Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

Angry

I wrote a post and emailed it yesterday to Maggie for her Violenced Unsilenced website. I had been debating doing this for awhile, after Maggie encouraged me that my story may help someone. I am not sure when it will be up, but I will let you know.

It turned out to be much harder than I had originally expected it to be. Not the writing, but the feelings that it exposed. As the memories unfolded on the screen, it struck me that those things happened to ME. For so long I have thought that I had addressed the issues and moved on...that I had come to terms with it all. But I realized that for so long, when I thought about those things that happened, it was like watching a movie; those children were not me and my brother, they were just actors...Those adults were not my parents, they were just.actors. It turns out, I hadn't addressed or come to terms with much of anything...My brain had just conveniently removed ME from the equation. They were Other People. Not Me.

I think part of that comes because my mother likes to say "You only focus on the bad. Your life wasn't that bad; there are so many who had it worse."

Yeah. There were and are LOTS and LOTS of people who 'had it worse'. I need only read the stories here to know that, but does that mean that I am not entitled to the pain that I *did* suffer? Discounting the situation as 'not that bad' is an excuse. It is her way of justifying all that happened, and making herself feel okay with exposing us to it all. I know this. But that doesn't help heal that little girl who still witnessed horrible things, even if they weren't the MOST horrible things.

It could also be the fact that I was stoned for a decade. From the time I was 14 until I was in my early twenties, I was stoned. I always told myself I just liked to smoke pot, and that it was all good, but I can see now that I was definitely self medicating, avoiding, hiding.

Writing it all out has left me feeling like an open wound...my emotions are oozing out of me...slowly. And they feel hot, and angry, and they burn as they come. Different emotions keep coming...the more I think about it the more different emotions boil up to the surface. I feel angry, and disgusted, and sad, and confused.

There is just so much coming out lately...Starting with all of the issues that have been coming forth with my dad's spiraling alcoholism and his relationship with L and this coming baby, and now with everything that is coming up from writing for Violenced Unsilenced...it's all working its way slowly to a head it feels.

It's good. I know it is. Things I have wanted to say to my parents for a long time are starting to burst forth from my mouth as they run through my head. Almost by the will of someone else, they come forth, where before they would have just continued to run through my head, WANTING so desperately to be said out loud. That little forgotten girl inside of me is finding her voice. And she is TIRED of the silence, and the waiting, and the holding it all in, it seems. And she is ANGRY.

Like the other day, my mom stopped by and was talking to L about the summer and how much fun they were going to have...she asked if L had a fishing pole, and I said 'No' and she told L that she was going to buy him one so that her and Papa could take him out fishing in the boat.

I was standing at the counter making supper and as the same old thought ran through my head it simultaneously came out of my mouth -

"As long as Papa realizes he isn't going to be drinking before OR during the fishing trip"

It felt SO. GOOD. to say that out loud. I wish he would have been in the room, but it's okay. It still felt good.

My mom looked at me with a hurt look on her face, and proceeded to inform me that she had already had that talk with my dad - that he 'Better realize that E isn't going to put up with you drinking if you want to take her son fishing'...and then she asked me if I really thought she would allow that.

I told her that No, I don't think SHE would do anything to put my child(ren) in danger, that I do in fact trust her to obey my wishes when it comes to my child(ren), but that my Dad needs to realize that there is no leeway on the boundaries I set; that he is going to be forced to make a choice. It may break my heart if he cannot make the right choice, but on this I will not bend. He is going to make a choice - his grandson or his alcohol. It doesn't mean 'just a few beers' before hand, it means you don't drink until AFTER you have my son safe and sound back with me. That my brother and I may have survived him, but I will be DAMNED if I am going to put my children out there and chance them surviving him.

I so so wish he had been there, but it's a step. I felt lighter, and relieved. I know I need to say it to his face, and I really really feel as though the day is coming when it is all going to come out of me, and onto him.

But good as it feels, it hurts me, too. Because it hurts her. It's hurts her probably on so many levels that I cannot even comprehend. And that hurts me, deeply. But I cannot continue to be silent. I cannot. It's not just me, it's MY CHILDREN on the line now. Being a mother changes everything SO MUCH.

She stopped again a few days later, and as she was leaving she said to me

"L is so so sweet, E - enjoy that now, because it all changes...they grow up and leave you. I should know, I have completely lost my son"

Meaning she has lost her son because he married a woman who took him away from her and turned him on her...

"Yeah, but part of that is not your fault -"

"I know, he and I always had a very close relationship"

"-no, I mean part of that is because of Dad."

"Yeah, but what can I do about that? I can't do anything about his problems...and I may be an enabler, but what can I do? My mom lived with the same thing."

BINGO. There it is, the continuation of the cycle. 'What could *I* have done? My mom lived through the same thing...*She* couldn't do anything, what could *I* do either???'

"Well, it's too late now."

"What could I have EVER done?"

It saddens me to no end to see that she doesn't get it. That she came through her experiences with her OWN childhood as the person who perpetuates the cycle. It's all excuses. As my friend Kori said, it's all excuses. Excuses for inaction. Excuses to quell their own feelings of guilt.

It angers me. I am ANGRY at her. As much as she was a victim herself, I still hold her partially accountable and at fault, for letting it happen. And that then CONFUSES me...how can I be SO ANGRY at another victim? But then again, I guess I could look at HIM as a victim, too? Couldn't I? A victim of the disease of alcoholism? A victim to his uncontrollable anger??

I am also guilty of being an enabler myself. By not telling my father EXACTLY what I feel, by not telling him that how he drinks is NOT okay, and that he NEEDS help; by continuing to sweep it under the rug, I myself have become an enabler. By not drawing a line in the sand and saying I love you, but I will not continue to sit by while you drink yourself to death, I will not allow you to have a relationship with my children in the state that you are in, I am allowing him to continue on.

There is so much going on in my head. And I know the pregnancy and the hormones add fuel to the fire. But this NEEDS to happen. But that doesn't make it easy. And it all threatens the relationship with my parents - this delicate balance I have struck between my true emotions and what I want to be...but that relationship is built on sweeping the dirty, hard, disgusting facts under the rug, just as we have always done. I don't want to do that forever. I CAN'T do that forever. It's like balancing a ton of feathers and a ton of bricks...somehow, that ton of bricks is just so much heavier...

Why must they? Part 2 (I think)...or because it's my blog and I can...

I am going to be shallow and rude for a moment, but I need to go off for a minute, and besides, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I really try to not take advantage of the "Mommy to be / Families with small children" parking spaces unless I really have to, or until I get to the end of my pregnancy and really appreciate not having to walk a mile into the store. I DO use them more often if I have L with me than if I am alone.

Yesterday was just one of those days though...I had walked around a LOT at a very large campus of one of our clients, in REALLY bad shoes (I need new work dress shoes badly, but it just can't be a priority right now), and I just wanted to get in, get my bra and get out. (The bra, BTW, was another thing in dire need of replacement...and while the shoes can be tolerated and be made to suffice for a little while longer, my girls were letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the bra could not!)

...

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Okay, I had the rest of the story typed out (which was just a big long rant), but when I got finished and re-read it, I just could not publish it. Written out, it came off as even more rude and shallow than I believe I am, and it's more raging pregnancy hormones than anything, and after the last post that got you all thinking I am a whack job, I couldn't let you think that I am a super rude, super shallow whack job...

Let's just say that I got EXTREMELY irritated by not one, but TWO, lazy, selfish asshole people who pulled into the 'Mommy to be / families with small children' spots that I was was pulling up to...Neither of them pregnant, nor with small children in tow. One was just a lazy lone lady who appeared perfectly capable of walking from a normal spot, and the other one was fat and with a bouncy 10 year old in tow...hardly qualifying as a 'small child'.

Oh, and I *may* have made an under my breath remark, which maybe wasn't so under my breath, and possibly was heard by someone, and I may have felt kinda bad...but not totally bad, because it *was* true...

(Okay, so you still got a glimpse of my rudeness in the short version, but hey, like I said, it IS my blog...if I can't do it here, where do I dump these feelings???)

And no, it did not kill me to walk a little further, but c'mon people, SERIOUSLY?

Fooling myself...

I had this naive notion that I could protect my children from my parents' alcoholism. That due to the fact that *I* was determined to show them with my own actions and life choices that drinking like my parents do is not normal or healthy or the way that all, or even a majority of people, live their lives, that they would be safe from the hurt and pain inflicted upon me by my parents alcoholism. That my parents could be a part of my children's lives and somehow I would use their sickness as a way for my children to learn from a distance...my children would not have to live through what I did in order to learn the lessons; I could teach them by viewing it from afar.

I had this plan that I would simply tell my children that Nana and Papa (him, especially) have a disease, a sickness they couldn't control, and that drinking like that was not a healthy or happy way to live. And that somehow, some way, those words would make them understand and would protect them.

HA...yeah...good plan.

Last night I was telling L that I was going to call Papa B and Gramma C (W's father and his wife) and see if he could stay with them on Saturday night while mama worked. He immediately started whining that he didn't want to go there, he wants to "Go Nana's house...and Papa be der too!" (my parents).

In that instant, at TWO years old, L blew my plan wide open and exposed it for the weak little wanna be protection from the storm that it was trying to be.

"No, you can't go to Nana and Papa's, we're going to see if you can go to Papa B's and Gramma C's house"

"Noooo - wanna see Nana an Papa, and Jack be der too!"

How could I have thought there would be no pain in it for him? How could I have thought that saying the words "No you can't_____with Papa because Papa is sick" would magically make him understand my reasoning and squelch his desires to spend time fishing or hunting or hanging out with his Papa that he loves?

Last night, I was able to brush it under the rug and just move on. I just stopped the conversation, and when Saturday comes and we drop L off at his other Papa and Gramma's house, he will be happy and he will forget that he wanted to be at Nana and Papa's instead. But what happens when he is 4 or 5 or 8 and he won't take no for an answer? When he wants to know why he can NEVER do x,y or z with Papa K? When he wants to know why he always stays at Papa B and Gramma C's, but never with Nana and Papa? What then? Could I seriously have thought that saying those weak little words "Papa is sick" would somehow leave him understanding what my 30+ years of life, and being bombarded by and living through all the ugly faces of alcoholism has taught me? How will there not be pain for him when he wonders why Papa can't just love him enough to NOT drink? Did I think he would not wonder that same thing that I myself have wondered a million times over?

I truly believe that I am here in this life and that I chose these parents because *I* will be the one who breaks the chain, the one who chooses the other path. But how could I have thought that there would be no pain for my children? There is no escaping the pain when you are on the path of leaving your family's legacy of alcoholism behind...and regardless of the shortsightedness of my previous thinking that the pain would end with me; that *I* was the end of that legacy, it is obvious that my children are REALLY going to have to be the end. Hopefully my choices, which were shaped through my own pain, along with my children's choices learned through their own different, but equal pain, can allow my grandchildren to be the ones who won't have to learn the lessons through pain. They hopefully can learn to live healthy, productive lives simply because that is the ONLY thing that they know and see in their immediate family.

And although that thought brings me hope and joy, it does not ease the sorrow I feel for my own children. It does not answer the question of 'what's my plan NOW?' How am I going to help ease their pain? I'm tired. Tired of the alcoholism. Tired of thinking about it and seeing it and figuring out how to live through it. Tired of feeling guilty and disappointed and embarrassed and sad and mad because of it. I would so much like to brush it under the rug, but I keep tripping on the bump it creates. I cannot even look at my father these days, which makes me feel so sad and guilty and angry. I see in his eyes that he knows; he knows that I can hardly stand to look at him, and he knows why, and it hurts him SO BAD...I can see all that in his eyes, and it makes me SO FUCKING angry at him for knowing it and allowing me to feel so guilty because I cannot muster the strength to say it all out loud.

I only wanted to spare my children this pain...this unfair, unrelenting pain caused by the actions of our loved ones which we have no control over. This realization of my flawed plan has dampened my heart...

Just Breathe

W got laid off yesterday.

"You might as well go sign up for unemployment" they said "we don't have anything for you."

We knew it was coming. I guess we really were living in denial, just hoping that maybe, oh maybe it wouldn't come. But really? We were just kidding ourselves.

Believe it or not, I am actually *not* freaking out. Yet anyway. I was actually somewhat giddy last night? Laughing a lot. On the surface it probably sounded like genuine laughter...but I suspect if you listened closely, underneath you would hear the laughter of someone teetering on the edge...one of those laughs that starts out great but winds itself up into a jittery, desperate cackling laugh...

I am not freaking out because for the moment, we will be okay. We can survive with my income and W's measly unemployment disbursement for awhile. We have a little money in the bank (and I do mean *little*, but a little is a little better than *none*, right?) and this will really give me a chance to see how serious and dedicated I/we are to our new path to financial peace. If we live below our means, we can make it for awhile. (Why the hell weren't we living below our means when it would have meant we could save for a time like this? THAT is the ultimate question, and is exactly what our path to financial peace is all about...I think I am ready for my heart change, Dave Ramsey.)

I am REALLY hoping that my calculations were wrong, and that we will eek out some kind of tax return this year to help us out in the interim also, but I am not going to count on it. We don't usually get much, compared to a lot of people I know, but we usually get a grand or so, which would be great right now. But it seems that W's work had him down for 2 exemptions for state and fed this year, instead of the 0 or 1 we thought he was claiming, so not looking so good. Ah well, better that we keep our money throughout the year and not let the gvmnt use it all year I guess.

I think the reason I am not freaking out yet is because I am not thinking beyond that. I am not thinking about the prospect that the residential housing market could be in the dumps for a lot longer than just a little bit...not thinking about the fact that this layoff may not last for just a few months...not thinking about what might happen should my husband, who possesses only a high school education, and who has only ever worked in the manufacturing or construction trades, have to look for a different job when every line of work he has ever done is struggling just as much as the construction industry.

W is going to check out a few leads today. Thankfully, he does have a few things to check on and hopefully something will come through.

So for now, I am just going to breathe. What else can I do?

Snippets of life stuff...

It is getting noticeably lighter on my drive to work in the mornings...A reminder that this bitter cold, dark, restricting winter cannot last forever. Warm, green, light times full of birth and growth and fresh garden goodies and evening walks to the duck pond with L and picnics and Farmers' Markets and parades and BBQ's and bare toes in soft grass and lazy days in the sun WILL return.

*SIGH*

I must just be patient for a bit longer. It is on the horizon.

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Maybe it was the noticeably lighter drive, or the fact that the final tendrils of the flu have finally left our house, but I felt absolutely WONDERFUL on the way to work this morning...Better than I have felt in so long. I felt that 'pregnancy glow' you hear about.

I have decided that I am definitely NOT a person who loves being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome of it, and I do love PARTS of it; feeling the baby move inside of me, knowing that I am literally growing a life inside of me, the wonderful primal sense of empowerment that comes with labor and childbirth (think I am woman, hear me ROAR!), but for the most part, I could REALLY REALLY just skip this part and go right to the wonderful prize at the end. I am definitely feeling SUPER inpatient this time, and decidedly more selfish about giving my body over to this baby for 10 months + however long she/he decides to nurse, and definitely NOT reveling in the attention which is piled upon pregnant women from everyone from family to complete strangers. All of these feelings make me feel incredibly guilty. I *KNOW* the pain of wanting it SO BAD and feeling like it will never happen. I *KNOW* the pain of finally succeeding only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you just as soon as you settle into feeling comfortable and happy in your success. I *KNOW* how I would have liked to seriously murder a pregnant woman who would say these things when I was on the other side trying so desperately to get in. So I hate that I feel impatient and selfish.

This morning, though, in my moment of basking in the 'pregnancy glow' I did not feel any of these things...I was thinking about how wonderful it was going to be to feel this baby start to move around inside of me...to get to know her/his sleep and waking patterns and to see how this baby behaves differently or the same as L did in the womb. I felt really good about being right where I am at in this pregnancy, and so I only hope that as I continue to feel better in this second trimester I can continue to just sit back and enjoy this time and really relish it as probably the last time that I will ever experience growing a human being inside of me.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize...

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I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio for awhile now and his guidelines and financial ideals really make sense. I have been wanting to get his book(s), and have REALLY been needing to get a handle on our money situation. We really need to actively start controlling our money, rather than wondering where the heck it goes. We should absolutely be able to have a safety net in savings much larger than what we have (we have one mortgage payment, which I realize is more than most people have, but it is really not enough.) I should not have to dread balancing the check book and paying the bills, at least not as much as I do now.

It is partly my fault...I have really been slacking on buying food for lunches for W and letting him eat fast food for lunch every day. Partly my fault for not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough, and MAKING him be accountable for the money he spends...partly my fault for marrying someone SO OPPOSITE me in our financial ideals and who has never really had to be responsible or pay attention to where to money goes (neither before his relationship with me nor since the start of it) and for never MAKING him have to take part in the responsibility of figuring out how to pay all the bills on time...We both know and have always known that were something to break up our relationship, it would be financial dischord...

So last night I sat down and did a budget. And I MADE him be a part of it. I MADE him go through it with me and SEE where the numbers come from and where the numbers go...I have done this before, and have always gotten to a point where I was tired of fighting with him on it, and we have fallen back into our same old ways. But this time, it HAS to be followed through. Things are going to be tighter than they ever have once this new baby arrives...Things beyond our control are more uncertain than ever, and we are LITERALLY one set back or disaster away from becoming a statistic. Although we may be 'okay' now, and not struggle as much as so many other people I know, we are by no means financially secure, and it is time for us to buckle down and face reality just like so many others need to do right now.

So we came to some agreements. And although I know it will still be more in my court to ensure that we both follow through, I AM making him become partly responsible for managing his money...He will no longer have his check card (something we BOTH know he is just not capable of using responsibly, as he has no connection to what's ACTUALLY left in the account) but will be getting a set amount of money each week IN CASH, and he will have to make it last and once it's gone, it's gone. I have been kind enough (as an ex-smoker) to keep his cigarettes in the budget as a necessity and they will be covered, but energy drinks and beer and whatever else he spends his freaking money on come out of his small cash allowance and once it's gone, too bad.

Sometimes I REALLY REALLY hate the fact that I have to treat him like a child in this aspect, rather than a partner...I hate that he isn't more on the same page financially as me, I hate that he is so laid back about it all and so "Oh, it will work itself out" about it (because IT doesn't just work itself out, it NEVER has, *I* work it all out) and that really, he is so immature about it. But this is who he is...he is very laid back about most everything in life, which is part of what attracts me to him...he balances my unrelenting uptightedness (is that a word??) and helps me let loose and laugh...and I knew this when I married him, and I married him despite of and because of this, all at the same time. But sometimes it is SO frustrating and tiring and makes me wonder...SIGH.

But I am hopeful and determined that this time it will stick and that he WILL learn to be at least a LITTLE bit responsible and a little bit more of a partner in this with me...And I bought a used copy of one of Dave Ramsey's books to help keep me on track and help keep me motivated.

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Oh, oh I forgot...I saw the most annoying commercial last night...annoying on so many levels.

It was for a tax debt relief company, you know 'Do you owe the IRS money? Well we can help!' and there were all these people saying 'We owed the IRS $17,000, but we only PAID $2,000!' 'We owed the IRS $200,000 but we only PAID $8,000!' and the best of all 'We owed the IRS $3 Million but we PAID less than $1 million!!"

Every admission was followed by this happy, coniving smile.

SERIOUSLY? If you owe the IRS $2K or $17K or ESPECIALLY $3 MILLION, you are obviously making some money and you have OBVIOUSLY been doing something ILLEGAL by AVOIDING PAYING YOUR FUCKING TAXES in the FIRST place, and you are PROUD that you got away with ILLEGALLY AVOIDING TAXES and THEN strapping the REST of us who PAY our taxes with your burden as you snake your way out of paying taxes that you should have paid in the first place????

Am I the only one who sees something morally wrong with this? I mean, c'mon, we all look for every break we can get when it comes to taxes, but I definitely don't AVOID my taxes and I pay my share and I definitely find it morally not acceptable to illegally avoid taxes and then brag about how I hired a fucking lawyer to beg, borrow and steal my way out of paying taxes that I evaded in the first place.

UGH, pissed me off.

An Inside Job

As soon as I posted that last post, this song came on my yahoo station. I LOVE it, and it is definitely fitting right now.

R, it also made me think of you.


Pearl Jam

"Inside Job"

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame

Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today,... I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well,...

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all,.. human light.

How I choose to feel,... is how I am.
How I choose to feel,... is how I am.

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again.

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire
Life comes from within my heart and desire
Life comes from within you heart and desire

To break the cycle

I hate alcoholism.

I can't say that I hate alcohol really, although I don't drink myself (save for an EXTREMELY rare Mike's Hard or a bit of wine), I do know that there are people who can have a few drinks and relax and go on with life.

Unfortunately, I have been surrounded in this life by those that CAN'T have just a few drinks and relax and go on with life. Maybe they started out that way, but they found something that easily filled voids that they desperately needed to fill. Something that, due to misfires in their brain or whacked out receptors or some chemical imbalance, they cannot enjoy in moderation, but continually and habitually take to the extreme.

My maternal grandmother's father was an acoholic.

My grandmother went on to marry an acoholic, my mom's dad. He was a MEAN MEAN alcoholic who kept his bottle next to his bed so he could take shots when he woke up at night. Who took a flask with him in the car to work and drank all day, every day. A man whose alcoholism brought out his demons which he unleashed on his family verbally and emotionally (and probably physically too).

My mom went on to marry a similar alcoholic. My dad has mellowed in his older age and his progressed disease, but he unleashed his fair share of demons on us throughout our lives. He never physically abused us (my brother and I), but I have at least a handful of vivid memories of him attacking my mom. I remember lots of nights spent on the stairs, sitting just at the edge of where the wall opened up, listening to them scream at each other, waiting to hear it turn physical, at which time I would run down and yell at him to leave her alone. I remember wetting the bed till I was like 10, and all the trips to the doctors and no one being able to say why it was happening. Simple answer; I was so tired by the time I returned to bed after my nightly vigil that I just couldn't get out of bed when I had to go...(I remember waking and thinking I need to go to the bathroom and picturing myself walking to the bathroom and going; I guess I just never made it out of bed.) I remember as we got a little older (and braver) screaming downstairs "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE GOTTA GET UP FOR SCHOOL!!!" I remember them getting in screaming matches over something they disagreed about on the news?! I remember what I believed to be the last time my father got physical with mom (it was the last time he did it in front of us), and how my brother went off; broke a chair and screamed at them, and then locked himself in the bathroom. The physical seemed to stop after that, but the verbal continued.

(I later learned from my mom that that *wasn't* the last time, but that the physical stopped shortly after that when she finally fought back one night.)

My mom has her own issues with alcohol. She doesn't think she is an alcoholic because she doesn't drink ALL DAY, yet she drinks most EVERY day, and 'catches a buzz' most every day. She doesn't get as drunk as my dad, and she can abstain (like when she takes care of L) but the tendency is definitely there. Just because you are not falling down drunk every day does not mean there isn't a dependence there...

The two families that I grew up closest to had their own, somewhat similar somewhat different, issues with alcoholism. It just seemed normal to me that parents drank every night. And not just came home and had a drink or two, but got DRUNK, every night. Growing up around the bar like I did, it was just all around me. Alcohol was just an every day part of life. I didn't realize (sadly) until I was a teenager that there are A LOT of families that aren't like that.

My brother also has the tendencies. He is one who DEFINITELY cannot just have one or two; when he drinks, he gets PLOWED. He went through a phase in his twenties where he was drinking constantly. I hated him so much for that. It had always been him and I against the world, and we had hated what we grew up with SO MUCH, and how could he GO THERE? I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped letting him crash at our place, and I never stopped taking care of him (as much as it caused friction with W and I at times) but I really hated that person he was becoming. Thankfully, he has beautiful daughters and a wife and enough going on in life to keep him away from that life, but I have no doubts that the seed remains within him, and without care and vigilance, and presented with the right circumstances, he could easily wind up down that road.

I am no angel. I definitely have done my share of self medicating with substances, mine just happened to not be alcohol. It definitely ventured beyond experimentation at times, into the realm of addiction. Given the right (horrible) circumstances, I am sure it would not be impossible for me to fall into a life of addiction if I lost sight.

W's dad drank his fair share while W was growing up. There were other issues in his family that led him to also do some self medicating and experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, and he also drifted beyond the experimentation phase at times in his life. There was a time, after we had been together for about 6 years, before we got married, that I questioned if I wanted to be with him. He was drinking pretty heavily, on a daily basis, and although I loved him, and the thought of leaving seemed impossible, I KNEW that I did not want to marry my father. I had made myself a promise YEARS before, that I FULLY, without a doubt, intended to keep, and that was that I would NOT, no matter what, let my children grow up thinking that getting drunk every night was 'normal'. I would NOT continue the cycle. It was a hard time in my life. But, we talked, and I let it all out, and he made changes, and he grew, and I do not doubt that we were put together in this life to help each other.

When I was 20, a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver who had a record of drunk driving offenses.

I have watched kids I grew up with take their experiences and react in different ways...some have taken the lessons, and like me, vowed to break the chain. Some have taken the lessons and set them aside and will inevitably continue to cycle.

Alcoholism never seems to back down...it is consistant in my life. It continues to knock on my door, no matter how many times I tell it is not welcome. It won't let me be. Now, it has returned in the form of my friend who has relapsed after so many years of being strong. It has and continues to cause me so much heartbreak. I hate it.

And yet, I know that its ever annoying presence serves a purpose. I AM intended to break the cycle. I DID choose this life, and these parents and these people who surround me and these challenges because I AM the catalyst for change.

And yet, knowing this does not make it any easier. I know I need to reach out to my friend who is struggling, and I know I will, but I just need some time to process this. Some time to work through the ANGER at the alcoholism that this current situation has re-ignited. And time to remember that I chose this because I *can* help make change, I *am* meant to break the cycle.

I may have the worst immune system of anyone I know...

It could have been something I ate yesterday, I spose. Hmmmm, I had Eggs with toast for breakfast...the butter and eggs were fresh. I had a few bites of my mom's left over hot dish for lunch; it was from Thursday night, and we had eaten some on Friday and no one got sick, so shouldn't be that...For supper I made a beef roast. That should have been okay. Looked fine when I was putting it in the pan. And then there was the apple crisp that I made last night.

So, either some of that food was the culprit, or I am coming down with the flu. I have felt nauseous all morning, and as the day goes I am starting to feel worse.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. I am going to take the afternoon off and go home and sleep for a bit before I go pick up L.

I could possibly have the worst immune system of anyone I know. Or maybe I am just a wimp. Could be that, too. I hate being sick. As soon as I feel it coming on I get pissed off. That probably doesn't help with the whole 'mind over matter' trick.

Hopefully it is just a 24 hour thing.

Okay, done whining. For now.

Why must they - Part 2

I hate it when people have their fax machine set to automatically send the SAME FAX multiple times, and you go over to the fax machine and it has needlessly printed off 3 copies of the same stupid 5 page fax! SERIOUSLY people. Remember those 3 R's we talked about? Yeah.

So, that little incident got me thinking about another one of my pet peeves which is when people leave the water running full blast while they brush their teeth. My lovely husband does this all the time, and it drives.me.nuts. I will be standing there getting ready and he will come in to brush his teeth and leave that water just runnin' away, and I reach over and turn it off. I can't help myself. It's just unnecessary, and so easily NOT done.

One day he said "That really drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

"Yes honey, it does"

Well guess what, internet? The other day we were standing there getting ready and he actually turned the faucet off! I couldn't believe it. Maybe I will get through to him yet :0)

I don't need to turn him into a total tree hugger, just get him to do the simple things that, if we ALL do them, will add up to alot of eco-friendly benefit. Hell, *I'M* not even a total tree hugger...Take global warming; I definitely think we contribute to global warming, but do not for one second believe that we are the SOLE CAUSE of the current climate change. We are such a blip on the life span of the Earth. The Earth has gone through many extreme times of climate change in the past that had nothing to do with man.

I do, however, ABSOLUTELY believe that we have an obligation to impact our Earth as little as possible, and it just irritates me when people are too lazy to do even the simplist actions that WILL have a positive impact.

I of course, am not claiming to be perfect. I don't expect perfection. I only ask for effort.


Okay, done ranting.

It was a great feeling to have manifested that change of behavior in my husband.

Sweet release

So, despite my promise to myself that I wasn't going to get wrapped up in the whole 'trying' to conceive this time around, I have been unable to completely not pay attention to my cycle. Last month I did really well, the only thing I paid attention to was how long my cycle was. This month, I paid a little bit more attention, and actually went on to figure out approximately when I would ovulate, which happens to be sometime this week (I actually think it was yesterday). So, I made more of an effort to make sure we have been doing the necessary deed a little bit more this week :) I have found myself getting excited and thinking about being pregnant, and checking what my expected due date would be should I get pregnant this month.


(Which would be mid July, right around W's birthday, which feels right to me...then we would have one Capricorn like me and one Cancer like W...although I had always thought a daughter would be the Cap and a son the Cancer ;0) )



Even though I have found myself unintentionally paying more attention, it has NONE of the desperation that accompanied the efforts last time, which is SUCH a relief. I know it is because we have L, and at least we know it DOES work, unlike last time when we suffered multiple losses and were getting scared that maybe it wasn't ever going to work 'right'. So, it feels good! It feels good to have the attitude of "Whatever; when it happens, it happens".


I have been feeling at odds with myself over the whole getting pregnant again thing though. With my inclination to be a control freak and to get anxious over financial issues (whether it is justified or not) part of me has been worried about the future (due to the current economical situation) and questioning the timing. As much as I know that it will happen when it is sposed to, and that it will never seem like the 'perfect' time and that no matter what, it *WILL* work out, I have trouble just letting go.



(It is something I have always struggled with. I am a control freak. I like plans and schedules and order and no surprises. Maybe that partially explains my attraction to pot; it has allowed me to 'let go' and relax, without at the same time loosing control...)



But today, as I was driving back from a jobsite, I had this feeling of peace come over me, as I thought about the possibility that at this VERY MOMENT, sperm and egg could be joining and starting the process of creating what will be a baby; OUR baby. Another human being that is part W and part me...Another light in our life. I felt calm and happy and at peace with whatever tomorrow may bring.



Amidst all of the anxiety I have been fighting back, really for the last year plus (which has only gotten more intense will all the recent crap, which could make the next year even more anxiety inducing than last year) it was a much needed feeling of sweet release.

Intimidating? Me? Really??!?

I have a career in a male dominated field, both on the labor end of the industry as well as the professional end. So I spose that it takes a strong and confident woman to hold her own amongst all of the 'good old boys', alot of whom, unfortunately, believe it should stay the domain of men. I have had to prove myself, again and again, which I obviously have done as evidenced by the fact that

A) I am still here.

B) I have experienced more than a few male collegues change their attitudes towards me as they have realized that I know what I am doing and I am here to stay.

C) I have been told personally by other companies that I deal with on a regular basis that they appreciate what I do and that they enjoy working with me.

So I know and acknowledge that I am CAPABLE of surviving in this position, but I guess I have never realized or thought that I could actually be INTIMIDATING (I am fully aware of the fact that I can be a BITCH sometimes, but that is not the same IMO, as being intimidating). So the other day when a co-worker in my office told me just that, that "you ARE a bit intimidating, you know" I thought to myself "No, I guess I DON'T know that".

I mean, I realized I was intimidating to the old VP (who is now retired, thank goddess) because I was a YOUNG woman in a 'man's' world who very much had an opinion and was not afraid to express it, which he didn't like at all...He truely was one of the 'good old boys' who thought women should be seen and not heard, and I REALLY believe the only reason he hired me was because they had been looking to fill the position for QUITE some time and I was the only one who had applied. I believe to the bottom of my heart that had there been a man applying for the job as well, even a COMPLETELY unqualified man, that I would not be here today.

And I guess there are a few other good old boys that don't like me, and it MUST be that they are intimidated by a woman who can function comfortably among them as I cannot think of any other reason that they would not like me. (As I re-read this, I found this to come off as arrogant...They could possibly just not like me because they don't like me as a person, I know there are un-likable things about me, but I meant to convey that I cannot think of anything I have done in a professional sense working with them that would give them cause to not like me. I have never been disrespectful to them, or screwed up a project we worked on together, etc etc. I have probably been a bit defensive off the bat with a couple of them, as I immediately get the vibes from them that I cannot know what I am doing since I am a woman, which rightfully irritates me...)

But other than that, I don't FEEL intimidating!! Often times, I feel like the one being intimidatED! It may not show, but it is true! I often have to remind myself that I am strong and smart and FULLY CAPABLE and worthy and VALUABLE. There are a few people I work with on a regular basis that would come to mind with the word intimidating, and I don't feel comparable to those people in that aspect at all!

The more I think about it, the more I can think of times that people have expressed this to me, but it is one of those things that are really hard to believe about ourselves...

The fact of the matter is that it comes back to being able to not only recognize but ACKNOWLEDGE and utilize my strengths to their fullest potential; have faith in myself and what I can accomplish.

I am woman, hear me roar ;0)

Re-writing my life...

I am not having very much luck eloquently expressing the stuff that is swimming around my head the last couple of days; the few moments I have sat down to try and post all that came us was a bunch of really badly written junk. Then I read pisceshanna's post, Erase your life and thought I would try it on for myself. So here goes my shot at erasing and rewriting my life...

In my new life, I have made my hobby my career, and I get to take photos of people and places and things and get PAID for it. I no longer have to work for silver spoon babies who have no idea what real life struggles are. I am home with L most days, but still send him to daycare or to nana and papa's occasionally so he can hang with his cousins and his friends and so we both get a break from each other. I make my own schedule, and have completely erased the daily grind of a 9-5 job from my mind.

In my new life, J has a job that he loves, and that pays him what he is worth. He gets home at a decent time every night, and we get lots of quality time together. He doesn't come home with callouses on his hands and feet, and he doesn't get out of bed and fall over as his hip seizes up.

In my new life, my dad is a recovering alcoholic, and instead of wallowing in failed dreams and biding his time drinking himself to death he is healthy and happy and spends lots of quality time with L. He and mom have been able to retire, and they do lots of camping and traveling in the RV. Mom and I have an AWESOME relationship, and I don't feel ashamed of or disappointed in them.

In my new life, my best friend R and her children are happy and healthy and have a calm and peaceful life that they so deserve. They smile and laugh and play.

In my new life I have enough time to keep in touch with all of my friends on a regular basis. We have time to do lunch or coffee or just hang out.

In my new life I am back to the body I had when I got married complete with breasts that came through pregnancy and breast feeding like champs and are still perky and plump and stay up where they are sposed to be!! I no longer suffer from this damn adult acne (WTH is this shit anyway?? I never had acne as a teen, why now?) and the belly ring that I lost to emergency surgery has been restored. Most importantly, I am able to recognize that I am SMOKIN' hot and appreciate my womanly curves, but I am humble enough to still come off as the hot chic who doesn't realize she is.

In my new life, J and I have the steamy sex life of 20 year olds just discovering each others bodies...

Alright, back to reality...I have things to get done, and a bed to crawl into so I can get up and live my REAL life tomorrow...BUT, this post has made me realize that some of the things in my 're-written life' are attainable in this life, and I just need to work on making them happen...

The 'f-bomb'

So there's this guy at my work who really hardly EVER swears. Which is pretty much the opposite of me. I try not too, but I was (practically) raised in a bar, or so it felt from my perspective as a child, so it's not my fault, I swear (hehe). Sometimes I go through phases were I tone it down quite a bit, but then I am at it again. I don't swear in front of my child or other people's children (save for the rare occasion that one slips if I get worked up over something). I mean, I am very professional when I need to be, and I know how to behave respectably in many various settings, but when I am amongst my FRIENDS it is not rare for different swear words to intermingle into my conversation.

Back to my point. When this guy swears, you KNOW he is PISSED. MAN, does it have an IMPACT when he swears. He dropped an f-bomb the other day, and I almost had to take a trip to the ER for whiplash, I swear my head whipped around so fast when I heard that come out of his mouth!

My old boss at the bar is that way too...If I EVER heard a swear word come out of his mouth, I high tailed it the other way, and really hoped I wasn't the one it was aimed at, cuz he is a big teddy bear, but if you hear him swearing, you best run.

*I* want to be like that...I want people to be like "WHOA" if they hear me drop an f-bomb. I think I'd like to work on that.