Fooling myself...

I had this naive notion that I could protect my children from my parents' alcoholism. That due to the fact that *I* was determined to show them with my own actions and life choices that drinking like my parents do is not normal or healthy or the way that all, or even a majority of people, live their lives, that they would be safe from the hurt and pain inflicted upon me by my parents alcoholism. That my parents could be a part of my children's lives and somehow I would use their sickness as a way for my children to learn from a distance...my children would not have to live through what I did in order to learn the lessons; I could teach them by viewing it from afar.

I had this plan that I would simply tell my children that Nana and Papa (him, especially) have a disease, a sickness they couldn't control, and that drinking like that was not a healthy or happy way to live. And that somehow, some way, those words would make them understand and would protect them.

HA...yeah...good plan.

Last night I was telling L that I was going to call Papa B and Gramma C (W's father and his wife) and see if he could stay with them on Saturday night while mama worked. He immediately started whining that he didn't want to go there, he wants to "Go Nana's house...and Papa be der too!" (my parents).

In that instant, at TWO years old, L blew my plan wide open and exposed it for the weak little wanna be protection from the storm that it was trying to be.

"No, you can't go to Nana and Papa's, we're going to see if you can go to Papa B's and Gramma C's house"

"Noooo - wanna see Nana an Papa, and Jack be der too!"

How could I have thought there would be no pain in it for him? How could I have thought that saying the words "No you can't_____with Papa because Papa is sick" would magically make him understand my reasoning and squelch his desires to spend time fishing or hunting or hanging out with his Papa that he loves?

Last night, I was able to brush it under the rug and just move on. I just stopped the conversation, and when Saturday comes and we drop L off at his other Papa and Gramma's house, he will be happy and he will forget that he wanted to be at Nana and Papa's instead. But what happens when he is 4 or 5 or 8 and he won't take no for an answer? When he wants to know why he can NEVER do x,y or z with Papa K? When he wants to know why he always stays at Papa B and Gramma C's, but never with Nana and Papa? What then? Could I seriously have thought that saying those weak little words "Papa is sick" would somehow leave him understanding what my 30+ years of life, and being bombarded by and living through all the ugly faces of alcoholism has taught me? How will there not be pain for him when he wonders why Papa can't just love him enough to NOT drink? Did I think he would not wonder that same thing that I myself have wondered a million times over?

I truly believe that I am here in this life and that I chose these parents because *I* will be the one who breaks the chain, the one who chooses the other path. But how could I have thought that there would be no pain for my children? There is no escaping the pain when you are on the path of leaving your family's legacy of alcoholism behind...and regardless of the shortsightedness of my previous thinking that the pain would end with me; that *I* was the end of that legacy, it is obvious that my children are REALLY going to have to be the end. Hopefully my choices, which were shaped through my own pain, along with my children's choices learned through their own different, but equal pain, can allow my grandchildren to be the ones who won't have to learn the lessons through pain. They hopefully can learn to live healthy, productive lives simply because that is the ONLY thing that they know and see in their immediate family.

And although that thought brings me hope and joy, it does not ease the sorrow I feel for my own children. It does not answer the question of 'what's my plan NOW?' How am I going to help ease their pain? I'm tired. Tired of the alcoholism. Tired of thinking about it and seeing it and figuring out how to live through it. Tired of feeling guilty and disappointed and embarrassed and sad and mad because of it. I would so much like to brush it under the rug, but I keep tripping on the bump it creates. I cannot even look at my father these days, which makes me feel so sad and guilty and angry. I see in his eyes that he knows; he knows that I can hardly stand to look at him, and he knows why, and it hurts him SO BAD...I can see all that in his eyes, and it makes me SO FUCKING angry at him for knowing it and allowing me to feel so guilty because I cannot muster the strength to say it all out loud.

I only wanted to spare my children this pain...this unfair, unrelenting pain caused by the actions of our loved ones which we have no control over. This realization of my flawed plan has dampened my heart...

From the mouth of the babe...part whatever; I lost count

I have been really bad at writing all these cute little speech momentos down lately. I have been really bad at keeping track of ANY little momentos aside from filing them in my memory lately to be honest. L HAS a baby book intended to house these moments, keeping them intact and safe from the fuzziness of memory which happens over time, and I know that someday I am going to regret not making the time to keep score better.

So, lest I forget them, I wanted to write down a couple of my most favorite current developments with L.

Not to long ago, everything became 'for a minute'..."Play ball me, foraminute?" "Brush teef, foraminute" "Nuggle me mama, foraminute? (with his sippy in one hand and the other hand in his hair and his sweet little blue eyes (my eyes) pleading with me to just take a second, mama) " with his voice raising just a titch at the end so that every time he says the word it ends in a question, whether it is a question or not...

His other new phrase is 'can we ____ now'..."Cawee eat now, mama?" "Cawee watch Dora now, mama?" The other day we were at my Auntie Rose's wake, surrounded by a bunch of people that L doesn't know, waiting in line to pay our respects, he in my arms holding on for dear life, and he grabs my face in his two little hands and turns my head so that he is looking directly into my eyes and says "Cawee go home now, mama, please?" while shaking his head yes...

**SIGH**

W said last night that he doesn't want him to learn to talk properly, can't we just freeze him right here for awhile?

Yeah, don't we wish...

A true struggle and REAL worry...

My friend Kori over at See Kori Rant reminded me today that although we may be struggling in some ways, we have SO SO MUCH to be thankful for, and that things could be SO much worse in such bigger ways. There are much much more trying things that can happen in life, and I should be thankful for so much. Which I am.

She has some friends who are going through probably the most difficult thing I can imagine in life; watching your baby (or child) go through a major illness. I can't say much about it right now, it has really dampened my heart. I cannot bear to imagine seeing my L or this growing life inside of me in that position, and I pray that I never have to experience it.

I am not usually one to ask people to give to people they don't know, and I know we are all struggling, but on the odd chance that this story touches one of you and inspires you to help in whatever way you can, I ask that you stop over here and just take a look.

Just Breathe

W got laid off yesterday.

"You might as well go sign up for unemployment" they said "we don't have anything for you."

We knew it was coming. I guess we really were living in denial, just hoping that maybe, oh maybe it wouldn't come. But really? We were just kidding ourselves.

Believe it or not, I am actually *not* freaking out. Yet anyway. I was actually somewhat giddy last night? Laughing a lot. On the surface it probably sounded like genuine laughter...but I suspect if you listened closely, underneath you would hear the laughter of someone teetering on the edge...one of those laughs that starts out great but winds itself up into a jittery, desperate cackling laugh...

I am not freaking out because for the moment, we will be okay. We can survive with my income and W's measly unemployment disbursement for awhile. We have a little money in the bank (and I do mean *little*, but a little is a little better than *none*, right?) and this will really give me a chance to see how serious and dedicated I/we are to our new path to financial peace. If we live below our means, we can make it for awhile. (Why the hell weren't we living below our means when it would have meant we could save for a time like this? THAT is the ultimate question, and is exactly what our path to financial peace is all about...I think I am ready for my heart change, Dave Ramsey.)

I am REALLY hoping that my calculations were wrong, and that we will eek out some kind of tax return this year to help us out in the interim also, but I am not going to count on it. We don't usually get much, compared to a lot of people I know, but we usually get a grand or so, which would be great right now. But it seems that W's work had him down for 2 exemptions for state and fed this year, instead of the 0 or 1 we thought he was claiming, so not looking so good. Ah well, better that we keep our money throughout the year and not let the gvmnt use it all year I guess.

I think the reason I am not freaking out yet is because I am not thinking beyond that. I am not thinking about the prospect that the residential housing market could be in the dumps for a lot longer than just a little bit...not thinking about the fact that this layoff may not last for just a few months...not thinking about what might happen should my husband, who possesses only a high school education, and who has only ever worked in the manufacturing or construction trades, have to look for a different job when every line of work he has ever done is struggling just as much as the construction industry.

W is going to check out a few leads today. Thankfully, he does have a few things to check on and hopefully something will come through.

So for now, I am just going to breathe. What else can I do?

Bye Bye my beloved Auntie R...say hi to my G-ma...

I just found out that my Auntie R passed away this morning.

Auntie R was really my GREAT Aunt, my dad's mom's twin sister. Being that my G-ma (her sister) passed away when I was like 12, which was close to 20 years ago, Auntie R has really been more like a grandma to my brother and I since then. It really was an easy transition; she looked more like my grandma than my grandma did at the end anyway, and she was just as sweet of an old lady as my grandma, and she loved us like grandkids anyway, not to mention we didn't have ANY of our grandparents left after her sister passed away, so why not. We did not see her a ton, but definitely felt a connection to her, and she to us...



This was Auntie R last summer with L at a family reunion (CORRECTION: I was not thinking when I wrote this...this photo was 2 summers ago). (Can you see the family resemblance? The pale and pasty color with the veins showing? Seriously, though, L and I definitely take after my dad's family, and in the larger version of this photo you CAN totally see a bit of family resemblance...) This was the last time I really got to spend any time with Auntie R with her mind completely intact. It was so great to see her, and for her to spend some time with my first born. L took to her right away, and I have an even sweeter photo of the two of them with him looking up into her eyes and she down into his.

The next time I saw Auntie R she was in a nursing home, and not doing so well. This was probably 6 months ago. She was still fairly mentally intact, but she seemed to really be withering away.

Last week, my mom called me and told me that Auntie R had been moved to the nursing home in our town, and that for her birthday (on Valentines Day) she wanted to have us all get together and go see Auntie R. ABSOLUTELY I was game...I had been thinking about her lately, and really was excited to go see her again.

I had this nagging feeling though, that instead of waiting until Valentines day, that we should go THAT weekend (which would have been last weekend). I didn't know why, just felt like we should.

Well, DAMMIT, I should have listened to my gut. Now I will be seeing her ONE LAST time in her casket at her wake. I am irritated right now. And sad. And feeling that regret of letting life get in the way of the really important things, and not spending enough time with someone when we have to chance.

UGH.

I know the last time I saw her though that I did impress upon her how much she meant to me in my life, and we shared a moment. It really kind of was a goodbye as at that time they didn't think she would make it much longer. So I guess I have that.

So, goodbye Auntie R. I really did love you and you really did mean a lot to me. Say hi to G-ma M for me, and G-Pa R, and keep an eye out for us from up there, k?

Love you.

Lunch

This is what I have been craving and eating for lunch lately...

YUMMMMM!!

(And yes, I made that myself :0) )

15.5 weeks *Warning, potentially boring pregnancy update*

Okay, so I am definitely feeling better and definitely starting to feel quite glow-y, which rocks!

At least in between the anxiety. But I am keeping that at bay for the most part, and if it gets too bad, I promise I will talk to my doctor about it. I know it is being partly brought on (or made worse) by the pregnancy, and the rational part of my brain knows that lying awake at night going over and over and over things and getting more and more anxious will not change what is going to happen.

Enough of that though, I did not come here to blog about that. I am trying to not think about THAT. On a mostly unrelated topic, I have a weird, probably insightful, may make you think I am a nut job kind of post brewing, that I hope to share with you sometime soon, but the timing will have to be right, and it just hasn't been yet.

I DID come here to blog about 15.5 weeks, though. 15.5 down, 24.5 give or take a couple to go. As I said, I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, and I am so thankful for that. I finally broke out the maternity pants over the weekend, I was still able to wear my regular pants with a hair binder through the button hole, but it was getting pretty uncomfortable so I had to give in. I am enjoying it, though, as I am getting enough of a belly that most anyone can tell I am pregnant (and SERIOUSLY, if you think this is a gunt when you see me, get real, I have never, and will never have a gunt!), but the rest of me hasn't gotten any bigger (well, my boobs have), so I actually feel like a *cute* pregnant lady...you know those ones whose bodies stay exactly the same, only they have this cute little basketball in the front. I am going to enjoy it while I can, as I am sure that by then end, I will be looking like a line backer or mack truck again...

I have a check up tonight. At this point they are pretty boring; weight check (actually kinda looking forward to this, as of last week I was down a pound, which means I hadn't gained ANYTHING yet!) blood pressure check, listen to babies hearbeat, and I'm outta there. I am going to take L with me though this time...I think it will be fun for him to hear the heartbeat; maybe, just maybe if we listen to his heartbeat, and my heartbeat, and then the babies heartbeat, it will help him understand that there REALLY IS something in there.

I am REALLY getting anxious now to feel the baby move...I have felt something here and there that *could* be her (or him, but just know now that from here on out, even though we will not know until birth for sure, I will be referring to the baby as her, for ease of blogging, and cuz I do hope this one is a her!), but it could also be gas, or just weird muscles I never knew I had growing or moving. Really anytime now I could start feeling her. That is going to make it so much more real, and that is when the bond will really start forming.



My baby is now about 4" long, and the size of a softball. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists, make a fist, and suck her thumb. She is moving around in there, even though I don't feel her yet. She is really starting to look human!

In another 4 weeks I will get to have my ultrasound, and even though we won't find out the sex, it is still fun to see your baby in there, looking all human, doing tricks, and to see that all organs are as they should be and to hear that all is well so far.

All I see is Love...

I just stopped to see Erika over at Be Gay About It and check out her post today and I hope you will jump over there and check out the link she posted.

When I watch that video, all I see is Love. So much beautiful, pure Love. And it made me cry, and yes, it breaks my heart too. I just don't understand, and never will, how someone, ANYONE feels that they have the right, or responsibility or mission or whatever to come between the bright shining Love I see when I watch that video...

Thanks for that Erika. Your day will come. Love WILL prevail.

Funny...

I'm sorry, but I find this HILARIOUS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjMRydqBSJ4

Giving in...

Let me just say that giving in to pregnancy food cravings is even better than giving in to stoned food cravings...

Dude in my office gets a DQ daily special value meal EVERY DAY and EVERY DAY I sit in my office with my mouth watering to the smell of the greasy burger and french fries.

Today, I decided I just couldn't smell it without tasting it, and I just finished scarfing down the best greasy, cheesy fast food double cheeseburger and crunchy, delicious deep fried french fries I swear I have ever eaten. And while eating it, I seriously pondered over how that giving in was more fabulous than any meal I ever ate to fulfill a case of the 'munchies'...

*SIGH**

Now I just need a nap....

Snippets of life stuff...

It is getting noticeably lighter on my drive to work in the mornings...A reminder that this bitter cold, dark, restricting winter cannot last forever. Warm, green, light times full of birth and growth and fresh garden goodies and evening walks to the duck pond with L and picnics and Farmers' Markets and parades and BBQ's and bare toes in soft grass and lazy days in the sun WILL return.

*SIGH*

I must just be patient for a bit longer. It is on the horizon.

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Maybe it was the noticeably lighter drive, or the fact that the final tendrils of the flu have finally left our house, but I felt absolutely WONDERFUL on the way to work this morning...Better than I have felt in so long. I felt that 'pregnancy glow' you hear about.

I have decided that I am definitely NOT a person who loves being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome of it, and I do love PARTS of it; feeling the baby move inside of me, knowing that I am literally growing a life inside of me, the wonderful primal sense of empowerment that comes with labor and childbirth (think I am woman, hear me ROAR!), but for the most part, I could REALLY REALLY just skip this part and go right to the wonderful prize at the end. I am definitely feeling SUPER inpatient this time, and decidedly more selfish about giving my body over to this baby for 10 months + however long she/he decides to nurse, and definitely NOT reveling in the attention which is piled upon pregnant women from everyone from family to complete strangers. All of these feelings make me feel incredibly guilty. I *KNOW* the pain of wanting it SO BAD and feeling like it will never happen. I *KNOW* the pain of finally succeeding only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you just as soon as you settle into feeling comfortable and happy in your success. I *KNOW* how I would have liked to seriously murder a pregnant woman who would say these things when I was on the other side trying so desperately to get in. So I hate that I feel impatient and selfish.

This morning, though, in my moment of basking in the 'pregnancy glow' I did not feel any of these things...I was thinking about how wonderful it was going to be to feel this baby start to move around inside of me...to get to know her/his sleep and waking patterns and to see how this baby behaves differently or the same as L did in the womb. I felt really good about being right where I am at in this pregnancy, and so I only hope that as I continue to feel better in this second trimester I can continue to just sit back and enjoy this time and really relish it as probably the last time that I will ever experience growing a human being inside of me.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize...

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I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio for awhile now and his guidelines and financial ideals really make sense. I have been wanting to get his book(s), and have REALLY been needing to get a handle on our money situation. We really need to actively start controlling our money, rather than wondering where the heck it goes. We should absolutely be able to have a safety net in savings much larger than what we have (we have one mortgage payment, which I realize is more than most people have, but it is really not enough.) I should not have to dread balancing the check book and paying the bills, at least not as much as I do now.

It is partly my fault...I have really been slacking on buying food for lunches for W and letting him eat fast food for lunch every day. Partly my fault for not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough, and MAKING him be accountable for the money he spends...partly my fault for marrying someone SO OPPOSITE me in our financial ideals and who has never really had to be responsible or pay attention to where to money goes (neither before his relationship with me nor since the start of it) and for never MAKING him have to take part in the responsibility of figuring out how to pay all the bills on time...We both know and have always known that were something to break up our relationship, it would be financial dischord...

So last night I sat down and did a budget. And I MADE him be a part of it. I MADE him go through it with me and SEE where the numbers come from and where the numbers go...I have done this before, and have always gotten to a point where I was tired of fighting with him on it, and we have fallen back into our same old ways. But this time, it HAS to be followed through. Things are going to be tighter than they ever have once this new baby arrives...Things beyond our control are more uncertain than ever, and we are LITERALLY one set back or disaster away from becoming a statistic. Although we may be 'okay' now, and not struggle as much as so many other people I know, we are by no means financially secure, and it is time for us to buckle down and face reality just like so many others need to do right now.

So we came to some agreements. And although I know it will still be more in my court to ensure that we both follow through, I AM making him become partly responsible for managing his money...He will no longer have his check card (something we BOTH know he is just not capable of using responsibly, as he has no connection to what's ACTUALLY left in the account) but will be getting a set amount of money each week IN CASH, and he will have to make it last and once it's gone, it's gone. I have been kind enough (as an ex-smoker) to keep his cigarettes in the budget as a necessity and they will be covered, but energy drinks and beer and whatever else he spends his freaking money on come out of his small cash allowance and once it's gone, too bad.

Sometimes I REALLY REALLY hate the fact that I have to treat him like a child in this aspect, rather than a partner...I hate that he isn't more on the same page financially as me, I hate that he is so laid back about it all and so "Oh, it will work itself out" about it (because IT doesn't just work itself out, it NEVER has, *I* work it all out) and that really, he is so immature about it. But this is who he is...he is very laid back about most everything in life, which is part of what attracts me to him...he balances my unrelenting uptightedness (is that a word??) and helps me let loose and laugh...and I knew this when I married him, and I married him despite of and because of this, all at the same time. But sometimes it is SO frustrating and tiring and makes me wonder...SIGH.

But I am hopeful and determined that this time it will stick and that he WILL learn to be at least a LITTLE bit responsible and a little bit more of a partner in this with me...And I bought a used copy of one of Dave Ramsey's books to help keep me on track and help keep me motivated.

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Oh, oh I forgot...I saw the most annoying commercial last night...annoying on so many levels.

It was for a tax debt relief company, you know 'Do you owe the IRS money? Well we can help!' and there were all these people saying 'We owed the IRS $17,000, but we only PAID $2,000!' 'We owed the IRS $200,000 but we only PAID $8,000!' and the best of all 'We owed the IRS $3 Million but we PAID less than $1 million!!"

Every admission was followed by this happy, coniving smile.

SERIOUSLY? If you owe the IRS $2K or $17K or ESPECIALLY $3 MILLION, you are obviously making some money and you have OBVIOUSLY been doing something ILLEGAL by AVOIDING PAYING YOUR FUCKING TAXES in the FIRST place, and you are PROUD that you got away with ILLEGALLY AVOIDING TAXES and THEN strapping the REST of us who PAY our taxes with your burden as you snake your way out of paying taxes that you should have paid in the first place????

Am I the only one who sees something morally wrong with this? I mean, c'mon, we all look for every break we can get when it comes to taxes, but I definitely don't AVOID my taxes and I pay my share and I definitely find it morally not acceptable to illegally avoid taxes and then brag about how I hired a fucking lawyer to beg, borrow and steal my way out of paying taxes that I evaded in the first place.

UGH, pissed me off.