Blood pressure...

So my last pregnancy, I was tooling along just fine, everything was great, and then I went in for a check up at 23 weeks, and all of a sudden my blood pressure had jumped, from it's nice and steady 120/60 up to around 150/80. Doc says

Hmmmm...blood pressure has been fine, but now is jumping up...Did you do anything strenuous this morning?

Nope.

Well, we're gonna have to watch that...I want to see you back in two weeks, and if it hasn't gone down, I may have to put you on bedrest.

WHAH?????

So whatever, I go on for the next two weeks, feeling fine, sure that it was a fluke. Go back for my appt two weeks later, nurse takes my pressure, 165/90...doc comes in and says...

Blood pressure isn't good, sorry, but your done working.

WHAH???

Like, I'm done working for a week or so until we get it under control with rest and meds or what-not?

No, like you're done until after you have this baby...

WHAH??? I am done working at 25 weeks??? Just like that? I left work today in the middle of a big bid, expecting to come back tomorrow and work for another 3 months till I have my baby, but now I am just done, just like that? OMG, what am I going to tell my work?

So, life goes on. I called work, and told them I was on doctor ordered bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy, and they were great...they were very understanding, and actually helped me out in addition to being understanding...Luckily, I had taken out a short term disability plan with a benefit period of 3 months, which I had intended on having for the sole purpose of being able to take additional time off after the baby was born. Luckily for us I had taken it out, because it paid my salary for the 3 months I was on bedrest. There wasn't any left over for after the baby was born, but between using PTO and budgeting, I was still able to take my 3 months off after L was born.

I was lucky last time...My blood pressure was pretty well controlled through meds and partial bedrest, and it never went beyond that into pre eclampsia or eclampsia, which can be very detrimental to mom and baby...I made it to 38 weeks, and L was born healthy. As soon as I had him, my blood pressure returned to normal.

I was hoping that maybe this pregnancy would be different, but I am getting worried that it may not be...When I went in at 6.5 weeks for my early appointment (which I have because of my history of ectopic pregnancy) my blood pressure was 130/70. Not bad, but ALREADY CREEPING. Last time it was great until 24 weeks...now it is ALREADY creeping...I mentioned this to my dr when she came in and she said she expects it to go up during this pregnancy and for us to be doing tests (that would be urine protein tests, where I have to collect my pee for a 24 hour period in a jug and bring it in for them to test - fun!) and to be watching me...That's fine and dandy, but I am worried I am going to end up on bedrest earlier this time.

Last week I got a headache...I never get headaches, and a headache that doesn't go away with tylenol can be a sign of high bp...I took some tylenol and went to bed. It was gone the next morning, but it still got my brain going...I took my bp at one of those little pharmacy testing machines today, and it was 150/85! UGH! Could be partly cuz I just walked from the back of the parking lot and across the whole store, but still...

I am worried that I am going to end up on bedrest from my 12 week appt on or some crazy crap! Don't get me wrong; I do NOT want to risk the health of my baby, or myself, but OMG, what am I going to tell work? Sorry, I need 10 mos off? (7 for the rest of the pregnancy and the 3 I am taking afterward) Luckily, this time, I took out a 6 month short term disability benefit period, which means technically we would be getting the amount equal to my take home pay for the majority of my bedrest, which we should be able to make it on, but I forgot that I have daycare costs taken out of my check pre-tax, so when I figured what benefit amount we should apply for I didn't take that into account, so daycare costs would come out of that amount and I know I am getting ahead of myself, but UGH! And what if W were to get laid off on top of me being on bedrest and had to go on unemployment and was making less than 50% what he makes at work?!? Then what?

And I am worried with it starting so early that it may progress into worse this time...I never had protein in my urine last time, which is good, that meant that it was not progressing to toxemia, but maybe if it starts earlier it will this time?

I'm just scared.

Hopefully it will just be boarderline, and I can convince her to try and treat it with meds, but let me keep working for a bit...maybe it will stay boarderline and I can work something out with work to work from home part time or something for as long as possible...I know they would probably go for something like that...I am hoping they are as willing to help me this time as they were last time. I just worry that with the state of the economy and how we are slower now than we were last time I was pregnant that they will be less helpful and understanding...

I also know this is premature to be thinking about, but if I DO have problems again in this pregnancy, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be our last baby...

UGH.

My friend L really believes that the energy that we put out there is what comes back to us...that we create our own reality per se...I am really going to put faith in that and try to meditate and relax and put it out there to the universe that ALL WILL BE WELL...

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...

I can't believe Christmas is here already...with L's 2nd birthday right around the corner. Doesn't seem possible. And yet, it is.

I am really looking forward to Christmas; L doesn't understand it yet, but he recognizes Santa, and says "ho ho Mewy Qwimas" and I think when we start opening presents he is going to get excited about all of the stuff he is getting.

I really didn't get him much from us; between the three sets of grandparents, my brother and SIL, great grandma, great aunts on my FIL's side, family friends on my parents side, etc etc he is going to get way more STUFF than I am comfortable with anyway, so we only got him 3 things, one of which we bought on sale last year, and the other two only cost me a total of $10. Plus about $10 worth of stuff for his stocking.

W and I didn't get each other anything this year, since I got my vacuum and he his drill in the last month, plus our new carpet, we figured that was plenty for us. I did get him some of his favorite candy for his stocking, though :0)

I am really looking forward to spending time with our families this week. Tonight we are getting together with my mom and dad and my brother and his family. Tomorrow we go to a couple of private Christmas parties held in the little town where I grew up; the little bar (THIS bar) and the supper club open for a few hours for the locals / regular customers, have free snacky food and a couple of free drink tickets, and I LOVE it because I get to see a bunch of people I have known my whole life but only see at this one time each year (which is really enough for most of them hehe). I love catching up with people and showing off my little L. We have done this on Christmas Eve for as long as I can remember, and it really is a huge part of Christmas tradition for me.

(Oh, and the woman whom this letter was written to will be there tomorrow and I am excited to see her and her family. We have not had the chance to talk since she recieved the letter, but she had called and left me a very nice message that she really appreciated the letter, that it made her cry, that I really mean a lot to her as well, and that she was going to keep the letter, and thanks. Her father also said some kind words to me when I saw him shortly after. I could tell that it had touched them in just the way I had hoped it would. So I am excited to see her and to share the happiness of my pregnancy with her as well...)

Tomorrow evening, we will head to my mom and dads once again, and have mom's pizza burgers and home made chip dip. Our family friends C & J will be there, and I love them so and am so excited to see them as it has been quite a while.

Christmas morning we will spend a little time with just the three of us and have L open his few gifts. At noon we head to W's dad and his wife's house for lunch with their side of the family...it is small; there are only about 10 of us. There we have the whole traditional Christmas meal; ham, potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, fruit salad, some of uncle A's home made pickles, pie and ice cream. Thankfully we don't have anywhere to go that evening, cuz after that I really just need to go lay on the couch!!

On Saturday afternoon we get together with W's dad and his wife only and have our own private little Christmas. And on Sunday afternoon we head over to W's mom's house for dinner with her and her boyfriend. She is making her homemade pizza, which is, of course, to die for.

It gets to be a lot, and I am always thankful when it is over, but I love it.

I hope everyone has family and friends to spend at least some time with this Holiday (and that they find at least SOME joy in it...I know not everyone looks forward to getting together with family).

Then it is L's birthday next week.

WOW.

2 years already.

How did that happen?


And the baby...

It is starting to become more real to me now. With L, I felt an instant attachment. From the second I knew I was pregnant I felt a bond...With this baby, it is feeling different. I know when I start feeling her move and become aware of her with me constantly (in ways other than the fact that I feel like shit) that the bond will form. I am feeling the usual nervousness of having enough room in my heart to love another the way I love L; and am feeling worried that it won't feel as special with this one, but I know that all those fears will be for naught, and that I will love this one just as much as I love L as soon as I hold her in my arms...

(NO, I do not know that this baby is a girl, but I HATE that people feel it is okay to default to 'he' when talking about a baby in the womb, but get weirded out or laugh when I use the 'she' default, and so, of course, I like to default to 'she'...and YES, I do hope this one is a girl, but will be completely happy with another boy...)

This is what the little bean looks like this week:






Not much different but she is now between 1/2"-3/4" long and developing rapidy.

My rules

I always knew that if I was going to have a blog, I didn't want it to be a blog that was just a day to day regurgitation and sickeningly sweet celebration of all the adorable little things my son does. I know alot of people whose blogs are exactly that. All they ever talk about are their children, or that BBQ they went to yesterday.

I wanted my blog to be about more...because *I AM* so much more than just a mom to my child(ren). I wanted to have a place to express all these ideas and thoughts and questions and crap that rolls around in my head. And then sprinkle a little sickeningly sweet celebration of L in the mix, while totally keeping it real ;0)

There are lots of bloggers who do this, if you doubt it, check out her or him or him or her. They all rock. And they definitely talk about their kids, but their blogs are so much more than just that.

So, in my one track pregnancy frame of mind, I am going to try to keep this blog away from being JUST a diary of my pregnancy, but I can make no promises. But like my good friend R said; My blog, My rules.

So, I am 7 weeks + 5 days pregnant and it is amazing to me that this little being inside of me already looks like this:





And amazing how quickly things develop....

Hands at 48 days



Hands at 51 days



And the feet...

51 days



60 days



Amazing, isn't it? Even though the little bean is only 11mm long (think .43 inches, less than 1/2 of an inch...) he or she already has little fingers and toes. And a beating heart. And a few organs. And eyes.

Wow.

The other amazing thing is that a little being less than 1/2 of an inch long can make a full size human being feel like such dogshit.

And that that same human knows it will all be worth it in the end.

The appointment was good...

No flashback needed...I did not end up in emergency surgery as I did on March 8, 2006. The news was good, and all is right in my world...

Except for the 24/7 nausea, although it is to be expected...

And the light headedness, which is also to be expected...

I mean, you can't expect to feel 100% when you are PREGNANT, can you?

Although I read that some women feel 'Wonderful, energetic and radiant'. Really? Where are these supposed women? I don't believe I have ever met one. If they do indeed exist, I would like to see one for myself, so I can puke on her radiant little feet.

I myself feel as far from 'wonderful, energetic and radiant' as one can get. I am EXHAUSTED, cranky, dizzy, and nauseous as I said. I am nauseous when I don't eat, I am nauseous when I do eat. Therein lies my current dilemma. To eat and feel sick or not to eat and feel sick.

So yes, I am pregnant! I am due late July / early August, and we are very excited, and scared shitless! The state of the economy combined with the thought of bringing another member into our family scares me out of my mind, but I have learned that it will all work out no matter what. Somehow it works out.

We told our families this weekend and everyone is very excited, of course. We were going to wait until the holidays, but we decided against it for a couple of reasons, some which will probably come up at a later date, but mainly because *I* couldn't wait! I was excited to share the news, and tired of making excuses for why I have felt like crap.

So there, all is revealed. I will apologize in advance for all of the emotional gushing, baby talk, Too Much Information episodes and pregnancy insanity that is sure to become my blog for the next 8 months. For those of you who have not been pregnant, or had a pregnant significant other, this is sure to be a glimpse into the one track, insane, emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy. I only hope you will still read and like me when we exit the ride...

Oh, and the new carpet FUCKIN' ROCKS. I love it love it love it. Almost makes it feel like a new house. Almost. But all that laboring away with a wanna be wheel barrow was definitely worth it. DEFINITELY.

An appointment...

I have an appointment at 3:30. I will be heading there soon. Things could go one way, the good way, or things could go the other way, the not so good but not the end of the world way, and then my plans for tonite could be drastically different and I could be flashing back to March 8th, 2006.

Here's hoping that things go the good way, and that all is well and right in my world after my appointment, and that my plans of attending my friend S's 10th Anniversary Girl's Holiday Party are realized and no flashbacks need occur...

All of this will make sense soon, I promise. Just trust me and put the good vibes out there my few trusty readers.

Thanks :0)

I promise

to blog soon. Things are busy and crazy and I have stuff to say, but I just can't get to it quite yet.

The Holidays are fast approaching, and my carpet is soon to be installed (YAY!) and I am feeling plain old pooped out trying to get ready for all of it. I haven't even gotten any Christmas cards sent out yet, I want to do the photos ones again, but I haven't even ordered them yet!?! I have to get that done today or tomorrow if I want them to be out by X-mas, and getting and receiving cards is one of my FAVORITE things about the holiday!

I can't wait for all of our family get togethers...L is going to have much fun this year I think! It will be a special year for us :0)

Presents will be sparse this year across the board, and it feels like the Holiday is going to be more focused on what it should be focused on; family, and being thankful for the blessings we have...Amidst all of the economic turmoil, I have REALLY been feeling thankful that we can still think about ordering photo cards to send and that we can put some presents under the tree at all...I know there are LOTS AND LOTS of folks who were probably doing all of that last year that can no longer do those things this year, not to mention those who are struggling to even put food on the table and to heat their homes. I am truly SO VERY GRATEFUL for our situation.

Soon, I will blog more, soon, I promise...

To stop time...

I have been feeling a desperate need as of late to soak up as much time as possible with L. To etch into my memory every cute little mispronounced word or phrase and every tender moment. To bottle them up and pop a cork on them so that in 10 years or 20 years or 30 years I can pop the top and relive these moments as I am living them today. To preserve and protect them from erosion by passing time. To keep this raw emotion intact.

Or better yet, can I please just pause him here, just for a little while longer?

I just know that I am going to blink and he is going to be growing, growing, grown.

I rock with him in the chair, chest to chest, his head on my shoulder, and his feet rest on my shins and dangle down between my legs...Can this possibly be the same baby? The same baby whose head, just yesterday it seems, fit in the palm of my hand? Whom I could hold on my chest with his butt cupped in one hand?

I am once again feeling so overwhelmed by the swift passage of time...

This morning he is standing in the hallway, repeating something over and over as I am in the living room getting ready for us to leave...I thought he was saying basketball, so I bring him his basketball, only to find him pointing at a ladybug and excitedly repeating

"bakey-bug, bakey-bug!!!"

"Yes bud, that's a ladybug"

he points up to the light "Up high!"

"Did he come from up there?"

"Yeah!"

You are getting too smart, my little peanut.

Too smart and too sweet...

Saturday morning we were snuggling on the couch watching some cartoons, as we always do on weekend mornings, and he turns to me out of the blue, puts his hand on my face and says "I wub you, mama" and kissed me on the lips.

The first time he was on the initiating end of that exchange...

I wub you too, L, more than words can say. Surely more than I ever thought possible.

WTF is wrong with people?!

Seriously, there is something fundamentally wrong with our society when something like this happens. WTF is wrong with people?

What fucking "stuff" could be so important that people would crash through the doors and trample a man TO DEATH?

I personally have never been a Black Friday shopper, and this just reinforces why. A bunch of people acting like a bunch of starved, slathering pack dogs circling around dying prey.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

And sad. SO SAD for that man and his family.

All in the name of material 'things'.

What are we coming to?