Sweet release

So, despite my promise to myself that I wasn't going to get wrapped up in the whole 'trying' to conceive this time around, I have been unable to completely not pay attention to my cycle. Last month I did really well, the only thing I paid attention to was how long my cycle was. This month, I paid a little bit more attention, and actually went on to figure out approximately when I would ovulate, which happens to be sometime this week (I actually think it was yesterday). So, I made more of an effort to make sure we have been doing the necessary deed a little bit more this week :) I have found myself getting excited and thinking about being pregnant, and checking what my expected due date would be should I get pregnant this month.


(Which would be mid July, right around W's birthday, which feels right to me...then we would have one Capricorn like me and one Cancer like W...although I had always thought a daughter would be the Cap and a son the Cancer ;0) )



Even though I have found myself unintentionally paying more attention, it has NONE of the desperation that accompanied the efforts last time, which is SUCH a relief. I know it is because we have L, and at least we know it DOES work, unlike last time when we suffered multiple losses and were getting scared that maybe it wasn't ever going to work 'right'. So, it feels good! It feels good to have the attitude of "Whatever; when it happens, it happens".


I have been feeling at odds with myself over the whole getting pregnant again thing though. With my inclination to be a control freak and to get anxious over financial issues (whether it is justified or not) part of me has been worried about the future (due to the current economical situation) and questioning the timing. As much as I know that it will happen when it is sposed to, and that it will never seem like the 'perfect' time and that no matter what, it *WILL* work out, I have trouble just letting go.



(It is something I have always struggled with. I am a control freak. I like plans and schedules and order and no surprises. Maybe that partially explains my attraction to pot; it has allowed me to 'let go' and relax, without at the same time loosing control...)



But today, as I was driving back from a jobsite, I had this feeling of peace come over me, as I thought about the possibility that at this VERY MOMENT, sperm and egg could be joining and starting the process of creating what will be a baby; OUR baby. Another human being that is part W and part me...Another light in our life. I felt calm and happy and at peace with whatever tomorrow may bring.



Amidst all of the anxiety I have been fighting back, really for the last year plus (which has only gotten more intense will all the recent crap, which could make the next year even more anxiety inducing than last year) it was a much needed feeling of sweet release.