41weeks + 2 days...It's time...

In a little over 2 hours, we will be checking in to the birthing center so my doctor can break my water and get this show on the road, although I cannot believe I have not started full blown labor on my own yet.

As of Friday morning, I was dilated to 5cm, 80% effaced and baby was at like +2 station...All signs point to go, but this baby just doesn't want to come out!! So we will be going in, and my doctor thinks that just breaking my water should be enough to put me into labor well enough. So hopefully no pitocin even, which would be great.

My massage therapist friend L is going to be there with W and I for labor, to help me try to do this without an epidural. I am hoping since I am halfway there already that this will be a quick labor, and all will go well.

I am SO EXCITED!!! AHHH!!!! I cannot believe that within mere hours we will FINALLY get to meet this baby!! I am nervous as well, but I know we can do this.

I just SO HOPE this baby is healthy. Please oh please oh please let the baby be healthy...

And what I really want to do right now, at 4:42 am is go upstairs and hold my baby L, who is not a baby anymore, but told me today that 'he is little...he is baby L' and in my heart that is so true and wasn't it just yesterday that I was giving birth to HIM? And I am feeling melancholy cuz now it's all going to change, and he will no longer be my only baby, and he will have to move over and share my heart...and although it is such SUCH a joyous thing, it is also a bit of a sad thing too. And I want to just go hold him for a bit and smell him and remember him just like this, before he becomes 'the big brother'. Lately, like the last couple of weeks, he has felt like he has aged quite a bit. And I have a feeling that is going to expound once this baby is born. My baby L.

So, I will be back home in a few days with photos and stories...Wish me luck!

40 weeks +3 days...

And we are still waiting. My lack of posting is not because I am in the hospital with this baby in my arms unfortunately, but because the baby still doesn't want to come out yet. I have tried the tricks, I have tried talking to her/(him), I have tried bribery, I have tried pre-grounding her/(him), but alas, no luck.

And so, we continue to wait. I just hope it happens soon. Have I said lately that I am just SO DONE?!?

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Waiting.

We are still waiting.

No baby yet.

This one is going to be stubborn I think.

I really thought she(he) would be a Cancer. But she shall be a Leo - and that is okay. Leo's are said to be charismatic and positive-thinking, and to be natural born leaders. They are also said to be born fortunate and attract many friends and opportunities. Sounds good to me. Besides, I don't know if I could handle another moody, broody, emotional Cancer in my house - her father is the perfect example of a true Cancer ;0). Leo sounds like the perfect combination of my positive Capricorn traits and the positive aspects of her father's Cancerian traits.

The first thing I really want for her (okay okay, or him) is to be healthy. Please oh please oh please let her be healthy.

When I got home from work yesterday, L said "The baby didn't come out yet?" LOL, even L is ready for me to be done...mostly cuz I have told him that Mama won't be able to make the walk to the duck pond until after the baby comes out. We have been driving there, but both miss getting there by walking.

Last night, I told L to tell the baby to "Come out, we are ready to meet you" and he ran over and put his hands on each side of my belly and planted his lips against it and said "COME OUT BABY!!! WE READY TO MEET YOU! WE WANT TA HOLD YOU!!"

Oh my sweet little man, my love my joy you make my heart smile so and I swear it will burst from the overwhelming love it holds for you. I can't believe we are soon to have another one to bring that much more joy to our lives...I cannot wait to see you interact with your lil brother or sister - you are going to be a great big brother...

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

________________________________________________________________


Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

_____________________________________________________________

I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

________________________________________________________________

We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

_________________________________________________________

I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Some healing energy for my niece, and an update...

My newest little niece, MJ, needs a little healing energy sent her way.

On Saturday they transferred her to the local Children's Hospital because her breathing was rapid and something just wasn't quite right.

Turns out she has an air pocket in one of her lungs (don't remember what it is called) that prohibits it from inflating all of the way, so her respiration is quickening to try and make up for the not-quite-functioning-properly lung. They did a bunch of tests, and for the most part things are fine, and they believe she will be just fine, but they are treating her for pneumonia with antibiotics, which should cure the problem, but also means she has to stay in the hospital until Friday of this week. My brother and his wife are not able to stay there, and it is about 40 minutes from their house, and I can just imagine how hard it is on my sister in law to have to be seperated from her 4 day old baby. On one hand, SHE does need to get her rest; she had major surgery last Friday, and yet, I know I would be feeling the same way - I am FINE, don't worry about ME, just let me be with my baby.

So anyway, any spare energy / prayers / whatever you do or call it for them would be great.

My ultrasound. It went well. Me and the ultrasound tech are buddies, being as I saw him about 15 times with my last pregnancy, and have seen him 3 times now with this one, and he usually tells me a little bit more than he is sposed to, I think. So he told me that my amniotic fluid levels are fine (which was the first concern), and that baby looks good; good, and BIG. I was 33weeks on Friday when I had the ultrasound, and baby is measuring 36 weeks. WHOA. The measurements he took give the baby an estimated weight of 5lbs 15ozs, give or take 14 ozs. So, this baby could be anywhere between 5lbs and 7lbs ALREADY. 97th percentile. He said the baby should come in under 30 lbs...LOL. I still 'technically' have 7 weeks to go, which gives the baby lots of time to grow...which is kinda scary!

So anyway, baby is healthy. I haven't heard from my doctor yet, but I am pretty sure she is not in on Mondays, so I probably won't hear from her until tomorrow. I am trying not to worry, but to be honest, I am a little nervous that this baby will be huge. I am just hoping that maybe I gestate faster than 'normal' and that this baby is ready and decides to come early like L did. And above all, I just need to trust in my body's ability to deliver this baby, no matter what size he/she ends up being.

This and that

I had a checkup last night, and all is going well with the pregnancy; blood pressure is good, I gained 6 pounds (not awesome, but not horrible - that makes 32# to date. I am aiming for less than 40). My fundal height is measuring 2-3 weeks ahead, so my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound to make sure that this is not because of too much amniotic fluid, and to check on the baby's size. Iam not really concerned that there is anything wrong, and am fine with doing the ultrasound just to make sure, but I DO know that I don't believe that estimating the baby's weight or gestational age via ultrasound is very accurate at this stage, so I am a bit concerned that they will think this baby is going to be large and that could potentially influence my doctor's opinions from here on out. But, I trust her, and I trust that she will be receptive to my desires no matter what the US shows. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and I must say I *am* a bit excited to see the little one moving around in there again :0) I am enjoying the 'non event fullness' of this pregnancy compared to with L, but it IS fun to see the baby at this stage as they are all formed in there and look basically just like they do when they arrive!

_______________________________________________________________

Last night we got L to bed, and W decided to go play one more round of Frisbee golf with his friends, so I sat down at the computer. W couldn't have been gone for 2 minutes when I thought I heard a knock on the front door. I looked out the little window in the front door from where I was sitting, but didn't see anything, so just went back to the puter...Then I thought I heard a knock on the side door, and figured W had forgotten something (and he always locks the door when he leaves us home in the evenings) so I went to go let him back in. I saw a woman and a man standing on our sidewalk outside the side door and totally groaned, thinking "Great, the damn Jehovah's Witnesses are here...not in the mood for that!" and opened the door feeling very irritated, only to have the man ask if our last name was -----, and that he thinks my husband lost his wallet, which he handed over to me! Indeed, it was my husbands wallet! They had found it down at the park where the Frisbee golf course is, where he had been earlier in the day. I must say I felt a bit bad for being irritated with them for interrupting my Me Time...Thank goodness THEY found it and not someone else who was not so honest. There was no cash in there to be had, but there was a bank card, credit card, driver's license, etc...Would not have been good.

I was telling the story to my co-workers, one of which is a Jehovah's Witness, and after hearing the part about being irritated when I thought it was the JW's and the rest of the story, my JW co-worker said "They probably WERE JW's, as that is EXACTLY what they would do if they found some one's wallet"...which is probably true, but irritated me to no end in the sense that he was acting like JW's had the trademark on being honest people. Whatever. No offense to the JW's, I just can't handle people that go door to door and, unsolicited, try to feed their beliefs to everyone. (Ms.Moon - if you read this, I thought it was funny that you were talking about the same thing that I was thinking about today, and was planning to share my little story...Although your post was all deep and mine was just a regurgitation of what happened last night!)

_________________________________________________________________


There's this older gentleman in my town (a town with a population of about 4300 people) who walks every morning. And most every morning, L and I pass him on our way to L's daycare. And everyday, this gentleman raises his hand and waves hello to EVERY CAR that passes him...whether they come from in front of or behind him. And I just find it heartwarming, and funny, and I actually look forward to it, and I actually raise my hand in return now. I don't know, it is just NICE, ya know?

32 down, about 8 to go...

Sometimes, when I stand up, it feels like this baby is going to fall out of me right here-and-now. (M-O-O-N, that spells baby**) Friday was 32 weeks down, about 8 to go, so the baby falling out of me right now would not be a good thing. 8 weeks early would not be so good.

I am sure it is normal, but I don't remember this feeling with L. At least not this early. I remember the last 3 weeks with L felt like this (and since I went 2 weeks early, I guess that would have been weeks 35-38), but I was dilated to between a 2-3 at that time as well as ripening. So feeling this way at 32+ weeks kinda freaks me out.

Not to mention the aching hips and pressure in my pelvic and va-jay-jay regions. When I stand up, I feel sore. VERY sore. THIS I do remember as happening this early with L; in fact with both pregnancies I have had this problem for quite a while at this point.

I guess there was an upside to being on bed rest last time. I was able to lay around and take my daily nap (or napS if I wanted) so the 3rd trimester exhaustion was not so noticeable. I have taken to drinking a caffeinated drink in the afternoons in order to make it through my work day. It's either caffeine or a nap, and the nap isn't happening most days, so it's gotta be the caffeine.

My goal right now is to make it through July 17th at work, and then hopefully my doctor will write me off of work for the remainder of the pregnancy. My work is 1-1/2 hours away from my Birthing Center, so I do not want to be at work when I go into labor. And I figure if I am this tired already, I can only imagine how I am going to feel in another 6 weeks. And due to vacations and such at work, it would be good if I could make it that long. However, we will see what the baby and my body have in mind, and if I need to be out of work earlier, so be it, they will just have to deal with it.

I have been trying to keep walking on a regular basis, my approximate 2 mile route with L to the duck pond, but have been doing it less and less. With the whole baby-falling-out-of-me feeling, those 2 miles feel longer and longer.

I had a moment of panic last night, and W had to tell me to breathe...It was that panic that starts to set in, the feeling that there is NOT MUCH TIME LEFT until this baby arrives, and OMG I need to get all the gear out (honestly, we don't have much 'gear'; a travel size swing, a bouncy chair and the carseat, really), go through the clothes and pull out a few things so the poor kid has at least a onsie to wear, pack a bag for my stay at the Birthing Center, Oh and CLEAN! I need to CLEAN things...I don't know what, just THINGS, ya know? W says "Jeez E, that's 7-1/2 weeks away yet! Calm down!" And I'm all "Yeah, ONLY 7-1/2 weeks! And what if the baby comes a couple of weeks early?! Then it's ONLY like 5 weeks!! That's only a MONTH!"

And O-M-G, am I ready for this? Am I ready to handle a 2-1/2 year old displaced mama's boy and an infant and a household and dinner and cleaning and work all on top of being sleep deprived? And please oh please oh please don't let this baby be a crier like my niece was or like the 7 week old I saw this weekend whose mom looked like she had just been put through a ringer and hadn't slept a wink in the last 7 weeks...(She has a toddler too; a toddler, who like L was SO EASY and laid back as an infant, which left her COMPLETELY unprepared for this second baby who was very VERY far from easy and laid back).

And not to mention, how am I possibly going to love this baby as much as I love L? I am still struggling with this, although everyone tells me that you just do. That somehow your heart grows again, and you love them just the same. Or if not just the same, at least with the same intensity. I never knew love like I have come to with L, and it seems impossible that I could love another the same. How can it ever be as special as the first? How damn sad is THAT for this poor baby? The fact that I cannot imagine myself loving her/him as much as I love L? I just know that all my wise mama friends MUST be right, and somehow, I just will...

It's all coming so fast now. And, as seems to be the rule, it cannot come fast enough on one hand, but is scaring the hell out of me on the other. I am REALLY trying to remember that I am a VESSEL, and to enjoy and savor these last days of sleep (even the decreased amount I am getting now is going to be A LOT more than I will be getting shortly), and to focus on the amazing miracle that is occurring inside of me, but I will say it is hard.

OH OH! And I forgot to add that W will *HOPEFULLLY* be starting on a job with one of his old employers this week that will last at least 3 months! YAY!! So please cross your fingers. That would be great. Not only would it be more money than unemployement, it would help extend his available unemployement by that amount of time, which would make it last through next winter and hopefully through the worst of the downturn, and not to mention the man just NEEDS TO WORK!!! He needs to get away from the house and be active. Although he has been doing things around the house, it's just not enough.

(**Let's see if anyone gets the book reference here...I couldn't resist...)

1/2 a pound and a swimming head

I had my monthly check up yesterday, and I actually put my hands in the air and cheered "WHOOO HOOO" when I stood on the scale and it told me I had gained 1/2 a pound!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Now, i am not COMPLETELY weight obsessed, especially because I KNOW that to some extent our bodies are going to do what they are going to do when pregnant, and I know I eat a PRETTY well rounded diet, and I am still walking about 2 miles 4 or 5 times a week, but SERIOUSLY, after 8# 2 months ago and then 13# lsst month, I really needed this small weight gain this month. For my own emotional stability. That puts my total at 25# with 11 weeks or so to go, which is okay. It may not sound like a lot, but when you start out on the not so tiny side to begin with, it is plenty. My goal this time is to keep it under 40#, which would STILL put me at almost the same ending weight as last time, which is no little number, but overall, I am okay with how it is going...

Also good yesterday was that my blood pressure is still looking lovely, so no bedrest yet! YAY!

I also had my baby Soul Portrait session yesterday, and it was very cool, but honestly has left my head swimming. There is one part in particular that we talked about, that leaves me....confused? Scared? Questioning my personal strength and my strength to make hard choices when it comes to the best interest of my children. Because, as parents, isn't that our goal? To do the best we can by them? It has to do with letting go of the notion that MY families life (my family in this instance meaning W, I and our children) need not be completely based on the traditions of what I grew up with...of really questioning WHY I feel so tied to this geographical location, and if it is simply because it is 'what I know' and whether or not it is going to be the MOST beneficial and most NURTURING place for my family. I have often wondered why we stay here...I remember thinking one time "We are adults, we could go live ANYWHERE we want...we could write a completely different life for ourselves, why don't we?" W has often talked about moving away...Alaska and Colorado being two areas he has talked about on numerous occassions...but I am a true Capricorn, and change and the unknown are REALLY HARD for me. But it came up yesterday that we may, in the future, find ourselves needing to think about those things again. And she asked me if I was ready to make decisions like that if they were for the best for my children. I sure hope I am. And she said that this baby is going to push us to be more than we think we are... And she specifically mentioned a place that W has mentioned in the past, which was one of those freaky things...

And there is so much more, but I guess I am not going to get into it right now...

I don't know...it was weird and great and amazing all at the same time. And it has left me feeling a little ungrounded today. I didn't have a chance to take a photo of the Soul Portrait, but I will, I promise, and it is beautiful.

W's assignment for today is to borrow the neighbors tiller and get a plot tilled for our garden and get the compost tilled into the earth so I can sow some seeds this weekend. I am up north, so not really *behind* schedule on planting, but I definitely need to get a move on. So I am REALLY hoping he gets that done for me today...If I wasn't so pregnant, I would TOTALLY just do it myself and not wait on him, but I am thinking I should just leave manhandling the tiller to the man this time, LOL...My dad and I had a garden for quite a few years when I was a kid, but it has been a LOOOOOOONG time, and so we are going to go slow, and just do a small-ish garden this year, and go from there. I am going to do tomatoes, peppers (I want to do salsa this fall if I get enough of a yield!), pickling cucumbers (for pickles, obviously), some melons cuz L and I LOOOOOVE melon, Peas in a pod, carrots, and onions maybe. I would like to do so much more, but I think that will be good for this year and gettting a hang of the farming thing again :0) I also am going to get some herbs going in pots that I can bring inside this fall and hopefully continue to have fresh herbs growing inside over the winter.

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.

On my mind

Just a couple of things that are / have been on my mind.

-My recent reminiscing of my early days with W got me wanting to go through my old photos. I have been meaning to weed out the duplicates and then someday put them in the empty albums I asked for and received a couple of Christmases ago. On Saturday, I sat on the living room floor and pulled out the big box of photos and started going through them. W sat down next to me while L played with his cars near us. It was GREAT. We reminisced together over memories of days gone by - the good and the bad. And even better than the together-remembering was the deep conversation that followed. We talked about our childhoods and how they affected us similarly and differently (not that we haven't done this before, but it is the first real deep conversation since we became parents, which changes and clarifies your perspective so greatly...) We talked about how I have been going through some really intense reflecting lately, and how I am having issues with my feelings toward my parents right now. We talked about raising L and this coming baby, and how and why we want and NEED and WILL do things differently. It was some intense reconnecting that we REALLY REALLY needed. It was lovely.

-Not too long ago W and I had a conversation about homosexuality. I can't remember what spurred it, and I don't remember the conversation in detail, but the part that makes me sad is that we came to a point where I started getting angry at him for his opinion, and we had to agree to disagree...he truly believes that homosexuality is a CHOICE, that it is a 'learned behavior' and I do not. As far as gay marriage goes, I don't think he could care less either way, but he was surprised and disappointed that I totally believe that TRUE homosexuality is not a choice. It makes me sad that we disagree on that at such a fundamental level.

-W's mom asked us to go out to eat with them on Saturday at a place called Treasure Island. On Saturday morning, as I was getting L dressed, I told him that we were going to meet G-ma and R at Treasure Island and have lunch, and did that sound like fun? His eyes got all wide, he started nodding his head yes, and he said "We gon be PIRATES! We need a boat, too Mama!!!" at first, I was wondering what the heck he was talking about when it dawned on me that Dora the Explorer (L's favorite cartoon character) and her friends dress up as pirates and go sailing off to Treasure Island to look for buried treasure!! I laughed so hard! We had a blast on the way there pretending that the car was a boat, and that the river we crossed was Crocodile Lake; another obstacle that Dora and her friends must cross before they can get to Treasure Island. He woke this morning immediately talking about G-ma and R and pirates and treasure...Ahhh, he's growing up too fast.

-I have almost 15 weeks to go yet in this pregnancy, and it feels like a LONG time, and I am SO SORE. All the time. My hips and back and pelvic region seem to be feeling it much worse this time. Probably doesn't help that I am at the weight already at 25 weeks that I was at at 31 weeks last time. It's a lot of extra weight for my body to carry around...Yeah; I gained THIRTEEN, yes that's 13 pounds in the last 5 weeks (Go ahead and laugh, Kori, it's okay, my doctor did!)...I am not even sure how that is humanly possible, but obviously, for this human, it is. I thought I was doing kind of okay, I figured I would have another 8# month like last month, but it was even worse. I have promised myself and my doctor to buckle down a bit and hopefully slow the weight gain. So yeah, it feels like a LONG time to go. I know it will go by fast, but I am gonna be one crabby mama bear by the time this baby pops out! I am just going to keep walking as much as I can, at least 4 times a week, and keep stretching and hopefully I won't get too much more sore than I am now.

-Here's some more true as hell pregnancy information that, were you never pregnant yourself, you would probably never know. Having a little person kicking you LITERALLY in the anus from the inside is the WEIRDEST.FEELING.EVER. Or maybe she is kicking something like my intestine that's connected to my anus, but my anus is where I 'feel' it. Either way, it is not really all that pleasant. Sorry, but it's been happening, and it's on my mind.

What our love looks like...

The manifestation of our love...



He makes my heart swell so I can hardly breathe, and my eyes fill with tears.

All the pregnancy stuff is SO SO worth it.

Names, a belly pic, and the untamed jungle (warning - read the last part at your own risk)

Everything going around my brain lately seems so heavy. And difficult. And depressing. And serious. I thought maybe I would go for something a little less all of those today.

Although the task of naming a baby is actually VERY serious. Most of my 5 readers (lol, or so) have had the task of doing this, and so they know. It is serious business, and is NOT EASY, if you ask me.

The whole 'do you have names picked yet?' has been coming up more lately. As it always does. And it really NEEDS to come up; between us, at least.

With L, we went into the delivery room with about 4 names for a girl that we both really liked, but we didn't have as much luck with agreeing on boy names. Since I TOTALLY thought L was going to be a girl, I wasn't so worried about it.

Lo and behold, L was NOT a girl, and he didn't have a name for about 5 hours, at which point I told my dear W that I was sick of calling the baby 'Baby' and that we better figure out what we were going to name him. He had really gotten to like 'L' about halfway through the pregnancy, but I was not so convinced. But when we decided it was between that and one of the names that *I* liked the best, I could not deny that W's choice fit our son much better than mine. And so I let my husband have the final say on his first son's name. The nice wifey that I am, I even let him give him 2 middle names, to honor his father and his uncle, even though I am not big on the whole 2 middle names thing.

This time, we are once again having really no problems with girl names. In fact, right now, we have TOO MANY that I like!! I will undoubtedly get more of the final say should this be our girl, and W and I have already agreed that the baby's middle name can be Lynn, after my good friend Lynda who was killed by a drunk driver 10 years ago at the beautiful age of 21.

So far, we have Amelia Lynn and Nora(h) Lynn in the top slots for girls, both of which W came up with. After that, we also like Cecelia Lynn and Ada(h) Lynn (or possibly spelled Ayda Lynn, which was at the top of our list should L have been a girl). Since I really like the name Maleah (which W has already put the kabosh to), I like the Amelia and Cecelia choices as I could call her Lia for short.

Since I really think this is going to be our girl, we will hopefully be okay, but I really feel for this baby should he come out a he...I have poured and poured over the endless lists of boys names on line, and the only ones that sound good to me at all are mostly names that W nixed last time...Caleb, Elliott, Elijah. I also threw Connor out there a few weeks ago, but was given the 'Are you fucking kidding me?' look by W, so I pretty much know his feelings on that one. I still like Isaac, which was my choice last time, and we both liked it then, so it is about the only one we have come to agree on. I have more recently thought that both Liam and Ro(h)an are okay, but have yet to run either of them by W. I am pretty sure he won't like Liam, but maybe I will be wrong.

**SIGH**

What do you think, my dear readers? What names do YOU like??

Good thing we have a few months left. I'm just hoping my intuition is right this time and we won't even have to try to figure the whole boy name thing out ;0)


____________________________________________________________

Okay, so although I feel like an Oompa Loompa (already), Kori tells me I look cute (or some other equally sweet word), so I decided to give you a peek of my pregnant self.

This was taken a couple of weeks ago already...I think I was like 22 weeks or something...The belly feels and appears larger from MY perspective than it does in the photo. And yes, I am aware that it is going to get MUCH LARGER before this is all over :0)



Hmmm....I need a haircut, no??? My layers are JACKED from going to Great Clips, and my lovely friend who cuts hair (at a fancy pants upscale salon, even) has offered to fix them up for me. I really need to call her and get that taken care of...Thinkin' I'm really going to try for this weekend - that hair is BAD!

_________________________________________________________________

(Okay, so here's your fair warning to just stop now...don't say I didn't warn you...I tend not to blog about stuff like this, but I'm trying to keep it real in regard to the joys of pregnancy for my 'as-of-yet-not-and-may-never-be-in-the-parental-way' reader, and because it's on my mind, AND it's my blog :0) )

Speaking of bad hair, I realized the other day, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while climbing out of the shower (something I really try to avoid doing these days!!) that I forgot to take care of some crucial grooming one last time before the belly got to the point that I can no longer see the area of said needed grooming...It is beginning to resemble the untamed jungle down there, and it seems to be migrating quickly above the bikini line...Because I CAN'T really see past the belly well enough to take care of it myself without risking damage to my delicate girl parts, I thought maybe my dear W would be willing to lend me a helping hand...HA! Damn men. He looked like a deer in headlights when I mentioned it last night. Even when I told him I would do it for him, he wasn't convinced...

I guess I can't blame him too much...I am sure he is having flashbacks of our son ripping his way out from 'down there' as he burst into our world, and the flood that followed. It still seems to haunt him...poor wussy...*I* have gotten over it, and *I* was the one being torn wide open...

Guess he will just have to live with the consequences of not being willing to help a girl out with a little maintenance...

Just life

I have to say again that W is so much more enjoyable when he is not BEYOND exhausted in the evenings from working all day. He has the energy to play with L so much more, and he is so much more the funny, carefree, happy man I fell in love with.

Last night we BOTH went for a walk with L so he could take a trike ride to g-mas house. Even though W really probably shouldn't have walked that far on his ankle (I don't think I have even mentioned THAT yet...I will) and he was even running, which he really shouldn't have done, it was SO NICE to do that as a family. Usually it is L and I. Which I don't mind, really, I love my walks and our time together is great after being apart all day, but it is nice to have daddy along too.

So, the ankle. W called me a few weeks ago at work about 8:30am and informed me that he fell off a ladder and that I should probably come home and take him to the ER. He fell from about 12' but thankfully was not hurt too seriously. He sprained his foot and ankle in multiple places, and got stitches under his chin, and fractured a rib (or two...he didn't tell the doctor about that or me either, until after the fact, so there were no x-rays of his ribs. He knew from previous experience that there isn't much they can do for a fractured rib, although I was still angry at him for not telling the doctor OR ME about that part). So, yeah, it could have been SO MUCH WORSE and we are SO thankful that it wasn't. I work with a guy who fell from 7' and SHATTERED both of his wrists a few years ago. And I guess since we will be having the baby this year causing us to have to pay our full insurance deductable ANYWAY, AND seeing that he is laid off anyway, I guess if it was going to happen, it couldn't have happened at a better time. (See? Right there, so much to be thankful for.)

So due to that, he has been pretty sore and healing the last few weeks, and the last time he went for a walk with us he really over did it on his foot. But I am glad that he came last night, and he seems to be no worse for it today, which means he is healing.

Other than that, not much going on. Pregnancy is good. This baby is CRAZYYYY! Super active, which is good. Although I am hoping this one has a personality similar to L's (and W's) laid back personality, I am beginning to think we ARE going to get our crazy Devil's spawn child this time.

I am reading a book called The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, and it ROCKS. Just what I was craving right now; a heavy, emotional, deep story with characters and a story line that really pulls me in and lets me escape in someone else's strife (a fictional someone else...I wouldn't want to escape into a real person's strife...although it is a factually based fictional story, but really, I guess, there is not much fictional strife that has not or is not happening to a living person...). A story that helps remind me of the important things in life, and that others have made it through much worse than what I am facing. The two books I tried prior to this one just weren't doing it for me, and I returned them to the library unfinished...which I HATE to do, but maybe I will try them again some other time and be able to finish. They were The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (Marissa - I picked that one up cuz of you...I really wanted to finish it, but alas it was just taking me too long to get through) and The Lord of The Flies.

The only problem is that I am staying up way too late reading!! That combined with the fact that after a few hours either on the couch or in the bed my back is achy and I toss and turn for the rest of the night, not getting very good sleep, is making me one tired mama. **SIGH** I know I might as well get used to it again, as it will be the story of my life for at least the next year. Although it is well well WELL worth it, it is one of my least favorite things...I do love me some sleep!! When I am done with this book (which will probably be this weekend) I have Life of Pi waiting for me. Hoping that one grabs me too.

Oh, I also discovered the awesome fact that you can borrow DVD's from the library. For FREE. And keep them for TWO WEEKS. Yeah - it's FREE! LOL...We were going to rent Madagascar for L last weekend, and I happened to be stopping at the library to pick up books and my co-worker asked me to return some items for her, and one was a DVD...DUH, I thought, maybe the library has Madagascar? And they DID! And I didn't have to pay $3 (plus late fees) and L got to watch it over and over again for days. I took it back and found another one that he is loving - They Might Be Giants "Here Come the One, Two, Threes". The only downfall is the selection gets pretty picked over, but I have some reserved and can find good enough stuff in the meantime.

So yeah, that's life right now. Just floating on. I am still not watching much in the way of news so as to help keep the anxiety at bay. And it's working, which I am thankful for. In this time of so much struggle, I am finding SO MUCH that I have to be thankful for. And that ROCKS.

Why must they? Part 2 (I think)...or because it's my blog and I can...

I am going to be shallow and rude for a moment, but I need to go off for a minute, and besides, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I really try to not take advantage of the "Mommy to be / Families with small children" parking spaces unless I really have to, or until I get to the end of my pregnancy and really appreciate not having to walk a mile into the store. I DO use them more often if I have L with me than if I am alone.

Yesterday was just one of those days though...I had walked around a LOT at a very large campus of one of our clients, in REALLY bad shoes (I need new work dress shoes badly, but it just can't be a priority right now), and I just wanted to get in, get my bra and get out. (The bra, BTW, was another thing in dire need of replacement...and while the shoes can be tolerated and be made to suffice for a little while longer, my girls were letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the bra could not!)

...

....

......


Okay, I had the rest of the story typed out (which was just a big long rant), but when I got finished and re-read it, I just could not publish it. Written out, it came off as even more rude and shallow than I believe I am, and it's more raging pregnancy hormones than anything, and after the last post that got you all thinking I am a whack job, I couldn't let you think that I am a super rude, super shallow whack job...

Let's just say that I got EXTREMELY irritated by not one, but TWO, lazy, selfish asshole people who pulled into the 'Mommy to be / families with small children' spots that I was was pulling up to...Neither of them pregnant, nor with small children in tow. One was just a lazy lone lady who appeared perfectly capable of walking from a normal spot, and the other one was fat and with a bouncy 10 year old in tow...hardly qualifying as a 'small child'.

Oh, and I *may* have made an under my breath remark, which maybe wasn't so under my breath, and possibly was heard by someone, and I may have felt kinda bad...but not totally bad, because it *was* true...

(Okay, so you still got a glimpse of my rudeness in the short version, but hey, like I said, it IS my blog...if I can't do it here, where do I dump these feelings???)

And no, it did not kill me to walk a little further, but c'mon people, SERIOUSLY?

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Movement...

She is moving...I just ate a ham sandwich with spicy habanero mustard and she must have liked it cuz I was working away and she started kicking and rolling and then I was crying and remembering that THIS is what's important in life...Her, rolling and kicking, and me, taking the time to pay attention to her and burn these memories into my mind and file them away.

No matter the bills, or W being unemployed, or the scary economy or the bony fingers of the anxiety trying to wrap themselves around my throat or all of the above, THIS baby, and L, and W, and our love, THAT is what REALLY matters. THAT is what will pull us through the scary times ahead still intact.

I have been feeling her (who, if I may remind you, may not even be a her, but she will be until or if she comes out a he) move a little bit every day now for about 2 weeks. It is so reassuring and fun and just CRAZY; to have a HUMAN BEING rolling around and kicking you from the inside. Absolutely one of the wildest, most amazing things ever. I love it. And it is a bit sad to think this may be the last time I feel this miracle ever. But for now, it's good.

Lunch

This is what I have been craving and eating for lunch lately...

YUMMMMM!!

(And yes, I made that myself :0) )

15.5 weeks *Warning, potentially boring pregnancy update*

Okay, so I am definitely feeling better and definitely starting to feel quite glow-y, which rocks!

At least in between the anxiety. But I am keeping that at bay for the most part, and if it gets too bad, I promise I will talk to my doctor about it. I know it is being partly brought on (or made worse) by the pregnancy, and the rational part of my brain knows that lying awake at night going over and over and over things and getting more and more anxious will not change what is going to happen.

Enough of that though, I did not come here to blog about that. I am trying to not think about THAT. On a mostly unrelated topic, I have a weird, probably insightful, may make you think I am a nut job kind of post brewing, that I hope to share with you sometime soon, but the timing will have to be right, and it just hasn't been yet.

I DID come here to blog about 15.5 weeks, though. 15.5 down, 24.5 give or take a couple to go. As I said, I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, and I am so thankful for that. I finally broke out the maternity pants over the weekend, I was still able to wear my regular pants with a hair binder through the button hole, but it was getting pretty uncomfortable so I had to give in. I am enjoying it, though, as I am getting enough of a belly that most anyone can tell I am pregnant (and SERIOUSLY, if you think this is a gunt when you see me, get real, I have never, and will never have a gunt!), but the rest of me hasn't gotten any bigger (well, my boobs have), so I actually feel like a *cute* pregnant lady...you know those ones whose bodies stay exactly the same, only they have this cute little basketball in the front. I am going to enjoy it while I can, as I am sure that by then end, I will be looking like a line backer or mack truck again...

I have a check up tonight. At this point they are pretty boring; weight check (actually kinda looking forward to this, as of last week I was down a pound, which means I hadn't gained ANYTHING yet!) blood pressure check, listen to babies hearbeat, and I'm outta there. I am going to take L with me though this time...I think it will be fun for him to hear the heartbeat; maybe, just maybe if we listen to his heartbeat, and my heartbeat, and then the babies heartbeat, it will help him understand that there REALLY IS something in there.

I am REALLY getting anxious now to feel the baby move...I have felt something here and there that *could* be her (or him, but just know now that from here on out, even though we will not know until birth for sure, I will be referring to the baby as her, for ease of blogging, and cuz I do hope this one is a her!), but it could also be gas, or just weird muscles I never knew I had growing or moving. Really anytime now I could start feeling her. That is going to make it so much more real, and that is when the bond will really start forming.



My baby is now about 4" long, and the size of a softball. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists, make a fist, and suck her thumb. She is moving around in there, even though I don't feel her yet. She is really starting to look human!

In another 4 weeks I will get to have my ultrasound, and even though we won't find out the sex, it is still fun to see your baby in there, looking all human, doing tricks, and to see that all organs are as they should be and to hear that all is well so far.