Feeling like crap

I am feeling like crap today. Head cold. Continuously running nose, sneezing, sore throat, sinus pressure / headache, watery eyes.

It started 2 days ago, but today is decidedly worse. Hopefully this will be the worst day and it will get better from here. L and the baby both have a little cold too...L was coughing all night - at least he is big enough to use Vicks on him, which did help.

I don't think you should be allowed to get sick when you have kids. There should really just be a law against it.

I know it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with being sick before I had kids when I knew that at least if I made it through the day at work, that I could go home, tell W to cook for his damn self, plop on the couch and sleep for a good 12 hours before I had to get up and do it again.

Ahhh, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep sounds like heaven!

Now, I have to look forward to going home and dealing with a toddler and an infant, and if I am lucky, getting to sleep by 9pm. I can't really tell them to cook for their damn selves. Although we are just having pizza, so W can handle that, and hopefully I can at least lounge on the couch and just nurse the baby.

And maybe I will just leave the office door closed after I finish pumping and sneak in a 20 minute nap...that would help a bit too.

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

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We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

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I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

This and that

I had a checkup last night, and all is going well with the pregnancy; blood pressure is good, I gained 6 pounds (not awesome, but not horrible - that makes 32# to date. I am aiming for less than 40). My fundal height is measuring 2-3 weeks ahead, so my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound to make sure that this is not because of too much amniotic fluid, and to check on the baby's size. Iam not really concerned that there is anything wrong, and am fine with doing the ultrasound just to make sure, but I DO know that I don't believe that estimating the baby's weight or gestational age via ultrasound is very accurate at this stage, so I am a bit concerned that they will think this baby is going to be large and that could potentially influence my doctor's opinions from here on out. But, I trust her, and I trust that she will be receptive to my desires no matter what the US shows. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and I must say I *am* a bit excited to see the little one moving around in there again :0) I am enjoying the 'non event fullness' of this pregnancy compared to with L, but it IS fun to see the baby at this stage as they are all formed in there and look basically just like they do when they arrive!

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Last night we got L to bed, and W decided to go play one more round of Frisbee golf with his friends, so I sat down at the computer. W couldn't have been gone for 2 minutes when I thought I heard a knock on the front door. I looked out the little window in the front door from where I was sitting, but didn't see anything, so just went back to the puter...Then I thought I heard a knock on the side door, and figured W had forgotten something (and he always locks the door when he leaves us home in the evenings) so I went to go let him back in. I saw a woman and a man standing on our sidewalk outside the side door and totally groaned, thinking "Great, the damn Jehovah's Witnesses are here...not in the mood for that!" and opened the door feeling very irritated, only to have the man ask if our last name was -----, and that he thinks my husband lost his wallet, which he handed over to me! Indeed, it was my husbands wallet! They had found it down at the park where the Frisbee golf course is, where he had been earlier in the day. I must say I felt a bit bad for being irritated with them for interrupting my Me Time...Thank goodness THEY found it and not someone else who was not so honest. There was no cash in there to be had, but there was a bank card, credit card, driver's license, etc...Would not have been good.

I was telling the story to my co-workers, one of which is a Jehovah's Witness, and after hearing the part about being irritated when I thought it was the JW's and the rest of the story, my JW co-worker said "They probably WERE JW's, as that is EXACTLY what they would do if they found some one's wallet"...which is probably true, but irritated me to no end in the sense that he was acting like JW's had the trademark on being honest people. Whatever. No offense to the JW's, I just can't handle people that go door to door and, unsolicited, try to feed their beliefs to everyone. (Ms.Moon - if you read this, I thought it was funny that you were talking about the same thing that I was thinking about today, and was planning to share my little story...Although your post was all deep and mine was just a regurgitation of what happened last night!)

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There's this older gentleman in my town (a town with a population of about 4300 people) who walks every morning. And most every morning, L and I pass him on our way to L's daycare. And everyday, this gentleman raises his hand and waves hello to EVERY CAR that passes him...whether they come from in front of or behind him. And I just find it heartwarming, and funny, and I actually look forward to it, and I actually raise my hand in return now. I don't know, it is just NICE, ya know?

1/2 a pound and a swimming head

I had my monthly check up yesterday, and I actually put my hands in the air and cheered "WHOOO HOOO" when I stood on the scale and it told me I had gained 1/2 a pound!!!! YAY!!!!!!! Now, i am not COMPLETELY weight obsessed, especially because I KNOW that to some extent our bodies are going to do what they are going to do when pregnant, and I know I eat a PRETTY well rounded diet, and I am still walking about 2 miles 4 or 5 times a week, but SERIOUSLY, after 8# 2 months ago and then 13# lsst month, I really needed this small weight gain this month. For my own emotional stability. That puts my total at 25# with 11 weeks or so to go, which is okay. It may not sound like a lot, but when you start out on the not so tiny side to begin with, it is plenty. My goal this time is to keep it under 40#, which would STILL put me at almost the same ending weight as last time, which is no little number, but overall, I am okay with how it is going...

Also good yesterday was that my blood pressure is still looking lovely, so no bedrest yet! YAY!

I also had my baby Soul Portrait session yesterday, and it was very cool, but honestly has left my head swimming. There is one part in particular that we talked about, that leaves me....confused? Scared? Questioning my personal strength and my strength to make hard choices when it comes to the best interest of my children. Because, as parents, isn't that our goal? To do the best we can by them? It has to do with letting go of the notion that MY families life (my family in this instance meaning W, I and our children) need not be completely based on the traditions of what I grew up with...of really questioning WHY I feel so tied to this geographical location, and if it is simply because it is 'what I know' and whether or not it is going to be the MOST beneficial and most NURTURING place for my family. I have often wondered why we stay here...I remember thinking one time "We are adults, we could go live ANYWHERE we want...we could write a completely different life for ourselves, why don't we?" W has often talked about moving away...Alaska and Colorado being two areas he has talked about on numerous occassions...but I am a true Capricorn, and change and the unknown are REALLY HARD for me. But it came up yesterday that we may, in the future, find ourselves needing to think about those things again. And she asked me if I was ready to make decisions like that if they were for the best for my children. I sure hope I am. And she said that this baby is going to push us to be more than we think we are... And she specifically mentioned a place that W has mentioned in the past, which was one of those freaky things...

And there is so much more, but I guess I am not going to get into it right now...

I don't know...it was weird and great and amazing all at the same time. And it has left me feeling a little ungrounded today. I didn't have a chance to take a photo of the Soul Portrait, but I will, I promise, and it is beautiful.

W's assignment for today is to borrow the neighbors tiller and get a plot tilled for our garden and get the compost tilled into the earth so I can sow some seeds this weekend. I am up north, so not really *behind* schedule on planting, but I definitely need to get a move on. So I am REALLY hoping he gets that done for me today...If I wasn't so pregnant, I would TOTALLY just do it myself and not wait on him, but I am thinking I should just leave manhandling the tiller to the man this time, LOL...My dad and I had a garden for quite a few years when I was a kid, but it has been a LOOOOOOONG time, and so we are going to go slow, and just do a small-ish garden this year, and go from there. I am going to do tomatoes, peppers (I want to do salsa this fall if I get enough of a yield!), pickling cucumbers (for pickles, obviously), some melons cuz L and I LOOOOOVE melon, Peas in a pod, carrots, and onions maybe. I would like to do so much more, but I think that will be good for this year and gettting a hang of the farming thing again :0) I also am going to get some herbs going in pots that I can bring inside this fall and hopefully continue to have fresh herbs growing inside over the winter.

Better Now - with UPDATE

I am back at it today and feeling 100% better, thank my stars. Last week was horrible; every time I thought I was feeling better I would soon enough be assured that I was no where near better. I ate toast and bananas and applesauce all week. Thankfully, L didn't get the worst of it, although his stomach is a little wacky as evidenced by his diapers the last few days (I assure you, once the baby arrives, I am making a deal with W that I will change EVERY SINGLE baby diaper as long as he changes L's poopies!!!! I will take that yellow, seedy, up the back of the diaper breastmilk poop over grilled cheese and big people food poop anyday. C'mon potty training...)

I am super backlogged on reading my blogs!! It will take me 3 times as long to catch up, I think. Being down a week really sets you back!!

Luckily, last week was a slower week at work, and if I needed to take time off, it was at least a good time work wise...although I hate eating up so much PTO all at once, and to lay around being sick, none the less. Technically, I only used 3 days...but 3 precious days I could have used for something fun like a me day, or a day to spend time with L enjoying the nice weather! Since I am salary, 1/2 days or less don't really count against our PTO, unless you abuse it, of course.

The thing I love about being so sick is how appreciative I feel when I finally feel better! Even the screaming ache in my hips and back seem to have quieted down a bit for now.

Yesterday was okay. I could have handled a much more relaxing day, but at least I got a pretty decent walk in, and a short nap. But much of the day was spent running around, visiting the other mothers in my life. Even though I am a mom myself now, the day still seems to be more about our moms. Only because I allow it to be though, I suppose. And I love W to death, but I must say, I could stand him to be a little more sentimental and thoughtful and romantic when it comes to things like Mother's day and birthdays. But I knew this about him, and chose to love him anyway. He has come so far in so many other ways in our time together, that I still hold out hope that he will come around a bit on this, too.

*UPDATE*

I am so excited! I have this pyschic medium friend who is just so amazing, and does these wonderful spirit guide sessions she calls Soul Portraits. It is a reading / healing session...she connects with your spirit guides to bring forth the information that you need at the time...if you check out the link she explains it better...And you come home with a beautiful, completely unique, piece of artwork.

Anyway, I have had oh...5 or 6 sessions with her in the last 8 years, and am convinced that she sees and is open to things which most of us do / are not. The first time I had a session with her, we did not know each other at all, and she blew me away, and convinced me, a skeptical believer if you will, that she is genuine...that session was mostly focused on my friend Lynda who had recently died in a tragic car accident caused by a drunk driver. It was one of the most spiritually healing experiences I have ever had. Over the years, I have come to call her my friend, and she has continued to make me a believer in her gifts. I have seen her leave several of my friends as blown away as I was and have been.

Over the years and through my multiple sessions with her, we have talked about my children; which at the times of most of the sessions, were still 'future' children...I am so excited because she not only does Soul Portraits of adults, but also of children, and even babies IN THE WOMB! I am going to see her on Thursday to have a mini Soul Portrait done of this baby, and I am very, VERY excited. She has conveyed messages to me that already seem to be playing out when it comes to L, and I am excited to see what this baby's spirit guides are going to tell me. I already believe that my friend Lynda has been with this baby, and will continue to be with this baby as a guide, which makes my heart happy, and makes me even more excited about this session, as it presents a chance to reconnect with her as well.

I will post a photo of the Soul Portrait on Friday. Wish me fun!

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Faeries, mysteriously appearing trees and suffocating anxiety...

I left the house last Friday morning dreading coming home after work, which is COMPLETELY wrong and unfair...it's simply not right to dread coming home on a Friday, but the house was a disaster. Complete and utter. There were clothes strewn all across the living room, dirty and clean intermixed, hardly a square inch of room visible through the clothing explosion. L's toys had ALL seemed to migrate from his toy room into the living room, and what wasn't covered in clothing was covered in Matchbox cars and ramps and books and balls and tractors; a severe amount of tripping hazards and toe stubbers. The kitchen counter was a mess of bills that should have been in the mail and credit card and refinancing offers and payed bill stubs that should have been filed last Spring. There was a mile high stack of dishes piled next to the sink...the kind that don't go in the dishwasher, that need to be washed by hand; the kind I HATE and will avoid like the plague. The entry/laundry/cat room was nasty; boots and scarves and recycling overflowing, cat litter strewn about (damn cats, are they NEVER going to learn to wipe their feet?!? REALLY.)

So I knew that when I got home, there would be no relaxing on a Friday night after a long week of work. My obsessive self would not leave it till Saturday morning. I would need to address the mess I had ignored all week.

That evening, when I trudged through the door lugging L and bags and purses I noticed immediately that something was not how I left it that morning. The entry was tidy and vacuumed. For a moment, I though that my wonderful husband must have vacuumed before he left that morning (for a weekend of ice fishing with 'the guys'), but that thought immediately vanished when I turned and set my purse on the dryer, which was empty and obviously wiped off.

L and I proceeded into the kitchen, and that's when I knew my cleaning faerie had paid us a visit while we were at work and daycare...the dishes were all washed and put away, save a few obscure pieces that have no visibly apparent home; these were neatly stacked on the stove top, ready to be put away. The floors were swept; no dirt and dust balls sticking to my feet as I crossed the floor. L's toys had all found their way back to his toy room, and were arranged neatly. The clothing explosion had been gathered into some sort of group in one corner of the living room and besides that, the room was SPOTLESS; all of the throw blankets folded neatly, table and entertainment center spotless and dusted.

It was the best feeling...

I love my mom. As much as she can get on my nerves and drive me fucking INSANE sometimes, she has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She has done this cleaning faerie appearance on a few occasions...always seemingly when it will mean the most for me. She has a key to my house, a privilege of which she is way more respectful than I would even expect, but which I appreciate greatly. Even when I tell her to go ahead and stop in tomorrow to drop off such and such while I am at work, she will still call me when she is on her way and let me know she is dropping it off.

I called her right away and thanked her and let her know how much it especially meant to me that day. In her way, she downplayed it, and was just glad that I could relax a bit with L instead of cleaning...She said she felt it was the least she could do seeing as she forgot my 30th birthday earlier this month (Yeah, my mom, the birthday queen herself, forgot her own daughters 30th birthday!?!) and I assured her that this was a gift greater than ANY card or well wishes.

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Since W was out of town and L and I were all on our own this weekend, I decided to treat L and I to a cheeseburger and fries at this place instead of chowing down on mac-n-cheese or corndogs for lunch. As I was cresting the hill into this little town, I noticed a tree that seemed out of place...an empty branched winter tree sitting just beyond the ditch in the field at the side of the road, all by itself...I could not, for the life of me, recall EVER seeing this tree there, and yet, it was apparently NOT a new tree...it was well established, it had to be a good 20 years old judging by the size. A tree, I could not recall seeing, on a road that I have traveled LITERALLY THOUSANDS of times in my life; riding in the car, driving in the car, on foot, on bicycle. I could drive this road in my sleep...I can name every house along that 2 mile stretch, I can picture all of the fields and barns and silos and hills and valleys in my head...I had passed this spot thousands of times, and yet this tree, which jumped out at me this day, had never caught my eye before.

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I have been feeling the anxiety creeping in lately, trying to break down my walls and wrap it's (ITS, even - damn preggo brain) bony fingers around my neck...I have been beating it back; barely. At times I feel the shortness of breath and tightening of chest starting to overtake me.

I am scared about W's job security, and in turn our financial security. I am nervous once again about how we will afford this addition to our family. I fear how much worse is worse before better comes along? I can't handle unknowns and uncertainties...

I hate that FINANCES can do this to me. WTF. I hate that I feel this way when there are those that are so much worse off than us.

I hate that there is a part of me that knows that as long as we have each other and our love, the rest is all unimportant, and yet, that part of me is not strong enough to overcome the fear and anxiety.

It's all good...

My Dr. appt yesterday went well...My blood pressure was 134/65, so actually a titch better than last time at 134/70. YAY! I told the doctor that I had convinced myself that it was going to be really high and that she was going to want to pull me out of work already or some crazy thing...She said she wouldn't be surprised if it does go up later, to which I said later, MUCH later, is one thing, RIGHT NOW is another!

So that was good. I also DID get to hear the baby's heartbeat, even though my uterus is tipped slightly backward, which makes it harder to hear the baby's heartbeat, little bean was being cooperative :0)

Other than that, all they did was ask me 10 pages of questions and take like a pint of my blood.

It seems, though, that Mother Nature decided that I would like a head cold for my 30th birthday...I woke up with a sore throat, pounding head, painful sinuses and a general achy feeling. Tylenol is the only thing I can take right now, which seems to have knocked it down enough for me to work, for now...This probably explains the headaches I have been getting the last couple of days, which I was attributing to possible high blood pressure. UGH, just when I am starting to feel almost normal and getting through a really bad 1st trimester, I get socked with this...par for the course, I guess.

Hopefully I will be feeling better by this weekend and can enjoy going out to celebrate my birthday.

Head first into 2009 and the big 3-0

I just read this from Maggie over at Okay. Fine. Dammit., and all I can say is WOW, and that is so true, and okay, I accept your challange, Maggie.

I have really come to like her.

That being said, I am not going to apologize, but I will say that I will probably be more absent than usual in the next couple of weeks...work is getting busy (YAY!) and evenings haven't really been finding me in the mood to blog, so I may just be finding time to keep up reading my blogs that I can't live without.

But, no worries, I will keep updated on the important things :0)

Thankfully, the Holiday season and lots of days off couldn't have come at a better time...I am starting to feel MUCH better, which I am SO thankful for...I don't know how much longer I could have continued making it to work all day, every day if I had continued to feel the way I did...somehow I would have, but thankfully I don't seem to have to figure that out. Especially with the large, important projects I have coming up in the next couple of weeks, I just don't know how I would have done it...

The Holidays were great...L had so much fun, although after 5 days in a row of opening gifts, he had NO DESIRE on the last day to open any...I felt bad for my MIL, because L actually went and hid in the kitchen, saying "I don wanna, mama" when we tried to get him to open them...Poor kid. So, it was more ME opening presents with L standing there...after they were open he was excited to play with them, he just didn't want to have to be the center of attention anymore and open anymore presents. Can't blame him. He got way more 'stuff' than I wish he would have, but how can you tell grandparents not to buy? My MIL did put money in his savings account for his birthday in lieu of a present, which is AWESOME.

Other than that, *I* am glad the holidays are over as well. I guess next is my birthday...WHEW, the big 3-0 this year...How can THAT be? Not sure. I am not afraid of 30 like I was even 5 years ago. I am going to embrace 30. I honestly have never been happier than I have been the last couple of years. W and are in a good place. He has grown by leaps and bounds and I think he is just getting started. Being a mom is definitely something I was meant to do in this life, and it is a joy. L has brought more love to my heart than I ever thought possible and this new baby will bring that much more (although I am still trying to figure out how my heart will not explode!). My career is in a good place. Even with the economic instability, I feel pretty safe where I am at...at least for now. But even still, *I* have grown too, and I know that no matter what happens, we *WILL* make it through, and somehow, everything will be alright. As long as we have our love and each other, the rest is just 'stuff'.

So, yeah. Looking forward to 30 and 2009.

I have my 12 week check up on my 30th birthday...Hah, good way to celebrate; with my doctors hand up my who-ha...LOL. It will be good as long as my BP is at a tolerable level. And we will (hopefully) get to hear the heartbeat that we saw at 6 weeks, which ALWAYS is exciting, and helps to alleviate worried pregnant minds and help convince me that this is indeed really happening :0)

So here's to a new year, and a new decade.

My rules

I always knew that if I was going to have a blog, I didn't want it to be a blog that was just a day to day regurgitation and sickeningly sweet celebration of all the adorable little things my son does. I know alot of people whose blogs are exactly that. All they ever talk about are their children, or that BBQ they went to yesterday.

I wanted my blog to be about more...because *I AM* so much more than just a mom to my child(ren). I wanted to have a place to express all these ideas and thoughts and questions and crap that rolls around in my head. And then sprinkle a little sickeningly sweet celebration of L in the mix, while totally keeping it real ;0)

There are lots of bloggers who do this, if you doubt it, check out her or him or him or her. They all rock. And they definitely talk about their kids, but their blogs are so much more than just that.

So, in my one track pregnancy frame of mind, I am going to try to keep this blog away from being JUST a diary of my pregnancy, but I can make no promises. But like my good friend R said; My blog, My rules.

So, I am 7 weeks + 5 days pregnant and it is amazing to me that this little being inside of me already looks like this:





And amazing how quickly things develop....

Hands at 48 days



Hands at 51 days



And the feet...

51 days



60 days



Amazing, isn't it? Even though the little bean is only 11mm long (think .43 inches, less than 1/2 of an inch...) he or she already has little fingers and toes. And a beating heart. And a few organs. And eyes.

Wow.

The other amazing thing is that a little being less than 1/2 of an inch long can make a full size human being feel like such dogshit.

And that that same human knows it will all be worth it in the end.

The appointment was good...

No flashback needed...I did not end up in emergency surgery as I did on March 8, 2006. The news was good, and all is right in my world...

Except for the 24/7 nausea, although it is to be expected...

And the light headedness, which is also to be expected...

I mean, you can't expect to feel 100% when you are PREGNANT, can you?

Although I read that some women feel 'Wonderful, energetic and radiant'. Really? Where are these supposed women? I don't believe I have ever met one. If they do indeed exist, I would like to see one for myself, so I can puke on her radiant little feet.

I myself feel as far from 'wonderful, energetic and radiant' as one can get. I am EXHAUSTED, cranky, dizzy, and nauseous as I said. I am nauseous when I don't eat, I am nauseous when I do eat. Therein lies my current dilemma. To eat and feel sick or not to eat and feel sick.

So yes, I am pregnant! I am due late July / early August, and we are very excited, and scared shitless! The state of the economy combined with the thought of bringing another member into our family scares me out of my mind, but I have learned that it will all work out no matter what. Somehow it works out.

We told our families this weekend and everyone is very excited, of course. We were going to wait until the holidays, but we decided against it for a couple of reasons, some which will probably come up at a later date, but mainly because *I* couldn't wait! I was excited to share the news, and tired of making excuses for why I have felt like crap.

So there, all is revealed. I will apologize in advance for all of the emotional gushing, baby talk, Too Much Information episodes and pregnancy insanity that is sure to become my blog for the next 8 months. For those of you who have not been pregnant, or had a pregnant significant other, this is sure to be a glimpse into the one track, insane, emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy. I only hope you will still read and like me when we exit the ride...

Oh, and the new carpet FUCKIN' ROCKS. I love it love it love it. Almost makes it feel like a new house. Almost. But all that laboring away with a wanna be wheel barrow was definitely worth it. DEFINITELY.

An appointment...

I have an appointment at 3:30. I will be heading there soon. Things could go one way, the good way, or things could go the other way, the not so good but not the end of the world way, and then my plans for tonite could be drastically different and I could be flashing back to March 8th, 2006.

Here's hoping that things go the good way, and that all is well and right in my world after my appointment, and that my plans of attending my friend S's 10th Anniversary Girl's Holiday Party are realized and no flashbacks need occur...

All of this will make sense soon, I promise. Just trust me and put the good vibes out there my few trusty readers.

Thanks :0)

I may have the worst immune system of anyone I know...

It could have been something I ate yesterday, I spose. Hmmmm, I had Eggs with toast for breakfast...the butter and eggs were fresh. I had a few bites of my mom's left over hot dish for lunch; it was from Thursday night, and we had eaten some on Friday and no one got sick, so shouldn't be that...For supper I made a beef roast. That should have been okay. Looked fine when I was putting it in the pan. And then there was the apple crisp that I made last night.

So, either some of that food was the culprit, or I am coming down with the flu. I have felt nauseous all morning, and as the day goes I am starting to feel worse.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. I am going to take the afternoon off and go home and sleep for a bit before I go pick up L.

I could possibly have the worst immune system of anyone I know. Or maybe I am just a wimp. Could be that, too. I hate being sick. As soon as I feel it coming on I get pissed off. That probably doesn't help with the whole 'mind over matter' trick.

Hopefully it is just a 24 hour thing.

Okay, done whining. For now.

Feeling a little better...

So I am feeling a little better today, thank god. It has moved into my sinuses a little more, but my throat doesn't hurt like it did for the last few days.

I have a few posts started about things that I really want to blog about, am trying to get those wrapped up, so stay tuned. If only work would stop getting in the way of my blogging!!! LOL...

I must say I am starting to wish I had a laptop; I keep thinking "OMG, what am I going to do in two weeks when I am at the cabin for 9 days and can't check my blogs?"

OMG, I think I need help.

UGH

Ugh...I am feeling worse. Now my eyes are burning and watering, I can't even get my brain to work straight and that is no good...I have 2 bids due tomorrow and really need to focus this afternoon.

I am trudging through soley on the fact that my FIL and his wife are picking L up from daycare today and I don't have to pick him up until just ahead of 7, so if I scoot outta here right at 4, I can get home and probably squeeze in an hour and a half of sleep before I gotta go get him.

Oh, c'mon 4 o'clock.

I'm a baby, I know...

Ugh. I'm sick. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my nose burns, I have the chills, and I just wanna go home and go to sleep. I HATE being sick. Of course, it happens now, when I am swamped, and cannot even go home and sleep. I was totally slow at work for like 3 weeks, and now I am swamped, and it HAS to happen now.

Damn.