Angry

I wrote a post and emailed it yesterday to Maggie for her Violenced Unsilenced website. I had been debating doing this for awhile, after Maggie encouraged me that my story may help someone. I am not sure when it will be up, but I will let you know.

It turned out to be much harder than I had originally expected it to be. Not the writing, but the feelings that it exposed. As the memories unfolded on the screen, it struck me that those things happened to ME. For so long I have thought that I had addressed the issues and moved on...that I had come to terms with it all. But I realized that for so long, when I thought about those things that happened, it was like watching a movie; those children were not me and my brother, they were just actors...Those adults were not my parents, they were just.actors. It turns out, I hadn't addressed or come to terms with much of anything...My brain had just conveniently removed ME from the equation. They were Other People. Not Me.

I think part of that comes because my mother likes to say "You only focus on the bad. Your life wasn't that bad; there are so many who had it worse."

Yeah. There were and are LOTS and LOTS of people who 'had it worse'. I need only read the stories here to know that, but does that mean that I am not entitled to the pain that I *did* suffer? Discounting the situation as 'not that bad' is an excuse. It is her way of justifying all that happened, and making herself feel okay with exposing us to it all. I know this. But that doesn't help heal that little girl who still witnessed horrible things, even if they weren't the MOST horrible things.

It could also be the fact that I was stoned for a decade. From the time I was 14 until I was in my early twenties, I was stoned. I always told myself I just liked to smoke pot, and that it was all good, but I can see now that I was definitely self medicating, avoiding, hiding.

Writing it all out has left me feeling like an open wound...my emotions are oozing out of me...slowly. And they feel hot, and angry, and they burn as they come. Different emotions keep coming...the more I think about it the more different emotions boil up to the surface. I feel angry, and disgusted, and sad, and confused.

There is just so much coming out lately...Starting with all of the issues that have been coming forth with my dad's spiraling alcoholism and his relationship with L and this coming baby, and now with everything that is coming up from writing for Violenced Unsilenced...it's all working its way slowly to a head it feels.

It's good. I know it is. Things I have wanted to say to my parents for a long time are starting to burst forth from my mouth as they run through my head. Almost by the will of someone else, they come forth, where before they would have just continued to run through my head, WANTING so desperately to be said out loud. That little forgotten girl inside of me is finding her voice. And she is TIRED of the silence, and the waiting, and the holding it all in, it seems. And she is ANGRY.

Like the other day, my mom stopped by and was talking to L about the summer and how much fun they were going to have...she asked if L had a fishing pole, and I said 'No' and she told L that she was going to buy him one so that her and Papa could take him out fishing in the boat.

I was standing at the counter making supper and as the same old thought ran through my head it simultaneously came out of my mouth -

"As long as Papa realizes he isn't going to be drinking before OR during the fishing trip"

It felt SO. GOOD. to say that out loud. I wish he would have been in the room, but it's okay. It still felt good.

My mom looked at me with a hurt look on her face, and proceeded to inform me that she had already had that talk with my dad - that he 'Better realize that E isn't going to put up with you drinking if you want to take her son fishing'...and then she asked me if I really thought she would allow that.

I told her that No, I don't think SHE would do anything to put my child(ren) in danger, that I do in fact trust her to obey my wishes when it comes to my child(ren), but that my Dad needs to realize that there is no leeway on the boundaries I set; that he is going to be forced to make a choice. It may break my heart if he cannot make the right choice, but on this I will not bend. He is going to make a choice - his grandson or his alcohol. It doesn't mean 'just a few beers' before hand, it means you don't drink until AFTER you have my son safe and sound back with me. That my brother and I may have survived him, but I will be DAMNED if I am going to put my children out there and chance them surviving him.

I so so wish he had been there, but it's a step. I felt lighter, and relieved. I know I need to say it to his face, and I really really feel as though the day is coming when it is all going to come out of me, and onto him.

But good as it feels, it hurts me, too. Because it hurts her. It's hurts her probably on so many levels that I cannot even comprehend. And that hurts me, deeply. But I cannot continue to be silent. I cannot. It's not just me, it's MY CHILDREN on the line now. Being a mother changes everything SO MUCH.

She stopped again a few days later, and as she was leaving she said to me

"L is so so sweet, E - enjoy that now, because it all changes...they grow up and leave you. I should know, I have completely lost my son"

Meaning she has lost her son because he married a woman who took him away from her and turned him on her...

"Yeah, but part of that is not your fault -"

"I know, he and I always had a very close relationship"

"-no, I mean part of that is because of Dad."

"Yeah, but what can I do about that? I can't do anything about his problems...and I may be an enabler, but what can I do? My mom lived with the same thing."

BINGO. There it is, the continuation of the cycle. 'What could *I* have done? My mom lived through the same thing...*She* couldn't do anything, what could *I* do either???'

"Well, it's too late now."

"What could I have EVER done?"

It saddens me to no end to see that she doesn't get it. That she came through her experiences with her OWN childhood as the person who perpetuates the cycle. It's all excuses. As my friend Kori said, it's all excuses. Excuses for inaction. Excuses to quell their own feelings of guilt.

It angers me. I am ANGRY at her. As much as she was a victim herself, I still hold her partially accountable and at fault, for letting it happen. And that then CONFUSES me...how can I be SO ANGRY at another victim? But then again, I guess I could look at HIM as a victim, too? Couldn't I? A victim of the disease of alcoholism? A victim to his uncontrollable anger??

I am also guilty of being an enabler myself. By not telling my father EXACTLY what I feel, by not telling him that how he drinks is NOT okay, and that he NEEDS help; by continuing to sweep it under the rug, I myself have become an enabler. By not drawing a line in the sand and saying I love you, but I will not continue to sit by while you drink yourself to death, I will not allow you to have a relationship with my children in the state that you are in, I am allowing him to continue on.

There is so much going on in my head. And I know the pregnancy and the hormones add fuel to the fire. But this NEEDS to happen. But that doesn't make it easy. And it all threatens the relationship with my parents - this delicate balance I have struck between my true emotions and what I want to be...but that relationship is built on sweeping the dirty, hard, disgusting facts under the rug, just as we have always done. I don't want to do that forever. I CAN'T do that forever. It's like balancing a ton of feathers and a ton of bricks...somehow, that ton of bricks is just so much heavier...

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Fun facts

I am still feeling all out-of-sorts from finding out about my friend relapsing as well as a more recent development in my life (which I will blog about in the near future) and so my brain is really having a hard time wrapping itself around any type of meaningful blog-able fodder. I have been wanting to do one of these fun fact lists for awhile, so I guess now is as good a time as ever.

1) I am a cat person. I have two, and before L came along, they were my babies.

2) I played the violin for 8 years, still have my violin, and can still squeak off some pleasing notes and read music.

3) My dad's nickname for me growing up was Squirt.

4) I have one brother who is 18 mos older than me whom I love SO SO MUCH. We've been through a lot together, to say the least.

5) When we were growing up, we had a sort of hobby farm...at one time we had 18 outside cats, most of which got killed on the road, but we always had some running around...We also had at some point or another: 4 cows (they got shipped off and butchered and we ate them), chickens (don't know how many, just know it was multiple), whose eggs we collected and ate, bunny I, II, II and probably IV, 2 pigs, a lamb, Mikey, who thought he was a dog, who would scratch on the screen door thinking we would let him in the house like the dogs, a goat (who head-butted me in the ass one time) and dogs...There was Penny and Buffy when I was little, then Buffy had to be put down, then we got Katie, so it was Penny and Katie, then Penny had to go down so we got Amber and it was Amber and Katie when I moved out of my parents house. Both Amber and Katie have now since passed.

6) We also had gerbils for awhile, and they had babies, and I used to have nightmares that those nasty, hairless little babies got loose in the house and it FREAKED.ME.OUT and I wanted to drown the little nasty bastards. I sometimes still have nightmares about hairless rodents infesting my house.

7) I took Spanish for a few years in HS. I still know it fairly well.

8) Before I knew what pot REALLY looked like, we smoked these hollow reeds that we found up our backroad in the woods that we THOUGHT were pot (WTF?!! That was obviously before the whole D.A.R.E. campaign cuz they totally showed us what pot looked like, but by THEN we had figured out our error and already knew what it looked like). They were the harshest thing in the world, and I am sure we thought the headache we got from coughing so hard was from being high. We thought we were so cool. HA!

9) I smoked pot (the real stuff, not weird reeds I found in the woods!) pretty much daily from the time I was 15 until sometime in my early 20's. I still enjoy it on rare occasions, which is MUCH more enjoyable than smoking it every day!

10) I think that if anything should be illegal, it should be alcohol, not marijuana.

11) When I was probably 10 we started stealing my moms cigarette butts and smoking them. One time, my brother and I and a neighbor kid were smoking in the attic of my dad's garage, and my brother left matches on the insulation up there, and my dad found it and ROYALLY chewed our asses and grounded us. For awhile.

12) I have tried LOTS of drugs at least once, but have never done Heroin or PCP.

13) I love to read. That is something I really miss from before L; having the opportunity to just lay on the couch all day on a Sunday, from morning until night, reading. Not doing anything all day except reading.

14) I love Stephen King, and own the majority of his books, and will be sad when he dies and can no longer write books for me to read.

15) I love photography. I hope to continue to practice it as a hobby, with the dream of it being more someday. I think I have a knack for taking good pictures.

16) I have a big mouth, and sometimes I really hate it. Sometimes, things come out that I wish I hadn't said.

17) I have a need to be a part of everything; like at work, we are a small office, and sometimes I can't keep my nose out of whatever is going on, even if it has nothing to do with me. Or like the time in 3rd grade when we had a sub, and someone came into the classroom and asked the sub if so-and-so was there, and I blurted out "NO!" and so-and-so actually WAS there, and the teacher scolded me, and I was SO embarrased. I hate that memory.

18) I really really thought L was a girl the whole time I was pregnant with him. When the Dr. pulled him out and said "It's a boy!" I was shocked and said "It's a boy? Really?" after which I was immediately happy to have a healthy boy. Now, I am glad I had a boy first...there is just something special about mama's little boy!

19) I really want to have a girl next time. Since we think we will stop at 2, I really want to be able to experience raising both.

20) When I was pregnant with L, I was REALLY concerned that my drug use would come back to haunt me in the form of a deformed or disabled child. (NO NO NO, I did not use drugs while pregnant, I meant my high school / early 20's drug use!)

21) In some ways I am more like my mom than I like to admit or acknowledge(see #16 and #17).

22) I have a tendency to be OCD about things. My dishes have a black stripe along one side adn they all have to be lined up and facing the same direction in the cupboard. Clothing and towels must be folded a certain way. Clothing hung on hangers must face a certain direction. I count my steps a lot.

23) I need to be in charge of things. I have control issues. I like to have a plan, and when things don't go according to plan, I don't like it and it throws me out of whack. I hate that about myself.

24) On that same line, I am not good with change what.so.ever. Not even good change. I also hate this about myself.

25) My friend Lynda, whom I have been trying to blog about, was a total free spirit, lived completely in the now, went with the flow. I think that is why I was so attracted to her; she was completely and thouroughly, down to her core, what I could never truly be. I reveled in her free-ness, I basked in the sunlight that was her soul.

26) I *really* loved her. I loved her so deeply that it went beyond any bounds and is different than any love I have felt for any other woman in my life.

27) I miss her.

28) I used to have a re-curring nightmare about a bear chasing me up my driveway, and I would stab it in the shoulder with a nail (WTF?!).

29) I have only broken one bone in my life; my thumb during a softball tournament when I was like 20. I have only had 4 stitches in my life, when I was probably 12, in my knee. I have only had two surgeries; I had a tonsillectomy when I was 26, just before my wedding, and emergency laproscopic surgery when I was 27 to remove an ectopic pregnancy.

I will stop there...29 facts, one for all 29 years of my life. I only get to be 29 for about 7 more weeks, so that seems like a good number.

To break the cycle

I hate alcoholism.

I can't say that I hate alcohol really, although I don't drink myself (save for an EXTREMELY rare Mike's Hard or a bit of wine), I do know that there are people who can have a few drinks and relax and go on with life.

Unfortunately, I have been surrounded in this life by those that CAN'T have just a few drinks and relax and go on with life. Maybe they started out that way, but they found something that easily filled voids that they desperately needed to fill. Something that, due to misfires in their brain or whacked out receptors or some chemical imbalance, they cannot enjoy in moderation, but continually and habitually take to the extreme.

My maternal grandmother's father was an acoholic.

My grandmother went on to marry an acoholic, my mom's dad. He was a MEAN MEAN alcoholic who kept his bottle next to his bed so he could take shots when he woke up at night. Who took a flask with him in the car to work and drank all day, every day. A man whose alcoholism brought out his demons which he unleashed on his family verbally and emotionally (and probably physically too).

My mom went on to marry a similar alcoholic. My dad has mellowed in his older age and his progressed disease, but he unleashed his fair share of demons on us throughout our lives. He never physically abused us (my brother and I), but I have at least a handful of vivid memories of him attacking my mom. I remember lots of nights spent on the stairs, sitting just at the edge of where the wall opened up, listening to them scream at each other, waiting to hear it turn physical, at which time I would run down and yell at him to leave her alone. I remember wetting the bed till I was like 10, and all the trips to the doctors and no one being able to say why it was happening. Simple answer; I was so tired by the time I returned to bed after my nightly vigil that I just couldn't get out of bed when I had to go...(I remember waking and thinking I need to go to the bathroom and picturing myself walking to the bathroom and going; I guess I just never made it out of bed.) I remember as we got a little older (and braver) screaming downstairs "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE GOTTA GET UP FOR SCHOOL!!!" I remember them getting in screaming matches over something they disagreed about on the news?! I remember what I believed to be the last time my father got physical with mom (it was the last time he did it in front of us), and how my brother went off; broke a chair and screamed at them, and then locked himself in the bathroom. The physical seemed to stop after that, but the verbal continued.

(I later learned from my mom that that *wasn't* the last time, but that the physical stopped shortly after that when she finally fought back one night.)

My mom has her own issues with alcohol. She doesn't think she is an alcoholic because she doesn't drink ALL DAY, yet she drinks most EVERY day, and 'catches a buzz' most every day. She doesn't get as drunk as my dad, and she can abstain (like when she takes care of L) but the tendency is definitely there. Just because you are not falling down drunk every day does not mean there isn't a dependence there...

The two families that I grew up closest to had their own, somewhat similar somewhat different, issues with alcoholism. It just seemed normal to me that parents drank every night. And not just came home and had a drink or two, but got DRUNK, every night. Growing up around the bar like I did, it was just all around me. Alcohol was just an every day part of life. I didn't realize (sadly) until I was a teenager that there are A LOT of families that aren't like that.

My brother also has the tendencies. He is one who DEFINITELY cannot just have one or two; when he drinks, he gets PLOWED. He went through a phase in his twenties where he was drinking constantly. I hated him so much for that. It had always been him and I against the world, and we had hated what we grew up with SO MUCH, and how could he GO THERE? I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped letting him crash at our place, and I never stopped taking care of him (as much as it caused friction with W and I at times) but I really hated that person he was becoming. Thankfully, he has beautiful daughters and a wife and enough going on in life to keep him away from that life, but I have no doubts that the seed remains within him, and without care and vigilance, and presented with the right circumstances, he could easily wind up down that road.

I am no angel. I definitely have done my share of self medicating with substances, mine just happened to not be alcohol. It definitely ventured beyond experimentation at times, into the realm of addiction. Given the right (horrible) circumstances, I am sure it would not be impossible for me to fall into a life of addiction if I lost sight.

W's dad drank his fair share while W was growing up. There were other issues in his family that led him to also do some self medicating and experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, and he also drifted beyond the experimentation phase at times in his life. There was a time, after we had been together for about 6 years, before we got married, that I questioned if I wanted to be with him. He was drinking pretty heavily, on a daily basis, and although I loved him, and the thought of leaving seemed impossible, I KNEW that I did not want to marry my father. I had made myself a promise YEARS before, that I FULLY, without a doubt, intended to keep, and that was that I would NOT, no matter what, let my children grow up thinking that getting drunk every night was 'normal'. I would NOT continue the cycle. It was a hard time in my life. But, we talked, and I let it all out, and he made changes, and he grew, and I do not doubt that we were put together in this life to help each other.

When I was 20, a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver who had a record of drunk driving offenses.

I have watched kids I grew up with take their experiences and react in different ways...some have taken the lessons, and like me, vowed to break the chain. Some have taken the lessons and set them aside and will inevitably continue to cycle.

Alcoholism never seems to back down...it is consistant in my life. It continues to knock on my door, no matter how many times I tell it is not welcome. It won't let me be. Now, it has returned in the form of my friend who has relapsed after so many years of being strong. It has and continues to cause me so much heartbreak. I hate it.

And yet, I know that its ever annoying presence serves a purpose. I AM intended to break the cycle. I DID choose this life, and these parents and these people who surround me and these challenges because I AM the catalyst for change.

And yet, knowing this does not make it any easier. I know I need to reach out to my friend who is struggling, and I know I will, but I just need some time to process this. Some time to work through the ANGER at the alcoholism that this current situation has re-ignited. And time to remember that I chose this because I *can* help make change, I *am* meant to break the cycle.

Happy 30th, R

Today, the woman who has been my best friend for the last 24+ years turns 30. I can hardly believe it, as all the memories I have with her feel as though they happened yesterday. I am beyond grateful that she is STILL a part of my life after all this time; and not just a part of my life, but an IMPORTANT part of my life.

We met when we were in 1st grade. She was the new girl, and I don't remember much about meeting her, but I remember I wanted to be friends with the new girl. We both lived in the country, near a small town, but rode different buses. I suppose we became friends because of our parents' shared connection to the local bar. I am not even sure. R probably remembers though, she remembers SO MUCH more than I do :0) I was just thinking the other day that I honestly don't even know where they lived before they came to my town? Funny how you can know someone intimately for the majority of your life and still not know everything about them!

R is completely intertwined in my life; she is as much a part of my history as I am. She knows everything I went through growing up; knows most everything that has shaped me into the person I am today, and I would like to think she feels the same way about me.

I remember so many good times; sliding down her icy driveway, being pulled by the 4 wheeler, the cooking shows we hosted from my sandbox, swimming at Trout Brook, tubing, that time I had my first Big Mac on the way to her cousins house, running around the hills by her house, our fantasy land of Terabithia near the fence corner at the edge of my parent's wooded property, her birthday party that year that we played with the Ouija board and her parents got SOOO pissed at us (OMG, that night still gives me the goosebumps; I had the funniest conversation with her parents the other night about that particular event - they have sworn revenge in the form of the gift of an Ouija board to mine and R's kids when they turn 12 - AHHH!!!), passing notes in high school, hot boxing the car with cigarette smoke on the way to school every morning, fighting!! (Oh the fights we had, LOL, we fought like a couple of wolverines, and about the stupidest stuff sometimes...but we always made up), our impromptu weekend jet-a-way to Florida 7 years ago, her telling me she was pregnant with C, being there at C's birth, learning of her pregnancy with M, her in my wedding 5 months pregnant with M...

I remember lots of tough times too; and sad times and angry times. Those are as much of our history as the good times...

Even though we fought, R was always there for me. She was my confidant, my rock, the one I could go to with anything, the one who understood the difficulty of my home life, the one who told me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it, the one who had the guts to tell someone when she thought I had a problem with cocaine in HS (man, I was mad at her...She was right, although it was not coke, but similar...there is much to that story, but that is for another post).

Never could I guess that we would REALLY still be this close at 30 years old, 25 years after we met...We did drift apart for awhile, in the last year of HS (the time of the cocaine incident) and the first couple of years after HS. We had different things going on in our lives. But the Universe had plans for us, that did not include us growing further and further apart. We reconnected at a time when we both really needed it; she was at the beginning of some tough times in her life, and I was moving away from a destructive path in my life and feeling lost and was desperately missing her presence in my life (I didn't at the time know I was missing her so much, but looking back I can see it).

There is something, that I cannot put into words, about the unique relationship that forms with someone who has known you forever. It cannot be matched. It cannot be recreated with someone you meet in your adult life. Yes, strong bonds can be formed with someone you meet later in life, but for me, it will never feel the same as my relationship with R. As I said, she is as much a part of me as *I* am. Without her, I would not be whole. She cannot be extricated from the tapestry that is me.

Today, at 30, R is an amazing woman. Her journey has taken some turns that she never expected, and she isn't necessarily where she thought she would be at 30, but she is there, and she is living life. She is a strong woman (even if she feels weak inside), a great mother, a wonderful friend.

R~ I know that your life is not necessarily what you had pictured it to be, and you may feel that you could be doing things better or different, but just know that you ARE doing a great job, you ARE a great mother and friend, and you are a shining light on this earth, your children DID make a good choice when they chose you, and I am SO THANKFUL to have YOU as part of ME.

I hope that things in your life continue to look up; you deserve it. I wish for you a WONDERFUL birthday.

And I hope that in another 25 years I am saying Happy Birthday to my best friend of 50 years.

A letter of thanks...

T-

Becoming a mother has caused me to reflect on my life and the experiences, choices and people that have influenced me. Lately, I have been thinking about your family and what you did for me and what it has meant in my life.

I do not know the extent of your knowledge, but I am sure that you figured out that life at the (family) home was difficult, and at times, volatile. I sometimes joke with people that I was ‘raised in a bar’. The sad part is, that is pretty much how I remember it, and how it felt, at least from my child’s perspective. Many of my memories of childhood involve the bar, hanging out in the booths, or the video store or running around (the town). When I look at L and I think about that it saddens me deeply.

Looking back at it from my adult perspective, I can only assume that your family was also saddened by the situation, and that it was a driving force behind offering me a ‘job’ of buttering buns and helping out around the place, at my young age of 10. I was there so often anyway, might as well earn a little money and have something to do.

I am so thankful that you did. Your entire family; you, (brother), (mom and dad), (Grandma and Grandpa),(sister), (oh and 'resident old bartender' too!) have had a positive impact on my life and have helped shape who I am today, and you ALL mean SO MUCH to me. I remember I looked up to you, T, SO much! And what did you do? You worked your butt off at that place. My work ethic has DEFINITELY been impacted by you and what you taught me! The whole 20 year experience and the larger (business)’s ‘family’ continue to be important in my life and to my family.

I have come to terms with my childhood; with my parents own personal struggles and the choices they made. Although they made some bad decisions, they really are good people and loving parents. Were it not for the situation, I would not have the opportunity to write this letter of thanks. All of those experiences have left me with a clearer vision of who *I* want to be, and the things that I do and do NOT want my OWN child(ren) to experience and learn growing up. I can only hope they are blessed to have some family friends as important to them as you have been to me.

So Thank You, for everything you and your family have done for and given to me. Please feel free to share the sentiment with your (mom and dad) and (brother). I just felt driven to let you all know that you will always hold a special place in my heart.



I will be going today to find the appropriate blank card for this sentiment this weekend, and will be handwriting and sending it out. As it stated, I have been thinking about this family lately, and feel it is important for me to follow through with it. Maybe it is just what one of them needs to hear right now or something. Maybe it is in the spirit of the approaching Thanksgiving Holiday. Maybe it is something that will have a future impact upon my life. I don't know. All I know is that it came to me this morning, and I know if I don't send it, I will regret it forever.

He even wrote me a poem...

I had intentions of watching the entire presidential debate last night, but when I put L to bed and W decided to go visit a friend in need for a bit, the beckoning of my little black box (which is actually a chest) was more than I could resist. So, I shut the door so the light crossing the hall would not wake the boy and I cracked open my chest of memories for the first time in a LONG time...

I pushed aside various things that I had no desires for at that moment; I waded through awards and cards and pages of jokes and emails and Lynda's obituary (luv and miss you, my Lyndy Lou)and the cast from when I broke my thumb a few years ago, and a couple of journals (I DO want to read through them again, but not right now, I have a VERY specific target right now) and some high school pictures of various people I have forgotten about over the 11 years since I graduated. I set aside a couple of shoe boxes of notes from high school and AHA! There it is, the shoebox with the letters. I know exactly where they are, standing up along the left hand side of the box.

I pulled them out; there were 5 of them total, less than I remember. I guess we talked on the phone more than we corresponded by letters. They are numbered, in the order I received them, and inside of each envelope the pages are numbered too. I took #1 out of the envelope and I could see where the cologne had soaked in and blurred the edges of the ink...I put it to my nose, but the smell has long since dissipated; damn.

#2 is the letter that had the kindergarten picture, but it also had a 7th grade photo which I had forgotten about.

#3 had the trinket; it was a little button that said "Too drunk for sex", with a reference to the button being "totally you - NOT!" I do not drink, and I think it was also a little joke about me (as of yet) not wanting to have sex with him (which he was totally respectful of). 'It reminds me of us' was what he said in regard to the clipping he included of an Obsession ad with a man's face buried in a naked female torso; very sexy.

#3 was also the letter with the poem. I had totally forgotten he had written me a poem. It was sweet and abstract and full of metaphor, and I remember thinking at the time that it was perfect.

Reading back through the letters confirmed my memory that he indeed liked me as much as I liked him and that my mind has not been embellishing the details as our minds tend to do as the distance between now and then grows. It reminded me why he holds a spot in my heart still, and that knowing how he is doing now could very well turn the sweet memories bitter and taint the good life I have imagined for him.

I put the letters back in order and back in the box against the end where I had found them, where they will stay until I get the urge in another 10 years to re-live one of the good times from my childhood / teenage years. I have decided I can never throw them out. I would regret it when next I had the NEED to see them and take that trip.

That was not, however, the end of my trip down memory lane...after I finished with the JJ letters, I went through a few of the notes from the HS notes shoe boxes...OMG R, I wanted you there with me SO bad! We REALLY need to have a day of reading through those babies. Most of them are from you, although there are some from Blondie, M, T, N, the whole crew...They are funny shit. There's alot of talk about work at the bar and moonlight bowling and the C town crew vs the H town crew. Most of them end with "WBS" and "Sorry So Messy", LMAO! It made me wonder if you kept any of the notes from me? And what did you do to your right hand during high school that you had to write with your left hand?!??

There were also some letters from some people I don't even remember, and will need to probe the memory of my brother and possibly others to place these people.

I definitely will need to take some more time to go through my little black box someday soon, but for now my thirst has been quenched, and my heart is full of the sweet memories of young love and HS friends.

The one that got away...

The morning show I listen to has a bit that is called "The one that got away" where they select a listener every week who has someone from their past that they would like to know about, and the station will track them down and ask them 10 questions of the inquirer's choosing...The person who initiates the contact isn't on the phone live with them; the DJ talks to them off line and records the answers to play back the next day to the person who wanted to ask them.


The first time I heard the bit, it got me thinking about someone from my past, someone who didn't really 'get away' but more like just faded away...I would love to know what he is doing with his life these days and if he is happy and has a family, etc etc. Not because I harbor secret desires for him, just because he will always hold a special place in my heart; he was my first love.

I met JJ at the lake when we were 13. Like my family, his had been going there multiple weekends each summer for years, only they stayed at a campground just down the lake shore with their motor home, and we stayed at the local city park which allowed overnight camping (but had no electric or running water). We had gotten to the age where we started running around the little town (seriously little, like a population of 100 people little) and met the local group of cigarette and pot smoking, mushroom popping, acid dropping juvenile delinquents with whom JJ and his sister were already running. Most of them were older than JJ and I by a couple of years, we were pretty much the young 'uns. I remember hanging out under a tree at the park the first day we met, smoking cigarettes and listening to the "Singles" soundtrack on some one's boom box and him playing footsie with me, LOL.

JJ and I connected for some reason, possibly simply because we were the two babies of the group. We lived about 85 miles apart, but after that first weekend, we started keeping in touch via the phone - OMG, that first phone bill, my parents almost killed me. Young love; expression of longing and lust over the phone, laying on my bed wishing we lived closer and cursing the unfairness of life and love. We also sent letters...he would spray his cologne on them before sending them and when I got them I would smell them for days. One letter contained a kindergarten photo of him. Another a small trinket that escapes me right now. I know I must have sent him miscellaneous pieces as insights into me, although I couldn't tell you what they were. I still have all of his letters with trinkets intact (along with multiple shoe boxes of notes my bf R and I passed in middle and high school!); I wonder if they hold any trace of his scent? I can still remember it, and on the few occasions that I have smelt some man wearing it in public I have been overwhelmed by feelings from the past. My black trunk containing these and many other reminders of the past has been beckoning me lately; I think an afternoon of reminiscing is in order.

(I just need to get rid of W for an afternoon...Although he knows all about JJ and knows -to an extent- what is in my black trunk, which ALSO includes diaries from the first 4 years of knowing and falling for HIM, it does not feel right to have him around when I am walking that road...)

I remember smoking pot for the first time with JJ, out of a pop can, hiding behind the bushes in the park across the little bridge from my families camp site. The next year I remember (vividly) us giving each other our virginity behind that same row of bushes. It was dark, awkward and painful, and I remember him being SO concerned about me. I stopped the act before any conclusions were reached, but that was okay with both of us. I honestly cannot say for sure whether or not we did it again after that; I think there may have been one more time when my parents indulged my incessant pleading and took us up to their place for an overnight...we stayed in our camper in their yard. JJ took me out 4-wheeling and there was some time spent making out in the woods. I remember I REALLY wanted to, but not sure if it did actually happen or not...

We kept in touch for a couple of years, writing and calling and expressing our longing between those weekend trips in the summer. Most of the summers we got to see each other about 3 times; ALWAYS Memorial Weekend and Labor Day Weekend and once in between. I remember the winters were hard, although we both seemed to get caught up with our lives at school so that it seemed the weeks between the summer encounters were almost harder to get through. After a couple of years, we both got more and more involved with our local lives, and it just kinda faded. In that time I met W, as well as had some weird pseudo relationships with a couple of other guys, and I am assuming the same happened for him.

I quit going up north with mom and dad as I was too involved in my life at home and my partying on weekends to take a break and go hang with mom and dad. The last I heard about JJ was when my brother ran into him at the lake when we were making one last trip to the camp site we had used for YEARS as they were closing it to overnight camping...I must have been 19 or 20; I believe W and I were living together already. I *just* missed JJ; he talked to my brother for a few minutes just before we got there, and then I didn't make the effort to search him out that weekend, which I have never forgiven myself for. I was worried that W (who had a bit of an issue with jealousy and insecurity in our relationship at that point) and or JJ's girlfriend would get mad or weirded out or think my intentions were anything other than they were, which was just to touch base with someone who had been an important part of my life at one point and whom will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. He was my first love! So I to this day beat myself up for not finding him and chatting that weekend. My brother found out that he had a fiance, and was still living in the same town and a few other minor details, and assured me he looked the same only a bit older.

So ever since this 'One that got away' bit started, I have thought it would be so great to be able to have JJ answer 10 questions for me; is he happy? Married still? Kids? Career? Away from the partying ways we both played with in our teen years? Maybe most importantly, does he remember things like I do, and does he hold a special place for me in his heart as I do him?

Here comes the part I am almost embarrassed to admit; when the teaser for this week's bit was talking about a man who wants to find a girl he dated in his teen years and whom he shared the loss of virginity with but lost track of I have to say my heart jumped and I thought "Wouldn't that be CRAZY if it was JJ?"...and I seriously couldn't wait for the damn commercial to get over with so I could hear the dude's name and see who he was looking for. Even though most of me knew it was not going to be JJ, and that the chances he listens to this station are probably remote based on what he listened to back then, I still have to admit that I had a glimmer of hope.

It wasn't him, of course.

I have thought about calling in and trying to get them to find him, but have decided it is tacky and could be a can of worms I wish I had never opened after the fact. Maybe he is doing horribly and is a loser and has completely forgotten our history, and if that is the case, I do NOT want to know. I would rather keep it in my head the way I imagine it; that he is happy and healthy and a great dad and has a good wife, and they have a good life, with struggles just like everyone but for the most part they are happy. That he remembers me fondly and holds a place for me always in his heart and wonders about my life and maybe, just maybe, he even still has one of my letters that he just can't bring himself to part with.

A wandering post about photography and reconnecting with the past...

I have been so busy lately, I haven't had much time to let my brain wander and think about things (which can be a good thing) but I feel my posts have gotten a little boring lately. So here is something a little more interesting :0)

I LOVE taking photos. I am the photo taker in our family, and amongst my friends. I can pretty much always be counted on to have my camera with and snap RIDICULOUS amounts of pictures to remember every ocassion by; from big important milestones to 'just hangin' out' moments.

There is something about looking through that viewfinder and freezing moments in time. Somehow it makes me feel like I have some control over this ever accelerating passage of time. I can capture people and places and feelings and file them away for safe keeping. As I move through life I see a landscape, or a bird, or an emotion and I want to see it through my viewfinder, frame it just so and record it forever as it is right then and there.

I would love to someday do it for a living...I only wish I would have realized this sooner. But I didn't; C'est la vie, I am where I am. All I can do is hope to make it happen by taking the long way around since I didn't take the direct route. So for now, it is a hobby that I someday hope to turn into something more.

A recent encounter with my friend Dana made my soul YEARN for more time to spend on my photography and made me, to be quite honest, a bit jealous of her :0) She is a couple of years younger than me, and is the sister of my BFF R (I really hate that expression, but it really does perfectly describe her, lol). I hadn't seen Dana in quite awhile, and we talked photography and caught up. I then also got turned on to her blogsite, which gave me an even deeper glimpse into her life as an adult, which is kinda weird, in a way...Ya know, up until recently in my mind she was just still little Dana...I grew up along side her, saw her quite often, but haven't seen her much since HS, and so she was just stuck there in time as little Dana. Now, she is unfolding into this REAL person, this ADULT person before my eyes. I have always liked her, but am finding that she and I seem to have more in common than I would have guessed. She has different interests than I might have thought she would...It feels good; to have a bit of a reconnection with someone whom I grew up with, especially at this time when I feel a bit short on and disconnected from female friends.

Dana and her SO are into mountain biking, competitively, and she is an amatuer photography nut, not unlike myself. She is "the photographer" for the men's circuit this year, from what I understand. She has been able to build herself a sweet little camera (which I am totally jealous of :0) ). Her and her SO travel around to all these wonderfully beautiful places, and she takes amazing photos on her travels. They have their group of riding buddies, with all kinds of experiences they have had together that give them a special camraderie. She is working toward making her passion, her photography, more than just a hobby.

It makes me miss the days before L when we had a group of friends with a camraderie like that...granted, our ties to each other were of a very different nature (something I may touch on at some point...not ready to blog on that part of my life yet) but it was there none the less. Makes me yearn for those days when we were financially able to pretty much do as we pleased (to an extent...we weren't rich, just didn't have the financial obligations that we have now such as mortgage, car payments, a child, etc), when I could have built myself a sweet little camera of my own (why didnt' I? Where did all that money go back then?) When were able to and could up and go somewhere on a whim. Makes me wish we WOULD HAVE done more traveling and exploring before we had L. I guess seeing her just made me yearn for that different time in my life again.

Seeing her and her work ALSO inspired me to MAKE more time to focus on this hobby. Which I have been. I try to not go anywhere without my camera now, because SO often I am going about my daily life and see things I want to capture, and the first step to being able to do that is actually having my camera with me. I have also been working with my camera and figuring out how to use all those options and manual settings I paid for :0) I am very much enjoying it. I have been wanting to share some photos that I have taken that I really love. So here they are.



This is actually an older photo, but it is one of my first 'babies', Hera. I actually have this photo published in a book of pet photos. It is the first really sweet photo I took with my camera. When you see it blown up it is so detailed; you can see cat hair on the blue blanket, lol...That's when I was like 'Whoa, this is a COOL camera!'








This one I took the other night, and I still need to crop it down a bit, I want to get those vehicles out of the frame. I love the feeling this shot gives me though. My little man running in his little toddler way.












This one is older too, and I didn't have the hang of focusing yet, it's a little fuzzy cuz the auto focus had trouble with the fur, but I am still proud of it. And it is my sweet little Simone.








This one needs a little editing with the coloring yet, but I like it.












Of course, these two have much more of an impact when they are printed out on a larger scale :0)














And, of course I think this is a great photo.















And that's it for now. This is probably the last post I will get to really put out there until after I get back from the cabin. I am still wondering how I am going to survive for 9 days without checking in on the blogs that I have gotten used to following!! UGH!! LOLOL... But you can BET I will be taking lots of photos at the cabin and 'making time for my hobby' :0)

Oh, and Thanks, Dana, for inspiring me. And I AM going to take you up on that offer to get together and play around taking photos...I am thinking this fall when the leaves are turning...I will get rid of L for a day and we can go somewhere fun and just take photos. I am very much looking forward to it!

"Daddy says I don't have to take that sh*t from no one!"

Here is the story behind probably my earliest memory...at least I *think* I remember it, but it may be one of those things that is more a 'memory' because the story has been told so many times :0) Either way, it's a cute story that I like...

So when I was little my dad started his auto repair business at home, and stayed home with my brother and I...I was always mature for my age, and dad would have me answer the phone for him while he was out in the garage working (this was before we had the extension in the garage). The story goes that a lot of times I had backwards numbers and letters, but when dad asked me what it was sposed to say, I could always tell him, and it was always right when he called the number! Most of the people who had dad do regular maintenance on their vehicles knew that I would answer the phone for dad when he was busy, and I would take a message, and that the message ALWAYS got to my dad, and so no one had a problem leaving a message with me.

One day, when I was 4 or 5 (my brother would have been in school all day at this point), he had to go up the back road for something (or something like that; I guess that part of the 'memory' is foggy), and told me to stay in the house, and if someone calls, to tell them he couldn't come to the phone right now and take a message.

When dad returns to the house, he finds me curled up in a ball, red eyed, wet cheeked and still sobbing...He asked me what was wrong, and I went on to tell him that "A mean man called and asked for my Dad and when I told him he couldn't come to the phone right now but could I take a message he yelled at me and told me if I don't put my daddy on the phone RIGHT NOW he was going to come over to my house and spank me".

Now, I don't remember my dad's reaction, but I know exactly what he looks like when he is really mad, and I am sure that I know EXACTLY what he looked like that day! He had this look he used to get in his eye, and that look was only ever directed at me once, when I was 18, and I made it very clear to him that he had better never aim that look at me ever again...I knew all to well what came after he got that look in his eye, but that is another post I am not ready to compose yet...

I do know that my dad didn't know for sure who it was, but I do know that he found out later and let the dude have it...I would not have wanted to be on the receiving end of THAT.

So when my mom got home that day, I told her right away about the mean man who called and told me to put my daddy on the phone or he was going to spank me, and I went on to tell her, with hands on hips of course, that "Daddy says I don't have to take that SHIT from no one!!"

It's still one of my favorite, and one of my few, good memories.