I don't think I can NOT have another one of these, and Holy shite it's cold

When I look at things like this I want to weep at the beauty, and I wonder if I can truly live with never having another baby ever again. I don't know if I can.

And then I spend a few hours with L and his little Terrible Three self while trying to take care of Baby C's needs also, and I am plummeted back into the reality that those cute, sweet, precious little babies don't stay that way forever. That they become a LOT more work as they get older. That they talk back, disobey, hit their baby brother, and get REALLY needy and whiny.

But seriously. Thinking that Baby C may be it for us and that I may never hold another newborn (of my own) to my breast makes me want to weep, too. And then weep and weep some more.

(And for the record, L is actually a really good boy. He has moments, but they are, for the most part, few and far between. And as I said the other day - I love him beyond measure and wouldn't change a thing!)

And also - HOLY SHITE it's cold. The last few mornings we have woken up to -20 degree temps, with daytime temps hovering around 0. I know it's winter, but this is just TOO cold. I was driving to my friends house yesterday morning, and hit an area that was -24. What the fuck.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

A sad day...

The matriarch of this family had a massive heart attack last night and is currently in critical condition, on life support and in an induced coma, at the hospital.

I am supposed to be working; I NEED to be working, but all I can think about is this family and the ache this is causing in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped by her room this morning because I had to be at the hospital anyway for work, in the exact wing she happened to be located, and I couldn't NOT stop. I didn't want to intrude, but I felt compelled to express my love and to let the family know I was thinking of them and that I was available if they needed ANYTHING.

I only stayed about two minutes, and didn't even enter the room; the whole situation felt sacred - something to be shared by the family. But the daughter (whom the letter was initally sent to) assured me that I was not, in fact, intruding, and thanked me for stopping. She mentioned the letter and said how it had had a very large impact on her mother; how proud and happy it had made her, and how they had talked about it often. All in all, I am very glad that I did stop.

That entire family means a lot to me, and has for the majority of my life. I am very saddened today. The prognosis at this point is not good - they will be doing some additional testing today. I am hoping and sending my love and energy their way.

And now I am going to try to get some work done.

Hard

This is when it's hard.

When I am here, in my office pumping. Thiss is when I cannot help but think of his little self. If I close my eyes, I can picture him down there suckling. I can smell him and I can feel his fuzzy little head cupped in my palm like it is when he nurses. His chubby little hands resting on my breast, or wrapped around my finger. his little jaw moving; suck-suck-swallow...

I can see his face when his belly is full and he pulls of, looks me in the eyes, sticks his tongue out and smiles and coos at me. So content and full and happy. His new thing is blowing raspberries when he finishes. He lays there looking up at me smiling and blowing raspberries.

Yeah. This is when it's hard.

Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

Back to work

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It is really making me sick to my stomach, and so sad.

I know it gets easier, but it is SOO hard at first, and right now, I REALLY don't want to do it. Today cannot go slow enough. The boys and I have been playing playing playing all morning, and right now, the younger is taking a little nap, and the elder is having a bit of lunch, and I am wishing the day would drag on forever and ever.

If shit wasn't all messed up at work it wouldn't be quite as bad. Last time I was on leave, that place was toxic when I left, but things had changed while I was out, and I returned to an altogether different place. BETTER different. This time, it was decent when I left, but is almost more toxic now than it was the last time. I really have no desire to go back to that. I am keeping my eyes open and looking for something else, but there just isn't much of anything around here in my line of work...

I have always said I didn't think that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but this time, I don't know. If we could afford it, I probably wouldn't go back to work. It just feels different this time. I know FOR SURE I could go for only working 3 or 4 days a week - that would be a perfect balance. I could still work outside the home, which I DO honestly enjoy doing, but also get ample time at home with the boys...

I have been holding baby C as much as I possibly could for the last week or so. I honestly don't care if it causes him to get used to being held and causes issues for my daycare lady; he will adjust. I have just needed to keep him as close to me as possible these last few days of our undivided time together. I have even been keeping him in bed with me when he wakes up for his 5 or 6 am feeding; nursing him laying down, both of us falling back to sleep together when he is done. I NEVER did this with Logan, but I can see the draw of co-sleeping - how wonderful to snuggle next to my little one. To hear the measure of his breathing and feel his breath on my chest. The smell of him while I sleep. To wake up to his rooting around and grunting and to see him smile when my face is the first thing he sees upon waking. *SIGH*

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to suck big ass. As will probably the next 2 weeks, until I can get back into the routine. At least Thanksgiving Holiday is coming up fast, and in only a couple of weeks I will get 4 straight days with them again.

Wish me luck.

The elder is done eating, so we are gonna play some puzzles before his nap, and then I am gonna snuggle the younger and hope the afternoon and evening drag on.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

41weeks + 2 days...It's time...

In a little over 2 hours, we will be checking in to the birthing center so my doctor can break my water and get this show on the road, although I cannot believe I have not started full blown labor on my own yet.

As of Friday morning, I was dilated to 5cm, 80% effaced and baby was at like +2 station...All signs point to go, but this baby just doesn't want to come out!! So we will be going in, and my doctor thinks that just breaking my water should be enough to put me into labor well enough. So hopefully no pitocin even, which would be great.

My massage therapist friend L is going to be there with W and I for labor, to help me try to do this without an epidural. I am hoping since I am halfway there already that this will be a quick labor, and all will go well.

I am SO EXCITED!!! AHHH!!!! I cannot believe that within mere hours we will FINALLY get to meet this baby!! I am nervous as well, but I know we can do this.

I just SO HOPE this baby is healthy. Please oh please oh please let the baby be healthy...

And what I really want to do right now, at 4:42 am is go upstairs and hold my baby L, who is not a baby anymore, but told me today that 'he is little...he is baby L' and in my heart that is so true and wasn't it just yesterday that I was giving birth to HIM? And I am feeling melancholy cuz now it's all going to change, and he will no longer be my only baby, and he will have to move over and share my heart...and although it is such SUCH a joyous thing, it is also a bit of a sad thing too. And I want to just go hold him for a bit and smell him and remember him just like this, before he becomes 'the big brother'. Lately, like the last couple of weeks, he has felt like he has aged quite a bit. And I have a feeling that is going to expound once this baby is born. My baby L.

So, I will be back home in a few days with photos and stories...Wish me luck!

40 weeks +3 days...

And we are still waiting. My lack of posting is not because I am in the hospital with this baby in my arms unfortunately, but because the baby still doesn't want to come out yet. I have tried the tricks, I have tried talking to her/(him), I have tried bribery, I have tried pre-grounding her/(him), but alas, no luck.

And so, we continue to wait. I just hope it happens soon. Have I said lately that I am just SO DONE?!?

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Waiting.

We are still waiting.

No baby yet.

This one is going to be stubborn I think.

I really thought she(he) would be a Cancer. But she shall be a Leo - and that is okay. Leo's are said to be charismatic and positive-thinking, and to be natural born leaders. They are also said to be born fortunate and attract many friends and opportunities. Sounds good to me. Besides, I don't know if I could handle another moody, broody, emotional Cancer in my house - her father is the perfect example of a true Cancer ;0). Leo sounds like the perfect combination of my positive Capricorn traits and the positive aspects of her father's Cancerian traits.

The first thing I really want for her (okay okay, or him) is to be healthy. Please oh please oh please let her be healthy.

When I got home from work yesterday, L said "The baby didn't come out yet?" LOL, even L is ready for me to be done...mostly cuz I have told him that Mama won't be able to make the walk to the duck pond until after the baby comes out. We have been driving there, but both miss getting there by walking.

Last night, I told L to tell the baby to "Come out, we are ready to meet you" and he ran over and put his hands on each side of my belly and planted his lips against it and said "COME OUT BABY!!! WE READY TO MEET YOU! WE WANT TA HOLD YOU!!"

Oh my sweet little man, my love my joy you make my heart smile so and I swear it will burst from the overwhelming love it holds for you. I can't believe we are soon to have another one to bring that much more joy to our lives...I cannot wait to see you interact with your lil brother or sister - you are going to be a great big brother...

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

________________________________________________________________

We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

_________________________________________________________

I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Nightmare

I awoke in the dark to him crying out, SOBBING, a sound that immediately cut through my heart, my soul, and I jumped up off the couch and I ran up the stairs, faster than I thought I could move at this point, and I took an extra step up at the landing and stumbled, but didn't fall and kept running up the rest of the steps because it was one of THOSE cries; an OMG I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NO JOKE sobbing, and did he fall out of bed? It's only 12" to the floor, and how could he get hurt falling out of there, but JEEZ, something is really wrong and OH MY poor poor baby Mama is coming.

When I got into his room I could see by the light of his radio that he was still in bed and his eyes were squeezed shut and he was SOBBING, and his face was streaked with tears and is he awake or is he sobbing in his sleep? And if I wake him will he know it's me or will it freak him out more? And I say "Shhhh Baby, L, it's okay, Mama's here, Shhhh Baby, what's wrong? Mama's here..." and I touch him on the cheek and he opens his eyes and he says as he is reaching for me "It BIT me, down der, it BIT me on da put" and one of his legs IS hanging off the bed, but what the hell would have BIT him? and I scoop him up and he wraps himself around me and hangs on for dear life and I say "Shhhh, mama is here, it's okay now Shhhh" and we rock in the chair and my shoulder is wet instantly with his tears and he nuzzles as tight into me as he can and he says again "It bit me" but there is no blood, and I just hold him tightly and once again we are tangled together as one and his fear is my fear and my hurt to help bear until finally he calms and his breathing slows and the hitching of his breath stops and finally I feel it is safe to ask if he is ready to lay back down in his big boy bed, but he points to our bedroom and whimpers, and then points to the empty crib and tells me he wants to sleep in his crib and of course, I oblige. He takes his 'beebee' (blanket) and his kitty and he wedges himself into the corner of his crib and covers himself and his face with his blanket and kitty and he drifts back to sleep. And I know he is feeling like his beebee and his kitty are his shield and if he covers up completely nothing can get him because I STILL do that when I have a bad dream, and I just wanna crawl in with him and hold him and take all his fear away.

And this morning he awoke happy and smiling and calling out his usual "Mama - can I go down da stairs?", his signal that he is up and ready and looking for me to come give him permission to get out of bed and come downstairs...And after I got him downstairs on the couch I checked his feet over and as I was looking at them he looked at me with wide eyes and said "A nake bit me. On my put. He bit me. Up der" and pointed upstairs and I said "Oh NO L, you just had a bad dream, there are no snakes in your room, nope, no snakes in our house" and he didn't believe me and said again that "a nake up der bit me" but I assured him again that there are no snakes in our house and he brightened up and said "No nakes? No nakes in our house ta git me?" and I assured him again, and I think he believed me, and I HOPE he believed me, and I think we may need to do some reassuring tonight to get him into his big boy bed again, and Oh my, his first nightmare and I just wanna take all the fear away...take it all away for him. And this is only the beginning. How am going to get through all the times when I want to take away all the pain, the dissapointment, the sadness, the emotional hurt, the unfairness that is life and I can't?? And I have to just be there to hold him and say Mama's here, but what about when that is not enough, but is all I can do?? And how will my heart come out the other side of motherhood intact after being shattered again and again?

Bits and pieces

Today, I am feeling relatively at peace. Mostly because I have not thought about our budget at all yet. I don't have the exact numbers anyway, so there is no point in doing it yet anyway, and for now, surprisingly, I have been able to just let it go. I am only hoping that when the actual numbers come in, the cut won't be quite as deep as we are thinking. I don't even think I mentioned that the salary cut is coming in the form of reduced health care benefits, and very substantial increases in the amount that I will have to pay toward premiums, deductible and services. But as that has been a part of my compensation package for the last 10 years, and we have no other option (ie W doesn't have any insurance that we can check into - I am the sole person with the ability, at least right now, to provide health insurance for our family) it IS a direct pay cut. And I know I am by no means alone in this, and we are lucky to HAVE health coverage, but dammit, it is still a roughly 20% pay cut all at once, and jeezus, how can they just DO that to someone?? And not just me, who has been there for 10 years, but EVERYBODY; even the guy that has been there for 25 years. They have always said, 'We are a small, family orientated company, we care about you, we are a family here'...yada yada yada, all a bunch of shit.

And, there is a LOT more to the whole story, stuff I will not share as it is confidential company information; the reason the cuts are needed is pretty sad and disgusting when you get right down to it, but let me just say that the future is not bright at all around that place, and I don't see myself still there a year from now. Or should say that I seriously hope and plan that I won't be there a year from now. Unless something DRASTICALLY changes soon.

Enough of that, though. I have fun news today too.

L slept in his toddler, aka 'big boy' bed, last night!! I am pretty sure I have talked about the fact that we set it up a while ago, but as of yet, he has been extremely reluctant to sleep in there at night. He LOVES to play in it, but when it comes time to sleep in it, he has so far THOUGHT he wanted to, but as soon as I would leave the room he would get scared and want to go in his crib. Which I have just let him do. It's not so dire that I need to force the kid out of his crib if he isn't ready.

But last night, when we got done reading books, he told me 'I haf ta lay down in my big boy bed!' and so I said sure, but reminded him that if he wants to sleep there he has to STAY IN BED, and I will be checking and if I come up and find him out of bed then he will have to go into his crib. He said 'otay, mama' and layed down. I checked on him every 5-10 minutes, and each time he was still in bed. There was one time when I heard a loud crash and went up to find him standing at the window (still in his bed, as it is right under the window) and that he has pulled the screwdriver out that was holding the window open (I know, I know, that is not a very good set up now that he is sleeping right there - that is W's assignment, to rig a better way to keep the window open) and the window had crashed shut. It scared him pretty good though, and between that and my threats that he better leave it alone or he will get a BIG ouchie, he didn't touch it again.

It probably took him about 45 minutes total to fall asleep, but he did. With his feet at the head of the bed and his head at the foot; but he didn't fall out all night, which I was worried about since he is such a restless sleeper like his dad. When I woke him up this morning I made a big deal about praising him for being such a big boy and sleeping in his big boy bed. So hopefully he is going to make the transition smoothly now!

**SIGH** it is again, as always, a bittersweet moment. I am excited for him to come into our room on a Saturday morning and climb into bed with us and wake us up! But not looking forward to if or when he figures out that he is no longer confined in his bed and can test me at bedtime by getting out of bed! Hopefully he won't ever get there...he never tried to climb out of his crib, though I have no doubts he would have been fully capable of it had he tried.

He also made another step showing he is getting closer to wanting to potty train...the other night we were at my mother in laws for dinner and as they came in from outside to sit down at dinner, he told me 'Mama, I pooped, needa change my diaper'...usually, when he poops, he will deny it till the end of the day!! LOL...even when you catch him in the act of it, grunting and tensing and all, and you ask if he is pooping, he will say "No, I not poopeen". And he has been content to continue on about his day for as long as possible without getting his diaper changed. So that was the first time he showed the initiative to want to have his diaper changed, which is definitely a step in the right direction! YAY!

Speaking of W's assignments (lol) he DID get my garden tilled, although it is a bit of a sore subject as he did NOT listen to me for location, and did not even go with the location that HE brought to the table that I actually liked better than mine, but put it at the bottom of the yard at the dang tree line, which as soon as the few large trees there get all there leaves, is going to be too darn shady to support vegetables. At least that is my opinion. So I am reluctant to even plant anything for the fear that it is going to be a waste of time. But I will do it, and already told him that if it doesn't work this year, he WILL be redoing it in a different location for next year. MEN. I swear. Sometimes even the best of them are just so frustrating! ;0)

1/2 a pound and a swimming head

I had my monthly check up yesterday, and I actually put my hands in the air and cheered "WHOOO HOOO" when I stood on the scale and it told me I had gained 1/2 a pound!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Now, i am not COMPLETELY weight obsessed, especially because I KNOW that to some extent our bodies are going to do what they are going to do when pregnant, and I know I eat a PRETTY well rounded diet, and I am still walking about 2 miles 4 or 5 times a week, but SERIOUSLY, after 8# 2 months ago and then 13# lsst month, I really needed this small weight gain this month. For my own emotional stability. That puts my total at 25# with 11 weeks or so to go, which is okay. It may not sound like a lot, but when you start out on the not so tiny side to begin with, it is plenty. My goal this time is to keep it under 40#, which would STILL put me at almost the same ending weight as last time, which is no little number, but overall, I am okay with how it is going...

Also good yesterday was that my blood pressure is still looking lovely, so no bedrest yet! YAY!

I also had my baby Soul Portrait session yesterday, and it was very cool, but honestly has left my head swimming. There is one part in particular that we talked about, that leaves me....confused? Scared? Questioning my personal strength and my strength to make hard choices when it comes to the best interest of my children. Because, as parents, isn't that our goal? To do the best we can by them? It has to do with letting go of the notion that MY families life (my family in this instance meaning W, I and our children) need not be completely based on the traditions of what I grew up with...of really questioning WHY I feel so tied to this geographical location, and if it is simply because it is 'what I know' and whether or not it is going to be the MOST beneficial and most NURTURING place for my family. I have often wondered why we stay here...I remember thinking one time "We are adults, we could go live ANYWHERE we want...we could write a completely different life for ourselves, why don't we?" W has often talked about moving away...Alaska and Colorado being two areas he has talked about on numerous occassions...but I am a true Capricorn, and change and the unknown are REALLY HARD for me. But it came up yesterday that we may, in the future, find ourselves needing to think about those things again. And she asked me if I was ready to make decisions like that if they were for the best for my children. I sure hope I am. And she said that this baby is going to push us to be more than we think we are... And she specifically mentioned a place that W has mentioned in the past, which was one of those freaky things...

And there is so much more, but I guess I am not going to get into it right now...

I don't know...it was weird and great and amazing all at the same time. And it has left me feeling a little ungrounded today. I didn't have a chance to take a photo of the Soul Portrait, but I will, I promise, and it is beautiful.

W's assignment for today is to borrow the neighbors tiller and get a plot tilled for our garden and get the compost tilled into the earth so I can sow some seeds this weekend. I am up north, so not really *behind* schedule on planting, but I definitely need to get a move on. So I am REALLY hoping he gets that done for me today...If I wasn't so pregnant, I would TOTALLY just do it myself and not wait on him, but I am thinking I should just leave manhandling the tiller to the man this time, LOL...My dad and I had a garden for quite a few years when I was a kid, but it has been a LOOOOOOONG time, and so we are going to go slow, and just do a small-ish garden this year, and go from there. I am going to do tomatoes, peppers (I want to do salsa this fall if I get enough of a yield!), pickling cucumbers (for pickles, obviously), some melons cuz L and I LOOOOOVE melon, Peas in a pod, carrots, and onions maybe. I would like to do so much more, but I think that will be good for this year and gettting a hang of the farming thing again :0) I also am going to get some herbs going in pots that I can bring inside this fall and hopefully continue to have fresh herbs growing inside over the winter.

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.

Destiny

I have been thinking back a lot in the last few days to mine and W's early relationship; how we came together, where we have been, what we have come THROUGH together, what our love looked like back then. It has been good for my soul to pull these memories up and revel in their sweetness; not that it has been, by any means, ALL sweetness, but those are the memories I have been thinking about. With all the difficult memories I have been dredging up lately, remembering our years of love has felt good, and helped to balance me out.

I heard a song this morning that I guess I haven't listened to in quite some time and it instantly transported me back to an important incident in our journey that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

We had to have been 22 or 23 when my forever friend R and I took a spur of the moment weekend trip to Tampa, Florida. She was going through a hard time, and needed to get away. She called me on Tuesday and said "Let's go to Florida" and told me the flight details and cost, and said we leave on Thursday.

Now; I had NEVER flown anywhere. I had NEVER seen the ocean. I had NEVER done anything like this. I was 22. I had the money. I was a young professional. I was an ADULT, and I could DO something like this; just take off for the weekend. It didn't take me long to make the decision that Hell yeah, I needed to jet to Florida for the weekend.

W and I were living together at the time, and when I got home that night, I told him our plans.

He was NOT happy. At that time, he was still having some jealousy issues, and was still somewhat insecure in our relationship. I know that the reason for this is because he believed (and somewhat STILL does believe) that I was too good for him, and wondered why the hell *I* was with *him*. He has told me this. Several times.

We had a pretty good argument about it. I could understand some of his fears, but I honestly didn't much care. It was actually a really good thing in that it basically gave me the opportunity to express to him that he needed to get over the jealousy thing, and to realize that if I didn't want to be there, I wouldn't. And that I wasn't going to live the rest of my life in a relationship with someone who can't trust me because of his own insecurities. I had NEVER given him any reason to doubt me or to not trust me. And that I was GOING TO FLORIDA dammit, whether he liked it or not.

I left for Florida with a somewhat heavy heart. Before I left, he was still very cold toward me; obviously still hurt or angry or whatever that I was actually going through with it. The couple of times I talked to him over the weekend, he was quiet and didn't say much, and what he did say was snotty. Which on one hand made me angry, but I also missed him and knew he was missing me. It was the first time we had spent the night apart (let alone a FEW nights apart) in at least 3 years.

Although I was missing him, I had a BLAST!! It was my first adventure. And it was great fun. The ocean was amazing (people have corrected me saying "It's the Gulf, not the ocean", but I fail to see or acknowledge the difference. For me, it was my first trip to THE OCEAN.). So much more powerful and huge and awe inspiring than I had ever imagined it (think how blown away I was when I stepped into the 10 times sweeter Caribbean Ocean on our honeymoon to Jamaica!!). We swam in the ocean, even though it was the end of October and not all that warm. But to us, it was heaven, coming from the chilly fall weather we were escaping. We went to some night clubs. We went to Busch Gardens.

On the flight home, despite all of the fun I had, and the anger I had felt toward W for his childish behavior, I was still very anxious to get home to him. And then this song came up on my CD player, and although it was a song I had listened to a LOT, it was the first time I really HEARD it, and it was SO PERFECT. I remember the sky outside the plane window was dotted with clouds beneath us, and I remember the intensity of the sun way up there, and the lyrics were so spot on and it made me so happy. And I remembered how much I loved and appreciated that man, despite the jealousy issue. And it reminded me of how much light he had brought into my life. And I put that song on repeat and listened to it until we touched down at home, and I was soon to be back with him, and I was nearly me again.

And as cliche as it seems, I still believe he was and is my Destiny.

What our love looks like...

The manifestation of our love...



He makes my heart swell so I can hardly breathe, and my eyes fill with tears.

All the pregnancy stuff is SO SO worth it.

Angry

I wrote a post and emailed it yesterday to Maggie for her Violenced Unsilenced website. I had been debating doing this for awhile, after Maggie encouraged me that my story may help someone. I am not sure when it will be up, but I will let you know.

It turned out to be much harder than I had originally expected it to be. Not the writing, but the feelings that it exposed. As the memories unfolded on the screen, it struck me that those things happened to ME. For so long I have thought that I had addressed the issues and moved on...that I had come to terms with it all. But I realized that for so long, when I thought about those things that happened, it was like watching a movie; those children were not me and my brother, they were just actors...Those adults were not my parents, they were just.actors. It turns out, I hadn't addressed or come to terms with much of anything...My brain had just conveniently removed ME from the equation. They were Other People. Not Me.

I think part of that comes because my mother likes to say "You only focus on the bad. Your life wasn't that bad; there are so many who had it worse."

Yeah. There were and are LOTS and LOTS of people who 'had it worse'. I need only read the stories here to know that, but does that mean that I am not entitled to the pain that I *did* suffer? Discounting the situation as 'not that bad' is an excuse. It is her way of justifying all that happened, and making herself feel okay with exposing us to it all. I know this. But that doesn't help heal that little girl who still witnessed horrible things, even if they weren't the MOST horrible things.

It could also be the fact that I was stoned for a decade. From the time I was 14 until I was in my early twenties, I was stoned. I always told myself I just liked to smoke pot, and that it was all good, but I can see now that I was definitely self medicating, avoiding, hiding.

Writing it all out has left me feeling like an open wound...my emotions are oozing out of me...slowly. And they feel hot, and angry, and they burn as they come. Different emotions keep coming...the more I think about it the more different emotions boil up to the surface. I feel angry, and disgusted, and sad, and confused.

There is just so much coming out lately...Starting with all of the issues that have been coming forth with my dad's spiraling alcoholism and his relationship with L and this coming baby, and now with everything that is coming up from writing for Violenced Unsilenced...it's all working its way slowly to a head it feels.

It's good. I know it is. Things I have wanted to say to my parents for a long time are starting to burst forth from my mouth as they run through my head. Almost by the will of someone else, they come forth, where before they would have just continued to run through my head, WANTING so desperately to be said out loud. That little forgotten girl inside of me is finding her voice. And she is TIRED of the silence, and the waiting, and the holding it all in, it seems. And she is ANGRY.

Like the other day, my mom stopped by and was talking to L about the summer and how much fun they were going to have...she asked if L had a fishing pole, and I said 'No' and she told L that she was going to buy him one so that her and Papa could take him out fishing in the boat.

I was standing at the counter making supper and as the same old thought ran through my head it simultaneously came out of my mouth -

"As long as Papa realizes he isn't going to be drinking before OR during the fishing trip"

It felt SO. GOOD. to say that out loud. I wish he would have been in the room, but it's okay. It still felt good.

My mom looked at me with a hurt look on her face, and proceeded to inform me that she had already had that talk with my dad - that he 'Better realize that E isn't going to put up with you drinking if you want to take her son fishing'...and then she asked me if I really thought she would allow that.

I told her that No, I don't think SHE would do anything to put my child(ren) in danger, that I do in fact trust her to obey my wishes when it comes to my child(ren), but that my Dad needs to realize that there is no leeway on the boundaries I set; that he is going to be forced to make a choice. It may break my heart if he cannot make the right choice, but on this I will not bend. He is going to make a choice - his grandson or his alcohol. It doesn't mean 'just a few beers' before hand, it means you don't drink until AFTER you have my son safe and sound back with me. That my brother and I may have survived him, but I will be DAMNED if I am going to put my children out there and chance them surviving him.

I so so wish he had been there, but it's a step. I felt lighter, and relieved. I know I need to say it to his face, and I really really feel as though the day is coming when it is all going to come out of me, and onto him.

But good as it feels, it hurts me, too. Because it hurts her. It's hurts her probably on so many levels that I cannot even comprehend. And that hurts me, deeply. But I cannot continue to be silent. I cannot. It's not just me, it's MY CHILDREN on the line now. Being a mother changes everything SO MUCH.

She stopped again a few days later, and as she was leaving she said to me

"L is so so sweet, E - enjoy that now, because it all changes...they grow up and leave you. I should know, I have completely lost my son"

Meaning she has lost her son because he married a woman who took him away from her and turned him on her...

"Yeah, but part of that is not your fault -"

"I know, he and I always had a very close relationship"

"-no, I mean part of that is because of Dad."

"Yeah, but what can I do about that? I can't do anything about his problems...and I may be an enabler, but what can I do? My mom lived with the same thing."

BINGO. There it is, the continuation of the cycle. 'What could *I* have done? My mom lived through the same thing...*She* couldn't do anything, what could *I* do either???'

"Well, it's too late now."

"What could I have EVER done?"

It saddens me to no end to see that she doesn't get it. That she came through her experiences with her OWN childhood as the person who perpetuates the cycle. It's all excuses. As my friend Kori said, it's all excuses. Excuses for inaction. Excuses to quell their own feelings of guilt.

It angers me. I am ANGRY at her. As much as she was a victim herself, I still hold her partially accountable and at fault, for letting it happen. And that then CONFUSES me...how can I be SO ANGRY at another victim? But then again, I guess I could look at HIM as a victim, too? Couldn't I? A victim of the disease of alcoholism? A victim to his uncontrollable anger??

I am also guilty of being an enabler myself. By not telling my father EXACTLY what I feel, by not telling him that how he drinks is NOT okay, and that he NEEDS help; by continuing to sweep it under the rug, I myself have become an enabler. By not drawing a line in the sand and saying I love you, but I will not continue to sit by while you drink yourself to death, I will not allow you to have a relationship with my children in the state that you are in, I am allowing him to continue on.

There is so much going on in my head. And I know the pregnancy and the hormones add fuel to the fire. But this NEEDS to happen. But that doesn't make it easy. And it all threatens the relationship with my parents - this delicate balance I have struck between my true emotions and what I want to be...but that relationship is built on sweeping the dirty, hard, disgusting facts under the rug, just as we have always done. I don't want to do that forever. I CAN'T do that forever. It's like balancing a ton of feathers and a ton of bricks...somehow, that ton of bricks is just so much heavier...