Blood pressure...

So my last pregnancy, I was tooling along just fine, everything was great, and then I went in for a check up at 23 weeks, and all of a sudden my blood pressure had jumped, from it's nice and steady 120/60 up to around 150/80. Doc says

Hmmmm...blood pressure has been fine, but now is jumping up...Did you do anything strenuous this morning?

Nope.

Well, we're gonna have to watch that...I want to see you back in two weeks, and if it hasn't gone down, I may have to put you on bedrest.

WHAH?????

So whatever, I go on for the next two weeks, feeling fine, sure that it was a fluke. Go back for my appt two weeks later, nurse takes my pressure, 165/90...doc comes in and says...

Blood pressure isn't good, sorry, but your done working.

WHAH???

Like, I'm done working for a week or so until we get it under control with rest and meds or what-not?

No, like you're done until after you have this baby...

WHAH??? I am done working at 25 weeks??? Just like that? I left work today in the middle of a big bid, expecting to come back tomorrow and work for another 3 months till I have my baby, but now I am just done, just like that? OMG, what am I going to tell my work?

So, life goes on. I called work, and told them I was on doctor ordered bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy, and they were great...they were very understanding, and actually helped me out in addition to being understanding...Luckily, I had taken out a short term disability plan with a benefit period of 3 months, which I had intended on having for the sole purpose of being able to take additional time off after the baby was born. Luckily for us I had taken it out, because it paid my salary for the 3 months I was on bedrest. There wasn't any left over for after the baby was born, but between using PTO and budgeting, I was still able to take my 3 months off after L was born.

I was lucky last time...My blood pressure was pretty well controlled through meds and partial bedrest, and it never went beyond that into pre eclampsia or eclampsia, which can be very detrimental to mom and baby...I made it to 38 weeks, and L was born healthy. As soon as I had him, my blood pressure returned to normal.

I was hoping that maybe this pregnancy would be different, but I am getting worried that it may not be...When I went in at 6.5 weeks for my early appointment (which I have because of my history of ectopic pregnancy) my blood pressure was 130/70. Not bad, but ALREADY CREEPING. Last time it was great until 24 weeks...now it is ALREADY creeping...I mentioned this to my dr when she came in and she said she expects it to go up during this pregnancy and for us to be doing tests (that would be urine protein tests, where I have to collect my pee for a 24 hour period in a jug and bring it in for them to test - fun!) and to be watching me...That's fine and dandy, but I am worried I am going to end up on bedrest earlier this time.

Last week I got a headache...I never get headaches, and a headache that doesn't go away with tylenol can be a sign of high bp...I took some tylenol and went to bed. It was gone the next morning, but it still got my brain going...I took my bp at one of those little pharmacy testing machines today, and it was 150/85! UGH! Could be partly cuz I just walked from the back of the parking lot and across the whole store, but still...

I am worried that I am going to end up on bedrest from my 12 week appt on or some crazy crap! Don't get me wrong; I do NOT want to risk the health of my baby, or myself, but OMG, what am I going to tell work? Sorry, I need 10 mos off? (7 for the rest of the pregnancy and the 3 I am taking afterward) Luckily, this time, I took out a 6 month short term disability benefit period, which means technically we would be getting the amount equal to my take home pay for the majority of my bedrest, which we should be able to make it on, but I forgot that I have daycare costs taken out of my check pre-tax, so when I figured what benefit amount we should apply for I didn't take that into account, so daycare costs would come out of that amount and I know I am getting ahead of myself, but UGH! And what if W were to get laid off on top of me being on bedrest and had to go on unemployment and was making less than 50% what he makes at work?!? Then what?

And I am worried with it starting so early that it may progress into worse this time...I never had protein in my urine last time, which is good, that meant that it was not progressing to toxemia, but maybe if it starts earlier it will this time?

I'm just scared.

Hopefully it will just be boarderline, and I can convince her to try and treat it with meds, but let me keep working for a bit...maybe it will stay boarderline and I can work something out with work to work from home part time or something for as long as possible...I know they would probably go for something like that...I am hoping they are as willing to help me this time as they were last time. I just worry that with the state of the economy and how we are slower now than we were last time I was pregnant that they will be less helpful and understanding...

I also know this is premature to be thinking about, but if I DO have problems again in this pregnancy, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be our last baby...

UGH.

My friend L really believes that the energy that we put out there is what comes back to us...that we create our own reality per se...I am really going to put faith in that and try to meditate and relax and put it out there to the universe that ALL WILL BE WELL...

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...

I can't believe Christmas is here already...with L's 2nd birthday right around the corner. Doesn't seem possible. And yet, it is.

I am really looking forward to Christmas; L doesn't understand it yet, but he recognizes Santa, and says "ho ho Mewy Qwimas" and I think when we start opening presents he is going to get excited about all of the stuff he is getting.

I really didn't get him much from us; between the three sets of grandparents, my brother and SIL, great grandma, great aunts on my FIL's side, family friends on my parents side, etc etc he is going to get way more STUFF than I am comfortable with anyway, so we only got him 3 things, one of which we bought on sale last year, and the other two only cost me a total of $10. Plus about $10 worth of stuff for his stocking.

W and I didn't get each other anything this year, since I got my vacuum and he his drill in the last month, plus our new carpet, we figured that was plenty for us. I did get him some of his favorite candy for his stocking, though :0)

I am really looking forward to spending time with our families this week. Tonight we are getting together with my mom and dad and my brother and his family. Tomorrow we go to a couple of private Christmas parties held in the little town where I grew up; the little bar (THIS bar) and the supper club open for a few hours for the locals / regular customers, have free snacky food and a couple of free drink tickets, and I LOVE it because I get to see a bunch of people I have known my whole life but only see at this one time each year (which is really enough for most of them hehe). I love catching up with people and showing off my little L. We have done this on Christmas Eve for as long as I can remember, and it really is a huge part of Christmas tradition for me.

(Oh, and the woman whom this letter was written to will be there tomorrow and I am excited to see her and her family. We have not had the chance to talk since she recieved the letter, but she had called and left me a very nice message that she really appreciated the letter, that it made her cry, that I really mean a lot to her as well, and that she was going to keep the letter, and thanks. Her father also said some kind words to me when I saw him shortly after. I could tell that it had touched them in just the way I had hoped it would. So I am excited to see her and to share the happiness of my pregnancy with her as well...)

Tomorrow evening, we will head to my mom and dads once again, and have mom's pizza burgers and home made chip dip. Our family friends C & J will be there, and I love them so and am so excited to see them as it has been quite a while.

Christmas morning we will spend a little time with just the three of us and have L open his few gifts. At noon we head to W's dad and his wife's house for lunch with their side of the family...it is small; there are only about 10 of us. There we have the whole traditional Christmas meal; ham, potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, fruit salad, some of uncle A's home made pickles, pie and ice cream. Thankfully we don't have anywhere to go that evening, cuz after that I really just need to go lay on the couch!!

On Saturday afternoon we get together with W's dad and his wife only and have our own private little Christmas. And on Sunday afternoon we head over to W's mom's house for dinner with her and her boyfriend. She is making her homemade pizza, which is, of course, to die for.

It gets to be a lot, and I am always thankful when it is over, but I love it.

I hope everyone has family and friends to spend at least some time with this Holiday (and that they find at least SOME joy in it...I know not everyone looks forward to getting together with family).

Then it is L's birthday next week.

WOW.

2 years already.

How did that happen?


And the baby...

It is starting to become more real to me now. With L, I felt an instant attachment. From the second I knew I was pregnant I felt a bond...With this baby, it is feeling different. I know when I start feeling her move and become aware of her with me constantly (in ways other than the fact that I feel like shit) that the bond will form. I am feeling the usual nervousness of having enough room in my heart to love another the way I love L; and am feeling worried that it won't feel as special with this one, but I know that all those fears will be for naught, and that I will love this one just as much as I love L as soon as I hold her in my arms...

(NO, I do not know that this baby is a girl, but I HATE that people feel it is okay to default to 'he' when talking about a baby in the womb, but get weirded out or laugh when I use the 'she' default, and so, of course, I like to default to 'she'...and YES, I do hope this one is a girl, but will be completely happy with another boy...)

This is what the little bean looks like this week:






Not much different but she is now between 1/2"-3/4" long and developing rapidy.

My rules

I always knew that if I was going to have a blog, I didn't want it to be a blog that was just a day to day regurgitation and sickeningly sweet celebration of all the adorable little things my son does. I know alot of people whose blogs are exactly that. All they ever talk about are their children, or that BBQ they went to yesterday.

I wanted my blog to be about more...because *I AM* so much more than just a mom to my child(ren). I wanted to have a place to express all these ideas and thoughts and questions and crap that rolls around in my head. And then sprinkle a little sickeningly sweet celebration of L in the mix, while totally keeping it real ;0)

There are lots of bloggers who do this, if you doubt it, check out her or him or him or her. They all rock. And they definitely talk about their kids, but their blogs are so much more than just that.

So, in my one track pregnancy frame of mind, I am going to try to keep this blog away from being JUST a diary of my pregnancy, but I can make no promises. But like my good friend R said; My blog, My rules.

So, I am 7 weeks + 5 days pregnant and it is amazing to me that this little being inside of me already looks like this:





And amazing how quickly things develop....

Hands at 48 days



Hands at 51 days



And the feet...

51 days



60 days



Amazing, isn't it? Even though the little bean is only 11mm long (think .43 inches, less than 1/2 of an inch...) he or she already has little fingers and toes. And a beating heart. And a few organs. And eyes.

Wow.

The other amazing thing is that a little being less than 1/2 of an inch long can make a full size human being feel like such dogshit.

And that that same human knows it will all be worth it in the end.

The appointment was good...

No flashback needed...I did not end up in emergency surgery as I did on March 8, 2006. The news was good, and all is right in my world...

Except for the 24/7 nausea, although it is to be expected...

And the light headedness, which is also to be expected...

I mean, you can't expect to feel 100% when you are PREGNANT, can you?

Although I read that some women feel 'Wonderful, energetic and radiant'. Really? Where are these supposed women? I don't believe I have ever met one. If they do indeed exist, I would like to see one for myself, so I can puke on her radiant little feet.

I myself feel as far from 'wonderful, energetic and radiant' as one can get. I am EXHAUSTED, cranky, dizzy, and nauseous as I said. I am nauseous when I don't eat, I am nauseous when I do eat. Therein lies my current dilemma. To eat and feel sick or not to eat and feel sick.

So yes, I am pregnant! I am due late July / early August, and we are very excited, and scared shitless! The state of the economy combined with the thought of bringing another member into our family scares me out of my mind, but I have learned that it will all work out no matter what. Somehow it works out.

We told our families this weekend and everyone is very excited, of course. We were going to wait until the holidays, but we decided against it for a couple of reasons, some which will probably come up at a later date, but mainly because *I* couldn't wait! I was excited to share the news, and tired of making excuses for why I have felt like crap.

So there, all is revealed. I will apologize in advance for all of the emotional gushing, baby talk, Too Much Information episodes and pregnancy insanity that is sure to become my blog for the next 8 months. For those of you who have not been pregnant, or had a pregnant significant other, this is sure to be a glimpse into the one track, insane, emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy. I only hope you will still read and like me when we exit the ride...

Oh, and the new carpet FUCKIN' ROCKS. I love it love it love it. Almost makes it feel like a new house. Almost. But all that laboring away with a wanna be wheel barrow was definitely worth it. DEFINITELY.

An appointment...

I have an appointment at 3:30. I will be heading there soon. Things could go one way, the good way, or things could go the other way, the not so good but not the end of the world way, and then my plans for tonite could be drastically different and I could be flashing back to March 8th, 2006.

Here's hoping that things go the good way, and that all is well and right in my world after my appointment, and that my plans of attending my friend S's 10th Anniversary Girl's Holiday Party are realized and no flashbacks need occur...

All of this will make sense soon, I promise. Just trust me and put the good vibes out there my few trusty readers.

Thanks :0)

I promise

to blog soon. Things are busy and crazy and I have stuff to say, but I just can't get to it quite yet.

The Holidays are fast approaching, and my carpet is soon to be installed (YAY!) and I am feeling plain old pooped out trying to get ready for all of it. I haven't even gotten any Christmas cards sent out yet, I want to do the photos ones again, but I haven't even ordered them yet!?! I have to get that done today or tomorrow if I want them to be out by X-mas, and getting and receiving cards is one of my FAVORITE things about the holiday!

I can't wait for all of our family get togethers...L is going to have much fun this year I think! It will be a special year for us :0)

Presents will be sparse this year across the board, and it feels like the Holiday is going to be more focused on what it should be focused on; family, and being thankful for the blessings we have...Amidst all of the economic turmoil, I have REALLY been feeling thankful that we can still think about ordering photo cards to send and that we can put some presents under the tree at all...I know there are LOTS AND LOTS of folks who were probably doing all of that last year that can no longer do those things this year, not to mention those who are struggling to even put food on the table and to heat their homes. I am truly SO VERY GRATEFUL for our situation.

Soon, I will blog more, soon, I promise...

To stop time...

I have been feeling a desperate need as of late to soak up as much time as possible with L. To etch into my memory every cute little mispronounced word or phrase and every tender moment. To bottle them up and pop a cork on them so that in 10 years or 20 years or 30 years I can pop the top and relive these moments as I am living them today. To preserve and protect them from erosion by passing time. To keep this raw emotion intact.

Or better yet, can I please just pause him here, just for a little while longer?

I just know that I am going to blink and he is going to be growing, growing, grown.

I rock with him in the chair, chest to chest, his head on my shoulder, and his feet rest on my shins and dangle down between my legs...Can this possibly be the same baby? The same baby whose head, just yesterday it seems, fit in the palm of my hand? Whom I could hold on my chest with his butt cupped in one hand?

I am once again feeling so overwhelmed by the swift passage of time...

This morning he is standing in the hallway, repeating something over and over as I am in the living room getting ready for us to leave...I thought he was saying basketball, so I bring him his basketball, only to find him pointing at a ladybug and excitedly repeating

"bakey-bug, bakey-bug!!!"

"Yes bud, that's a ladybug"

he points up to the light "Up high!"

"Did he come from up there?"

"Yeah!"

You are getting too smart, my little peanut.

Too smart and too sweet...

Saturday morning we were snuggling on the couch watching some cartoons, as we always do on weekend mornings, and he turns to me out of the blue, puts his hand on my face and says "I wub you, mama" and kissed me on the lips.

The first time he was on the initiating end of that exchange...

I wub you too, L, more than words can say. Surely more than I ever thought possible.

WTF is wrong with people?!

Seriously, there is something fundamentally wrong with our society when something like this happens. WTF is wrong with people?

What fucking "stuff" could be so important that people would crash through the doors and trample a man TO DEATH?

I personally have never been a Black Friday shopper, and this just reinforces why. A bunch of people acting like a bunch of starved, slathering pack dogs circling around dying prey.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

And sad. SO SAD for that man and his family.

All in the name of material 'things'.

What are we coming to?

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I hope you all have family and/or friends to spend tomorrow with, and lots and lots of delicious, fattening food to gorge yourselves on. I know that's my plan; I can't wait for W's uncles ham, his real cooked cranberries (no more jellied cranberries for this girl ;0) ), some pumpkin pie, a little green bean casserole (c'mon, you know you love it. And if you don't know what green bean casserole is, I'm sorry. Truly.)

I love Thanksgiving save for one thing; we have THREE places to go this year. THREE. Usually it's only two, but my brother and his wife decided that they should have Thanksgiving at HER PARENTS house this year and celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday at the same time. Sooo, we will be going over there to watch B open her presents at 11am, jet over to W's uncles at about noon or so to eat at 1pm, probably try to get home and sneak a little nap in for L, and then at 5pm we will be going to dinner at W's dad's wife's family's house (did ya get that? We don't call her his step mom because she is only 5 years older than W.) I am hoping maybe they have some different, yummy food tradition in their family since we have never been to their Thanksgiving dinner before and something different would be cool...

Oh, I almost forgot, tonite we are going to W's mom's house for dinner, and then L will be staying over night there so W and I can go out...it is a pretty big party night in our small town; a lot of people are back in town for the holiday and it is most always a fun night of meeting up with people we haven't seen in a long time.

Needless to say, by about 8pm tomorrow night, L's bedtime, I will be stuffed, bloated, frazzled from running all day, and ready to crash on the couch. I love it.

I hope everyone is feeling equally as bloated, tired, done with family and THANKFUL for all of it as I will be.

Congratulations are in order...

One more thing I have to say today...

Since I have been stuck on the re-curring theme of alcoholism in my life, I have come across it again today.

But today, it is in a good way.

I have had the wonderful luck of 'meeting' this amazing woman in the big blogger world, who celebrated 9 years sober as of yesterday. What an awesome achievement.

So, CONGRATULATIONS, Kori. I really do think you are an amazing woman, and it lifts my spirits to see you reach another year sober. I can only imagine that it is not always easy. I wish you a lifetime of sobriety milestones.

I also wish your entire family peace in your current struggle.

(((hugs)))

Fun facts

I am still feeling all out-of-sorts from finding out about my friend relapsing as well as a more recent development in my life (which I will blog about in the near future) and so my brain is really having a hard time wrapping itself around any type of meaningful blog-able fodder. I have been wanting to do one of these fun fact lists for awhile, so I guess now is as good a time as ever.

1) I am a cat person. I have two, and before L came along, they were my babies.

2) I played the violin for 8 years, still have my violin, and can still squeak off some pleasing notes and read music.

3) My dad's nickname for me growing up was Squirt.

4) I have one brother who is 18 mos older than me whom I love SO SO MUCH. We've been through a lot together, to say the least.

5) When we were growing up, we had a sort of hobby farm...at one time we had 18 outside cats, most of which got killed on the road, but we always had some running around...We also had at some point or another: 4 cows (they got shipped off and butchered and we ate them), chickens (don't know how many, just know it was multiple), whose eggs we collected and ate, bunny I, II, II and probably IV, 2 pigs, a lamb, Mikey, who thought he was a dog, who would scratch on the screen door thinking we would let him in the house like the dogs, a goat (who head-butted me in the ass one time) and dogs...There was Penny and Buffy when I was little, then Buffy had to be put down, then we got Katie, so it was Penny and Katie, then Penny had to go down so we got Amber and it was Amber and Katie when I moved out of my parents house. Both Amber and Katie have now since passed.

6) We also had gerbils for awhile, and they had babies, and I used to have nightmares that those nasty, hairless little babies got loose in the house and it FREAKED.ME.OUT and I wanted to drown the little nasty bastards. I sometimes still have nightmares about hairless rodents infesting my house.

7) I took Spanish for a few years in HS. I still know it fairly well.

8) Before I knew what pot REALLY looked like, we smoked these hollow reeds that we found up our backroad in the woods that we THOUGHT were pot (WTF?!! That was obviously before the whole D.A.R.E. campaign cuz they totally showed us what pot looked like, but by THEN we had figured out our error and already knew what it looked like). They were the harshest thing in the world, and I am sure we thought the headache we got from coughing so hard was from being high. We thought we were so cool. HA!

9) I smoked pot (the real stuff, not weird reeds I found in the woods!) pretty much daily from the time I was 15 until sometime in my early 20's. I still enjoy it on rare occasions, which is MUCH more enjoyable than smoking it every day!

10) I think that if anything should be illegal, it should be alcohol, not marijuana.

11) When I was probably 10 we started stealing my moms cigarette butts and smoking them. One time, my brother and I and a neighbor kid were smoking in the attic of my dad's garage, and my brother left matches on the insulation up there, and my dad found it and ROYALLY chewed our asses and grounded us. For awhile.

12) I have tried LOTS of drugs at least once, but have never done Heroin or PCP.

13) I love to read. That is something I really miss from before L; having the opportunity to just lay on the couch all day on a Sunday, from morning until night, reading. Not doing anything all day except reading.

14) I love Stephen King, and own the majority of his books, and will be sad when he dies and can no longer write books for me to read.

15) I love photography. I hope to continue to practice it as a hobby, with the dream of it being more someday. I think I have a knack for taking good pictures.

16) I have a big mouth, and sometimes I really hate it. Sometimes, things come out that I wish I hadn't said.

17) I have a need to be a part of everything; like at work, we are a small office, and sometimes I can't keep my nose out of whatever is going on, even if it has nothing to do with me. Or like the time in 3rd grade when we had a sub, and someone came into the classroom and asked the sub if so-and-so was there, and I blurted out "NO!" and so-and-so actually WAS there, and the teacher scolded me, and I was SO embarrased. I hate that memory.

18) I really really thought L was a girl the whole time I was pregnant with him. When the Dr. pulled him out and said "It's a boy!" I was shocked and said "It's a boy? Really?" after which I was immediately happy to have a healthy boy. Now, I am glad I had a boy first...there is just something special about mama's little boy!

19) I really want to have a girl next time. Since we think we will stop at 2, I really want to be able to experience raising both.

20) When I was pregnant with L, I was REALLY concerned that my drug use would come back to haunt me in the form of a deformed or disabled child. (NO NO NO, I did not use drugs while pregnant, I meant my high school / early 20's drug use!)

21) In some ways I am more like my mom than I like to admit or acknowledge(see #16 and #17).

22) I have a tendency to be OCD about things. My dishes have a black stripe along one side adn they all have to be lined up and facing the same direction in the cupboard. Clothing and towels must be folded a certain way. Clothing hung on hangers must face a certain direction. I count my steps a lot.

23) I need to be in charge of things. I have control issues. I like to have a plan, and when things don't go according to plan, I don't like it and it throws me out of whack. I hate that about myself.

24) On that same line, I am not good with change what.so.ever. Not even good change. I also hate this about myself.

25) My friend Lynda, whom I have been trying to blog about, was a total free spirit, lived completely in the now, went with the flow. I think that is why I was so attracted to her; she was completely and thouroughly, down to her core, what I could never truly be. I reveled in her free-ness, I basked in the sunlight that was her soul.

26) I *really* loved her. I loved her so deeply that it went beyond any bounds and is different than any love I have felt for any other woman in my life.

27) I miss her.

28) I used to have a re-curring nightmare about a bear chasing me up my driveway, and I would stab it in the shoulder with a nail (WTF?!).

29) I have only broken one bone in my life; my thumb during a softball tournament when I was like 20. I have only had 4 stitches in my life, when I was probably 12, in my knee. I have only had two surgeries; I had a tonsillectomy when I was 26, just before my wedding, and emergency laproscopic surgery when I was 27 to remove an ectopic pregnancy.

I will stop there...29 facts, one for all 29 years of my life. I only get to be 29 for about 7 more weeks, so that seems like a good number.

An Inside Job

As soon as I posted that last post, this song came on my yahoo station. I LOVE it, and it is definitely fitting right now.

R, it also made me think of you.


Pearl Jam

"Inside Job"

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame

Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today,... I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well,...

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all,.. human light.

How I choose to feel,... is how I am.
How I choose to feel,... is how I am.

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again.

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire
Life comes from within my heart and desire
Life comes from within you heart and desire

To break the cycle

I hate alcoholism.

I can't say that I hate alcohol really, although I don't drink myself (save for an EXTREMELY rare Mike's Hard or a bit of wine), I do know that there are people who can have a few drinks and relax and go on with life.

Unfortunately, I have been surrounded in this life by those that CAN'T have just a few drinks and relax and go on with life. Maybe they started out that way, but they found something that easily filled voids that they desperately needed to fill. Something that, due to misfires in their brain or whacked out receptors or some chemical imbalance, they cannot enjoy in moderation, but continually and habitually take to the extreme.

My maternal grandmother's father was an acoholic.

My grandmother went on to marry an acoholic, my mom's dad. He was a MEAN MEAN alcoholic who kept his bottle next to his bed so he could take shots when he woke up at night. Who took a flask with him in the car to work and drank all day, every day. A man whose alcoholism brought out his demons which he unleashed on his family verbally and emotionally (and probably physically too).

My mom went on to marry a similar alcoholic. My dad has mellowed in his older age and his progressed disease, but he unleashed his fair share of demons on us throughout our lives. He never physically abused us (my brother and I), but I have at least a handful of vivid memories of him attacking my mom. I remember lots of nights spent on the stairs, sitting just at the edge of where the wall opened up, listening to them scream at each other, waiting to hear it turn physical, at which time I would run down and yell at him to leave her alone. I remember wetting the bed till I was like 10, and all the trips to the doctors and no one being able to say why it was happening. Simple answer; I was so tired by the time I returned to bed after my nightly vigil that I just couldn't get out of bed when I had to go...(I remember waking and thinking I need to go to the bathroom and picturing myself walking to the bathroom and going; I guess I just never made it out of bed.) I remember as we got a little older (and braver) screaming downstairs "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE GOTTA GET UP FOR SCHOOL!!!" I remember them getting in screaming matches over something they disagreed about on the news?! I remember what I believed to be the last time my father got physical with mom (it was the last time he did it in front of us), and how my brother went off; broke a chair and screamed at them, and then locked himself in the bathroom. The physical seemed to stop after that, but the verbal continued.

(I later learned from my mom that that *wasn't* the last time, but that the physical stopped shortly after that when she finally fought back one night.)

My mom has her own issues with alcohol. She doesn't think she is an alcoholic because she doesn't drink ALL DAY, yet she drinks most EVERY day, and 'catches a buzz' most every day. She doesn't get as drunk as my dad, and she can abstain (like when she takes care of L) but the tendency is definitely there. Just because you are not falling down drunk every day does not mean there isn't a dependence there...

The two families that I grew up closest to had their own, somewhat similar somewhat different, issues with alcoholism. It just seemed normal to me that parents drank every night. And not just came home and had a drink or two, but got DRUNK, every night. Growing up around the bar like I did, it was just all around me. Alcohol was just an every day part of life. I didn't realize (sadly) until I was a teenager that there are A LOT of families that aren't like that.

My brother also has the tendencies. He is one who DEFINITELY cannot just have one or two; when he drinks, he gets PLOWED. He went through a phase in his twenties where he was drinking constantly. I hated him so much for that. It had always been him and I against the world, and we had hated what we grew up with SO MUCH, and how could he GO THERE? I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped letting him crash at our place, and I never stopped taking care of him (as much as it caused friction with W and I at times) but I really hated that person he was becoming. Thankfully, he has beautiful daughters and a wife and enough going on in life to keep him away from that life, but I have no doubts that the seed remains within him, and without care and vigilance, and presented with the right circumstances, he could easily wind up down that road.

I am no angel. I definitely have done my share of self medicating with substances, mine just happened to not be alcohol. It definitely ventured beyond experimentation at times, into the realm of addiction. Given the right (horrible) circumstances, I am sure it would not be impossible for me to fall into a life of addiction if I lost sight.

W's dad drank his fair share while W was growing up. There were other issues in his family that led him to also do some self medicating and experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, and he also drifted beyond the experimentation phase at times in his life. There was a time, after we had been together for about 6 years, before we got married, that I questioned if I wanted to be with him. He was drinking pretty heavily, on a daily basis, and although I loved him, and the thought of leaving seemed impossible, I KNEW that I did not want to marry my father. I had made myself a promise YEARS before, that I FULLY, without a doubt, intended to keep, and that was that I would NOT, no matter what, let my children grow up thinking that getting drunk every night was 'normal'. I would NOT continue the cycle. It was a hard time in my life. But, we talked, and I let it all out, and he made changes, and he grew, and I do not doubt that we were put together in this life to help each other.

When I was 20, a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver who had a record of drunk driving offenses.

I have watched kids I grew up with take their experiences and react in different ways...some have taken the lessons, and like me, vowed to break the chain. Some have taken the lessons and set them aside and will inevitably continue to cycle.

Alcoholism never seems to back down...it is consistant in my life. It continues to knock on my door, no matter how many times I tell it is not welcome. It won't let me be. Now, it has returned in the form of my friend who has relapsed after so many years of being strong. It has and continues to cause me so much heartbreak. I hate it.

And yet, I know that its ever annoying presence serves a purpose. I AM intended to break the cycle. I DID choose this life, and these parents and these people who surround me and these challenges because I AM the catalyst for change.

And yet, knowing this does not make it any easier. I know I need to reach out to my friend who is struggling, and I know I will, but I just need some time to process this. Some time to work through the ANGER at the alcoholism that this current situation has re-ignited. And time to remember that I chose this because I *can* help make change, I *am* meant to break the cycle.

I've got nothing

I want to post, I really do. But I just don't seem to have anything to say this week.

OMG, mark it on your calendars.

Seriously. If I made that statement to my co-workers, or other people that know me in real life, they would have a jolly laugh on that one. ME, with nothing to say? Yeah right.

It must have something to do with Saturn in our Venus or something. Some astrology gu-ru could tell me, but it must be something in the air. The energy is all wrong. All of the bloggers that I read regularly, who generally always seem to have something to say seem to be slacking this week.

So this is just a silly little post, just so I can keep up with my approximate every other day posting streak.

I am looking at upgrading my camera to an slr. I have the opportunity to tag along with my friend D some more next summer, and am flattered that the racers that I shot with her this fall felt that my photos were good enough that they suggested that I could shoot a race, that she can't make it to, by myself next summer. There is already one opportunity looming to be a second shooter at a wedding with her, an oppotunity that would actually pay money if it goes through, and the possibility of more to come, IF I get me an slr. So I really want to, and I can kinda look at it as an investment, but as always when looking at spending a chunk of money, I am indecisive and part of me is really fighting it, knowing that probably the smartest thing to do would be to sit on my money for right now and see what happens with this economy and W's job. So I am struggling with that decision. I may wait till after the New Year and see how our taxes come out and how W's job fairs over winter, and I would still have time to get the camera and get familiar enough with it before the race. Stay tuned, decision yet to be made.

I have not come any closer to figuring out how to approach my alcoholic friend.

I am excited to be having dinner with a friend of mine this Friday evening whom I love dearly and don't see very often and we are going to have so much fun. She hasn't seen L in a long time, and she is going to be blown away with how much and how well he is talking.

So, I guess I didn't have exactly *nothing* to say, but it wasn't anything profound or very interesting. But at least it was something.

Blah

I am feeling totally blah today.

Somewhat melancholy.

I could really just go curl up in my bed and sleep away today. I don't want to be conscious today.

Could have something to do with the news I found out this weekend about an old friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic who apparently relapsed like a year ago, unbeknown to ME, but known to a bunch of OTHER people who for some reason didn't care enough for her or me to think that maybe they should tell me? Or maybe they thought I would know (if they didn't know that we don't keep in touch like we used to), and didn't care enough about her to ask me if I had tried to help her?? The whole situation is heart wrenching, and I have no idea how to approach it, but feel like I need to at least try to reach out to her...I feel so bad that we have lost touch, and I hate that I didn't see it, and that I didn't know for so long. I hate thinking about her in the condition that I have been told she has been seen in around her small town and the nearby town; it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart to think about what could have happened to cause her to relapse after like 20+ years? I hate the whole thing and am trying to figure out how I am going to move forward from here.

Could have something to do with the fact that we haven't seen much sunshine in over a week.

Could be that I didn't hardly see L at all this weekend. I have been thinking about him a lot today; I want to just go get him and go home and snuggle with him on the couch and watch Dora or Diego with him.

I even went and bought my new vacuum on lunch break today (they were out of stock, so they will ship it to my work for free within about a week), and only spent half what I originally thought I would (yay!) and not even that little shopping spree made me feel any better.

I still want to write the remembrance post from last Thursday, but the news from this weekend has me not in the appropriate frame of mind to do the day justice, so stay tuned for that.

I hope everyone is having a better Monday than I am.

In limbo, nothing to read!

It's Friday, I am at my desk, in the middle of 3 projects on which I cannot move forward until I get answers from various people, which is totally annoying, but what's worse is that NONE of the blogs that I follow have any new posts today!?!

I have a big post that I need to compose, but I need to do it when I can be uninterrupted and really focus; today is another day of remembrance for me, but it is special and I need to do it justice. So that will have to wait for later.

I think I will cruise to consumer reports and figure out which vacuum I will buy to go with my new carpet; which I just found out is back ordered until December 8th! UGH!! So no new carpet until mid December :0( but my installer assured me it would be installed before X-mas, so when we have L's b-day party on Jan 3rd our sweet new carpet will be installed and our house will be put back together.

Sooo, anyway, somebody post PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAASE!!!!!!!

The feminist in me....

So the Feminist in me reared her gorgeous head last night...She still kinda takes me off guard when she surges forward with her sort of newly found voice...

My father-in-law and his wife invited us over for supper last night, which totally ROCKS on a weekday since it means that the mad dash that constitutes 'evening' in our house does not have to be so mad, and there are no dishes to find time for, either.

So we were sitting in the living room after seriously gorging on some bad ass chili, and the CMA's happened to be on the TV (or the TB, as the boy would say ;0) ). I am not a country fan, but whatever. So some chic in a pretty tight, short black skirt and low cut top was singing some song, and L was glued in his spot watching her intently.

"You like that peanut? Does she sing so pretty?"

"Yeah" he says, without even a sideways glance...

"Yeah, she sings alot prettier than Mama"

Then my father in law decides to add his two cents and this is what I hear come out of his mouth:

"She's SEXY, huh buddy, can you say 'sexy'?"

Cue angry feminist voice screaming in my head WHAT THE FUCK!? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just tell my 2 year old son that this chic is SEXY? And not only that but try to teach him to SAY IT? Did you really just imply to my son, who happened to be just enjoying a beautiful voice and song, that he should pay more attention to the fact that this lady is SEXY than just enjoy the beautiful voice that is radiating out of her mouth? I really wanted to channel some BHJ awesomeness and slice my FIL's head off with a samurai sword in one fell swoop...

Seriously.

The level of my anger at that statement took me by surprise. And really, it may seem like no big deal to him, and really, it may NOT be as big a deal as angry feminist voice made it out to be, but honestly, that type of shit DOES make a difference. Those subtle messages that we send to our children even, or maybe even ESPECIALLY, at this young age DO matter, and will shape their mentality towards all types of things later in life, and I will be damned if my son will grow up viewing women as objects.

Yes, she was beautiful. And she was sexy. And I don't think for even a moment that my father in law looks at women solely as sexual objects. And I sometimes even feel good about being found sexually desirable. But something about my father in law telling my 2 year old son that 'she is SEXY', and trying to get him to say it, REALLY REALLY rubbed me the absolute wrong way.

A day of remembrance

November 11. Veteran's Day in the US. Remembrance Day in Canada (my calendar tells me so). A day to remember and give thanks to the brave men and women who have served and/or died for our freedom. How fitting, and coincidental(or maybe not) that 9 years ago this day took on another cause for remembrance for myself and my group of friends.

9 years ago today, 11/11/99, about this time of the day, I got the call from my friend S that our friend Paul had shot himself sometime in the early morning. I remember that call as if it were yesterday. It struck me as wrong as soon as I picked up the phone and heard her voice at the other end, because she had NEVER called me at work. That and the shakiness in her voice told me immediately that something was terribly wrong.

She said "Paul shot himself last night" and I remember asking "He shot himself??...Is he...is he dead?"

Of course, the answer was yes. At which point, I lost it. I remember going and standing in the doorway of my co-workers office, crying, and sinking down to the floor. I was 20 years old, and this just couldn't be real.

My boss was very understanding and told me to go home and take what time I needed. The ride home is a blur of tears and questions and disbelief. The afternoon was spent with our core group of friends, no one *totally* surprised by Paul's suicide, and yet at the same time, shocked that he had actually done it. And drugs. Drugs to numb the pain. The pain that they had helped to cause in the first place.

I remember thinking back to watching my mother cry after receiving the news that her good friend's 18 year old son had shot himself.

Paul had been one of W's best friends. He had a troubled childhood, in which his mother had abandoned him, his sister and her 2 children from a different marriage, leaving them with his father. He grew up VERY bitter toward his mother, and women in general. He, like a lot of our group, was into drugs, all kinds, but had definitely gotten into a serious relationship with meth and coke, and the old stand by, alcohol. He had a rocky on and off relationship with the mother of his 3 year old daughter. She deserved so much better, and I think she had finally realized and fully accepted that and told him so not long before he shot himself. (I am not, IN ANY WAY, saying that his suicide was her fault, although I know that she struggled with a LOT of guilt for a long time, as did many of our other friends.) I considered him my friend, although he treated me like shit as he did all females...he had more to hate me for than just his usual bitterness toward females though; he hated me because W and I had been seeing each other for about 2 years, and I had 'stolen' W from him...So, in compromise, the three of us spent alot of time together, doing our thing.

It was the start of one of the most difficult times in my life to date. Suicide leaves those surviving friends and family in such a bad spot. As much as anyone knows that they should not blame themselves, it is impossible not to second guess everything you said or did to that person. He had told W multiple times that he should just do it. Everyone knew the emotional struggles he went through. 2 weeks before he shot himself, he came to our apartment, wasted, in the wee hours of the morning and had passed out on our floor. When he woke up a couple hours later and we would not let him take our bike or our car, he stormed off, swearing we were no longer his friends and that we didn't care about him. 10 days before he did it, I picked him up in jail at 2am after he was driving drunk and crashed his car. He told me on the way home that there was NO WAY he was EVER going back to jail. I have no doubt in my mind now that he was already sure in his mind that he was going to do it, it was just a matter of when. He had called many of our other friends earlier that night, looking for someone to come and get him and hang out, but by that point everyone was feeling that they were at their last straw with him, nobody could handle being around him and the abuse that he doled out to everyone at all times. Any attempts at helping him were shot down and countered with abuse. This is why there was so much guilt among our friends. There was too much a feeling that we had let him down. Instead of stepping up, we had turned our backs. But what do you do when all of the help that you try to offer is countered with hatred and anger and pulling away? Not to mention we were in our early 20's, and many of us had our own issues with drugs and denial and emotional ineptidudes. Everything was just so foggy and crazy and messed up and we were so ill equipped to deal with the situation.

I still think about Paul on occasion. I still have his obit hanging on my tack board in my office. But, honestly, I can't say that I 'miss' him. I honestly cannot imagine my life right now had Paul not committed suicide. The mother of his child found comfort in the arms of another of his best friends, and he in hers. At first it was awkward, but now, it only makes sense. Today, they are married, with 3 children (hers, his and theirs) and they happen to be some of mine and W's closest friends. I *KNOW* to the bottom of my heart that were Paul still alive we would not still be friends, and I would not have J, one of my best friends, in my life as she is now (her and I really only became close because she was dating our good friend M). Nor would I have their wonderful children in my life. I doubt I would have had the opportunity to be close to Paul's daughter as I am now.

Not only that, but I think it has saved Paul's daughter and her mother, and all of us, really, of years of anguish watching Paul buckle under the weight of his depression and his substance abuse. Many of us went on to move beyond the crazy drug use that defined that time in our life, but a few did not, and I fear Paul would be one of those who didn't make it beyond were he still alive. It breaks my heart to see those people caught up in the vicious life that is addiction.

Paul lives on through his daughter. A is an amazing young lady who radiates her father's essence in so many ways...Looking into her eyes is EXACTLY like looking into Pauls, without the ever present trace of anguish. She has Paul's competetive spirit; that attitude that if it is worth doing, it is worth being the best (or sometimes, if I can't be the best then I don't want to do it at all). She is so smart, and spirited and I am so thankful to be able to watch her grow and to see her father shining through. Not to mention how wonderful is it that I get to be a guiding influence and a friend to her in this life.

So, today I remember Paul with a heavy heart. I am not thankful that he did what he did and I cannot be certain that his life would have continued to descend to the depths, and yet, the landscape of my life is hard to imagine without that experience, and it is hard to think about my life without his daughter and her mother and their family in my life exactly as they are.

Sad Baby makes Sad Mommy

L cried when I left him at daycare today.

He is so not a 'don't leave me at daycare' crier. Seriously. I can count on less than one hand how many times he has cried when I have left him in the 19 mos that he has been going there.

It was horrible. Heart wrenching. He gave me my hug and kiss and went in the other room and was fine. I had to call J back cuz I forgot to tell her something, and L came back into the kitchen starting to cry "Mommy", so I gave him another hug and pried him off of me and convinced him to go in the other room and watch out the porch windows and wave to me while I left, which turned out to be worse; watching him stand in the window, tears streaming down his little face crying "Momma!"

**SIGH**

He's not feeling the best, and that's why he cried. He had a hard time sleeping, was up coughing and tossing and turning, and even ended up in our bed for awhile, which is UBER rare.

Thank goddess he is not an every day crier when I leave him at daycare...I don't think I could leave him every day if he cried like that.

So even though I know he was fine before I even got to the stoplight, it still makes me sad.

Poor Baby.

Poor Mommy.

Painting and Purging

I painted my ass off this weekend. There is still a lot of painting to do. FYI, painting trim bites, and it adds A LOT of work to your painting project. I am changing the trim from white to dark brown, so everything requires 2 coats, and I have to paint EVERYTHING, including all those little wood pieces on the window glass too. UGH.

It probably doesn't help that I ended up painting the hallway twice. R- I wish I would've read your response to my last post before I went out and bought a lighter color and painted the ENTIRE stairwell hallway, ceiling included, in the lighter color. The whole time I knew it wasn't going to be right; I just wasn't feeling it. And every time I have painted, I have known before it is dry if it is 'right', if it is what I had fixed in my mind's eye, and this was not it, I could feel it in my gut. And yet, I continued on, and painted the whole damn thing. Then I sat down to the puter and read your response and just KNEW you were right. On Saturday morning, after it was dry, I knew that I had to try the darker color out again, or I would regret it forever. I painted the wall at the top of the stairs in the darker color, right next to the lighter color, and I knew instantly I had made a terrible error. So, I painted the hallway, ceiling included. AGAIN.

I still have a lot of painting to do. I have to second coat the hallway trim, and get a bit more paint to finish the doors. I have about 80% of the trim in the bedroom done, but have yet to paint any walls, except a little bit of ceiling cutting in that I did yesterday while L napped. I will probably work on it in the evenings this week after L goes to bed. I have time before the carpet comes, but I really just want it done.

The good part of this whole painting / recarpet is that I PURGED a ton of shit. It feels so good to be rid of all that stuff that I had not looked at in literally YEARS. I got rid of 3 bridesmaid dresses that have been collecting dust in my closet. I got rid of clothing that was outdated, worn out and outgrown. I discovered how much room we have in our closet and our room and our dressers when we have only what we actually use.

I didn't get rid of everything that just takes up space; some concert / band t-shirts made the cut (they don't fit, but I'm sorry I couldn't let *them* go yet), I had to keep my wedding dress, of course, even though it still carries the dirt from that evening, and even though I will never wear it again, I can't get rid of it. I did, however, move it from the back of the door (where it has been since June 18, 2005 when I was the most beautiful bride ever ;0) ) into the closet, and covered it with a dress bag. Even that made me slightly sad.

I also held on to the (slinky) little black dress that I brought on our honeymoon and wore to the fancy restaurant, as well as a sexy little black number that I wore to a friends wedding in 2003. Although I may never fit in them, I can't give up hope just yet on those dresses.

I am feeling really good purging, and like any pack rat, I have to take advantage of this state before it disappears. I will be tackling the downstairs closet which is CRAZY and houses things like the flower arrangements from my wedding (seriously, when am I EVER going to use those again?) and a box full of used candle wax which I had intentions of melting down into new candles like 5 years ago. That and a ton of other stuff I am not even sure of since I haven't looked at it since I shoved it in there 6 years ago when we moved in. I am SO excited to strip us down of these excess 'things'.

Coloring my world

I took the day off work to get a jump on painting the hall and our bedroom while the boy is out of my hair at daycare :0) There is a lot of organizing and purging that needs to be done before I can even get started painting...

I am almost embarrassed to say that there is probably enough clothing on my bedroom floor in piles to fill 4 garbage bags; just the normal size, not industrial leaf collecting outdoor size bags, but still!!. I think it is time to accept the fact that I may NEVER fit into some of that clothing again, and even if I do, by the time I do I don't think some of it will be the style of clothing I will want to be wearing then :0)

That pile of clothing gives some insight into my question of where the hell all our money went before we had L...Seriously, there are 12, TWELVE, pairs of jeans in a pile that no longer fit me...They aren't all in great shape, but still wearable, and some ARE practically brand new...Those I will keep in hopes that a size 12 IS in my future...That is, of course, assuming that my POST baby size 12 will even fit into my pre-baby size 12 jean cut...**SIGH**

L (and any future babies) are DEFINITELY worth it though, don't get me wrong!

Now, I have 2 pairs of slacks dress pants, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of workout/sweatpants, about 7 tops that I rotate between for work, and a few t-shirts and sweatshirts that fit me...I am sure to find a few more things in those piles that also fit me now, to add to my current wardrobe. But most of it is going to Goodwill, or that Epilepsy foundation that is always picking stuff.

Anyway, so I am painting today, in preparation for our new carpet. I am still so excited! R came by last weekend and helped me pick carpet and paint colors, thanks R :0) I did a test of the lighter brown in the stairway hall, and I am a *bit* concerned that it might be too dark for that small space, but I have to remember that the carpet is a lot lighter than the existing wood flooring, so that is going to lighten the space up too...Not exactly sure what I am going to do with that yet, if I am going to use it, or possibly go a shade lighter.

I also already have a crockpot full of apples cooking away to make applesauce. I did a small batch last weekend, and it turned out pretty good, so I am tweaking my ingredients a titch, and making a large batch today to can for over the winter. YUMM-O :0)

So, I suppose I had better get my butt off this computer and get moving...I have the tunes CRANKED on the computer, and am excited to get to it. Wish me luck!!

From the mouth of the Babe - Part 4

"Wake up, L, it's time to get up and face the day peanut"

"I dough wanna geh dup"

"You wanna go back to sleep?"

"Yeah"

"Awww, you don't wanna get up and have some milk and snuggle with Mama and watch Blue's Clues?"

"DORA!" he says and is instantly on his feet, bee-bee (blankie) in hand, ready to face the day.

**SIGH** sometimes I think he loves that little cartoon girl more than he loves me ;0) He has even been calling out her name in his sleep.

Writing our History...

What an amazing moment in history we have created.

I have so much more to say, but right now the ideas are all jumbled and it all needs to work itself out in my brain a bit before I put it out there for you internet.

For now I *will* say that I feel very different after this election than I did after the last two elections, even though each time (including this one) I voted for the successful candidate.

I am happy and hopeful and amazed.

Off to the polls...

I am off to cast my vote in this historic election.

I am excited and nervous about what the future may bring.

I can't wait to go all politico geek and watch everything unfold tonite on TV...I am sure my husband will get sick of it within 20 minutes and leave me for the company of his friends :0)

Happy 30th, R

Today, the woman who has been my best friend for the last 24+ years turns 30. I can hardly believe it, as all the memories I have with her feel as though they happened yesterday. I am beyond grateful that she is STILL a part of my life after all this time; and not just a part of my life, but an IMPORTANT part of my life.

We met when we were in 1st grade. She was the new girl, and I don't remember much about meeting her, but I remember I wanted to be friends with the new girl. We both lived in the country, near a small town, but rode different buses. I suppose we became friends because of our parents' shared connection to the local bar. I am not even sure. R probably remembers though, she remembers SO MUCH more than I do :0) I was just thinking the other day that I honestly don't even know where they lived before they came to my town? Funny how you can know someone intimately for the majority of your life and still not know everything about them!

R is completely intertwined in my life; she is as much a part of my history as I am. She knows everything I went through growing up; knows most everything that has shaped me into the person I am today, and I would like to think she feels the same way about me.

I remember so many good times; sliding down her icy driveway, being pulled by the 4 wheeler, the cooking shows we hosted from my sandbox, swimming at Trout Brook, tubing, that time I had my first Big Mac on the way to her cousins house, running around the hills by her house, our fantasy land of Terabithia near the fence corner at the edge of my parent's wooded property, her birthday party that year that we played with the Ouija board and her parents got SOOO pissed at us (OMG, that night still gives me the goosebumps; I had the funniest conversation with her parents the other night about that particular event - they have sworn revenge in the form of the gift of an Ouija board to mine and R's kids when they turn 12 - AHHH!!!), passing notes in high school, hot boxing the car with cigarette smoke on the way to school every morning, fighting!! (Oh the fights we had, LOL, we fought like a couple of wolverines, and about the stupidest stuff sometimes...but we always made up), our impromptu weekend jet-a-way to Florida 7 years ago, her telling me she was pregnant with C, being there at C's birth, learning of her pregnancy with M, her in my wedding 5 months pregnant with M...

I remember lots of tough times too; and sad times and angry times. Those are as much of our history as the good times...

Even though we fought, R was always there for me. She was my confidant, my rock, the one I could go to with anything, the one who understood the difficulty of my home life, the one who told me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't want to hear it, the one who had the guts to tell someone when she thought I had a problem with cocaine in HS (man, I was mad at her...She was right, although it was not coke, but similar...there is much to that story, but that is for another post).

Never could I guess that we would REALLY still be this close at 30 years old, 25 years after we met...We did drift apart for awhile, in the last year of HS (the time of the cocaine incident) and the first couple of years after HS. We had different things going on in our lives. But the Universe had plans for us, that did not include us growing further and further apart. We reconnected at a time when we both really needed it; she was at the beginning of some tough times in her life, and I was moving away from a destructive path in my life and feeling lost and was desperately missing her presence in my life (I didn't at the time know I was missing her so much, but looking back I can see it).

There is something, that I cannot put into words, about the unique relationship that forms with someone who has known you forever. It cannot be matched. It cannot be recreated with someone you meet in your adult life. Yes, strong bonds can be formed with someone you meet later in life, but for me, it will never feel the same as my relationship with R. As I said, she is as much a part of me as *I* am. Without her, I would not be whole. She cannot be extricated from the tapestry that is me.

Today, at 30, R is an amazing woman. Her journey has taken some turns that she never expected, and she isn't necessarily where she thought she would be at 30, but she is there, and she is living life. She is a strong woman (even if she feels weak inside), a great mother, a wonderful friend.

R~ I know that your life is not necessarily what you had pictured it to be, and you may feel that you could be doing things better or different, but just know that you ARE doing a great job, you ARE a great mother and friend, and you are a shining light on this earth, your children DID make a good choice when they chose you, and I am SO THANKFUL to have YOU as part of ME.

I hope that things in your life continue to look up; you deserve it. I wish for you a WONDERFUL birthday.

And I hope that in another 25 years I am saying Happy Birthday to my best friend of 50 years.

I still got it...

I went out on Saturday night for the first time in a LONG time. I met up with a good friend of mine, and the group of girls she was going out with. Most of them I know, but would not necessarily consider them 'friends'. They got all dressed up and looked very good. Due to my slacking this year, I did not have a costume planned, and did not feel like trying to throw one together. I have my sexy vampire costume in the closet from a few years ago, which looked SMOKIN' on me that year, but I am not feeling all that sexy these days, and just didn't want to go there...I would have probably looked okay, but not near how I looked in it a few years ago, and would have just felt self conscious and disappointed in myself. So I just wore one of my outfits that I DO really like how I look in right now, a blue v-neck shirt (that makes my blue eyes totally pop) under a black vest, and my best blue jeans.

We grabbed a bite in a nearby small town and then headed back to our town to the bar. It was GREAT fun, there were a bunch of my good friends from back in the day there, and alot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Of course, as soon as I walked through the door everyone was asking where the hell W was (it's like that if one of us is out without the other) and I tried calling him a few times, but he roofed all weekend he was tired and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

I danced, and chatted, and smoked (hey, it's what I do when I go out; I don't drink, so I figure a little social nicotine ingestion is what I get to do to release when I go out), but the best part of my night by far has to be the compliments I received. I was told by 3 different guys how beautiful I am :0)

The first is a guy who's been my friend for about 15 years, who has expressed openly many times how awesome and attractive I am, and how he has always felt this way about me. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of this, and is not afraid to tell anyone (including my husband) that I am the shit. No matter how many times I hear this from him, it still makes me feel good.

The second was a guy who appeared to be in his early to mid 20's, whom I have never met before. He was dressed as a nerd, and pulled it off very well :0) He was coming out the door to smoke just as I was going in, and said to me as we passed on the stairs "WHOA, beautiful, where are you going so fast?" To which the friend that I had been talking to (who is, of course, friends with W also) said "She's taken, buddy" which made me laugh out loud. The nerd went on to say that that is okay, but that I have the most amazingly beautiful blue eyes that he has ever seen, and that he was very much mesmerized with them. I blushed and said thank you, and tried to accept the praise that was being laid down. I stayed and talked to him for a couple of minutes, in which time he continued to rave about my eyes.

The third was a guy whom I have met only a few times, who works with W, and whom I seem to be sharing some mutual sexual tension with. He is very built, and was dressed as the Incredible Hulk; he had on shorts without a shirt and was painted all green. YUM. My attraction to him is on a very basic level; as in if I were single and looking for a little man meat, I would take him home in a second. The feeling appears to be mutual after the few encounters we had on Saturday night. Any doubts of that were wiped out by the things he said to me, starting with an exclamation that I look better every time he sees me, and including a very descriptive comment he made about what he would do to me were I not with W. He seems to be a nice guy with a checkered past who appears to have problems finding girls that want anything more than a fling with no strings attached. I feel bad for him in that respect, but can understand, I guess! I love my husband VERY much, and have absolutely no desire to cheat on him or not be with him, but I will not deny that a little sexual banter and attention from other attractive men once in awhile feels DAMN good, and is a great self esteem booster.

I have had trouble in the past accepting that men could find me attractive. I have always struggled with my weight and body image. I know I have a pleasing shape, but it gets hidden under a little extra insulation most of the time ;0) Yes, there were a few years in there when I was in GREAT shape, and it was probably the only time in my life that I would say I had a great body to go along with my pretty face and my personality. But even THEN I had a hard time seeing my body as anything but average.

I still don't quite understand it, but get that, at least with the guys that know me, it has to do more with the 'whole package' than anything to do with simply being physically appealing, and I will take overall beauty ANY DAY over simply being 'hot'.

It is great to know that I still got it :0)

Our early X-mas present to ourselves...

We are getting all new carpet in our house, and I am So. Freaking. Excited!!!

We had a tree fall on our house this summer, and did alot of damage to our roof. So we got an insurance settlement to replace the roof, which we did ourselves, of course, since W does that type of stuff for a living, which means we have money left over to make MORE improvements to our house! Replacing our roof was a MAJOR pain in the ass; there were 2 layers of asphalt shingles and a layer of cedar shakes. If that means nothing to you, just know it was a hell of a lot of work. I filled a 10 cubic yard dumpster, BY MYSELF, with a fuckin' plastic wannabe wheel barrow. Then, when I was down to the last little bit, my FIL brought his 4 wheeler over so I could haul the trailor around to load the crap in. Really wish he woulda showed up sooner. Ah well. It's over, thank goddess. But, it was DEFINITELY worth it since I am getting all new carpet out of the deal.

We have been in our house for almost 6 years, and our bedroom carpet is cheap, office type, BABY BLUE carpet with NO PAD underneath it, with mauve walls and pink hand made curtains (WTF kinda color combo is that?), and I HATE it, and have wanted to change it since the day we moved in, but we just haven't had the money (or haven't made it a priority, I guess). We are also going to carpet our stairs, which are just wood right now, but not NICE wood; old wood that has been painted over like 20 times (the original part of our house was built in 1884, the stairs aren't *that* old, but they are not new at all either). W has hated the living room carpet since we moved in, which I don't hate, but it is getting pretty worn and stays all matted down in the traffic pattern now, I can't even vacuum it back up anymore :0(

The other two rooms are not horrible, but both have some stains in them, and for the little amount of additional money, we are going to just do them and be done with it.

I CAN'T wait. W has to do some work to the stairs before we can have the carpet installed, and so I am going to paint the bedroom (which I have ALSO been wanting to do since we moved in, but with the nasty carpet I figured why even bother?) and the hall going upstairs too.

So, this weekend will be spent figuring out paint colors for the bedroom and hall, and picking carpet out...The only problem I have is that W is color blind, even though he denies it, deep down he knows he is (whenever I have to correct him on what a color is, he accuses *ME* of being color blind, LOL)...We have issues when selecting colors because of it, and I DEFINITELY need help selecting colors. I have to have the carpet samples back by Monday, so I am definitely going to need to have my mom and my MIL and anyone else I can give me their opinion this weekend.

R, if you aren't doing anything on Sunday and have time to stop by, I would REALLY appreciate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, it will be a couple of weeks before it is in, but just knowing that it is going to be replaced makes me SO HAPPY!!

Oh, and then for X-mas, W and I decided that I could get my new vacuum cleaner (ya know, gotta have that to keep the new carpet in tip top shape, right?) and he can get some power tool that he needs.

Thank goddess for falling trees :0)

How-ween; and/or From the mouth of the Babe part 3

We watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" as a family last night. W and I have watched it every year for the last few, but this was the first time for L. He laughed his butt off, which was hilarious...He didn't even know what he was laughing at, and he laughed at inappropriate times sometimes, which made it funnier. It was his goofy forced laugh, which made it even MORE hilarious. It was great.


As soon as he saw the gang all dressed up in their ghost costumes, he got really excited

"How-ween!! How-ween!!"

and pointed and looked at me with that excited face; OMG! Look mama, look! Can you believe it?!

That has got to be one of the best parts of being a parent; seeing the big wide world through their eyes, learning again how to revel in simple joys and to recognize the beauty in all things.

The kids at daycare must be talking about 'How-ween' alot, getting excited, because that was the first time he had ever said that. He still doesn't 'get it' though; when I asked him what he wants to be for Halloween, he looked and me, smiled and said "Yeah!", lol.

So he is going to be Darth Vader for How-ween; well, actually, it's Anakin Skywalker, I guess, as he looked when he was a Jedi Knight before he went to the dark side...it is a little black jumpsuit with the different colored buttons on front, a cape, and a little felt Jedi Knight cap. He looks really cute in it, of course, and W is so excited since he had joked a couple of weeks ago that L should be Darth Vader. I didn't plan it, it just happened to be what I found Monday afternoon as I scrambled from store to store quickly between meetings and hoped I would find something suitable and that would not break the bank. I stopped at Halloween express, who happened to have the same Anakin Skywalker costume, but wanted $30 for it!?!? They pretty much wanted $30 for everything in L's size. I ended up stopping at Kohl's on a whim, and lo and behold, they had ONE Anakin Skywalker costume left, in L's size, on clearance for $7.99. Hell's ya, that's what I'm looking for :0)

I had had plans of being all on top of Halloween this year and getting something super cute on-line for cheap, like my stay at home sister in law, but I was not on the ball, and Halloween snuck up on me, and so I did the mad dash. My niece said she wanted to be a duck for Halloween, and she got a TOO CUTE chicken costume, and my younger niece will be a cow. I sometimes get so envious of her. My SIL that is...she always has time to stay on top of stuff like that, like Halloween costumes and 'special' outfits for all the Holidays. Poor L winds up in last minute Anakin Skywalker costumes and everyday outfits for Holidays. But then again, I think *I personally* am more fulfilled with my life than I would be if I stayed at home, not to mention that I know I value the quality of my time with L more because of it, and who needs special outfits for Holidays anyways? It's just one more thing to spend money on that they will wear ONCE in their life...

Did I mention that there is A LOT more adult orientated humor in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" than I remember or ever picked up on as a kid? Not to mention that scene where Snoopy is a WWII fighter pilot and is flying his dog house and is engaged in a fire fight with the enemy, WTH? I felt like I was tripping...or SHOULD have been!!! Wow, psychedelic. L laughed at that part too. Which was funny. And scary. I had this flash forward vision of him and his friends, 16, sittin' around hittin' the bong laughing their asses off as the psychedelic Snoopy scene unfolds before them. UGH. He is mine and W's son though, so I should not be surprised if, in 14 years I walk in on that episode.

That's what I love about those older cartoons; they always had all this masked adult humor that made it easier for parents to watch along with their kids...I mean, Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go are CERTAINLY not hiding any adult humor.

Damn

Damn.

Aunt Flo arrived.

I was really hopeful this month.

I know, I said I wasn't getting wrapped up in trying to conceive, and I wasn't going to get dissapointed, but I can't lie. I am a bit dissapointed. And sad.

But, I guess I can look at it from the view that it will mean one more month that I get to spend with JUST L. He doesn't have to give up the title of cutest baby ever yet.

But still.

Oh, and have you ever tried using a full size maxi, with wings, when you are wearing a thong? Yeah, doesn't work real well. (Time to restock the work stash of tampons...)

At least it is almost time to go home. I can use it as an excuse to throw on some granny panties, some sweats, make some high carb supper and have M&M's with L for dessert...


Note: Pretty sure I don't have any male readers, but if I do, sorry for the TMI...

A letter of thanks...

T-

Becoming a mother has caused me to reflect on my life and the experiences, choices and people that have influenced me. Lately, I have been thinking about your family and what you did for me and what it has meant in my life.

I do not know the extent of your knowledge, but I am sure that you figured out that life at the (family) home was difficult, and at times, volatile. I sometimes joke with people that I was ‘raised in a bar’. The sad part is, that is pretty much how I remember it, and how it felt, at least from my child’s perspective. Many of my memories of childhood involve the bar, hanging out in the booths, or the video store or running around (the town). When I look at L and I think about that it saddens me deeply.

Looking back at it from my adult perspective, I can only assume that your family was also saddened by the situation, and that it was a driving force behind offering me a ‘job’ of buttering buns and helping out around the place, at my young age of 10. I was there so often anyway, might as well earn a little money and have something to do.

I am so thankful that you did. Your entire family; you, (brother), (mom and dad), (Grandma and Grandpa),(sister), (oh and 'resident old bartender' too!) have had a positive impact on my life and have helped shape who I am today, and you ALL mean SO MUCH to me. I remember I looked up to you, T, SO much! And what did you do? You worked your butt off at that place. My work ethic has DEFINITELY been impacted by you and what you taught me! The whole 20 year experience and the larger (business)’s ‘family’ continue to be important in my life and to my family.

I have come to terms with my childhood; with my parents own personal struggles and the choices they made. Although they made some bad decisions, they really are good people and loving parents. Were it not for the situation, I would not have the opportunity to write this letter of thanks. All of those experiences have left me with a clearer vision of who *I* want to be, and the things that I do and do NOT want my OWN child(ren) to experience and learn growing up. I can only hope they are blessed to have some family friends as important to them as you have been to me.

So Thank You, for everything you and your family have done for and given to me. Please feel free to share the sentiment with your (mom and dad) and (brother). I just felt driven to let you all know that you will always hold a special place in my heart.



I will be going today to find the appropriate blank card for this sentiment this weekend, and will be handwriting and sending it out. As it stated, I have been thinking about this family lately, and feel it is important for me to follow through with it. Maybe it is just what one of them needs to hear right now or something. Maybe it is in the spirit of the approaching Thanksgiving Holiday. Maybe it is something that will have a future impact upon my life. I don't know. All I know is that it came to me this morning, and I know if I don't send it, I will regret it forever.

I may have the worst immune system of anyone I know...

It could have been something I ate yesterday, I spose. Hmmmm, I had Eggs with toast for breakfast...the butter and eggs were fresh. I had a few bites of my mom's left over hot dish for lunch; it was from Thursday night, and we had eaten some on Friday and no one got sick, so shouldn't be that...For supper I made a beef roast. That should have been okay. Looked fine when I was putting it in the pan. And then there was the apple crisp that I made last night.

So, either some of that food was the culprit, or I am coming down with the flu. I have felt nauseous all morning, and as the day goes I am starting to feel worse.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. I am going to take the afternoon off and go home and sleep for a bit before I go pick up L.

I could possibly have the worst immune system of anyone I know. Or maybe I am just a wimp. Could be that, too. I hate being sick. As soon as I feel it coming on I get pissed off. That probably doesn't help with the whole 'mind over matter' trick.

Hopefully it is just a 24 hour thing.

Okay, done whining. For now.

Why must they - Part 2

I hate it when people have their fax machine set to automatically send the SAME FAX multiple times, and you go over to the fax machine and it has needlessly printed off 3 copies of the same stupid 5 page fax! SERIOUSLY people. Remember those 3 R's we talked about? Yeah.

So, that little incident got me thinking about another one of my pet peeves which is when people leave the water running full blast while they brush their teeth. My lovely husband does this all the time, and it drives.me.nuts. I will be standing there getting ready and he will come in to brush his teeth and leave that water just runnin' away, and I reach over and turn it off. I can't help myself. It's just unnecessary, and so easily NOT done.

One day he said "That really drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

"Yes honey, it does"

Well guess what, internet? The other day we were standing there getting ready and he actually turned the faucet off! I couldn't believe it. Maybe I will get through to him yet :0)

I don't need to turn him into a total tree hugger, just get him to do the simple things that, if we ALL do them, will add up to alot of eco-friendly benefit. Hell, *I'M* not even a total tree hugger...Take global warming; I definitely think we contribute to global warming, but do not for one second believe that we are the SOLE CAUSE of the current climate change. We are such a blip on the life span of the Earth. The Earth has gone through many extreme times of climate change in the past that had nothing to do with man.

I do, however, ABSOLUTELY believe that we have an obligation to impact our Earth as little as possible, and it just irritates me when people are too lazy to do even the simplist actions that WILL have a positive impact.

I of course, am not claiming to be perfect. I don't expect perfection. I only ask for effort.


Okay, done ranting.

It was a great feeling to have manifested that change of behavior in my husband.

Sweet release

So, despite my promise to myself that I wasn't going to get wrapped up in the whole 'trying' to conceive this time around, I have been unable to completely not pay attention to my cycle. Last month I did really well, the only thing I paid attention to was how long my cycle was. This month, I paid a little bit more attention, and actually went on to figure out approximately when I would ovulate, which happens to be sometime this week (I actually think it was yesterday). So, I made more of an effort to make sure we have been doing the necessary deed a little bit more this week :) I have found myself getting excited and thinking about being pregnant, and checking what my expected due date would be should I get pregnant this month.


(Which would be mid July, right around W's birthday, which feels right to me...then we would have one Capricorn like me and one Cancer like W...although I had always thought a daughter would be the Cap and a son the Cancer ;0) )



Even though I have found myself unintentionally paying more attention, it has NONE of the desperation that accompanied the efforts last time, which is SUCH a relief. I know it is because we have L, and at least we know it DOES work, unlike last time when we suffered multiple losses and were getting scared that maybe it wasn't ever going to work 'right'. So, it feels good! It feels good to have the attitude of "Whatever; when it happens, it happens".


I have been feeling at odds with myself over the whole getting pregnant again thing though. With my inclination to be a control freak and to get anxious over financial issues (whether it is justified or not) part of me has been worried about the future (due to the current economical situation) and questioning the timing. As much as I know that it will happen when it is sposed to, and that it will never seem like the 'perfect' time and that no matter what, it *WILL* work out, I have trouble just letting go.



(It is something I have always struggled with. I am a control freak. I like plans and schedules and order and no surprises. Maybe that partially explains my attraction to pot; it has allowed me to 'let go' and relax, without at the same time loosing control...)



But today, as I was driving back from a jobsite, I had this feeling of peace come over me, as I thought about the possibility that at this VERY MOMENT, sperm and egg could be joining and starting the process of creating what will be a baby; OUR baby. Another human being that is part W and part me...Another light in our life. I felt calm and happy and at peace with whatever tomorrow may bring.



Amidst all of the anxiety I have been fighting back, really for the last year plus (which has only gotten more intense will all the recent crap, which could make the next year even more anxiety inducing than last year) it was a much needed feeling of sweet release.

From the mouth of the babe...Part 2

Me: "Give mama a kiss"

The boy: "NO!"

Me: "Awwww, c'mon, that makes mama sad" Cue sad face

The boy: "Don't want to!" Cue lil' shister smile

You don't want to?! When did you learn that?! Can you even understand that yet?

Guess so. *Sigh*

Of course, I get my kiss. He is just having fun with his discovery of 'teasing'...

His other newest phrase is 'up high', and everything that is slightly out of reach is now 'up high'. LOL...

Something I have never done...

The buttons have been sitting on the dryer by the door for a few weeks. There are 3 of them. Every day as I walked by them I have contemplated doing it...pinning one onto my purse strap. It would be fairly safe; it's not like I was putting a bumper sticker on my car; most people probably wouldn't even notice it. It would be like speaking at normal volume in a noisy room; someone right next to me might hear, but then again, they might not. And the majority of the people would never even notice what I was saying. But I have always stopped short because I am so fucking indecisive. One day I feel I am SURE that there is no way I am going to vote for McCain, but then the next day I start thinking *ideologically* again, and then I start the whole weighing the pros and cons thing all over again...

I start stacking the chips, and keep finding that every time I do it, I come back around to the fact that although I don't agree with Obama on everything, I agree with him on more issues than not. Not to mention the fact that my biggest turn off, which happens to be his lean toward bigger gvmnt and socialism, is becoming more and more of a non-issue...In the past, the Republican party has always claimed to stand for smaller, less intrusive government. I believed them. The ideology seemed to make sense...personal responsibility, reward for hard work, less gvmnt intervention in our day to day lives, fewer laws, the idea that the free market works such that if the people at the top are making money, and the people down the chain work for it, that they will get their share and be treated well, protection of our personal rights and freedoms, etc. But the current state of the economy, among other things, seems to have opened my eyes to some things...I am becoming convinced that although the ideology may make sense, the incorporation of it has failed, and it's all a bunch of crap...

Trickle down economics? Those down the chain will benefit from the success of those at the top?! BAH! Yeah right...the greed and lack of morality and ethics seems to be choking off the downward flow of said 'success'.

Personal responsibility? Morality? Ethics? Good for the Geese, but not for the Gander, I guess...Greed along the spectrum has landed our economy in dire straights. EVERYONE is paying for the actions of some...It's a 'necessary evil' to bail out the big financial institutions and Wall street types (rather than let them fall prey to their shady, unethical business practices and greed) because if we don't, it will hurt ALL of us worse in the long run...although it may be true, it pisses me off to no end...and yet, it seems that the majority of the Republicans are not in favor of at the same time trying to help out the homeowners who are facing a similar situation of their own...they may also be guilty of extending themselves beyond their means, but I still would rather help them out than help those who made GOBS AND GOBS of money off of the rest of us...I also know that the Democrats are not innocent in all of this, and were the ones who pushed these institutions to extend credit to more people...I also think that the push for de-regulation is not working, as obviously a lot of these entities cannot be trusted to 'do the right thing' when left to their own devices. This is getting jumbled and off topic; basically, although the *ideology* is reasonable to me, I feel that the current direction is not working...

Protection of our personal rights and freedoms? Sure, unless it has to do with a woman's right to choice when it comes to HER reproductive life, or if the government wants to tap your phone calls in the name of 'national security', or if you would like to have civil liberty rights with your partner who happens to be the same sex as you...

(disclaimer; I am not pro-abortion, I am pro CHOICE...Abortion, to me, is horrible in most cases, but should NOT be the realm of the government)

The war in Iraq? What ever happened to the plan of going in, removing Saddam, stabilizing their gvmnt and training them and then MAKING THEM TAKE OVER at some point? If we do not set a time table to turn responsibility over to them, they aren't EVER going to take over the lead role on their own. Much easier for us to spend OUR money. Not that it has to be a publicly announced time line, but there HAS to be some sort of plan to get our troops out of there.

Not to mention, what ever happened to OBL, the ORIGINAL target?

Not to mention, I don't like the growing disdain for the USA that this administration has seemed to create...The more and more I read about the global view of the USA and what we stand for and believe in, the more I am convinced it is time for a different approach.

Not to mention the level of involvement of the religious right in the Republican party is starting to freak me out.

Not to mention that Sarah Palin is beginning to annoy me, BIG TIME, with her "I'm just like you soccer mom" spiel...I know that's a damned if you do damned if you don't type situation for them, but she bugs me.

I still don't like the idea of wealth redistribution, and have no idea what the answer to the big tax question is, how to make it fair and how much is too much, etc etc.

So, I could really go on, but you get the point, Internet. I don't know the RIGHT answer, and it may still be the lesser of two evils, but I can't see continuing on the same type of path we have been on.

Maybe it's because having a child has changed ME and my view on the world at large and what our responsibilities should be to society as a whole...

So, I did it this morning. I stuck one of those Vote Obama 2008 pins on the strap of my purse. I am trying to be decisive. I am (quietly, tentatively) putting my political opinion out there to the public, which is something I have never done.