Hello?

Well none of you 4 (or so) people who used to come see my blog probably even bother to stop by anymore, as I post so sporatically...It's not that I have nothing to share; quite the contrary, I ponder so much all the time that I would LOVE to blog about, but it's just that I don't have TIME to blog...I guess maybe that is a good thing?

It seems when I DO come here to share it is about my babies...but let's face it; right now, my life consists of running (frantically) between my babies and work, and work sucks and is a complete drain on me, and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time and energy on THAT shit. So, baby news it is :-)

I need to post some new photos - Baby C is huge and amazing and OH SO DAMN cute, even if I do say so myself!

The reason I REALLY wanted to blog today was to share yet ANOTHER cute L snippet...we were riding in the car the other day and he was counting. He got to 40 and proclaimed "FORTY! WOW, that's a LOT, Mom"

"Yes, L, it IS a lot! What comes next?"

"Fif-D"

"Good, what's next?"

"Six-D"

And so on and so forth until he got to ninety, and when I asked him what comes next, he paused, did his WAY funny perplexed expression where he crunches up his face and kinda rolls his eyes off to the side and proclaimed

"Ten-D!!"

:D

Great reasoning!

I really try to not be one of those parents who talks non stop about all the things their kid can do, and thinks their kid is SO SMART because they can do X,Y,Z, but I have to admit that I really do, in all honesty, find myself thinking on a regular basis that L seems pretty advanced for his age. Things seem to come easy to him. It makes me happy, and I hope that he continues on that way as he grows - I just know it will make things easier in some ways as he grows up...

In other quick news, Mama got quite spoiled this tax season. We actually got an okay sum of money back on our taxes, which we weren't really expecting, and W and I decided that I should treat myself and upgrade my camera equipment which I have been wanting to do for about 2 years now!! As much as I know I deserve it, and WANT it, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to spend the money on myself. It literally took me a week to finalize my order; and when I had it all ready to confirm, it took me at least an hour to push the 'confirm order' button. There are definitely other (way less fun) things the money could have been spent on, or it DEFINITELY would not have been a bad idea to put it in savings, but since the money is spent, I will admit that I am really happy and excited that I did it. Had I waited another day or two, I can honestly say that I would have probably talked myself out of it. The camera is amazing, and I have taken a TON of photos already, and really cannot wait for summer to come so I can get outside and take some shots of things other than the boys...who, by the way, are already BEYOND sick of me sticking it in their faces!



So yeah, I feel totally spoiled, and I am STILL justifying the purchase to myself, but that's just how I am, and I am used to the guilt.

Feeling like crap

I am feeling like crap today. Head cold. Continuously running nose, sneezing, sore throat, sinus pressure / headache, watery eyes.

It started 2 days ago, but today is decidedly worse. Hopefully this will be the worst day and it will get better from here. L and the baby both have a little cold too...L was coughing all night - at least he is big enough to use Vicks on him, which did help.

I don't think you should be allowed to get sick when you have kids. There should really just be a law against it.

I know it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with being sick before I had kids when I knew that at least if I made it through the day at work, that I could go home, tell W to cook for his damn self, plop on the couch and sleep for a good 12 hours before I had to get up and do it again.

Ahhh, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep sounds like heaven!

Now, I have to look forward to going home and dealing with a toddler and an infant, and if I am lucky, getting to sleep by 9pm. I can't really tell them to cook for their damn selves. Although we are just having pizza, so W can handle that, and hopefully I can at least lounge on the couch and just nurse the baby.

And maybe I will just leave the office door closed after I finish pumping and sneak in a 20 minute nap...that would help a bit too.

Hard

This is when it's hard.

When I am here, in my office pumping. Thiss is when I cannot help but think of his little self. If I close my eyes, I can picture him down there suckling. I can smell him and I can feel his fuzzy little head cupped in my palm like it is when he nurses. His chubby little hands resting on my breast, or wrapped around my finger. his little jaw moving; suck-suck-swallow...

I can see his face when his belly is full and he pulls of, looks me in the eyes, sticks his tongue out and smiles and coos at me. So content and full and happy. His new thing is blowing raspberries when he finishes. He lays there looking up at me smiling and blowing raspberries.

Yeah. This is when it's hard.

Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Coming to it on his own

So L still won't sleep in his big boy bed after his snake nightmare the other night. He slept there for naptime on Monday and Tuesday, when he was home with W those two days, but when it comes to bedtime, at NIGHT, he's not havin it. Monday night he crawled into his big boy bed for about 10 minutes, but must have gotten to thinking about his dream, cuz then he was crying and adamant that he wanted to go into his crib.

Even after showing him multiple times that there are no snakes under his bed, and also telling him that his (stuffed) kitty and our other cats would eat any snakes that DID try to get into the house, he still wasn't convinced that it was okay.

W is of the mindset that we need to 'just make him sleep in his bed'...that somehow FORCING him to sleep there will miraculously make him get over his fear. *I*, on the other hand, am of the opinion that we continue to try and convince him that it is safe, and *try* to talk him into sleeping in the bed, but if he insists, that we let him sleep in the crib, and that sooner or later (and probably sooner) he will get over it and be back in his big boy bed. (So far, I am winning, lol ;0)) I can somewhat see his point and what he is thinking, but I still don't think forcing him to sleep there is the right way to go about it.

So, I will just keep trying to convince W that letting him come about it on his own is the right way to go about it, and hope that L decides soon that it is okay to sleep there in the dark.

Bits and pieces

Today, I am feeling relatively at peace. Mostly because I have not thought about our budget at all yet. I don't have the exact numbers anyway, so there is no point in doing it yet anyway, and for now, surprisingly, I have been able to just let it go. I am only hoping that when the actual numbers come in, the cut won't be quite as deep as we are thinking. I don't even think I mentioned that the salary cut is coming in the form of reduced health care benefits, and very substantial increases in the amount that I will have to pay toward premiums, deductible and services. But as that has been a part of my compensation package for the last 10 years, and we have no other option (ie W doesn't have any insurance that we can check into - I am the sole person with the ability, at least right now, to provide health insurance for our family) it IS a direct pay cut. And I know I am by no means alone in this, and we are lucky to HAVE health coverage, but dammit, it is still a roughly 20% pay cut all at once, and jeezus, how can they just DO that to someone?? And not just me, who has been there for 10 years, but EVERYBODY; even the guy that has been there for 25 years. They have always said, 'We are a small, family orientated company, we care about you, we are a family here'...yada yada yada, all a bunch of shit.

And, there is a LOT more to the whole story, stuff I will not share as it is confidential company information; the reason the cuts are needed is pretty sad and disgusting when you get right down to it, but let me just say that the future is not bright at all around that place, and I don't see myself still there a year from now. Or should say that I seriously hope and plan that I won't be there a year from now. Unless something DRASTICALLY changes soon.

Enough of that, though. I have fun news today too.

L slept in his toddler, aka 'big boy' bed, last night!! I am pretty sure I have talked about the fact that we set it up a while ago, but as of yet, he has been extremely reluctant to sleep in there at night. He LOVES to play in it, but when it comes time to sleep in it, he has so far THOUGHT he wanted to, but as soon as I would leave the room he would get scared and want to go in his crib. Which I have just let him do. It's not so dire that I need to force the kid out of his crib if he isn't ready.

But last night, when we got done reading books, he told me 'I haf ta lay down in my big boy bed!' and so I said sure, but reminded him that if he wants to sleep there he has to STAY IN BED, and I will be checking and if I come up and find him out of bed then he will have to go into his crib. He said 'otay, mama' and layed down. I checked on him every 5-10 minutes, and each time he was still in bed. There was one time when I heard a loud crash and went up to find him standing at the window (still in his bed, as it is right under the window) and that he has pulled the screwdriver out that was holding the window open (I know, I know, that is not a very good set up now that he is sleeping right there - that is W's assignment, to rig a better way to keep the window open) and the window had crashed shut. It scared him pretty good though, and between that and my threats that he better leave it alone or he will get a BIG ouchie, he didn't touch it again.

It probably took him about 45 minutes total to fall asleep, but he did. With his feet at the head of the bed and his head at the foot; but he didn't fall out all night, which I was worried about since he is such a restless sleeper like his dad. When I woke him up this morning I made a big deal about praising him for being such a big boy and sleeping in his big boy bed. So hopefully he is going to make the transition smoothly now!

**SIGH** it is again, as always, a bittersweet moment. I am excited for him to come into our room on a Saturday morning and climb into bed with us and wake us up! But not looking forward to if or when he figures out that he is no longer confined in his bed and can test me at bedtime by getting out of bed! Hopefully he won't ever get there...he never tried to climb out of his crib, though I have no doubts he would have been fully capable of it had he tried.

He also made another step showing he is getting closer to wanting to potty train...the other night we were at my mother in laws for dinner and as they came in from outside to sit down at dinner, he told me 'Mama, I pooped, needa change my diaper'...usually, when he poops, he will deny it till the end of the day!! LOL...even when you catch him in the act of it, grunting and tensing and all, and you ask if he is pooping, he will say "No, I not poopeen". And he has been content to continue on about his day for as long as possible without getting his diaper changed. So that was the first time he showed the initiative to want to have his diaper changed, which is definitely a step in the right direction! YAY!

Speaking of W's assignments (lol) he DID get my garden tilled, although it is a bit of a sore subject as he did NOT listen to me for location, and did not even go with the location that HE brought to the table that I actually liked better than mine, but put it at the bottom of the yard at the dang tree line, which as soon as the few large trees there get all there leaves, is going to be too darn shady to support vegetables. At least that is my opinion. So I am reluctant to even plant anything for the fear that it is going to be a waste of time. But I will do it, and already told him that if it doesn't work this year, he WILL be redoing it in a different location for next year. MEN. I swear. Sometimes even the best of them are just so frustrating! ;0)

1/2 a pound and a swimming head

I had my monthly check up yesterday, and I actually put my hands in the air and cheered "WHOOO HOOO" when I stood on the scale and it told me I had gained 1/2 a pound!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Now, i am not COMPLETELY weight obsessed, especially because I KNOW that to some extent our bodies are going to do what they are going to do when pregnant, and I know I eat a PRETTY well rounded diet, and I am still walking about 2 miles 4 or 5 times a week, but SERIOUSLY, after 8# 2 months ago and then 13# lsst month, I really needed this small weight gain this month. For my own emotional stability. That puts my total at 25# with 11 weeks or so to go, which is okay. It may not sound like a lot, but when you start out on the not so tiny side to begin with, it is plenty. My goal this time is to keep it under 40#, which would STILL put me at almost the same ending weight as last time, which is no little number, but overall, I am okay with how it is going...

Also good yesterday was that my blood pressure is still looking lovely, so no bedrest yet! YAY!

I also had my baby Soul Portrait session yesterday, and it was very cool, but honestly has left my head swimming. There is one part in particular that we talked about, that leaves me....confused? Scared? Questioning my personal strength and my strength to make hard choices when it comes to the best interest of my children. Because, as parents, isn't that our goal? To do the best we can by them? It has to do with letting go of the notion that MY families life (my family in this instance meaning W, I and our children) need not be completely based on the traditions of what I grew up with...of really questioning WHY I feel so tied to this geographical location, and if it is simply because it is 'what I know' and whether or not it is going to be the MOST beneficial and most NURTURING place for my family. I have often wondered why we stay here...I remember thinking one time "We are adults, we could go live ANYWHERE we want...we could write a completely different life for ourselves, why don't we?" W has often talked about moving away...Alaska and Colorado being two areas he has talked about on numerous occassions...but I am a true Capricorn, and change and the unknown are REALLY HARD for me. But it came up yesterday that we may, in the future, find ourselves needing to think about those things again. And she asked me if I was ready to make decisions like that if they were for the best for my children. I sure hope I am. And she said that this baby is going to push us to be more than we think we are... And she specifically mentioned a place that W has mentioned in the past, which was one of those freaky things...

And there is so much more, but I guess I am not going to get into it right now...

I don't know...it was weird and great and amazing all at the same time. And it has left me feeling a little ungrounded today. I didn't have a chance to take a photo of the Soul Portrait, but I will, I promise, and it is beautiful.

W's assignment for today is to borrow the neighbors tiller and get a plot tilled for our garden and get the compost tilled into the earth so I can sow some seeds this weekend. I am up north, so not really *behind* schedule on planting, but I definitely need to get a move on. So I am REALLY hoping he gets that done for me today...If I wasn't so pregnant, I would TOTALLY just do it myself and not wait on him, but I am thinking I should just leave manhandling the tiller to the man this time, LOL...My dad and I had a garden for quite a few years when I was a kid, but it has been a LOOOOOOONG time, and so we are going to go slow, and just do a small-ish garden this year, and go from there. I am going to do tomatoes, peppers (I want to do salsa this fall if I get enough of a yield!), pickling cucumbers (for pickles, obviously), some melons cuz L and I LOOOOOVE melon, Peas in a pod, carrots, and onions maybe. I would like to do so much more, but I think that will be good for this year and gettting a hang of the farming thing again :0) I also am going to get some herbs going in pots that I can bring inside this fall and hopefully continue to have fresh herbs growing inside over the winter.

Better Now - with UPDATE

I am back at it today and feeling 100% better, thank my stars. Last week was horrible; every time I thought I was feeling better I would soon enough be assured that I was no where near better. I ate toast and bananas and applesauce all week. Thankfully, L didn't get the worst of it, although his stomach is a little wacky as evidenced by his diapers the last few days (I assure you, once the baby arrives, I am making a deal with W that I will change EVERY SINGLE baby diaper as long as he changes L's poopies!!!! I will take that yellow, seedy, up the back of the diaper breastmilk poop over grilled cheese and big people food poop anyday. C'mon potty training...)

I am super backlogged on reading my blogs!! It will take me 3 times as long to catch up, I think. Being down a week really sets you back!!

Luckily, last week was a slower week at work, and if I needed to take time off, it was at least a good time work wise...although I hate eating up so much PTO all at once, and to lay around being sick, none the less. Technically, I only used 3 days...but 3 precious days I could have used for something fun like a me day, or a day to spend time with L enjoying the nice weather! Since I am salary, 1/2 days or less don't really count against our PTO, unless you abuse it, of course.

The thing I love about being so sick is how appreciative I feel when I finally feel better! Even the screaming ache in my hips and back seem to have quieted down a bit for now.

Yesterday was okay. I could have handled a much more relaxing day, but at least I got a pretty decent walk in, and a short nap. But much of the day was spent running around, visiting the other mothers in my life. Even though I am a mom myself now, the day still seems to be more about our moms. Only because I allow it to be though, I suppose. And I love W to death, but I must say, I could stand him to be a little more sentimental and thoughtful and romantic when it comes to things like Mother's day and birthdays. But I knew this about him, and chose to love him anyway. He has come so far in so many other ways in our time together, that I still hold out hope that he will come around a bit on this, too.

*UPDATE*

I am so excited! I have this pyschic medium friend who is just so amazing, and does these wonderful spirit guide sessions she calls Soul Portraits. It is a reading / healing session...she connects with your spirit guides to bring forth the information that you need at the time...if you check out the link she explains it better...And you come home with a beautiful, completely unique, piece of artwork.

Anyway, I have had oh...5 or 6 sessions with her in the last 8 years, and am convinced that she sees and is open to things which most of us do / are not. The first time I had a session with her, we did not know each other at all, and she blew me away, and convinced me, a skeptical believer if you will, that she is genuine...that session was mostly focused on my friend Lynda who had recently died in a tragic car accident caused by a drunk driver. It was one of the most spiritually healing experiences I have ever had. Over the years, I have come to call her my friend, and she has continued to make me a believer in her gifts. I have seen her leave several of my friends as blown away as I was and have been.

Over the years and through my multiple sessions with her, we have talked about my children; which at the times of most of the sessions, were still 'future' children...I am so excited because she not only does Soul Portraits of adults, but also of children, and even babies IN THE WOMB! I am going to see her on Thursday to have a mini Soul Portrait done of this baby, and I am very, VERY excited. She has conveyed messages to me that already seem to be playing out when it comes to L, and I am excited to see what this baby's spirit guides are going to tell me. I already believe that my friend Lynda has been with this baby, and will continue to be with this baby as a guide, which makes my heart happy, and makes me even more excited about this session, as it presents a chance to reconnect with her as well.

I will post a photo of the Soul Portrait on Friday. Wish me fun!

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.

Tidbit

On my way to work, there is a billboard that is sponsored by some society for healthier people, and it has been advertising the benefits of and promoting eating fresh fruits and veggies.

The other morning as I drove by, I noticed it had been changed to read:

"Grapes: The original grape flavored snack"

Hell yeah. I laughed out loud.

Names, a belly pic, and the untamed jungle (warning - read the last part at your own risk)

Everything going around my brain lately seems so heavy. And difficult. And depressing. And serious. I thought maybe I would go for something a little less all of those today.

Although the task of naming a baby is actually VERY serious. Most of my 5 readers (lol, or so) have had the task of doing this, and so they know. It is serious business, and is NOT EASY, if you ask me.

The whole 'do you have names picked yet?' has been coming up more lately. As it always does. And it really NEEDS to come up; between us, at least.

With L, we went into the delivery room with about 4 names for a girl that we both really liked, but we didn't have as much luck with agreeing on boy names. Since I TOTALLY thought L was going to be a girl, I wasn't so worried about it.

Lo and behold, L was NOT a girl, and he didn't have a name for about 5 hours, at which point I told my dear W that I was sick of calling the baby 'Baby' and that we better figure out what we were going to name him. He had really gotten to like 'L' about halfway through the pregnancy, but I was not so convinced. But when we decided it was between that and one of the names that *I* liked the best, I could not deny that W's choice fit our son much better than mine. And so I let my husband have the final say on his first son's name. The nice wifey that I am, I even let him give him 2 middle names, to honor his father and his uncle, even though I am not big on the whole 2 middle names thing.

This time, we are once again having really no problems with girl names. In fact, right now, we have TOO MANY that I like!! I will undoubtedly get more of the final say should this be our girl, and W and I have already agreed that the baby's middle name can be Lynn, after my good friend Lynda who was killed by a drunk driver 10 years ago at the beautiful age of 21.

So far, we have Amelia Lynn and Nora(h) Lynn in the top slots for girls, both of which W came up with. After that, we also like Cecelia Lynn and Ada(h) Lynn (or possibly spelled Ayda Lynn, which was at the top of our list should L have been a girl). Since I really like the name Maleah (which W has already put the kabosh to), I like the Amelia and Cecelia choices as I could call her Lia for short.

Since I really think this is going to be our girl, we will hopefully be okay, but I really feel for this baby should he come out a he...I have poured and poured over the endless lists of boys names on line, and the only ones that sound good to me at all are mostly names that W nixed last time...Caleb, Elliott, Elijah. I also threw Connor out there a few weeks ago, but was given the 'Are you fucking kidding me?' look by W, so I pretty much know his feelings on that one. I still like Isaac, which was my choice last time, and we both liked it then, so it is about the only one we have come to agree on. I have more recently thought that both Liam and Ro(h)an are okay, but have yet to run either of them by W. I am pretty sure he won't like Liam, but maybe I will be wrong.

**SIGH**

What do you think, my dear readers? What names do YOU like??

Good thing we have a few months left. I'm just hoping my intuition is right this time and we won't even have to try to figure the whole boy name thing out ;0)


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Okay, so although I feel like an Oompa Loompa (already), Kori tells me I look cute (or some other equally sweet word), so I decided to give you a peek of my pregnant self.

This was taken a couple of weeks ago already...I think I was like 22 weeks or something...The belly feels and appears larger from MY perspective than it does in the photo. And yes, I am aware that it is going to get MUCH LARGER before this is all over :0)



Hmmm....I need a haircut, no??? My layers are JACKED from going to Great Clips, and my lovely friend who cuts hair (at a fancy pants upscale salon, even) has offered to fix them up for me. I really need to call her and get that taken care of...Thinkin' I'm really going to try for this weekend - that hair is BAD!

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(Okay, so here's your fair warning to just stop now...don't say I didn't warn you...I tend not to blog about stuff like this, but I'm trying to keep it real in regard to the joys of pregnancy for my 'as-of-yet-not-and-may-never-be-in-the-parental-way' reader, and because it's on my mind, AND it's my blog :0) )

Speaking of bad hair, I realized the other day, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while climbing out of the shower (something I really try to avoid doing these days!!) that I forgot to take care of some crucial grooming one last time before the belly got to the point that I can no longer see the area of said needed grooming...It is beginning to resemble the untamed jungle down there, and it seems to be migrating quickly above the bikini line...Because I CAN'T really see past the belly well enough to take care of it myself without risking damage to my delicate girl parts, I thought maybe my dear W would be willing to lend me a helping hand...HA! Damn men. He looked like a deer in headlights when I mentioned it last night. Even when I told him I would do it for him, he wasn't convinced...

I guess I can't blame him too much...I am sure he is having flashbacks of our son ripping his way out from 'down there' as he burst into our world, and the flood that followed. It still seems to haunt him...poor wussy...*I* have gotten over it, and *I* was the one being torn wide open...

Guess he will just have to live with the consequences of not being willing to help a girl out with a little maintenance...

Movin' on Up...

After many strike-outs, I finally managed to get my hands on a mattress on freecycle for L's toddler bed, and we set it up on Saturday.

What an excited little boy we have!!

I wasn't ever planning on using a toddler bed. We received an awesome single bed size wooden bed frame with the nice headboard and drawers underneath from my old boss a while back, and just planned on moving L right into that in the downstairs bedroom when it came time to move him out of the crib. However, I discovered that for whatever reason, I am just not comfortable at this point to have L sleeping downstairs, in a big bed, with us upstairs. It may be irrational fears, but I am just not comfortable with it, and decided we had to come up with a different plan. I think if HE was upstairs and we were downstairs, I would be okay with him being that far away, it's just the idea of him being on the main floor and us being upstairs that doesn't sit well...I mean, if someone broke in, he would be the first one they came across, and I am just not okay with that at this point.

Seeing that the big bed is just too large to cram into the room upstairs with the crib, I decided that we would have to find a toddler bed to put in there. I was able to find a used bed frame for $25 at Once Upon A Child after continually not having luck with the ones I was finding on freecycle, and then finally was able to find a mattress this weekend for free!! YAY!!

I also stopped and picked L up his own, brand new pillow (for only $5!!) and got his bed all set up this weekend. He was in 7th heaven, and must have played on his bed with his cars for at least an hour. I couldn't even get him to come downstairs!

Our first attempt at nap time in the new bed didn't go very well, though. There was just too much excitement over the new digs, I think. I could tell there was no way he was going to settle down in a timely fashion and actually FALL ASLEEP on his new bed, so we just used the crib. I am going to give it a little time to loose it's new excitement, and think we will give it a serious go this weekend and try to get him to actually SLEEP on the bed.

L had a pretty funny moment of realization about the whole situation when my In-laws came over and he was showing them his new bed...G-ma said "You get to sleep in your new big boy bed because when the baby comes, the baby will need to sleep in the crib" L stopped in his tracks, thought about it for a second and said "No, MY crib!" I think even if we have the sleeping in the bed thing down before baby arrives, we still may face some regression and objecting from him on letting the baby sleep in 'his' crib.

Seeing him laying in his toddler bed is so bittersweet! I really can't believe how quickly the time goes when it is being measured by your child(ren)'s growth. It truly TRULY goes too fast.

Just life

I have to say again that W is so much more enjoyable when he is not BEYOND exhausted in the evenings from working all day. He has the energy to play with L so much more, and he is so much more the funny, carefree, happy man I fell in love with.

Last night we BOTH went for a walk with L so he could take a trike ride to g-mas house. Even though W really probably shouldn't have walked that far on his ankle (I don't think I have even mentioned THAT yet...I will) and he was even running, which he really shouldn't have done, it was SO NICE to do that as a family. Usually it is L and I. Which I don't mind, really, I love my walks and our time together is great after being apart all day, but it is nice to have daddy along too.

So, the ankle. W called me a few weeks ago at work about 8:30am and informed me that he fell off a ladder and that I should probably come home and take him to the ER. He fell from about 12' but thankfully was not hurt too seriously. He sprained his foot and ankle in multiple places, and got stitches under his chin, and fractured a rib (or two...he didn't tell the doctor about that or me either, until after the fact, so there were no x-rays of his ribs. He knew from previous experience that there isn't much they can do for a fractured rib, although I was still angry at him for not telling the doctor OR ME about that part). So, yeah, it could have been SO MUCH WORSE and we are SO thankful that it wasn't. I work with a guy who fell from 7' and SHATTERED both of his wrists a few years ago. And I guess since we will be having the baby this year causing us to have to pay our full insurance deductable ANYWAY, AND seeing that he is laid off anyway, I guess if it was going to happen, it couldn't have happened at a better time. (See? Right there, so much to be thankful for.)

So due to that, he has been pretty sore and healing the last few weeks, and the last time he went for a walk with us he really over did it on his foot. But I am glad that he came last night, and he seems to be no worse for it today, which means he is healing.

Other than that, not much going on. Pregnancy is good. This baby is CRAZYYYY! Super active, which is good. Although I am hoping this one has a personality similar to L's (and W's) laid back personality, I am beginning to think we ARE going to get our crazy Devil's spawn child this time.

I am reading a book called The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, and it ROCKS. Just what I was craving right now; a heavy, emotional, deep story with characters and a story line that really pulls me in and lets me escape in someone else's strife (a fictional someone else...I wouldn't want to escape into a real person's strife...although it is a factually based fictional story, but really, I guess, there is not much fictional strife that has not or is not happening to a living person...). A story that helps remind me of the important things in life, and that others have made it through much worse than what I am facing. The two books I tried prior to this one just weren't doing it for me, and I returned them to the library unfinished...which I HATE to do, but maybe I will try them again some other time and be able to finish. They were The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (Marissa - I picked that one up cuz of you...I really wanted to finish it, but alas it was just taking me too long to get through) and The Lord of The Flies.

The only problem is that I am staying up way too late reading!! That combined with the fact that after a few hours either on the couch or in the bed my back is achy and I toss and turn for the rest of the night, not getting very good sleep, is making me one tired mama. **SIGH** I know I might as well get used to it again, as it will be the story of my life for at least the next year. Although it is well well WELL worth it, it is one of my least favorite things...I do love me some sleep!! When I am done with this book (which will probably be this weekend) I have Life of Pi waiting for me. Hoping that one grabs me too.

Oh, I also discovered the awesome fact that you can borrow DVD's from the library. For FREE. And keep them for TWO WEEKS. Yeah - it's FREE! LOL...We were going to rent Madagascar for L last weekend, and I happened to be stopping at the library to pick up books and my co-worker asked me to return some items for her, and one was a DVD...DUH, I thought, maybe the library has Madagascar? And they DID! And I didn't have to pay $3 (plus late fees) and L got to watch it over and over again for days. I took it back and found another one that he is loving - They Might Be Giants "Here Come the One, Two, Threes". The only downfall is the selection gets pretty picked over, but I have some reserved and can find good enough stuff in the meantime.

So yeah, that's life right now. Just floating on. I am still not watching much in the way of news so as to help keep the anxiety at bay. And it's working, which I am thankful for. In this time of so much struggle, I am finding SO MUCH that I have to be thankful for. And that ROCKS.

My son, the Storyteller...

My son is becoming a story teller.

It's not his fault...really. If the resident daycare bully (who happens to be a girl who is 6 months L's junior) hadn't decided L was a good target a few months back, we wouldn't be where we are now. And maybe it's a little bit of my fault too, I guess.

It started a few months ago when my DC lady showed me the first bite mark upon pick up...She apologized profusely, and said she had really tried to keep her eye on The Offender as much as possible, but while trying to do this AND make lunch (how dare she take her eyes off to make lunch??), said Offender quickly blindsided L and sunk her teeth in. She comforted L, and Offender was scolded for being naughty and given a time out.

I assured her that it was okay, L would live, and life would go on.

When I asked L what happened, he matter of factly told me "C bit me - C naughty, time out C!"

Now, I really was not upset about the biting, I mean, when you have 10 kids around, and some are of the age of learning about proper and improper ways to show anger and frustration, there are bound to be some incidents. And to be completely honest, I was thankful she was telling me my child was the victim and not the offender! Call me crazy or a bad mom or whatever, but I hope I NEVER have The Biter...I mean, kids get thrown out of daycare for that! I have known kids to get thrown out of MULTIPLE daycares for that! And god knows it is hard to find REALLY GOOD, affordable, convenient daycare, which is exactly what I have with my current daycare provider. So yeah, at this point, L was not badly hurt and I was glad he was not The Offender.

In light of this fear, I though "hmmmm, this would be a good opportunity to use this as a learning experience about not biting" so I proceeded to stress how naughty C was for biting, and that we DON'T bite people, and if we do, we are in trouble and get a time out. I thought my plan was working perfectly since whenever we talked about biting, L immediately added that biting is naughty and is grounds for a timeout. Great!

The biting occurred a few more times, never very bad, but always accompanied by a very concerned daycare provider apologizing profusely, and after it happened a couple of times, promising that this was to be the last occurance, if it happened again, she would be asking the parent of The Offender to get their child as she cannot remain, and also asking me for reassurance that I was not going to pull L out of her daycare (???!!! Pull L out?? No way...I would definitely push for The Offender to be removed, but would not pull L out!)

I continued to use the incidents as opportunities to stress to L that we do not bite people, that it is not acceptable to express our anger or frustration in such a way...I was happy that he seemed to be catching on well.

Somewhere along the way, however, in his little brain, he must have come to like me talking about how naughty so and so was for doing such and such, because now I am getting stories of misbehavior by some kid or another practically every day!

I will walk in the door to daycare, and he will run up to me yelling "Mama! Mama!" throw his arms around me, give me my kiss, and then proceed to matter of factly tell me how so and so "bit me today" with the most serious look on his face!

Or we will be riding in the car and he will proclaim "C pinches people, Mama, dat naughty!"

Or the other day when we were in the grocery store, racing to pick up a few things and get home to make dinner, and he was NOT COOPERATING one bit - he wanted his boots / coat off, he insisted I carry him around the store (all 35# of him, in my preggo arms, trying to push a cart with the other hand - UGH!) and I told him he was being quite naughty and he said "No, I not naughty Mama, C naughty!"

Or how the story changed from he and another kid bumping into each other and him falling down and hitting his head to "J hit me Mama" while he points to the part of his head that he hit when he fell.

"No" I tell him, " J didn't hit you, you and J bumped into each other and you FELL DOWN and hit your head. It was an accident, L."

"No, mama, J hit me!" and his eyes get big and he shakes his head up and down.

My daycare provider is very good at telling me when something happens, in fact, I sometimes chuckle at the things she tells me about, or worries about. Although I can understand why she needs to be completely forth coming about everything that happens, but really, we are family, and I pride myself on being pretty down to earth in the aspect that I believe kids are going to be kids, and when they are with each other every day, things are bound to happen! So I am pretty confident that she is telling me the truth when I tell her the stories that L tells each day and she says she is pretty sure nothing like that happened today, etc etc.

So, part of me thinks it is fairly comical, because it IS fairly comical...He will come up with these things out of the blue and remind me how "C bites people" "C pinches people, Mama" etc. But part of me is a little concerned that my boy is turning into the boy who cried wolf!!

Or worse, that C's parents will find out that my child is smearing their precious little girl's name all over town!!

Although she IS a little bully...On that he is telling the truth...maybe just stretching it a little...I can't hardly scold him for being honest, now can I??

Facebook...which should be called Crackbook...

My ever persistant Facebook addicted friends finally suckered me into joining their cult about 2 months ago. I tried to resist, I really did, and I succeeded for quite awhile. I quickly discarded all of their "So-and-so wants you to join them on Facebook!!" emails without a second glance, knowing that it was in my best interest to not start another time sucking internet based venture.

They finally got to me...My friend from forever, R, started talking about all this dish she was finding out about people that we graduated with...and how she was reconnecting with all of these people...and how it REALLY was an easy way to get in and keep in touch with people...those that you see often and those that you haven't seen or talked to in years.

Well, finally, one bored ass day I took the leap (What's that saying about idle hands and the devil's playground???). And OMG, you really CAN reconnect with people! And, OMG, it WAS really nice to get in touch with some people that I would never have were it not for Facebook. I was actually glad that I did it!

But then, people started sending me these application invitations...Ya know (or maybe you don't...maybe you have been successful at resisting the pull of FB - so far), someone sent me a tree that I can plant and grow on My Farm...and someone else sent me a "Break for Mommy" thingy, and someone else wanted me to "Join their Cause" and just by clicking I was helping to donate to one cause or another...Then I got some little sea animal for my Cove, and just by doing blah-biddy-blah I would be helping to save a square foot of rainforest...and on and on and on...I started becoming overwhelmed with all of the requests I had to sort through. I did some of them for awhile, but decided that saving the rainforest via FB Apps was not as important as playing with my toddler or even SLEEPING at night, and I deleted most of my Apps and started ignoring requests left and right. My FB experience has now become more enjoyable and managable once again.

I do remain addicted to a couple of apps...R got me into playing rounds of WordTwist with her and her sister (she swears it's her sisters fault...) and my brain is definitely addicted to the challenge. I am also addicted to Flair, and so I returned the favor to R by sending her tons of flair to fuel my addiction (because, just like everything else on FB, you must send to receive, ya know).

Overall, I AM glad I joined. I really HAVE reconnected with some people that I miss, and that I would not have without FB. In fact, remember him?? (Also see here) After only slightly, kinda, sorta stalking his sisters FB page (which luckily for me happened to be completely public) for a couple of weeks, I found him. I felt like a little school girl as I send him a friend request along with a little message stating I was hoping to find him on FB and would love to do a little catching up. I feel weird admitting that I had butterflies in my stomach and that I checked my page quite obsessively waiting to see if he would accept my request. He did, and we emailed back and forth a few times, and filled each other in on our lives and such, and agreed that we should meet up for drinks and catching up in our old haunt at the lake sometime. I really would love to, but wonder if it might be too akward, and wonder what kind of reaction the idea would get from my dear W and JJ's dear girlfriend...Since emailing with him, I have had weird dreams about akward meetings with him. It may forever remain a FB reconnection, which might be okay, too.

I do remain slighty eeked out by the whole 'stalker' type aspect that, IMO, is part of the draw for people. I have received requests from people whom REALLY have no other reason to want to be my friend on FB than to look through my pictures and see who / what I am talking about on a daily basis...I have repeatedly ignored a couple of requests, and don't feel guilty in the least (as long as I never run into them in public and have them ask why I haven't accepted their friend request. Sure, you think "who would actually confront someone on something like that?" but seriously, I have no doubt that a couple of these people would!). And yet, I would be lying if I didn't admit that some of the people I have befriended I have done so to fulfill the stalker in myself, or to see pictures of the snotty, perfect little rich bitch from HS who is now fat and unhappy with 3 snot nosed brats running around.

So yeah, if you haven't fallen prey to the whole FB phenomenon, best of luck to you...It can be such a powerful tool, but also a HUGE waste of your time!!!

Why must they? Part 2 (I think)...or because it's my blog and I can...

I am going to be shallow and rude for a moment, but I need to go off for a minute, and besides, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I really try to not take advantage of the "Mommy to be / Families with small children" parking spaces unless I really have to, or until I get to the end of my pregnancy and really appreciate not having to walk a mile into the store. I DO use them more often if I have L with me than if I am alone.

Yesterday was just one of those days though...I had walked around a LOT at a very large campus of one of our clients, in REALLY bad shoes (I need new work dress shoes badly, but it just can't be a priority right now), and I just wanted to get in, get my bra and get out. (The bra, BTW, was another thing in dire need of replacement...and while the shoes can be tolerated and be made to suffice for a little while longer, my girls were letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the bra could not!)

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Okay, I had the rest of the story typed out (which was just a big long rant), but when I got finished and re-read it, I just could not publish it. Written out, it came off as even more rude and shallow than I believe I am, and it's more raging pregnancy hormones than anything, and after the last post that got you all thinking I am a whack job, I couldn't let you think that I am a super rude, super shallow whack job...

Let's just say that I got EXTREMELY irritated by not one, but TWO, lazy, selfish asshole people who pulled into the 'Mommy to be / families with small children' spots that I was was pulling up to...Neither of them pregnant, nor with small children in tow. One was just a lazy lone lady who appeared perfectly capable of walking from a normal spot, and the other one was fat and with a bouncy 10 year old in tow...hardly qualifying as a 'small child'.

Oh, and I *may* have made an under my breath remark, which maybe wasn't so under my breath, and possibly was heard by someone, and I may have felt kinda bad...but not totally bad, because it *was* true...

(Okay, so you still got a glimpse of my rudeness in the short version, but hey, like I said, it IS my blog...if I can't do it here, where do I dump these feelings???)

And no, it did not kill me to walk a little further, but c'mon people, SERIOUSLY?

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Fooling myself...

I had this naive notion that I could protect my children from my parents' alcoholism. That due to the fact that *I* was determined to show them with my own actions and life choices that drinking like my parents do is not normal or healthy or the way that all, or even a majority of people, live their lives, that they would be safe from the hurt and pain inflicted upon me by my parents alcoholism. That my parents could be a part of my children's lives and somehow I would use their sickness as a way for my children to learn from a distance...my children would not have to live through what I did in order to learn the lessons; I could teach them by viewing it from afar.

I had this plan that I would simply tell my children that Nana and Papa (him, especially) have a disease, a sickness they couldn't control, and that drinking like that was not a healthy or happy way to live. And that somehow, some way, those words would make them understand and would protect them.

HA...yeah...good plan.

Last night I was telling L that I was going to call Papa B and Gramma C (W's father and his wife) and see if he could stay with them on Saturday night while mama worked. He immediately started whining that he didn't want to go there, he wants to "Go Nana's house...and Papa be der too!" (my parents).

In that instant, at TWO years old, L blew my plan wide open and exposed it for the weak little wanna be protection from the storm that it was trying to be.

"No, you can't go to Nana and Papa's, we're going to see if you can go to Papa B's and Gramma C's house"

"Noooo - wanna see Nana an Papa, and Jack be der too!"

How could I have thought there would be no pain in it for him? How could I have thought that saying the words "No you can't_____with Papa because Papa is sick" would magically make him understand my reasoning and squelch his desires to spend time fishing or hunting or hanging out with his Papa that he loves?

Last night, I was able to brush it under the rug and just move on. I just stopped the conversation, and when Saturday comes and we drop L off at his other Papa and Gramma's house, he will be happy and he will forget that he wanted to be at Nana and Papa's instead. But what happens when he is 4 or 5 or 8 and he won't take no for an answer? When he wants to know why he can NEVER do x,y or z with Papa K? When he wants to know why he always stays at Papa B and Gramma C's, but never with Nana and Papa? What then? Could I seriously have thought that saying those weak little words "Papa is sick" would somehow leave him understanding what my 30+ years of life, and being bombarded by and living through all the ugly faces of alcoholism has taught me? How will there not be pain for him when he wonders why Papa can't just love him enough to NOT drink? Did I think he would not wonder that same thing that I myself have wondered a million times over?

I truly believe that I am here in this life and that I chose these parents because *I* will be the one who breaks the chain, the one who chooses the other path. But how could I have thought that there would be no pain for my children? There is no escaping the pain when you are on the path of leaving your family's legacy of alcoholism behind...and regardless of the shortsightedness of my previous thinking that the pain would end with me; that *I* was the end of that legacy, it is obvious that my children are REALLY going to have to be the end. Hopefully my choices, which were shaped through my own pain, along with my children's choices learned through their own different, but equal pain, can allow my grandchildren to be the ones who won't have to learn the lessons through pain. They hopefully can learn to live healthy, productive lives simply because that is the ONLY thing that they know and see in their immediate family.

And although that thought brings me hope and joy, it does not ease the sorrow I feel for my own children. It does not answer the question of 'what's my plan NOW?' How am I going to help ease their pain? I'm tired. Tired of the alcoholism. Tired of thinking about it and seeing it and figuring out how to live through it. Tired of feeling guilty and disappointed and embarrassed and sad and mad because of it. I would so much like to brush it under the rug, but I keep tripping on the bump it creates. I cannot even look at my father these days, which makes me feel so sad and guilty and angry. I see in his eyes that he knows; he knows that I can hardly stand to look at him, and he knows why, and it hurts him SO BAD...I can see all that in his eyes, and it makes me SO FUCKING angry at him for knowing it and allowing me to feel so guilty because I cannot muster the strength to say it all out loud.

I only wanted to spare my children this pain...this unfair, unrelenting pain caused by the actions of our loved ones which we have no control over. This realization of my flawed plan has dampened my heart...

Just Breathe

W got laid off yesterday.

"You might as well go sign up for unemployment" they said "we don't have anything for you."

We knew it was coming. I guess we really were living in denial, just hoping that maybe, oh maybe it wouldn't come. But really? We were just kidding ourselves.

Believe it or not, I am actually *not* freaking out. Yet anyway. I was actually somewhat giddy last night? Laughing a lot. On the surface it probably sounded like genuine laughter...but I suspect if you listened closely, underneath you would hear the laughter of someone teetering on the edge...one of those laughs that starts out great but winds itself up into a jittery, desperate cackling laugh...

I am not freaking out because for the moment, we will be okay. We can survive with my income and W's measly unemployment disbursement for awhile. We have a little money in the bank (and I do mean *little*, but a little is a little better than *none*, right?) and this will really give me a chance to see how serious and dedicated I/we are to our new path to financial peace. If we live below our means, we can make it for awhile. (Why the hell weren't we living below our means when it would have meant we could save for a time like this? THAT is the ultimate question, and is exactly what our path to financial peace is all about...I think I am ready for my heart change, Dave Ramsey.)

I am REALLY hoping that my calculations were wrong, and that we will eek out some kind of tax return this year to help us out in the interim also, but I am not going to count on it. We don't usually get much, compared to a lot of people I know, but we usually get a grand or so, which would be great right now. But it seems that W's work had him down for 2 exemptions for state and fed this year, instead of the 0 or 1 we thought he was claiming, so not looking so good. Ah well, better that we keep our money throughout the year and not let the gvmnt use it all year I guess.

I think the reason I am not freaking out yet is because I am not thinking beyond that. I am not thinking about the prospect that the residential housing market could be in the dumps for a lot longer than just a little bit...not thinking about the fact that this layoff may not last for just a few months...not thinking about what might happen should my husband, who possesses only a high school education, and who has only ever worked in the manufacturing or construction trades, have to look for a different job when every line of work he has ever done is struggling just as much as the construction industry.

W is going to check out a few leads today. Thankfully, he does have a few things to check on and hopefully something will come through.

So for now, I am just going to breathe. What else can I do?