Nightmare

I awoke in the dark to him crying out, SOBBING, a sound that immediately cut through my heart, my soul, and I jumped up off the couch and I ran up the stairs, faster than I thought I could move at this point, and I took an extra step up at the landing and stumbled, but didn't fall and kept running up the rest of the steps because it was one of THOSE cries; an OMG I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NO JOKE sobbing, and did he fall out of bed? It's only 12" to the floor, and how could he get hurt falling out of there, but JEEZ, something is really wrong and OH MY poor poor baby Mama is coming.

When I got into his room I could see by the light of his radio that he was still in bed and his eyes were squeezed shut and he was SOBBING, and his face was streaked with tears and is he awake or is he sobbing in his sleep? And if I wake him will he know it's me or will it freak him out more? And I say "Shhhh Baby, L, it's okay, Mama's here, Shhhh Baby, what's wrong? Mama's here..." and I touch him on the cheek and he opens his eyes and he says as he is reaching for me "It BIT me, down der, it BIT me on da put" and one of his legs IS hanging off the bed, but what the hell would have BIT him? and I scoop him up and he wraps himself around me and hangs on for dear life and I say "Shhhh, mama is here, it's okay now Shhhh" and we rock in the chair and my shoulder is wet instantly with his tears and he nuzzles as tight into me as he can and he says again "It bit me" but there is no blood, and I just hold him tightly and once again we are tangled together as one and his fear is my fear and my hurt to help bear until finally he calms and his breathing slows and the hitching of his breath stops and finally I feel it is safe to ask if he is ready to lay back down in his big boy bed, but he points to our bedroom and whimpers, and then points to the empty crib and tells me he wants to sleep in his crib and of course, I oblige. He takes his 'beebee' (blanket) and his kitty and he wedges himself into the corner of his crib and covers himself and his face with his blanket and kitty and he drifts back to sleep. And I know he is feeling like his beebee and his kitty are his shield and if he covers up completely nothing can get him because I STILL do that when I have a bad dream, and I just wanna crawl in with him and hold him and take all his fear away.

And this morning he awoke happy and smiling and calling out his usual "Mama - can I go down da stairs?", his signal that he is up and ready and looking for me to come give him permission to get out of bed and come downstairs...And after I got him downstairs on the couch I checked his feet over and as I was looking at them he looked at me with wide eyes and said "A nake bit me. On my put. He bit me. Up der" and pointed upstairs and I said "Oh NO L, you just had a bad dream, there are no snakes in your room, nope, no snakes in our house" and he didn't believe me and said again that "a nake up der bit me" but I assured him again that there are no snakes in our house and he brightened up and said "No nakes? No nakes in our house ta git me?" and I assured him again, and I think he believed me, and I HOPE he believed me, and I think we may need to do some reassuring tonight to get him into his big boy bed again, and Oh my, his first nightmare and I just wanna take all the fear away...take it all away for him. And this is only the beginning. How am going to get through all the times when I want to take away all the pain, the dissapointment, the sadness, the emotional hurt, the unfairness that is life and I can't?? And I have to just be there to hold him and say Mama's here, but what about when that is not enough, but is all I can do?? And how will my heart come out the other side of motherhood intact after being shattered again and again?

In bloom

As I was leaving the house this morning, I noticed that this plant, that hangs in our laundry room / cat room / entry / sun room (not that you could sit in there, it literally is a little entry way that at one point was built onto the outside corner of the house, but it has lots of windows and is sunny) is in bloom.

I have had this plant for almost 6 years, and it has never had flowers on it before. I did not even know it COULD grow flowers. Weird. And pretty. And, I will tell you this as I laugh at myself; when I saw them, I actually reached out to touch them while thinking "Are those REAL?" Ya know, like you might do at someone ELSE'S house when you see a pretty plant / flower and you don't ACTUALLY KNOW whether or not the plant is real, so you reach out to touch it....Yeah...I am claiming innocence on that little momentary lapse of clarity and blaming it, once again, on preggo brain.

I don't know what type of plant this is, but it is my favorite houseplant, because it is unique (as far as vining house plants go) and because of how it came to be mine...W says I 'stole' it, but I did no such thing...I just *accidentally* broke a little piece off of a plant that was for sale at Target while shopping one day - literally, it was ONE LEAF AND ABOUT 1" OF STEM - and took it home and nursed that little clipping until it sprouted enough roots to plant. And today, it is a big beautiful thriving house plant. Which I am proud of. And think is unique and beautiful and which decided out of the blue that it should sprout some flowers and bloom.

Huh.

Happy Anniversary to W and I...

(Please note that this was intended to be posted Thursday, as that was our anniversary, but I got busy and didn't have time to finish it that night...Also note that this post is just a long trip down memory lane for me and may be a little boring for you :0))


W and I got married 4 years ago today. It was a gloriously sunny day; not a cloud in the sky. It was hotter than hell, like 98 or better, but not a drop of humidity, THANKFULLY. Had it been humid, it would have been miserable. I remember it had been an unusually rainy spring; it rained EVERY WEEKEND for the 7 weekends before our wedding date, and I remember being EXTREMELY worried that it would rain on MY BIG DAY. But, it didn't :0)

W and I spent the night before the wedding apart; my girls and I stayed at the house and booted him out to spend the night at his best man's house...I woke up that morning, rolled over in bed, looked my best friend of 21 years (since we were 5!), R, in the eyes and said "I'm getting MARRIED today!!!!" to which she replied "I know!!!" LOL...it really was the perfect start to a perfect day. There was something very surreal about waking up next to her; it brought me back to when we were kids having sleepovers (which happened often) and it just didn't seem possible that we could be adults, in our mid 20's, her with a babe at home and another on the way, and me getting married...It felt like maybe it was all a dream and we were REALLY still just kids, prentending it was my wedding day.

She was 6 mos pregnant at the time, R was, with her second babe, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I now fully and COMPLETELY can comprehend just how good of her it was to stand up there, in the 98 degree heat, in a modified bridesmaid dress, in a Catholic Church, have tons and tons of photos snapped, stand up and make a toast in front of 275 pairs of eyes, and dance the night away with me all while being 6+ mos pregnant. Not that she would have ever said no - I know it meant alot to her to be a part of my day, but it had to have been hard. Now that I have been pregnant myself, I can say that in NO WAY would I be excited about the prospect of doing all that crap at 6+ months pregnant. I would TOTALLY want to be part of my friend's day, and would TOTALLY do it, but I am sure it was by no means an EASY, super enjoyable day for her. Her part in my special day means even more to me now that I can understand it from that perspective :0)

We got married in a Catholic Church because it was what we knew and what was 'expected' of us. Growing up, that was the only kind of wedding I ever saw, and so my dreams of my wedding day had always been shaped around that. Although I had already moved far FAR away from the religion of my childhood at that point, I was not far enough along in my journey and not strong enough at that point to do it any other way. And I do not regret it, but will say that if I had it to do over again NOW, I would definitely do it different. The only part of it that truly bugged me was the part of the vows that talked about promising to accept the children that god gave us and to bring them up in the Catholic Church...I already had NO INTENTIONS of doing any such thing.

I always thought W would be the nervous one, but as it turns out, *I* shook like a LEAF through the entire ceremony...W was holding my hands and at more than one point had to ask me if I was okay I was shaking so hard. But I made it through, and only sounded a *little* silly as my voice got higher and higher pitched as I recited my vows, so that by the time I said "I do" I am 99.9% sure I squeaked that part out sounding like a mouse. And we only had one awkward moment when the 90 some odd year old ancient priest decided to take a little nap in his chair after communion, and the music had ended and everyone in the church started rustling around uncomfortably, not sure what to do next...I am pretty sure this was when R and I looked at each other and got the giggles, which we were SOMEHOW able to contain to the SILENT giggles, which probably didn't look any different to all the people in the pews than all the SHAKING I had been doing throughout the ceremony anyway.

My brother gave a great TEARFUL speech at dinner, my dad a drunken speech, my friend R a truthful heartfelt one...We ate, and visited and drank (well not me - just a little wine with dinner, but W, he drank...along with a lot of others who had their fill!) we danced, we celebrated, we loved. I got told over and over how I was the most radiant bride people had ever seen; that the love that W and I share was pouring out of us so visibly that day. And it was. And it does. I felt absolutely beyond beautiful that day...which is a feat for me...My self esteem has come a long way since I was a kid / teen, but I still have trouble seeing myself as beautiful, even though people tell me so, but that day, I had no troubles feeling it what-so-ever.








We partied after the reception at our house with our wedding party and some close friends...I remember busting out our bong and smoking some in front of my now sister in law, who was just starting to get serious with my brother at the time, and who probably had some knowledge that W and I were not so straight laced, but had probably never seen pot or a bong in her life, but I didn't care - it was my day and my house. I am pretty sure I went to bed around 4am, in my wedding dress and W came in as the sun came up and the birds were singing good morning.

Most of the wedding party and some of the friends crashed at our place, strewn around our house on couches, chairs and the floor...we were awoken at about 7:30 am by my crazy dad pounding away in the front yard, installing some stone steps that W had been meaning to get to for a while. LOL...my crazy dad...yeah.

I spent a lot of that next day still in my wedding dress and all my dolled up hair and makeup. I figured shit, I paid all that money for all that stuff, might as well enjoy it for as long as possible, right? Although I didn't spend too much money - I bought my dress off the rack on clearance for $100, and only spent $30 on alterations - Yeah baby ;0)



(7 Mile Beach, Negril Jamaica)

We left on Tuesday to spend a week in Negril, Jamaica on our honeymoon, and I will just say that that week was honestly the best week of my life. I have never felt so relaxed, happy and so deeply in love as I did that week. I have never seen such natural beauty as that of the white sandy beaches, teal greenish - blueish clear Caribbean water, the wildness of the jungle as we traveled inland to take a day trip to hike up a stream. THAT was a trip...from stopping on the side of a mountain on the way up to visit a true to live Rasta man who hacked us up fresh pineapple, that he had just picked, with a machete, while trying to get as many marlboro's off us as he could, with a huge doobie hanging out of his mouth the entire time; to eating fresh mango that our tour guide pulled from the mineral spring (OMGOD heavenly), to jumping from a cliff, to diving under the water to pass through a hole in this rock under the water (that was nuts - W wouldn't do it, but I did - I wouldn't do it again, but I am glad I did it once!), to our bus getting pulled over by the police on the way back to our resort. Seems they had some little issues with our driver's paperwork. The 'police', by the way, carried fucking machine guns, and I will be completely honest in saying that I was FREAKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT as they argued with our driver...I kept thinking 'maybe they AREN'T the police...'. After hasseling our driver for awhile they let us pass, and I was able to relax again...



I pushed beyond my fears of the water and spent lots of time swimming, did a little snorkeling, jumped off the catamaran boat and swam around the caves by Rick's cafe which are amazing...and where the locals cliff jump from CRAZY heights...a few of the people on our cruise tried it too - THAT was one thing I didn't even consider ;0).



We ate candle lit buffet dinner barefooted on the beach most every night, and had fresh fruit smoothies and made to order omelets for breakfast most every morning. We opened the shutters in our room and laid on the bed listening to the rain and thunder which came each afternoon for an hour or so, and then blew away leaving more sunny skies and hot weather. The thunder was truly amazing...louder than any I have ever heard. Must have something to do with rolling out over the open ocean or something...




(Where the magic happened...well, *some* of the magic...some happened in OTHER places too, but we won't go into that ;0) )


(Oh, that hammock was TO DIE FOR. I really almost smuggled it home with me)


Mostly, I think it was just the relaxation that made it all so amazing. Of course, the relaxation was aided by a wonderfully mellow buzz from a little bit of Jamiaca's finest smoke, courtesy of our beach friend Elvis - not too mention all of the banana rum drinks that flowed freely all day and night! I am sure that the weight I gained was more from the banana drinks than all the food I ate!!


(This was the view from 'our spot' on the beach where we spent a LOT of our time...**sigh** wish I was there now :0) )




(Our beach friend Elvis...and me in my standard attire - sarong, tank top and sandles...with a banana rum drink in hand! Hmmm...for someone who really HONESTLY hardly ever drinks, I sure did drink a lot of alcohol THAT week!)

It just really was the most amazing time of my life, and I cannot believe that I almost didn't book the trip because I thought we couldn't afford it. My friend J convinced me that we MUST do it because if we didn't - if we said 'We will do it in 5 years' that we would SO REGRET it and that we probably would not get around to it and I am SO GRATEFUL for her relentless badgering because she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. We COULD afford it then; and had we waited, there is no way we would be doing it next year on our 5 year anniversary. There is no way we could afford it now. And in my heart I know that it would not be the same as it was then. The combination of all the stress and planning leading up to the wedding, and the excitement of just being married, and the fact that we didn't have any kids at home to miss (besides the cats!) made it impossible to recreate that same experience 5 years later. However, I do so hope that we are able to make it back there some day and are able to 'somewhat' recreate that level of relaxation, adventure and pure reveling in our love for each other.


(Looking at that photo, all I can think is MAN we look young!)

Bravo for you if you made it all the way through this trip down memory lane with me...thanks :0)

Yeah, what SHE said....

Today I would like to encourage you to stop over and see my friend Ms. Moon at Bless our Hearts and check out her post.

I am working on a long, novel of a post that was sposed to go up yesterday, but that I will post tonight as I need to add some photos to it...

Happy Friday :0)

From the mouth of the babe - again

W got a call to go and work for the day with some people he knows, and this was the conversation L and I had as I buckled him into his carseat:

HIM "Is Daddy gone come wit us?"

ME "No, he's going to go to work"

Him "NO! He TAN'T go to work, he hafta play brisbee!" (Frisbee - meaning Frisbee golf, W's new past time since he has been laid off, when he is not looking for work, or looking to get out of the house and away from the wrath of his pregnant, crabby wife ;0) )

Yeah kid - you don't know how right you are that he would probably rather play frisbee, but too bad, his ass is going to WORK!

Some healing energy for my niece, and an update...

My newest little niece, MJ, needs a little healing energy sent her way.

On Saturday they transferred her to the local Children's Hospital because her breathing was rapid and something just wasn't quite right.

Turns out she has an air pocket in one of her lungs (don't remember what it is called) that prohibits it from inflating all of the way, so her respiration is quickening to try and make up for the not-quite-functioning-properly lung. They did a bunch of tests, and for the most part things are fine, and they believe she will be just fine, but they are treating her for pneumonia with antibiotics, which should cure the problem, but also means she has to stay in the hospital until Friday of this week. My brother and his wife are not able to stay there, and it is about 40 minutes from their house, and I can just imagine how hard it is on my sister in law to have to be seperated from her 4 day old baby. On one hand, SHE does need to get her rest; she had major surgery last Friday, and yet, I know I would be feeling the same way - I am FINE, don't worry about ME, just let me be with my baby.

So anyway, any spare energy / prayers / whatever you do or call it for them would be great.

My ultrasound. It went well. Me and the ultrasound tech are buddies, being as I saw him about 15 times with my last pregnancy, and have seen him 3 times now with this one, and he usually tells me a little bit more than he is sposed to, I think. So he told me that my amniotic fluid levels are fine (which was the first concern), and that baby looks good; good, and BIG. I was 33weeks on Friday when I had the ultrasound, and baby is measuring 36 weeks. WHOA. The measurements he took give the baby an estimated weight of 5lbs 15ozs, give or take 14 ozs. So, this baby could be anywhere between 5lbs and 7lbs ALREADY. 97th percentile. He said the baby should come in under 30 lbs...LOL. I still 'technically' have 7 weeks to go, which gives the baby lots of time to grow...which is kinda scary!

So anyway, baby is healthy. I haven't heard from my doctor yet, but I am pretty sure she is not in on Mondays, so I probably won't hear from her until tomorrow. I am trying not to worry, but to be honest, I am a little nervous that this baby will be huge. I am just hoping that maybe I gestate faster than 'normal' and that this baby is ready and decides to come early like L did. And above all, I just need to trust in my body's ability to deliver this baby, no matter what size he/she ends up being.

New life...

My brother doesn't make boys.

Damn.

I just (like just as in within the last hour) became an auntie for the third time!!! My little niece MJ (her initials) was born via c-section this morning to my brother and his wife, which gives them 3 beautiful little girls! I am so excited to have another little life in our family to love and watch grow. But I will be BRUTALLY honest when I say that I had SO SO hoped that they would have a boy. I SO wanted my brother to experience raising a boy, and I really wanted a nephew! For me, and for L to have another little boy to play with in the family. When I told W they had another girl, and that I was having gender disappointment, he said "You're REALLY going to have gender disappointment when ours comes out and it's another boy!" We'll just see who's right on that one ;0) Honestly, it will be easier to get over my disappointment of my OWN child's gender than it will my niece's I think. Although I know when I hold her it just.won't.matter.

I am very excited that they named her what they did...I LOVE that I will be able to call her MJ...If I had a girl when we had L, I really liked the idea of MJ for her first name, or a combination of first/middle names that would allow me to call her MJ, but W was DEAD SET against it...so now I have my little MJ!!

I am off work today (YAY!) and have my ultrasound this afternoon, which just so happens to be right down the hallway from where they are staying, so I will be meeting the little peanut this afternoon. I am so excited to hold a fresh new little baby again :0) It's very nice of my brother and sister in law to have children 6 weeks ahead of me each time so that I can get my baby fix while I am in the midst of SO wanting to be done with my own pregnancies :0) (My first niece was born 6 weeks ahead of L.)

*SIGH* Ah, new life :0) It just doesn't get any better than this. So much potential and promise of love and happiness to be experienced as this new little one grows...

I love my brother so damn much, and even with my gender disappointment, I am SO happy for him...Because REALLY, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we have a new, HEALTHY member of our family, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

This and that

I had a checkup last night, and all is going well with the pregnancy; blood pressure is good, I gained 6 pounds (not awesome, but not horrible - that makes 32# to date. I am aiming for less than 40). My fundal height is measuring 2-3 weeks ahead, so my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound to make sure that this is not because of too much amniotic fluid, and to check on the baby's size. Iam not really concerned that there is anything wrong, and am fine with doing the ultrasound just to make sure, but I DO know that I don't believe that estimating the baby's weight or gestational age via ultrasound is very accurate at this stage, so I am a bit concerned that they will think this baby is going to be large and that could potentially influence my doctor's opinions from here on out. But, I trust her, and I trust that she will be receptive to my desires no matter what the US shows. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and I must say I *am* a bit excited to see the little one moving around in there again :0) I am enjoying the 'non event fullness' of this pregnancy compared to with L, but it IS fun to see the baby at this stage as they are all formed in there and look basically just like they do when they arrive!

_______________________________________________________________

Last night we got L to bed, and W decided to go play one more round of Frisbee golf with his friends, so I sat down at the computer. W couldn't have been gone for 2 minutes when I thought I heard a knock on the front door. I looked out the little window in the front door from where I was sitting, but didn't see anything, so just went back to the puter...Then I thought I heard a knock on the side door, and figured W had forgotten something (and he always locks the door when he leaves us home in the evenings) so I went to go let him back in. I saw a woman and a man standing on our sidewalk outside the side door and totally groaned, thinking "Great, the damn Jehovah's Witnesses are here...not in the mood for that!" and opened the door feeling very irritated, only to have the man ask if our last name was -----, and that he thinks my husband lost his wallet, which he handed over to me! Indeed, it was my husbands wallet! They had found it down at the park where the Frisbee golf course is, where he had been earlier in the day. I must say I felt a bit bad for being irritated with them for interrupting my Me Time...Thank goodness THEY found it and not someone else who was not so honest. There was no cash in there to be had, but there was a bank card, credit card, driver's license, etc...Would not have been good.

I was telling the story to my co-workers, one of which is a Jehovah's Witness, and after hearing the part about being irritated when I thought it was the JW's and the rest of the story, my JW co-worker said "They probably WERE JW's, as that is EXACTLY what they would do if they found some one's wallet"...which is probably true, but irritated me to no end in the sense that he was acting like JW's had the trademark on being honest people. Whatever. No offense to the JW's, I just can't handle people that go door to door and, unsolicited, try to feed their beliefs to everyone. (Ms.Moon - if you read this, I thought it was funny that you were talking about the same thing that I was thinking about today, and was planning to share my little story...Although your post was all deep and mine was just a regurgitation of what happened last night!)

_________________________________________________________________


There's this older gentleman in my town (a town with a population of about 4300 people) who walks every morning. And most every morning, L and I pass him on our way to L's daycare. And everyday, this gentleman raises his hand and waves hello to EVERY CAR that passes him...whether they come from in front of or behind him. And I just find it heartwarming, and funny, and I actually look forward to it, and I actually raise my hand in return now. I don't know, it is just NICE, ya know?

32 down, about 8 to go...

Sometimes, when I stand up, it feels like this baby is going to fall out of me right here-and-now. (M-O-O-N, that spells baby**) Friday was 32 weeks down, about 8 to go, so the baby falling out of me right now would not be a good thing. 8 weeks early would not be so good.

I am sure it is normal, but I don't remember this feeling with L. At least not this early. I remember the last 3 weeks with L felt like this (and since I went 2 weeks early, I guess that would have been weeks 35-38), but I was dilated to between a 2-3 at that time as well as ripening. So feeling this way at 32+ weeks kinda freaks me out.

Not to mention the aching hips and pressure in my pelvic and va-jay-jay regions. When I stand up, I feel sore. VERY sore. THIS I do remember as happening this early with L; in fact with both pregnancies I have had this problem for quite a while at this point.

I guess there was an upside to being on bed rest last time. I was able to lay around and take my daily nap (or napS if I wanted) so the 3rd trimester exhaustion was not so noticeable. I have taken to drinking a caffeinated drink in the afternoons in order to make it through my work day. It's either caffeine or a nap, and the nap isn't happening most days, so it's gotta be the caffeine.

My goal right now is to make it through July 17th at work, and then hopefully my doctor will write me off of work for the remainder of the pregnancy. My work is 1-1/2 hours away from my Birthing Center, so I do not want to be at work when I go into labor. And I figure if I am this tired already, I can only imagine how I am going to feel in another 6 weeks. And due to vacations and such at work, it would be good if I could make it that long. However, we will see what the baby and my body have in mind, and if I need to be out of work earlier, so be it, they will just have to deal with it.

I have been trying to keep walking on a regular basis, my approximate 2 mile route with L to the duck pond, but have been doing it less and less. With the whole baby-falling-out-of-me feeling, those 2 miles feel longer and longer.

I had a moment of panic last night, and W had to tell me to breathe...It was that panic that starts to set in, the feeling that there is NOT MUCH TIME LEFT until this baby arrives, and OMG I need to get all the gear out (honestly, we don't have much 'gear'; a travel size swing, a bouncy chair and the carseat, really), go through the clothes and pull out a few things so the poor kid has at least a onsie to wear, pack a bag for my stay at the Birthing Center, Oh and CLEAN! I need to CLEAN things...I don't know what, just THINGS, ya know? W says "Jeez E, that's 7-1/2 weeks away yet! Calm down!" And I'm all "Yeah, ONLY 7-1/2 weeks! And what if the baby comes a couple of weeks early?! Then it's ONLY like 5 weeks!! That's only a MONTH!"

And O-M-G, am I ready for this? Am I ready to handle a 2-1/2 year old displaced mama's boy and an infant and a household and dinner and cleaning and work all on top of being sleep deprived? And please oh please oh please don't let this baby be a crier like my niece was or like the 7 week old I saw this weekend whose mom looked like she had just been put through a ringer and hadn't slept a wink in the last 7 weeks...(She has a toddler too; a toddler, who like L was SO EASY and laid back as an infant, which left her COMPLETELY unprepared for this second baby who was very VERY far from easy and laid back).

And not to mention, how am I possibly going to love this baby as much as I love L? I am still struggling with this, although everyone tells me that you just do. That somehow your heart grows again, and you love them just the same. Or if not just the same, at least with the same intensity. I never knew love like I have come to with L, and it seems impossible that I could love another the same. How can it ever be as special as the first? How damn sad is THAT for this poor baby? The fact that I cannot imagine myself loving her/him as much as I love L? I just know that all my wise mama friends MUST be right, and somehow, I just will...

It's all coming so fast now. And, as seems to be the rule, it cannot come fast enough on one hand, but is scaring the hell out of me on the other. I am REALLY trying to remember that I am a VESSEL, and to enjoy and savor these last days of sleep (even the decreased amount I am getting now is going to be A LOT more than I will be getting shortly), and to focus on the amazing miracle that is occurring inside of me, but I will say it is hard.

OH OH! And I forgot to add that W will *HOPEFULLLY* be starting on a job with one of his old employers this week that will last at least 3 months! YAY!! So please cross your fingers. That would be great. Not only would it be more money than unemployement, it would help extend his available unemployement by that amount of time, which would make it last through next winter and hopefully through the worst of the downturn, and not to mention the man just NEEDS TO WORK!!! He needs to get away from the house and be active. Although he has been doing things around the house, it's just not enough.

(**Let's see if anyone gets the book reference here...I couldn't resist...)

Absent

I have been absent from the blogger world. I have not been posting and I have not been reading (very much). I am behind on all the blogs I follow.

I will be 32 weeks pregnant as of Friday. Whoo hooo. 8 weeks or less to go. I am getting big. And tired. And sore. And crabby. And done. It happens. I am not a very fun mommy for L right now, and I can see that he is wanting more from me. He has been acting out a bit lately, which is made more difficult by the fact that my usual patience has absolutely worn away. I try, but I get short and frustrated with him so quickly, and then I feel bad. Maybe he is also sensing that the change is near; that soon he will have to share me, and so he wants as much of me as he can get right now.

W is still laid off. Although there have been a couple glimpses of possible work, nothing has come through yet. He still has 3 mos of state unemployment left and then he can file for the federal extension, but I really hope he doesn't have to. Not to mention that if he doesn't work at all this year, then he basically has to work for a whole year before he has anything built up to draw off of again. I am trying to just not think about it yet. Things are okay for today and tomorrow, and that is about all I can handle thinking about at this time.

I have another free massage with my awesome massage therapist friend L tomorrow night (MAN how did I come to be so blessed as to have her shining light in my life?), and I am very much looking forward to it. Last time, we chatted the whole time, because we hadn't seen each other in awhile, and it wasn't as relaxing as they usually are with her, and she apologized afterward...so tomorrow we are going to save the conversation for afterward and I am just going to melt away, mind and body, in her wonderful massage work, and let my soul float off in her soothing energy.

There it is, my boring life update post. But yeah, I'm still here.