Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I hope you all have family and/or friends to spend tomorrow with, and lots and lots of delicious, fattening food to gorge yourselves on. I know that's my plan; I can't wait for W's uncles ham, his real cooked cranberries (no more jellied cranberries for this girl ;0) ), some pumpkin pie, a little green bean casserole (c'mon, you know you love it. And if you don't know what green bean casserole is, I'm sorry. Truly.)

I love Thanksgiving save for one thing; we have THREE places to go this year. THREE. Usually it's only two, but my brother and his wife decided that they should have Thanksgiving at HER PARENTS house this year and celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday at the same time. Sooo, we will be going over there to watch B open her presents at 11am, jet over to W's uncles at about noon or so to eat at 1pm, probably try to get home and sneak a little nap in for L, and then at 5pm we will be going to dinner at W's dad's wife's family's house (did ya get that? We don't call her his step mom because she is only 5 years older than W.) I am hoping maybe they have some different, yummy food tradition in their family since we have never been to their Thanksgiving dinner before and something different would be cool...

Oh, I almost forgot, tonite we are going to W's mom's house for dinner, and then L will be staying over night there so W and I can go out...it is a pretty big party night in our small town; a lot of people are back in town for the holiday and it is most always a fun night of meeting up with people we haven't seen in a long time.

Needless to say, by about 8pm tomorrow night, L's bedtime, I will be stuffed, bloated, frazzled from running all day, and ready to crash on the couch. I love it.

I hope everyone is feeling equally as bloated, tired, done with family and THANKFUL for all of it as I will be.

Congratulations are in order...

One more thing I have to say today...

Since I have been stuck on the re-curring theme of alcoholism in my life, I have come across it again today.

But today, it is in a good way.

I have had the wonderful luck of 'meeting' this amazing woman in the big blogger world, who celebrated 9 years sober as of yesterday. What an awesome achievement.

So, CONGRATULATIONS, Kori. I really do think you are an amazing woman, and it lifts my spirits to see you reach another year sober. I can only imagine that it is not always easy. I wish you a lifetime of sobriety milestones.

I also wish your entire family peace in your current struggle.

(((hugs)))

Fun facts

I am still feeling all out-of-sorts from finding out about my friend relapsing as well as a more recent development in my life (which I will blog about in the near future) and so my brain is really having a hard time wrapping itself around any type of meaningful blog-able fodder. I have been wanting to do one of these fun fact lists for awhile, so I guess now is as good a time as ever.

1) I am a cat person. I have two, and before L came along, they were my babies.

2) I played the violin for 8 years, still have my violin, and can still squeak off some pleasing notes and read music.

3) My dad's nickname for me growing up was Squirt.

4) I have one brother who is 18 mos older than me whom I love SO SO MUCH. We've been through a lot together, to say the least.

5) When we were growing up, we had a sort of hobby farm...at one time we had 18 outside cats, most of which got killed on the road, but we always had some running around...We also had at some point or another: 4 cows (they got shipped off and butchered and we ate them), chickens (don't know how many, just know it was multiple), whose eggs we collected and ate, bunny I, II, II and probably IV, 2 pigs, a lamb, Mikey, who thought he was a dog, who would scratch on the screen door thinking we would let him in the house like the dogs, a goat (who head-butted me in the ass one time) and dogs...There was Penny and Buffy when I was little, then Buffy had to be put down, then we got Katie, so it was Penny and Katie, then Penny had to go down so we got Amber and it was Amber and Katie when I moved out of my parents house. Both Amber and Katie have now since passed.

6) We also had gerbils for awhile, and they had babies, and I used to have nightmares that those nasty, hairless little babies got loose in the house and it FREAKED.ME.OUT and I wanted to drown the little nasty bastards. I sometimes still have nightmares about hairless rodents infesting my house.

7) I took Spanish for a few years in HS. I still know it fairly well.

8) Before I knew what pot REALLY looked like, we smoked these hollow reeds that we found up our backroad in the woods that we THOUGHT were pot (WTF?!! That was obviously before the whole D.A.R.E. campaign cuz they totally showed us what pot looked like, but by THEN we had figured out our error and already knew what it looked like). They were the harshest thing in the world, and I am sure we thought the headache we got from coughing so hard was from being high. We thought we were so cool. HA!

9) I smoked pot (the real stuff, not weird reeds I found in the woods!) pretty much daily from the time I was 15 until sometime in my early 20's. I still enjoy it on rare occasions, which is MUCH more enjoyable than smoking it every day!

10) I think that if anything should be illegal, it should be alcohol, not marijuana.

11) When I was probably 10 we started stealing my moms cigarette butts and smoking them. One time, my brother and I and a neighbor kid were smoking in the attic of my dad's garage, and my brother left matches on the insulation up there, and my dad found it and ROYALLY chewed our asses and grounded us. For awhile.

12) I have tried LOTS of drugs at least once, but have never done Heroin or PCP.

13) I love to read. That is something I really miss from before L; having the opportunity to just lay on the couch all day on a Sunday, from morning until night, reading. Not doing anything all day except reading.

14) I love Stephen King, and own the majority of his books, and will be sad when he dies and can no longer write books for me to read.

15) I love photography. I hope to continue to practice it as a hobby, with the dream of it being more someday. I think I have a knack for taking good pictures.

16) I have a big mouth, and sometimes I really hate it. Sometimes, things come out that I wish I hadn't said.

17) I have a need to be a part of everything; like at work, we are a small office, and sometimes I can't keep my nose out of whatever is going on, even if it has nothing to do with me. Or like the time in 3rd grade when we had a sub, and someone came into the classroom and asked the sub if so-and-so was there, and I blurted out "NO!" and so-and-so actually WAS there, and the teacher scolded me, and I was SO embarrased. I hate that memory.

18) I really really thought L was a girl the whole time I was pregnant with him. When the Dr. pulled him out and said "It's a boy!" I was shocked and said "It's a boy? Really?" after which I was immediately happy to have a healthy boy. Now, I am glad I had a boy first...there is just something special about mama's little boy!

19) I really want to have a girl next time. Since we think we will stop at 2, I really want to be able to experience raising both.

20) When I was pregnant with L, I was REALLY concerned that my drug use would come back to haunt me in the form of a deformed or disabled child. (NO NO NO, I did not use drugs while pregnant, I meant my high school / early 20's drug use!)

21) In some ways I am more like my mom than I like to admit or acknowledge(see #16 and #17).

22) I have a tendency to be OCD about things. My dishes have a black stripe along one side adn they all have to be lined up and facing the same direction in the cupboard. Clothing and towels must be folded a certain way. Clothing hung on hangers must face a certain direction. I count my steps a lot.

23) I need to be in charge of things. I have control issues. I like to have a plan, and when things don't go according to plan, I don't like it and it throws me out of whack. I hate that about myself.

24) On that same line, I am not good with change what.so.ever. Not even good change. I also hate this about myself.

25) My friend Lynda, whom I have been trying to blog about, was a total free spirit, lived completely in the now, went with the flow. I think that is why I was so attracted to her; she was completely and thouroughly, down to her core, what I could never truly be. I reveled in her free-ness, I basked in the sunlight that was her soul.

26) I *really* loved her. I loved her so deeply that it went beyond any bounds and is different than any love I have felt for any other woman in my life.

27) I miss her.

28) I used to have a re-curring nightmare about a bear chasing me up my driveway, and I would stab it in the shoulder with a nail (WTF?!).

29) I have only broken one bone in my life; my thumb during a softball tournament when I was like 20. I have only had 4 stitches in my life, when I was probably 12, in my knee. I have only had two surgeries; I had a tonsillectomy when I was 26, just before my wedding, and emergency laproscopic surgery when I was 27 to remove an ectopic pregnancy.

I will stop there...29 facts, one for all 29 years of my life. I only get to be 29 for about 7 more weeks, so that seems like a good number.

An Inside Job

As soon as I posted that last post, this song came on my yahoo station. I LOVE it, and it is definitely fitting right now.

R, it also made me think of you.


Pearl Jam

"Inside Job"

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame

Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today,... I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well,...

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all,.. human light.

How I choose to feel,... is how I am.
How I choose to feel,... is how I am.

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again.

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire
Life comes from within my heart and desire
Life comes from within you heart and desire

To break the cycle

I hate alcoholism.

I can't say that I hate alcohol really, although I don't drink myself (save for an EXTREMELY rare Mike's Hard or a bit of wine), I do know that there are people who can have a few drinks and relax and go on with life.

Unfortunately, I have been surrounded in this life by those that CAN'T have just a few drinks and relax and go on with life. Maybe they started out that way, but they found something that easily filled voids that they desperately needed to fill. Something that, due to misfires in their brain or whacked out receptors or some chemical imbalance, they cannot enjoy in moderation, but continually and habitually take to the extreme.

My maternal grandmother's father was an acoholic.

My grandmother went on to marry an acoholic, my mom's dad. He was a MEAN MEAN alcoholic who kept his bottle next to his bed so he could take shots when he woke up at night. Who took a flask with him in the car to work and drank all day, every day. A man whose alcoholism brought out his demons which he unleashed on his family verbally and emotionally (and probably physically too).

My mom went on to marry a similar alcoholic. My dad has mellowed in his older age and his progressed disease, but he unleashed his fair share of demons on us throughout our lives. He never physically abused us (my brother and I), but I have at least a handful of vivid memories of him attacking my mom. I remember lots of nights spent on the stairs, sitting just at the edge of where the wall opened up, listening to them scream at each other, waiting to hear it turn physical, at which time I would run down and yell at him to leave her alone. I remember wetting the bed till I was like 10, and all the trips to the doctors and no one being able to say why it was happening. Simple answer; I was so tired by the time I returned to bed after my nightly vigil that I just couldn't get out of bed when I had to go...(I remember waking and thinking I need to go to the bathroom and picturing myself walking to the bathroom and going; I guess I just never made it out of bed.) I remember as we got a little older (and braver) screaming downstairs "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE GOTTA GET UP FOR SCHOOL!!!" I remember them getting in screaming matches over something they disagreed about on the news?! I remember what I believed to be the last time my father got physical with mom (it was the last time he did it in front of us), and how my brother went off; broke a chair and screamed at them, and then locked himself in the bathroom. The physical seemed to stop after that, but the verbal continued.

(I later learned from my mom that that *wasn't* the last time, but that the physical stopped shortly after that when she finally fought back one night.)

My mom has her own issues with alcohol. She doesn't think she is an alcoholic because she doesn't drink ALL DAY, yet she drinks most EVERY day, and 'catches a buzz' most every day. She doesn't get as drunk as my dad, and she can abstain (like when she takes care of L) but the tendency is definitely there. Just because you are not falling down drunk every day does not mean there isn't a dependence there...

The two families that I grew up closest to had their own, somewhat similar somewhat different, issues with alcoholism. It just seemed normal to me that parents drank every night. And not just came home and had a drink or two, but got DRUNK, every night. Growing up around the bar like I did, it was just all around me. Alcohol was just an every day part of life. I didn't realize (sadly) until I was a teenager that there are A LOT of families that aren't like that.

My brother also has the tendencies. He is one who DEFINITELY cannot just have one or two; when he drinks, he gets PLOWED. He went through a phase in his twenties where he was drinking constantly. I hated him so much for that. It had always been him and I against the world, and we had hated what we grew up with SO MUCH, and how could he GO THERE? I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped letting him crash at our place, and I never stopped taking care of him (as much as it caused friction with W and I at times) but I really hated that person he was becoming. Thankfully, he has beautiful daughters and a wife and enough going on in life to keep him away from that life, but I have no doubts that the seed remains within him, and without care and vigilance, and presented with the right circumstances, he could easily wind up down that road.

I am no angel. I definitely have done my share of self medicating with substances, mine just happened to not be alcohol. It definitely ventured beyond experimentation at times, into the realm of addiction. Given the right (horrible) circumstances, I am sure it would not be impossible for me to fall into a life of addiction if I lost sight.

W's dad drank his fair share while W was growing up. There were other issues in his family that led him to also do some self medicating and experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, and he also drifted beyond the experimentation phase at times in his life. There was a time, after we had been together for about 6 years, before we got married, that I questioned if I wanted to be with him. He was drinking pretty heavily, on a daily basis, and although I loved him, and the thought of leaving seemed impossible, I KNEW that I did not want to marry my father. I had made myself a promise YEARS before, that I FULLY, without a doubt, intended to keep, and that was that I would NOT, no matter what, let my children grow up thinking that getting drunk every night was 'normal'. I would NOT continue the cycle. It was a hard time in my life. But, we talked, and I let it all out, and he made changes, and he grew, and I do not doubt that we were put together in this life to help each other.

When I was 20, a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver who had a record of drunk driving offenses.

I have watched kids I grew up with take their experiences and react in different ways...some have taken the lessons, and like me, vowed to break the chain. Some have taken the lessons and set them aside and will inevitably continue to cycle.

Alcoholism never seems to back down...it is consistant in my life. It continues to knock on my door, no matter how many times I tell it is not welcome. It won't let me be. Now, it has returned in the form of my friend who has relapsed after so many years of being strong. It has and continues to cause me so much heartbreak. I hate it.

And yet, I know that its ever annoying presence serves a purpose. I AM intended to break the cycle. I DID choose this life, and these parents and these people who surround me and these challenges because I AM the catalyst for change.

And yet, knowing this does not make it any easier. I know I need to reach out to my friend who is struggling, and I know I will, but I just need some time to process this. Some time to work through the ANGER at the alcoholism that this current situation has re-ignited. And time to remember that I chose this because I *can* help make change, I *am* meant to break the cycle.

I've got nothing

I want to post, I really do. But I just don't seem to have anything to say this week.

OMG, mark it on your calendars.

Seriously. If I made that statement to my co-workers, or other people that know me in real life, they would have a jolly laugh on that one. ME, with nothing to say? Yeah right.

It must have something to do with Saturn in our Venus or something. Some astrology gu-ru could tell me, but it must be something in the air. The energy is all wrong. All of the bloggers that I read regularly, who generally always seem to have something to say seem to be slacking this week.

So this is just a silly little post, just so I can keep up with my approximate every other day posting streak.

I am looking at upgrading my camera to an slr. I have the opportunity to tag along with my friend D some more next summer, and am flattered that the racers that I shot with her this fall felt that my photos were good enough that they suggested that I could shoot a race, that she can't make it to, by myself next summer. There is already one opportunity looming to be a second shooter at a wedding with her, an oppotunity that would actually pay money if it goes through, and the possibility of more to come, IF I get me an slr. So I really want to, and I can kinda look at it as an investment, but as always when looking at spending a chunk of money, I am indecisive and part of me is really fighting it, knowing that probably the smartest thing to do would be to sit on my money for right now and see what happens with this economy and W's job. So I am struggling with that decision. I may wait till after the New Year and see how our taxes come out and how W's job fairs over winter, and I would still have time to get the camera and get familiar enough with it before the race. Stay tuned, decision yet to be made.

I have not come any closer to figuring out how to approach my alcoholic friend.

I am excited to be having dinner with a friend of mine this Friday evening whom I love dearly and don't see very often and we are going to have so much fun. She hasn't seen L in a long time, and she is going to be blown away with how much and how well he is talking.

So, I guess I didn't have exactly *nothing* to say, but it wasn't anything profound or very interesting. But at least it was something.

Blah

I am feeling totally blah today.

Somewhat melancholy.

I could really just go curl up in my bed and sleep away today. I don't want to be conscious today.

Could have something to do with the news I found out this weekend about an old friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic who apparently relapsed like a year ago, unbeknown to ME, but known to a bunch of OTHER people who for some reason didn't care enough for her or me to think that maybe they should tell me? Or maybe they thought I would know (if they didn't know that we don't keep in touch like we used to), and didn't care enough about her to ask me if I had tried to help her?? The whole situation is heart wrenching, and I have no idea how to approach it, but feel like I need to at least try to reach out to her...I feel so bad that we have lost touch, and I hate that I didn't see it, and that I didn't know for so long. I hate thinking about her in the condition that I have been told she has been seen in around her small town and the nearby town; it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart to think about what could have happened to cause her to relapse after like 20+ years? I hate the whole thing and am trying to figure out how I am going to move forward from here.

Could have something to do with the fact that we haven't seen much sunshine in over a week.

Could be that I didn't hardly see L at all this weekend. I have been thinking about him a lot today; I want to just go get him and go home and snuggle with him on the couch and watch Dora or Diego with him.

I even went and bought my new vacuum on lunch break today (they were out of stock, so they will ship it to my work for free within about a week), and only spent half what I originally thought I would (yay!) and not even that little shopping spree made me feel any better.

I still want to write the remembrance post from last Thursday, but the news from this weekend has me not in the appropriate frame of mind to do the day justice, so stay tuned for that.

I hope everyone is having a better Monday than I am.

In limbo, nothing to read!

It's Friday, I am at my desk, in the middle of 3 projects on which I cannot move forward until I get answers from various people, which is totally annoying, but what's worse is that NONE of the blogs that I follow have any new posts today!?!

I have a big post that I need to compose, but I need to do it when I can be uninterrupted and really focus; today is another day of remembrance for me, but it is special and I need to do it justice. So that will have to wait for later.

I think I will cruise to consumer reports and figure out which vacuum I will buy to go with my new carpet; which I just found out is back ordered until December 8th! UGH!! So no new carpet until mid December :0( but my installer assured me it would be installed before X-mas, so when we have L's b-day party on Jan 3rd our sweet new carpet will be installed and our house will be put back together.

Sooo, anyway, somebody post PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAASE!!!!!!!

The feminist in me....

So the Feminist in me reared her gorgeous head last night...She still kinda takes me off guard when she surges forward with her sort of newly found voice...

My father-in-law and his wife invited us over for supper last night, which totally ROCKS on a weekday since it means that the mad dash that constitutes 'evening' in our house does not have to be so mad, and there are no dishes to find time for, either.

So we were sitting in the living room after seriously gorging on some bad ass chili, and the CMA's happened to be on the TV (or the TB, as the boy would say ;0) ). I am not a country fan, but whatever. So some chic in a pretty tight, short black skirt and low cut top was singing some song, and L was glued in his spot watching her intently.

"You like that peanut? Does she sing so pretty?"

"Yeah" he says, without even a sideways glance...

"Yeah, she sings alot prettier than Mama"

Then my father in law decides to add his two cents and this is what I hear come out of his mouth:

"She's SEXY, huh buddy, can you say 'sexy'?"

Cue angry feminist voice screaming in my head WHAT THE FUCK!? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just tell my 2 year old son that this chic is SEXY? And not only that but try to teach him to SAY IT? Did you really just imply to my son, who happened to be just enjoying a beautiful voice and song, that he should pay more attention to the fact that this lady is SEXY than just enjoy the beautiful voice that is radiating out of her mouth? I really wanted to channel some BHJ awesomeness and slice my FIL's head off with a samurai sword in one fell swoop...

Seriously.

The level of my anger at that statement took me by surprise. And really, it may seem like no big deal to him, and really, it may NOT be as big a deal as angry feminist voice made it out to be, but honestly, that type of shit DOES make a difference. Those subtle messages that we send to our children even, or maybe even ESPECIALLY, at this young age DO matter, and will shape their mentality towards all types of things later in life, and I will be damned if my son will grow up viewing women as objects.

Yes, she was beautiful. And she was sexy. And I don't think for even a moment that my father in law looks at women solely as sexual objects. And I sometimes even feel good about being found sexually desirable. But something about my father in law telling my 2 year old son that 'she is SEXY', and trying to get him to say it, REALLY REALLY rubbed me the absolute wrong way.

A day of remembrance

November 11. Veteran's Day in the US. Remembrance Day in Canada (my calendar tells me so). A day to remember and give thanks to the brave men and women who have served and/or died for our freedom. How fitting, and coincidental(or maybe not) that 9 years ago this day took on another cause for remembrance for myself and my group of friends.

9 years ago today, 11/11/99, about this time of the day, I got the call from my friend S that our friend Paul had shot himself sometime in the early morning. I remember that call as if it were yesterday. It struck me as wrong as soon as I picked up the phone and heard her voice at the other end, because she had NEVER called me at work. That and the shakiness in her voice told me immediately that something was terribly wrong.

She said "Paul shot himself last night" and I remember asking "He shot himself??...Is he...is he dead?"

Of course, the answer was yes. At which point, I lost it. I remember going and standing in the doorway of my co-workers office, crying, and sinking down to the floor. I was 20 years old, and this just couldn't be real.

My boss was very understanding and told me to go home and take what time I needed. The ride home is a blur of tears and questions and disbelief. The afternoon was spent with our core group of friends, no one *totally* surprised by Paul's suicide, and yet at the same time, shocked that he had actually done it. And drugs. Drugs to numb the pain. The pain that they had helped to cause in the first place.

I remember thinking back to watching my mother cry after receiving the news that her good friend's 18 year old son had shot himself.

Paul had been one of W's best friends. He had a troubled childhood, in which his mother had abandoned him, his sister and her 2 children from a different marriage, leaving them with his father. He grew up VERY bitter toward his mother, and women in general. He, like a lot of our group, was into drugs, all kinds, but had definitely gotten into a serious relationship with meth and coke, and the old stand by, alcohol. He had a rocky on and off relationship with the mother of his 3 year old daughter. She deserved so much better, and I think she had finally realized and fully accepted that and told him so not long before he shot himself. (I am not, IN ANY WAY, saying that his suicide was her fault, although I know that she struggled with a LOT of guilt for a long time, as did many of our other friends.) I considered him my friend, although he treated me like shit as he did all females...he had more to hate me for than just his usual bitterness toward females though; he hated me because W and I had been seeing each other for about 2 years, and I had 'stolen' W from him...So, in compromise, the three of us spent alot of time together, doing our thing.

It was the start of one of the most difficult times in my life to date. Suicide leaves those surviving friends and family in such a bad spot. As much as anyone knows that they should not blame themselves, it is impossible not to second guess everything you said or did to that person. He had told W multiple times that he should just do it. Everyone knew the emotional struggles he went through. 2 weeks before he shot himself, he came to our apartment, wasted, in the wee hours of the morning and had passed out on our floor. When he woke up a couple hours later and we would not let him take our bike or our car, he stormed off, swearing we were no longer his friends and that we didn't care about him. 10 days before he did it, I picked him up in jail at 2am after he was driving drunk and crashed his car. He told me on the way home that there was NO WAY he was EVER going back to jail. I have no doubt in my mind now that he was already sure in his mind that he was going to do it, it was just a matter of when. He had called many of our other friends earlier that night, looking for someone to come and get him and hang out, but by that point everyone was feeling that they were at their last straw with him, nobody could handle being around him and the abuse that he doled out to everyone at all times. Any attempts at helping him were shot down and countered with abuse. This is why there was so much guilt among our friends. There was too much a feeling that we had let him down. Instead of stepping up, we had turned our backs. But what do you do when all of the help that you try to offer is countered with hatred and anger and pulling away? Not to mention we were in our early 20's, and many of us had our own issues with drugs and denial and emotional ineptidudes. Everything was just so foggy and crazy and messed up and we were so ill equipped to deal with the situation.

I still think about Paul on occasion. I still have his obit hanging on my tack board in my office. But, honestly, I can't say that I 'miss' him. I honestly cannot imagine my life right now had Paul not committed suicide. The mother of his child found comfort in the arms of another of his best friends, and he in hers. At first it was awkward, but now, it only makes sense. Today, they are married, with 3 children (hers, his and theirs) and they happen to be some of mine and W's closest friends. I *KNOW* to the bottom of my heart that were Paul still alive we would not still be friends, and I would not have J, one of my best friends, in my life as she is now (her and I really only became close because she was dating our good friend M). Nor would I have their wonderful children in my life. I doubt I would have had the opportunity to be close to Paul's daughter as I am now.

Not only that, but I think it has saved Paul's daughter and her mother, and all of us, really, of years of anguish watching Paul buckle under the weight of his depression and his substance abuse. Many of us went on to move beyond the crazy drug use that defined that time in our life, but a few did not, and I fear Paul would be one of those who didn't make it beyond were he still alive. It breaks my heart to see those people caught up in the vicious life that is addiction.

Paul lives on through his daughter. A is an amazing young lady who radiates her father's essence in so many ways...Looking into her eyes is EXACTLY like looking into Pauls, without the ever present trace of anguish. She has Paul's competetive spirit; that attitude that if it is worth doing, it is worth being the best (or sometimes, if I can't be the best then I don't want to do it at all). She is so smart, and spirited and I am so thankful to be able to watch her grow and to see her father shining through. Not to mention how wonderful is it that I get to be a guiding influence and a friend to her in this life.

So, today I remember Paul with a heavy heart. I am not thankful that he did what he did and I cannot be certain that his life would have continued to descend to the depths, and yet, the landscape of my life is hard to imagine without that experience, and it is hard to think about my life without his daughter and her mother and their family in my life exactly as they are.

Sad Baby makes Sad Mommy

L cried when I left him at daycare today.

He is so not a 'don't leave me at daycare' crier. Seriously. I can count on less than one hand how many times he has cried when I have left him in the 19 mos that he has been going there.

It was horrible. Heart wrenching. He gave me my hug and kiss and went in the other room and was fine. I had to call J back cuz I forgot to tell her something, and L came back into the kitchen starting to cry "Mommy", so I gave him another hug and pried him off of me and convinced him to go in the other room and watch out the porch windows and wave to me while I left, which turned out to be worse; watching him stand in the window, tears streaming down his little face crying "Momma!"

**SIGH**

He's not feeling the best, and that's why he cried. He had a hard time sleeping, was up coughing and tossing and turning, and even ended up in our bed for awhile, which is UBER rare.

Thank goddess he is not an every day crier when I leave him at daycare...I don't think I could leave him every day if he cried like that.

So even though I know he was fine before I even got to the stoplight, it still makes me sad.

Poor Baby.

Poor Mommy.

Painting and Purging

I painted my ass off this weekend. There is still a lot of painting to do. FYI, painting trim bites, and it adds A LOT of work to your painting project. I am changing the trim from white to dark brown, so everything requires 2 coats, and I have to paint EVERYTHING, including all those little wood pieces on the window glass too. UGH.

It probably doesn't help that I ended up painting the hallway twice. R- I wish I would've read your response to my last post before I went out and bought a lighter color and painted the ENTIRE stairwell hallway, ceiling included, in the lighter color. The whole time I knew it wasn't going to be right; I just wasn't feeling it. And every time I have painted, I have known before it is dry if it is 'right', if it is what I had fixed in my mind's eye, and this was not it, I could feel it in my gut. And yet, I continued on, and painted the whole damn thing. Then I sat down to the puter and read your response and just KNEW you were right. On Saturday morning, after it was dry, I knew that I had to try the darker color out again, or I would regret it forever. I painted the wall at the top of the stairs in the darker color, right next to the lighter color, and I knew instantly I had made a terrible error. So, I painted the hallway, ceiling included. AGAIN.

I still have a lot of painting to do. I have to second coat the hallway trim, and get a bit more paint to finish the doors. I have about 80% of the trim in the bedroom done, but have yet to paint any walls, except a little bit of ceiling cutting in that I did yesterday while L napped. I will probably work on it in the evenings this week after L goes to bed. I have time before the carpet comes, but I really just want it done.

The good part of this whole painting / recarpet is that I PURGED a ton of shit. It feels so good to be rid of all that stuff that I had not looked at in literally YEARS. I got rid of 3 bridesmaid dresses that have been collecting dust in my closet. I got rid of clothing that was outdated, worn out and outgrown. I discovered how much room we have in our closet and our room and our dressers when we have only what we actually use.

I didn't get rid of everything that just takes up space; some concert / band t-shirts made the cut (they don't fit, but I'm sorry I couldn't let *them* go yet), I had to keep my wedding dress, of course, even though it still carries the dirt from that evening, and even though I will never wear it again, I can't get rid of it. I did, however, move it from the back of the door (where it has been since June 18, 2005 when I was the most beautiful bride ever ;0) ) into the closet, and covered it with a dress bag. Even that made me slightly sad.

I also held on to the (slinky) little black dress that I brought on our honeymoon and wore to the fancy restaurant, as well as a sexy little black number that I wore to a friends wedding in 2003. Although I may never fit in them, I can't give up hope just yet on those dresses.

I am feeling really good purging, and like any pack rat, I have to take advantage of this state before it disappears. I will be tackling the downstairs closet which is CRAZY and houses things like the flower arrangements from my wedding (seriously, when am I EVER going to use those again?) and a box full of used candle wax which I had intentions of melting down into new candles like 5 years ago. That and a ton of other stuff I am not even sure of since I haven't looked at it since I shoved it in there 6 years ago when we moved in. I am SO excited to strip us down of these excess 'things'.

Coloring my world

I took the day off work to get a jump on painting the hall and our bedroom while the boy is out of my hair at daycare :0) There is a lot of organizing and purging that needs to be done before I can even get started painting...

I am almost embarrassed to say that there is probably enough clothing on my bedroom floor in piles to fill 4 garbage bags; just the normal size, not industrial leaf collecting outdoor size bags, but still!!. I think it is time to accept the fact that I may NEVER fit into some of that clothing again, and even if I do, by the time I do I don't think some of it will be the style of clothing I will want to be wearing then :0)

That pile of clothing gives some insight into my question of where the hell all our money went before we had L...Seriously, there are 12, TWELVE, pairs of jeans in a pile that no longer fit me...They aren't all in great shape, but still wearable, and some ARE practically brand new...Those I will keep in hopes that a size 12 IS in my future...That is, of course, assuming that my POST baby size 12 will even fit into my pre-baby size 12 jean cut...**SIGH**

L (and any future babies) are DEFINITELY worth it though, don't get me wrong!

Now, I have 2 pairs of slacks dress pants, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of workout/sweatpants, about 7 tops that I rotate between for work, and a few t-shirts and sweatshirts that fit me...I am sure to find a few more things in those piles that also fit me now, to add to my current wardrobe. But most of it is going to Goodwill, or that Epilepsy foundation that is always picking stuff.

Anyway, so I am painting today, in preparation for our new carpet. I am still so excited! R came by last weekend and helped me pick carpet and paint colors, thanks R :0) I did a test of the lighter brown in the stairway hall, and I am a *bit* concerned that it might be too dark for that small space, but I have to remember that the carpet is a lot lighter than the existing wood flooring, so that is going to lighten the space up too...Not exactly sure what I am going to do with that yet, if I am going to use it, or possibly go a shade lighter.

I also already have a crockpot full of apples cooking away to make applesauce. I did a small batch last weekend, and it turned out pretty good, so I am tweaking my ingredients a titch, and making a large batch today to can for over the winter. YUMM-O :0)

So, I suppose I had better get my butt off this computer and get moving...I have the tunes CRANKED on the computer, and am excited to get to it. Wish me luck!!

From the mouth of the Babe - Part 4

"Wake up, L, it's time to get up and face the day peanut"

"I dough wanna geh dup"

"You wanna go back to sleep?"

"Yeah"

"Awww, you don't wanna get up and have some milk and snuggle with Mama and watch Blue's Clues?"

"DORA!" he says and is instantly on his feet, bee-bee (blankie) in hand, ready to face the day.

**SIGH** sometimes I think he loves that little cartoon girl more than he loves me ;0) He has even been calling out her name in his sleep.

Writing our History...

What an amazing moment in history we have created.

I have so much more to say, but right now the ideas are all jumbled and it all needs to work itself out in my brain a bit before I put it out there for you internet.

For now I *will* say that I feel very different after this election than I did after the last two elections, even though each time (including this one) I voted for the successful candidate.

I am happy and hopeful and amazed.

Off to the polls...

I am off to cast my vote in this historic election.

I am excited and nervous about what the future may bring.

I can't wait to go all politico geek and watch everything unfold tonite on TV...I am sure my husband will get sick of it within 20 minutes and leave me for the company of his friends :0)

Happy 30th, R

Today, the woman who has been my best friend for the last 24+ years turns 30. I can hardly believe it, as all the memories I have with her feel as though they happened yesterday. I am beyond grateful that she is STILL a part of my life after all this time; and not just a part of my life, but an IMPORTANT part of my life.

We met when we were in 1st grade. She was the new girl, and I don't remember much about meeting her, but I remember I wanted to be friends with the new girl. We both lived in the country, near a small town, but rode different buses. I suppose we became friends because of our parents' shared connection to the local bar. I am not even sure. R probably remembers though, she remembers SO MUCH more than I do :0) I was just thinking the other day that I honestly don't even know where they lived before they came to my town? Funny how you can know someone intimately for the majority of your life and still not know everything about them!

R is completely intertwined in my life; she is as much a part of my history as I am. She knows everything I went through growing up; knows most everything that has shaped me into the person I am today, and I would like to think she feels the same way about me.

I remember so many good times; sliding down her icy driveway, being pulled by the 4 wheeler, the cooking shows we hosted from my sandbox, swimming at Trout Brook, tubing, that time I had my first Big Mac on the way to her cousins house, running around the hills by her house, our fantasy land of Terabithia near the fence corner at the edge of my parent's wooded property, her birthday party that year that we played with the Ouija board and her parents got SOOO pissed at us (OMG, that night still gives me the goosebumps; I had the funniest conversation with her parents the other night about that particular event - they have sworn revenge in the form of the gift of an Ouija board to mine and R's kids when they turn 12 - AHHH!!!), passing notes in high school, hot boxing the car with cigarette smoke on the way to school every morning, fighting!! (Oh the fights we had, LOL, we fought like a couple of wolverines, and about the stupidest stuff sometimes...but we always made up), our impromptu weekend jet-a-way to Florida 7 years ago, her telling me she was pregnant with C, being there at C's birth, learning of her pregnancy with M, her in my wedding 5 months pregnant with M...

I remember lots of tough times too; and sad times and angry times. Those are as much of our history as the good times...

Even though we fought, R was always there for me. She was my confidant, my rock, the one I could go to with anything, the one who understood the difficulty of my home life, the one who told me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it, the one who had the guts to tell someone when she thought I had a problem with cocaine in HS (man, I was mad at her...She was right, although it was not coke, but similar...there is much to that story, but that is for another post).

Never could I guess that we would REALLY still be this close at 30 years old, 25 years after we met...We did drift apart for awhile, in the last year of HS (the time of the cocaine incident) and the first couple of years after HS. We had different things going on in our lives. But the Universe had plans for us, that did not include us growing further and further apart. We reconnected at a time when we both really needed it; she was at the beginning of some tough times in her life, and I was moving away from a destructive path in my life and feeling lost and was desperately missing her presence in my life (I didn't at the time know I was missing her so much, but looking back I can see it).

There is something, that I cannot put into words, about the unique relationship that forms with someone who has known you forever. It cannot be matched. It cannot be recreated with someone you meet in your adult life. Yes, strong bonds can be formed with someone you meet later in life, but for me, it will never feel the same as my relationship with R. As I said, she is as much a part of me as *I* am. Without her, I would not be whole. She cannot be extricated from the tapestry that is me.

Today, at 30, R is an amazing woman. Her journey has taken some turns that she never expected, and she isn't necessarily where she thought she would be at 30, but she is there, and she is living life. She is a strong woman (even if she feels weak inside), a great mother, a wonderful friend.

R~ I know that your life is not necessarily what you had pictured it to be, and you may feel that you could be doing things better or different, but just know that you ARE doing a great job, you ARE a great mother and friend, and you are a shining light on this earth, your children DID make a good choice when they chose you, and I am SO THANKFUL to have YOU as part of ME.

I hope that things in your life continue to look up; you deserve it. I wish for you a WONDERFUL birthday.

And I hope that in another 25 years I am saying Happy Birthday to my best friend of 50 years.

I still got it...

I went out on Saturday night for the first time in a LONG time. I met up with a good friend of mine, and the group of girls she was going out with. Most of them I know, but would not necessarily consider them 'friends'. They got all dressed up and looked very good. Due to my slacking this year, I did not have a costume planned, and did not feel like trying to throw one together. I have my sexy vampire costume in the closet from a few years ago, which looked SMOKIN' on me that year, but I am not feeling all that sexy these days, and just didn't want to go there...I would have probably looked okay, but not near how I looked in it a few years ago, and would have just felt self conscious and disappointed in myself. So I just wore one of my outfits that I DO really like how I look in right now, a blue v-neck shirt (that makes my blue eyes totally pop) under a black vest, and my best blue jeans.

We grabbed a bite in a nearby small town and then headed back to our town to the bar. It was GREAT fun, there were a bunch of my good friends from back in the day there, and alot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Of course, as soon as I walked through the door everyone was asking where the hell W was (it's like that if one of us is out without the other) and I tried calling him a few times, but he roofed all weekend he was tired and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

I danced, and chatted, and smoked (hey, it's what I do when I go out; I don't drink, so I figure a little social nicotine ingestion is what I get to do to release when I go out), but the best part of my night by far has to be the compliments I received. I was told by 3 different guys how beautiful I am :0)

The first is a guy who's been my friend for about 15 years, who has expressed openly many times how awesome and attractive I am, and how he has always felt this way about me. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of this, and is not afraid to tell anyone (including my husband) that I am the shit. No matter how many times I hear this from him, it still makes me feel good.

The second was a guy who appeared to be in his early to mid 20's, whom I have never met before. He was dressed as a nerd, and pulled it off very well :0) He was coming out the door to smoke just as I was going in, and said to me as we passed on the stairs "WHOA, beautiful, where are you going so fast?" To which the friend that I had been talking to (who is, of course, friends with W also) said "She's taken, buddy" which made me laugh out loud. The nerd went on to say that that is okay, but that I have the most amazingly beautiful blue eyes that he has ever seen, and that he was very much mesmerized with them. I blushed and said thank you, and tried to accept the praise that was being laid down. I stayed and talked to him for a couple of minutes, in which time he continued to rave about my eyes.

The third was a guy whom I have met only a few times, who works with W, and whom I seem to be sharing some mutual sexual tension with. He is very built, and was dressed as the Incredible Hulk; he had on shorts without a shirt and was painted all green. YUM. My attraction to him is on a very basic level; as in if I were single and looking for a little man meat, I would take him home in a second. The feeling appears to be mutual after the few encounters we had on Saturday night. Any doubts of that were wiped out by the things he said to me, starting with an exclamation that I look better every time he sees me, and including a very descriptive comment he made about what he would do to me were I not with W. He seems to be a nice guy with a checkered past who appears to have problems finding girls that want anything more than a fling with no strings attached. I feel bad for him in that respect, but can understand, I guess! I love my husband VERY much, and have absolutely no desire to cheat on him or not be with him, but I will not deny that a little sexual banter and attention from other attractive men once in awhile feels DAMN good, and is a great self esteem booster.

I have had trouble in the past accepting that men could find me attractive. I have always struggled with my weight and body image. I know I have a pleasing shape, but it gets hidden under a little extra insulation most of the time ;0) Yes, there were a few years in there when I was in GREAT shape, and it was probably the only time in my life that I would say I had a great body to go along with my pretty face and my personality. But even THEN I had a hard time seeing my body as anything but average.

I still don't quite understand it, but get that, at least with the guys that know me, it has to do more with the 'whole package' than anything to do with simply being physically appealing, and I will take overall beauty ANY DAY over simply being 'hot'.

It is great to know that I still got it :0)