we may, in the future, find ourselves needing to think about those things again. And she asked me if I was ready to make decisions like that if they were for the best for my children. I sure hope I am. And she said that this baby is going to push us to be more than we think we are... And she specifically mentioned a place that W has mentioned in the past, which was one of those freaky things...

And there is so much more, but I guess I am not going to get into it right now...

I don't know...it was weird and great and amazing all at the same time. And it has left me feeling a little ungrounded today. I didn't have a chance to take a photo of the Soul Portrait, but I will, I promise, and it is beautiful.

W's assignment for today is to borrow the neighbors tiller and get a plot tilled for our garden and get the compost tilled into the earth so I can sow some seeds this weekend. I am up north, so not really *behind* schedule on planting, but I definitely need to get a move on. So I am REALLY hoping he gets that done for me today...If I wasn't so pregnant, I would TOTALLY just do it myself and not wait on him, but I am thinking I should just leave manhandling the tiller to the man this time, LOL...My dad and I had a garden for quite a few years when I was a kid, but it has been a LOOOOOOONG time, and so we are going to go slow, and just do a small-ish garden this year, and go from there. I am going to do tomatoes, peppers (I want to do salsa this fall if I get enough of a yield!), pickling cucumbers (for pickles, obviously), some melons cuz L and I LOOOOOVE melon, Peas in a pod, carrots, and onions maybe. I would like to do so much more, but I think that will be good for this year and gettting a hang of the farming thing again :0) I also am going to get some herbs going in pots that I can bring inside this fall and hopefully continue to have fresh herbs growing inside over the winter.

Mommy instinct was right again...

Poor L has an ear infection again. He has been congested and coughing since the latter part of last week, and started diggin in his ear a little this weekend, so I figured it was coming...with him, it has been pretty consistant in his short two years that if he gets really congested, he is going to have an ear infection. His little ears are still learning how to function properly.

Last night he started crying as soon as I put him down to bed...and not an 'I don't want to go to bed so I am going to cry to try and get my way' cry, which BTW, doesn't work on me anymore; but a definite 'this freakin' hurts' cry. I gave him some Tylenol and got him to sleep, but he awoke a couple hours later crying, and from there it was a lot of rocking, crying, frustration and not much sleep. He finally fell asleep with me in our bed about 4:30, and when I got up for work, I left him sleep there with Daddy. I got him an appt and W took him in. But he doubted me; when I called him to tell him when the appt was, he said "L's running all over like a wild man, happy as all get out, not acting sick at all" to which I replied that it won't hurt to have them checked out anyway, just to make sure. Seriously? I knew there was something wrong, because he NEVER sleeps that horribly unless something is wrong.

So, unfortunately, my instincts were right, and he does have an infection, but I am glad I trusted myself and sent him to the Dr, as it was not a wasted trip.

L

Better Now - with UPDATE

I am back at it today and feeling 100% better, thank my stars. Last week was horrible; every time I thought I was feeling better I would soon enough be assured that I was no where near better. I ate toast and bananas and applesauce all week. Thankfully, L didn't get the worst of it, although his stomach is a little wacky as evidenced by his diapers the last few days (I assure you, once the baby arrives, I am making a deal with W that I will change EVERY SINGLE baby diaper as long as he changes L's poopies!!!! I will take that yellow, seedy, up the back of the diaper breastmilk poop over grilled cheese and big people food poop anyday. C'mon potty training...)

I am super backlogged on reading my blogs!! It will take me 3 times as long to catch up, I think. Being down a week really sets you back!!

Luckily, last week was a slower week at work, and if I needed to take time off, it was at least a good time work wise...although I hate eating up so much PTO all at once, and to lay around being sick, none the less. Technically, I only used 3 days...but 3 precious days I could have used for something fun like a me day, or a day to spend time with L enjoying the nice weather! Since I am salary, 1/2 days or less don't really count against our PTO, unless you abuse it, of course.

The thing I love about being so sick is how appreciative I feel when I finally feel better! Even the screaming ache in my hips and back seem to have quieted down a bit for now.

Yesterday was okay. I could have handled a much more relaxing day, but at least I got a pretty decent walk in, and a short nap. But much of the day was spent running around, visiting the other mothers in my life. Even though I am a mom myself now, the day still seems to be more about our moms. Only because I allow it to be though, I suppose. And I love W to death, but I must say, I could stand him to be a little more sentimental and thoughtful and romantic when it comes to things like Mother's day and birthdays. But I knew this about him, and chose to love him anyway. He has come so far in so many other ways in our time together, that I still hold out hope that he will come around a bit on this, too.

*UPDATE*

I am so excited! I have this pyschic medium friend who is just so amazing, and does these wonderful spirit guide sessions she calls Soul Portraits. It is a reading / healing session...she connects with your spirit guides to bring forth the information that you need at the time...if you check out the link she explains it better...And you come home with a beautiful, completely unique, piece of artwork.

Anyway, I have had oh...5 or 6 sessions with her in the last 8 years, and am convinced that she sees and is open to things which most of us do / are not. The first time I had a session with her, we did not know each other at all, and she blew me away, and convinced me, a skeptical believer if you will, that she is genuine...that session was mostly focused on my friend Lynda who had recently died in a tragic car accident caused by a drunk driver. It was one of the most spiritually healing experiences I have ever had. Over the years, I have come to call her my friend, and she has continued to make me a believer in her gifts. I have seen her leave several of my friends as blown away as I was and have been.

Over the years and through my multiple sessions with her, we have talked about my children; which at the times of most of the sessions, were still 'future' children...I am so excited because she not only does Soul Portraits of adults, but also of children, and even babies IN THE WOMB! I am going to see her on Thursday to have a mini Soul Portrait done of this baby, and I am very, VERY excited. She has conveyed messages to me that already seem to be playing out when it comes to L, and I am excited to see what this baby's spirit guides are going to tell me. I already believe that my friend Lynda has been with this baby, and will continue to be with this baby as a guide, which makes my heart happy, and makes me even more excited about this session, as it presents a chance to reconnect with her as well.

I will post a photo of the Soul Portrait on Friday. Wish me fun!

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.