The day I was forever changed...

Three years ago today, right now, I was in labor with my first son L. It was a day that has forever changed me in so many ways - as any of you who are parents surely know.

Never had I realized the TRUE depth and expanse of love until I gave birth to that baby. How is it that you can love that little person more than you've ever loved anyone the moment you lay eyes and arms on them? Or BEFORE you ever lay eyes and arms on them, even? How can that little helpless person, who cannot even hold their own head upright grab onto your heart and rip it out of your chest and carry it around, vulnerable and exposed, in the big bad world? How can that one little soul somehow lift you up when it seems that all is lost? Make things that had once seemed so important now seem trivial?

Since L, I have been able to let go of some things that I NEVER thought I would. He has made me slow down again and enjoy the little things in life. He has helped me to rediscover the beauty that exists all around me every day, every where. Seeing things again for the first time through his eyes is so amazing. Watching him grow and learn and change and become this little person has brought me joy I never knew could exist.

Becoming a mother has also brought me sadness in ways I never thought it would. Never did I realize how vulnerable I would feel. How every time I heard about a crash, a fire, an illness, a murder, starving children, abuse - these things would haunt me like never before. That I would ALWAYS imagine how horrible it would be were it MY child. That my heart would ACHE and that I would cry rivers for people I have never met who face these challenges. I would wonder how a person could ever live on after losing their child. And I would CONSTANTLY hope that somehow, SOMEHOW I can make it through this life without ever having to find these things out first hand.

Becoming a mom to L made me see my own parents in a whole new light - in good ways and bad. I understood things from a new perspective, which has helped me to both forgive them in some ways, and hate them in others.

I will not deny for a second that there are times I wish for JUST A MOMENT of peace. Just a moment when I am not needed by someone. That I could have some uninterrupted time to do something for ME and only ME. That there are times that I wish I could shut off the empathy because I don't know if I can take it any more. That there are times that I long for the freedom and time that I had before kids.

And yet, there isn't ANY WAY that I would change it. I love that little boy so much for ALL the ways he has changed my life; good bad and otherwise. I only hope that we can raise him up right, and that he makes good decisions, and that he loves himself and others around him, and that he lives a long, happy life.

And I will say that I am glad that tonight I will be ringing in the New Year amongst my friends rather than in the hospital in labor, although I would do it over again a million times for him if I had to.

So Happy Birthday my little L, at 3:11 am on Jan 1, I love you more than you will ever know; until you become a Daddy one day yourself.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

A sad day...

The matriarch of this family had a massive heart attack last night and is currently in critical condition, on life support and in an induced coma, at the hospital.

I am supposed to be working; I NEED to be working, but all I can think about is this family and the ache this is causing in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped by her room this morning because I had to be at the hospital anyway for work, in the exact wing she happened to be located, and I couldn't NOT stop. I didn't want to intrude, but I felt compelled to express my love and to let the family know I was thinking of them and that I was available if they needed ANYTHING.

I only stayed about two minutes, and didn't even enter the room; the whole situation felt sacred - something to be shared by the family. But the daughter (whom the letter was initally sent to) assured me that I was not, in fact, intruding, and thanked me for stopping. She mentioned the letter and said how it had had a very large impact on her mother; how proud and happy it had made her, and how they had talked about it often. All in all, I am very glad that I did stop.

That entire family means a lot to me, and has for the majority of my life. I am very saddened today. The prognosis at this point is not good - they will be doing some additional testing today. I am hoping and sending my love and energy their way.

And now I am going to try to get some work done.

A milestone on Thanksgiving...

Baby C rolled over today! Right in the middle of our Thanksgiving celebration he did it. We have known it was coming for a couple of weeks, as he has been getting WAY up on his side, and today he did it. I think he knew it would be even MORE exciting if he did it in front of a whole group of people :-) And then he did it again. And again! The look on his face the first time he did it was priceless...like "Whoa! How the heck did I get like this, Mom?!" and then "Hey, I'mma do that AGAIN!" He got a little scared at the roar of everyone cheering for him, but then he was right back at it.

Ahhh, they grow TOO fast! Soon, we will be chasing him everywhere, wishing he would be IMmobile for just two minutes ;-)

Hope everyone had (or is having, I guess) a wonderful Thanksgiving.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Every day on my way to work, I drive past a billboard for our state lottery. It is one for the BIG lotto game, where the jackpot never is less than 20 million. It changes whenever someone doesn't win to show the new estimated jackpot amount, and says things like

'25 million ways to thank your parents'

or

'85 million less minutes you will have to spend at work'

The game draws winners on Wednesdays and Saturdays, so AT LEAST 2 times per week I end up looking at the sign and I start day dreaming about what *I* would do if I won 20+ million dollars. I have to admit, I really like that dream.

I would travel to warm, exotic and interesting places with my immediate family, as well as take my closest family and friends on a group vacation somewhere fun and far away.

W could go to college - I would LOVE to see him be able to not work and just go to a 4 year college. He would do SO WELL with learning now. He has always been smart, but could have cared less about learning when he was younger. NOW, though, he would just soak up all of the knowlege to be had, I just know it. He would kick some college learning ass.

I would take some photography classes to get some formal schooling in that photography shit that I love so well, and I could open my own studio, and if nothing else, take free photographs of my friends and family.

I would put money away for each of the boys for college. I would make sure there was plenty there - who the hell knows how much college is going to cost by the time they are that age.

I would have AT LEAST one more baby. And maybe I would just go on having babies until my uterus fell out, who knows? If I could afford them I just may, because I KNOW I could LOVE them.

I would pay off my parents' bills and get them on their feet, and do what I had to so that they could retire and just enjoy their years. I am only being honest when I say that neither of them are going to live so long that if I won 20+ million dollars I wouldn't be able to support them until they died. Although, if I had that money, I would pay for my Dad to go to rehab. The BEST rehab. And hopefully it would work, and it would give him more years than he has on his current path.

I would help my brother - probably pay off his mortgage at least, so he could relax a little and not have to be so stressed.

I would help a few of my bestest friends who are SO deserving and could use a little hand up. I would hope I could do it in a way that they would not feel insulted, or inadequate or whatever; I hope they could know that I only wanted to help them a little because I LOVE them, and because they do SO deserve it.


I would pay off my house, and replace the windows and siding, put in central AC, replace the flooring in the kitchen / bathroom / entry, put up the retaining wall that is needed in the back (because our house is slowing sinking in the back - you can see that the addition on that side is slowly falling away from the rest of the house - yikes!), fill in the old cistern that we have discovered back there, put up a new garage (which is also falling down), and then sell it. Probably for cheap to someone who could really use a nice starter house. I would buy a bigger house - probably twice as big, around 3000 sf would do us plenty. Probably an older home that has been restored - we love that old charm.

I would buy a new car - probably a Nissan Maxima. Sweet :-) And I would give my car away to someone who could really use it.

I would give to charities that help impoverished people in our own country, as well as abroad. I would give to charities that help children who are dying realize a dream before they die. I would give to charities that help animals.

**SIGH** I sure do love that dream...

I love that dream because, above all, 20+ million dollars would buy me so much time. Time that, right now, I don't get to spend on the really important things, such as my family, because I am busy working to pay for things like food and shelter. And less important, but still desired things like cars, toys (for big and little kids alike), vacations, etc, etc. It would buy me time to persue hobbies, and to volunteer and time to just enjoy LIFE that doesn't involve working for a greedy boss to scrape by.

W says that it would be the worst thing that ever happened to a person; that it would RUIN a person. But I say only if you let it.

Maybe one of these days I should start buying that one lottery ticket per week that I always say I am gonna buy so I could actually have a shot at that dream, huh?

Funny, and yet not...

Someone just reminded me of this story, and I had to share it with y'all, because it made me laugh hard and shake my head at the same time.

So W is still a full time smoker. Of cigarettes. I quit smoking when I got preggo with L over 3 years ago. Although, between you and me, I still have one once in awhile - like if we go out for the night, or when we were at the cabin sitting by the bonfire at night, or once in awhile if it has just been an exceptionally stressful day at work. What can I say, I always did like to smoke. It's relaxing. But I have REALLY no desire to go back to it on a regular basis. I find I smell much better now. Not to mention the health benefits of NOT smoking. But anywho...

So anyway, W and his mom are sitting in L's playroom the other night, L is riding around on his little indoor trike (I was cleaning up the kitchen) and I hear Gramma tell L to ride to the store and get her some something or other. So, L rides out into the livingroom and back into the playroom and they must have done this a couple of times pretending he was getting different stuff, and all of a sudden I hear him say

'Here's yer 'mokes dad, I got you some 'mokes at da store!! Here Gramma, here's yer licorice!"

Funny! And yet so.NOT.funny...

Feeling like crap

I am feeling like crap today. Head cold. Continuously running nose, sneezing, sore throat, sinus pressure / headache, watery eyes.

It started 2 days ago, but today is decidedly worse. Hopefully this will be the worst day and it will get better from here. L and the baby both have a little cold too...L was coughing all night - at least he is big enough to use Vicks on him, which did help.

I don't think you should be allowed to get sick when you have kids. There should really just be a law against it.

I know it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with being sick before I had kids when I knew that at least if I made it through the day at work, that I could go home, tell W to cook for his damn self, plop on the couch and sleep for a good 12 hours before I had to get up and do it again.

Ahhh, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep sounds like heaven!

Now, I have to look forward to going home and dealing with a toddler and an infant, and if I am lucky, getting to sleep by 9pm. I can't really tell them to cook for their damn selves. Although we are just having pizza, so W can handle that, and hopefully I can at least lounge on the couch and just nurse the baby.

And maybe I will just leave the office door closed after I finish pumping and sneak in a 20 minute nap...that would help a bit too.

Hard

This is when it's hard.

When I am here, in my office pumping. Thiss is when I cannot help but think of his little self. If I close my eyes, I can picture him down there suckling. I can smell him and I can feel his fuzzy little head cupped in my palm like it is when he nurses. His chubby little hands resting on my breast, or wrapped around my finger. his little jaw moving; suck-suck-swallow...

I can see his face when his belly is full and he pulls of, looks me in the eyes, sticks his tongue out and smiles and coos at me. So content and full and happy. His new thing is blowing raspberries when he finishes. He lays there looking up at me smiling and blowing raspberries.

Yeah. This is when it's hard.

What?!?

So, awhile back, when C was probably around 6 weeks old, my sister in law had asked me how things were going with him, and I happened to mention that things were good, except it didn't feel like we were really falling into a napping routine during the day as much as L seemed to have been by that point. She has 3 babies, her third being just 2 months older than baby C. She mentioned she wanted to borrow me a copy of a book to read that she felt would help me. The book was Baby Wise. I had heard of it, and was interested in checking it out.

So I took it, and started reading it but I didn't get very far - it really turned me off from the start. I dunno why, I guess it just felt preachy and superior. Like, they would say they didn't think the 'other' way was wrong, but really it felt like that's exactly what they were saying. Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance, but I really just didn't think I liked where it was going.

She had asked me for it back the other day, so today I grabbed it and was heading over there. Before I headed out the door, I flipped through it quickly, thinking maybe I SHOULD have read it; maybe I would have gotten something useful out of it.

So I flipped to this one page, and it was talking basically about tending to your baby whenever it cries, and how if you give the baby attention right away every time it cries, then it will learn to expect immediate attention and they won't ever have any patience and will expect everything right away, etc etc. THEN it went on to correlate this idea to breast feeding, and that if a mother breast feeds 'on demand' whenever the baby wants to that the baby will learn to associate food with comfort, and that this could very well be a contributing factor to the obesity rate in our country!?!?!?!!??

WHAT?!!?

Ummm, yeah, pretty sure I personally was not going to find much useful information in THAT book. Not much that I could agree with anyway.

SERIOUSLY?! They honestly believe that nursing on demand is a contributing factor to childhood / adult obesity?! I find that absurd. I really do. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is - I haven't done any research on it - but my gut instincts tell me that is absurd.

And I was reading something else the other day about babies that sleep through the night early on, but then start waking in the night to eat again, usually around 4 months. One camp is of the opinion that the mother should NOT give in to the baby and feed them in the night, because they obviously CAN go for 8, 10, 12 hours without eating, as they have been doing it previously, and so the baby (a 3 or 4 month old baby, mind you) is MANIPULATING the mother.

WHAT?!!?

SERIOUSLY?! A 3 month old? Manipulating? Really? I mean, the baby couldn't possibly be HUNGRY, right!?

I don't buy it. Nope. Not drinking that Kool-aid.

C has woken up the last 2 nights at right around 3AM to nurse, even though he has been sleeping from about 7:30pm until anywhere from 6-8am for 7 weeks now. And I am sorry, but you cannot convince me that he all of a sudden decided that he was going to *manipulate* me by making me nurse him just for kicks in the middle of the night. That baby is H-U-N-G-R-Y! He burns through both breasts and then lays back down and falls back to sleep.

I just don't get some people's mentalities when it comes to young babies. I have witnessed a mom letting a 3 month old 'cry it out' at nap time, and I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong - we resorted to some modified 'cry it out' stuff with Logan, but not until he was older, and I KNEW he was indeed old enough to try and 'manipulate', if you will, to get his way. But this was a THREE month old. And I could see that it was killing the mother to be there, listening to her baby cry and cry and cry in the other room, and not going in to comfort her. And it hurt ME to watch the entire scene. I know she was trying to 'train' the baby, because some book told her if she didn't 'nip it in the butt' now, that her baby would run her life forever, but I just don't get that. Not with a 3 month old.

Don't get me wrong. I *DO* believe that it is our job as parents to create healthy habits in our children, and I do know that it doesn't take long for a baby to get into the 'habit' of something, but I don't know. Those types of methods just seem so cold and UN-NATURAL to me.

Not comforting a baby when it cries seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Not feeding a baby when they are hungry, because some book or some person along the way said they should only need to eat every three hours seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Making a baby cry himself to sleep in an effort to train him to comfort himself seems wrong and unnatural to me.

I don't know - to each their own I guess, but all that crap just doesn't feel right in my heart and in my gut, and I am thinking I am glad I didn't waste my time reading that book. There are just so many books out there saying 'do this' and don't do that' and for every book that says one thing is the 'right way', there are 3 that say the exact opposite.

And, ya know, I am such an anxious, type A, Capricorn person and I am always worried that how I am raising the kids and what I am doing is going to 'screw them up' that sometimes, SOMETIMES, I think maybe those people are right. Maybe they are right even though my heart tells me it's not so, and maybe I AM going to screw my kids up by loving them and coddling them and not making them wait when they cry and nursing them when they want to nurse, and so I worry.

But I know, I KNOW what I really need to do is just listen to my heart...

November 2009

For Kori :-)

Click here to view these pictures larger

Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

Back to work

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It is really making me sick to my stomach, and so sad.

I know it gets easier, but it is SOO hard at first, and right now, I REALLY don't want to do it. Today cannot go slow enough. The boys and I have been playing playing playing all morning, and right now, the younger is taking a little nap, and the elder is having a bit of lunch, and I am wishing the day would drag on forever and ever.

If shit wasn't all messed up at work it wouldn't be quite as bad. Last time I was on leave, that place was toxic when I left, but things had changed while I was out, and I returned to an altogether different place. BETTER different. This time, it was decent when I left, but is almost more toxic now than it was the last time. I really have no desire to go back to that. I am keeping my eyes open and looking for something else, but there just isn't much of anything around here in my line of work...

I have always said I didn't think that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but this time, I don't know. If we could afford it, I probably wouldn't go back to work. It just feels different this time. I know FOR SURE I could go for only working 3 or 4 days a week - that would be a perfect balance. I could still work outside the home, which I DO honestly enjoy doing, but also get ample time at home with the boys...

I have been holding baby C as much as I possibly could for the last week or so. I honestly don't care if it causes him to get used to being held and causes issues for my daycare lady; he will adjust. I have just needed to keep him as close to me as possible these last few days of our undivided time together. I have even been keeping him in bed with me when he wakes up for his 5 or 6 am feeding; nursing him laying down, both of us falling back to sleep together when he is done. I NEVER did this with Logan, but I can see the draw of co-sleeping - how wonderful to snuggle next to my little one. To hear the measure of his breathing and feel his breath on my chest. The smell of him while I sleep. To wake up to his rooting around and grunting and to see him smile when my face is the first thing he sees upon waking. *SIGH*

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to suck big ass. As will probably the next 2 weeks, until I can get back into the routine. At least Thanksgiving Holiday is coming up fast, and in only a couple of weeks I will get 4 straight days with them again.

Wish me luck.

The elder is done eating, so we are gonna play some puzzles before his nap, and then I am gonna snuggle the younger and hope the afternoon and evening drag on.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

Welcome to our sweet little baby...

BOY!!

Caelan John was born August 9th at 11:01 am. He weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs 9 ozs and was 22" long. Once it was time, he came fast and hard, but both he and I are healthy and happy and adjusting to our new family life.

I generally avoid using any of our names on my blog, for whatever reason, but this one time I felt I just really wanted to share his name with you, as I think it is unique and beautiful. It is a name that W came up with about 2 months prior to birth, and was one that I had thought was okay. I was by no means sold on it at that time, but then again, I totally thought it was going to be a non issue since I was convinced I was going to have my girl. From now on I will refer to him as Cj.

As I said, Caelan is a little replica of his big brother. He looks so damn much like L did when he was born, it is almost freaky at times. The first thing the doctor said when he was born is "He looks JUST LIKE his big brother!!!" Everyone who had close contact with L when he was little says the same thing. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a different baby - I keep having deja vu!! And when L holds him, it is the weirdest thing - it is like him holding a newborn version of himself...WEIRD!!

So I didn't get my girl. And I will be honest and say that there was some disappointment for me in that, but not for long. How can one remain disappointed when a beautiful, healthy, sweet little baby, boy or girl, is laid in your arms, and nurses at your breast, and looks at you with that look that says "Hi mama, I have been waiting to meet you"?? This Mama surely couldn't. As soon as that little man was in my arms, looking like a little replica of his big brother, all thoughts of disappointment dropped away.

I did, however, get my unmedicated (mostly), vaginal birth, even though this little guy got his shoulder stuck like his big brother did. Due to my history of shoulder dystocia with L, along with the fact that this baby was situated exactly how L had been (head down and very low for a long time prior to birth), my fear of a repeat and my VERY STRONG desire not to have a C-Section, I had taken a little advice from my friend Ms. Moon and spoken to my doctor before hand about our plan in the event this baby did indeed have should dystocia, and I am SO THANKFUL that I did. Many a doctor would have immediately taken me for an emergency C-section without even trying any measures to get the baby out vaginally at that point. Thankfully, I have an AWESOME doctor whom I love and respect even more after this second birth experience with her.

I am going to share the details of my birth story, as I want to document them for myself as well, and I have so much to say about all of these emotions running through me, but for tonight, I am going to have to stop here...It is 11 pm, and W is out with the guys tonight, and L and Caelan are sleeping soundly, but I know that all too soon (soon as in like 2 hours) the lil guy will be up and ready to nurse, and I am TIRED y'all...this newborn stage is a lot of work in it's own way. But it is SO FREAKING ABSOLUTELY worth it. W and I cannot quit proclaiming these days just how blessed we are every time we look at one of our two gorgeous little boys.

So, more to come - hopefully soon, but I won't make any promises that I might not be able to keep ;0) We leave for the cabin next Saturday for a week, and I haven't even BEGUN to pack, or figure out just what we all need to bring this year, so it will be a busy week next week!!

41weeks + 2 days...It's time...

In a little over 2 hours, we will be checking in to the birthing center so my doctor can break my water and get this show on the road, although I cannot believe I have not started full blown labor on my own yet.

As of Friday morning, I was dilated to 5cm, 80% effaced and baby was at like +2 station...All signs point to go, but this baby just doesn't want to come out!! So we will be going in, and my doctor thinks that just breaking my water should be enough to put me into labor well enough. So hopefully no pitocin even, which would be great.

My massage therapist friend L is going to be there with W and I for labor, to help me try to do this without an epidural. I am hoping since I am halfway there already that this will be a quick labor, and all will go well.

I am SO EXCITED!!! AHHH!!!! I cannot believe that within mere hours we will FINALLY get to meet this baby!! I am nervous as well, but I know we can do this.

I just SO HOPE this baby is healthy. Please oh please oh please let the baby be healthy...

And what I really want to do right now, at 4:42 am is go upstairs and hold my baby L, who is not a baby anymore, but told me today that 'he is little...he is baby L' and in my heart that is so true and wasn't it just yesterday that I was giving birth to HIM? And I am feeling melancholy cuz now it's all going to change, and he will no longer be my only baby, and he will have to move over and share my heart...and although it is such SUCH a joyous thing, it is also a bit of a sad thing too. And I want to just go hold him for a bit and smell him and remember him just like this, before he becomes 'the big brother'. Lately, like the last couple of weeks, he has felt like he has aged quite a bit. And I have a feeling that is going to expound once this baby is born. My baby L.

So, I will be back home in a few days with photos and stories...Wish me luck!

40 weeks +3 days...

And we are still waiting. My lack of posting is not because I am in the hospital with this baby in my arms unfortunately, but because the baby still doesn't want to come out yet. I have tried the tricks, I have tried talking to her/(him), I have tried bribery, I have tried pre-grounding her/(him), but alas, no luck.

And so, we continue to wait. I just hope it happens soon. Have I said lately that I am just SO DONE?!?

Grass...

I went up to L's room one morning this weekend upon him awakening to bring him downstairs. I was dressed in just the tank top and undies that I had worn to bed, and between the expanding belly and the lack of maintenance, some of the 'forest' musta been sticking out, cuz when I stood in front of him as he stood on his toddler bed, he excitedly told me:

"MAMA! You dot drass!!" and bent down for a little better look...

followed matter of factly by:

"I don like drass..."


Oh, my son, some day you will like's a girl's grass well enough...(but never your mama's grass)

Yeah, what she said...again

I am once again going to send you over to see the lovely Ms. Mooon and check out this post because she just says things so well. I feel basically the same way she does, and yeah, maybe in a non-9-months-pregnant frame of mind I could figure out how to express all of this in my own words, but I figure what the hell, it's easier just to send you over there.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Waiting.

We are still waiting.

No baby yet.

This one is going to be stubborn I think.

I really thought she(he) would be a Cancer. But she shall be a Leo - and that is okay. Leo's are said to be charismatic and positive-thinking, and to be natural born leaders. They are also said to be born fortunate and attract many friends and opportunities. Sounds good to me. Besides, I don't know if I could handle another moody, broody, emotional Cancer in my house - her father is the perfect example of a true Cancer ;0). Leo sounds like the perfect combination of my positive Capricorn traits and the positive aspects of her father's Cancerian traits.

The first thing I really want for her (okay okay, or him) is to be healthy. Please oh please oh please let her be healthy.

When I got home from work yesterday, L said "The baby didn't come out yet?" LOL, even L is ready for me to be done...mostly cuz I have told him that Mama won't be able to make the walk to the duck pond until after the baby comes out. We have been driving there, but both miss getting there by walking.

Last night, I told L to tell the baby to "Come out, we are ready to meet you" and he ran over and put his hands on each side of my belly and planted his lips against it and said "COME OUT BABY!!! WE READY TO MEET YOU! WE WANT TA HOLD YOU!!"

Oh my sweet little man, my love my joy you make my heart smile so and I swear it will burst from the overwhelming love it holds for you. I can't believe we are soon to have another one to bring that much more joy to our lives...I cannot wait to see you interact with your lil brother or sister - you are going to be a great big brother...

Oh he is SO our child...and the next battle.

My newest niece was baptized on Saturday after 5 o'clock mass, and we could have just went to the baptism and skipped mass, but like a good auntie and uncle, we loaded L up and headed to mass with the rest of the family. We still feel inclined to put on the show I guess...W more so than I, but whatever. We do both honestly give it a chance each time we are so inclined to go (which, since our wedding in 2005 has been a total of 4 times...the baptisms of my 3 nieces, and L's own baptism), and we DO try to see if we can get anything out of it, but for me, as is always the case, the only thing I seemed to get out of it was more proof of things about the belief system that just don't ring true nor sit right with me, and more proof that I do NOT want to allow my children to be brainwashed into believing that there is only one *right* answer...

And yet, it works for my brother and his wife, and for many others, and I *do* want my children to see different faiths *working* for different people - cuz THAT'S exactly what I want them to learn and believe - that there are many paths and none of them is the only *right* answer. (Except for those who believe they will be celebrated in the afterlife for killing those who believe differently from them - I am sorry, but that I cannot accept.)

So we enter the church and as we are walking down the aisle, L is walking in front of me and I am holding his hand...he gets about halfway to where we are going and I hear this slow cry starting which quickly builds up to a full fledged cry as he turns around to me and puts his arms up and let's me know that he needs-to-be-picked-up-RIGHT-NOW-Mama-cuz-I-am-not-comfortable-here! So I pick him up and he wrapped himself around me, buried his face in my neck and clung on for dear life! He stopped crying, but continued to cling on to me for dear life. He dared here and there to peak out and check out his surroundings, but it took half of the mass for him to even want to do that. When he did dare to look around, he found that there ARE lots of interesting things to look at in a church, but I am pretty sure he still felt intimidated by the space and all the people. Each time the congregation started singing, he would cling a little tighter and peer out and around.

He did not make a peep until people started getting up to go up to communion, when he blurted out "Can we go home now?!" which resonated through the silent shuffling of those going up to partake in the eating of their savior (?!?!), and elicited a few chuckles.

After mass was over, and all the people were gone save for those of us attending the baptism, and the lights were dimmed down, he loosened up and played with his cousin while waiting for the baptism. So, honestly, I think it was more all of the people which made him nervous more so than anything else.

But still, W and I could not help but find a little bit of humor in L's reaction to mass. I cannot blame him, I feel a little traumatized each time I go myself ;0)


Sadly, the baptism just reaffirmed in my mind and my heart and my soul that I just do not want to baptize this child...We had this discussion again on the way home, and W is STILL of the mindset that we *have* to do it, so as not to cause waves, and so as not to freak the family out. For me, it comes back to the fact that to THEM, it really means something...to THEM, when we stand up there with them as witnesses, and we *promise* to raise our child in the catholic church, that is exactly what it is - a promise that we intend to raise them that way. And I have NO INTENTION what-so-ever of doing so, and neither does W. And although I may not hold the faith system in my heart, I still RESPECT it, and THEM, and THEIR faith in it. So, to me, it isn't fair to THEM to go up there and make those promises knowing full well that we do not intend to keep them, knowing that it REALLY MEANS something more to them.

And it's not fair to US that they cannot just be accepting of our decisions, and that we should feel that we have to do something against our better judgement in order to 'not offend the family'. What irritates me more than anything is that if we express our true spiritual beliefs, they will think differently of us? How is that? Are we not the same people they love day in and day out? The same loving, decent human beings? But finding out that we do not share their exact religious beliefs will somehow make them like or love us less?? Somehow make us lesser people? That is THEIR shortcoming, as far as I am concerned, and I am so tired of that way of conditionally being loved.

My father even came to me during dinner afterward and asked if we were going to have Father J (the priest who baptised my neices and L, who was joining us for dinner) baptize this baby also, and I was truthful when I said "Dad - we don't know WHAT we are going to do with this baby." And he said okay, but I know he didn't for one moment think that meant that we may NOT baptise the baby, just that we didn't know where or when.

This will be the next battle - for me personally and spiritually, for W and I (as I said, he is still very much of the camp that we just do it and move on), and for us and our families.

For me personally, I think it is the opportunity I need to take to come clean with MY family...I need to be true to MYSELF and true to MY JOURNEY. The hardest part of that is that this is not JUST my journey - OUR children are not just MY journey - they are W's also, and I need to respect his position in this journey as well. I need to figure out how to respect us both, and right now I have no idea how I am going to do that...

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

Pregnancy updates

(Warning: Possibly more than you want to know pregnancy stuff.)

It's not that bad, but I just want to put that warning up there because this IS about pregnancy stuff...and maybe someone reads and just doesn't want to know about dilation and softening and pain etc, etc. So if you don't, then stop reading now.

So I had a checkup yesterday, 36 weeks 5 days pregnant, another 4# gained (it's all water at this point, it's all water...if I keep telling myself that I think I will be okay ;0) ) bringing my total weight gain to 40 pounds. As Kori would say, MEH. Whatever. I have lost more than that before, I can do it again.

I talked to the doctor about how I have been feeling the last couple of days, and she said that the contractions I have been feeling are probably the real deal, just early ones, and she was so funny cuz she started to get excited about checking my cervix! She said "I am excited to check and see what's happening down there!" She cracks me up. The she also said she was hoping something was happening, cuz she didn't want to have to tell me that there wasn't anything going on yet.

No worries there...she was hardly even up in there when she said "Whoa, baby is RIGHT THERE." Which doesn't surprise me. I pretty much could tell that from the way I have been feeling, and L was the same way. I mean, you should have seen the cone head on that boy. He even had the doctor worried for a bit. I will have to share that photo sometime, even though W HATES it, and curses me for showing ANYONE, and would totally delete it if he really knew where to find it...But I am SO glad I took it, because even *I* didn't realize how bad of a cone head he had until a couple months later when I looked at the photo and my jaw hit the floor. It was BAAD. But look at him now; he's got a fine head, and he is possibly the cutest little boy EVER. :0)

But anyway...so baby is right down in there, and my cervix is very soft and dilated to about a 2. So not much, but it is enough for me. At least something is happening. And I know I could walk around like this with no change for 2 or 3 more weeks, but I also know that I could go tonight.

We talked about the pain, and about bowel movements; but I won't subject you to that...THAT would be going a bit too far, I think. But basically, we came to the conclusion that the pain is coming from the baby being SO LOW and not from anything dire. Of course, if it continues, or gets worse, or if I have ANY doubts, she encouraged me to call OB and come in.

After my appointment with the doctor, I got to have another massage with my wonderful friend L. And whatever she did, she did right, cuz I must say I am feeling a lot better today than I did the whole beginning of this week. She relaxed something that was just way too wound, and I feel loose and good today. I was SO RELAXED and TIRED last night, and I crashed on the couch at 8:30 pm, which is pretty early for me. I feel refreshed today.

My friend L also did a little massaging of some various pressure points and muscle groups that can be helpful in encouraging the onset of labor. We will see.

On the name front, I am really kinda falling in love with the name Cretia. Cretia Lyn. Or maybe Lucretia Lyn, which I kinda like because I like the idea of both of the kids names starting with L. I could call her Cree for short. Most of my family and friends have recoiled when I say it (including W) save for a few who like it, but I really really think I like it and I really really think I don't care what any of them think. Except for W; I guess I really have to take his opinion into consideration, but I already told him that I have veto power on this one cuz he got to name L...hehehehe. Not that I would name our child something that he ABSOLUTELY HATED, like Chloe (he thinks it's a stripper name!) but I think if I REALLY feel like this baby is a Cretia, that I can convince him to go with me ;0). I guess we will see when the baby comes.

Pain

(Warning: possibly TMI pregnancy type stuff)

Since Monday I have been having pains. They are coming from the lower part of my uterus, or maybe from some organ behind my uterus, but they are down low. They are sharp. They are not consistent, but they have been off and on all day, each day. I cannot say that they necessarily get better or worse if I change position. I cannot necessarily link them consistently to tightening, so I can't really say if they are contractions or not. My lower back is also very achy, like when Aunt Flo is visiting, which I KNOW for sure I experienced during labor last time. And between the sharp pains I am achy in front like I am when Aunt Flo is around, which I ALSO know I experienced during labor last time. The pains seem better after I have been laying down all night, which makes me think that it is more something like the baby is putting pressure on my bowels and as 'things' try to pass through there, they are causing the pain. I know with my last pregnancy I had REALLY painful gas issues, so it could REALLY be that. Or something like that. I know the baby has dropped more at some point in the last week too.

So I don't really know what it is. I didn't think much of it Monday or yesterday, just thought it would pass, but now it's the third day, and seems to be getting worse, and I really kinda just wanna cry. If this is the beginning of labor, I wish it would just get a move on - and if this is something else, I hope it stops soon, cuz I just don't know how I will make it through another couple of weeks feeling like this.

I've got a call in to my doctor to verify what I can take for stool softeners, cuz I really just think it has to do with that. Hopefully she calls back soon and I can get my butt to the store and get something to rememdy the situation. And either way, I KNOW I can drink some prune juice, and that should help. **Crossing fingers**

Okay, I am done whining. For now.

On a completely different note:

W and I have plans to take L to pick strawberries on Saturday morning. I NEED my strawberries so I can make my jelly for the next year; I just CANNOT do store bought jelly anymore, and I just cracked my last jar from last year this morning. L is going to have SO MUCH FUN! We planted a few strawberry plants in our garden this year, and he had so much fun always checking them for berries, but they have pretty much produced all they are going to for this year. I know it may be a little difficult having him pick at the berry farm since he is only 2.5, but I figure this way I can let W do most of the actual *picking* and I can mostly keep an eye on L...hehehe. Cannot WAIT for some fresh picked strawberries!!

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

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We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

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I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Coming to it on his own

So L still won't sleep in his big boy bed after his snake nightmare the other night. He slept there for naptime on Monday and Tuesday, when he was home with W those two days, but when it comes to bedtime, at NIGHT, he's not havin it. Monday night he crawled into his big boy bed for about 10 minutes, but must have gotten to thinking about his dream, cuz then he was crying and adamant that he wanted to go into his crib.

Even after showing him multiple times that there are no snakes under his bed, and also telling him that his (stuffed) kitty and our other cats would eat any snakes that DID try to get into the house, he still wasn't convinced that it was okay.

W is of the mindset that we need to 'just make him sleep in his bed'...that somehow FORCING him to sleep there will miraculously make him get over his fear. *I*, on the other hand, am of the opinion that we continue to try and convince him that it is safe, and *try* to talk him into sleeping in the bed, but if he insists, that we let him sleep in the crib, and that sooner or later (and probably sooner) he will get over it and be back in his big boy bed. (So far, I am winning, lol ;0)) I can somewhat see his point and what he is thinking, but I still don't think forcing him to sleep there is the right way to go about it.

So, I will just keep trying to convince W that letting him come about it on his own is the right way to go about it, and hope that L decides soon that it is okay to sleep there in the dark.

Nightmare

I awoke in the dark to him crying out, SOBBING, a sound that immediately cut through my heart, my soul, and I jumped up off the couch and I ran up the stairs, faster than I thought I could move at this point, and I took an extra step up at the landing and stumbled, but didn't fall and kept running up the rest of the steps because it was one of THOSE cries; an OMG I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NO JOKE sobbing, and did he fall out of bed? It's only 12" to the floor, and how could he get hurt falling out of there, but JEEZ, something is really wrong and OH MY poor poor baby Mama is coming.

When I got into his room I could see by the light of his radio that he was still in bed and his eyes were squeezed shut and he was SOBBING, and his face was streaked with tears and is he awake or is he sobbing in his sleep? And if I wake him will he know it's me or will it freak him out more? And I say "Shhhh Baby, L, it's okay, Mama's here, Shhhh Baby, what's wrong? Mama's here..." and I touch him on the cheek and he opens his eyes and he says as he is reaching for me "It BIT me, down der, it BIT me on da put" and one of his legs IS hanging off the bed, but what the hell would have BIT him? and I scoop him up and he wraps himself around me and hangs on for dear life and I say "Shhhh, mama is here, it's okay now Shhhh" and we rock in the chair and my shoulder is wet instantly with his tears and he nuzzles as tight into me as he can and he says again "It bit me" but there is no blood, and I just hold him tightly and once again we are tangled together as one and his fear is my fear and my hurt to help bear until finally he calms and his breathing slows and the hitching of his breath stops and finally I feel it is safe to ask if he is ready to lay back down in his big boy bed, but he points to our bedroom and whimpers, and then points to the empty crib and tells me he wants to sleep in his crib and of course, I oblige. He takes his 'beebee' (blanket) and his kitty and he wedges himself into the corner of his crib and covers himself and his face with his blanket and kitty and he drifts back to sleep. And I know he is feeling like his beebee and his kitty are his shield and if he covers up completely nothing can get him because I STILL do that when I have a bad dream, and I just wanna crawl in with him and hold him and take all his fear away.

And this morning he awoke happy and smiling and calling out his usual "Mama - can I go down da stairs?", his signal that he is up and ready and looking for me to come give him permission to get out of bed and come downstairs...And after I got him downstairs on the couch I checked his feet over and as I was looking at them he looked at me with wide eyes and said "A nake bit me. On my put. He bit me. Up der" and pointed upstairs and I said "Oh NO L, you just had a bad dream, there are no snakes in your room, nope, no snakes in our house" and he didn't believe me and said again that "a nake up der bit me" but I assured him again that there are no snakes in our house and he brightened up and said "No nakes? No nakes in our house ta git me?" and I assured him again, and I think he believed me, and I HOPE he believed me, and I think we may need to do some reassuring tonight to get him into his big boy bed again, and Oh my, his first nightmare and I just wanna take all the fear away...take it all away for him. And this is only the beginning. How am going to get through all the times when I want to take away all the pain, the dissapointment, the sadness, the emotional hurt, the unfairness that is life and I can't?? And I have to just be there to hold him and say Mama's here, but what about when that is not enough, but is all I can do?? And how will my heart come out the other side of motherhood intact after being shattered again and again?

In bloom

As I was leaving the house this morning, I noticed that this plant, that hangs in our laundry room / cat room / entry / sun room (not that you could sit in there, it literally is a little entry way that at one point was built onto the outside corner of the house, but it has lots of windows and is sunny) is in bloom.

I have had this plant for almost 6 years, and it has never had flowers on it before. I did not even know it COULD grow flowers. Weird. And pretty. And, I will tell you this as I laugh at myself; when I saw them, I actually reached out to touch them while thinking "Are those REAL?" Ya know, like you might do at someone ELSE'S house when you see a pretty plant / flower and you don't ACTUALLY KNOW whether or not the plant is real, so you reach out to touch it....Yeah...I am claiming innocence on that little momentary lapse of clarity and blaming it, once again, on preggo brain.

I don't know what type of plant this is, but it is my favorite houseplant, because it is unique (as far as vining house plants go) and because of how it came to be mine...W says I 'stole' it, but I did no such thing...I just *accidentally* broke a little piece off of a plant that was for sale at Target while shopping one day - literally, it was ONE LEAF AND ABOUT 1" OF STEM - and took it home and nursed that little clipping until it sprouted enough roots to plant. And today, it is a big beautiful thriving house plant. Which I am proud of. And think is unique and beautiful and which decided out of the blue that it should sprout some flowers and bloom.

Huh.

Happy Anniversary to W and I...

(Please note that this was intended to be posted Thursday, as that was our anniversary, but I got busy and didn't have time to finish it that night...Also note that this post is just a long trip down memory lane for me and may be a little boring for you :0))


W and I got married 4 years ago today. It was a gloriously sunny day; not a cloud in the sky. It was hotter than hell, like 98 or better, but not a drop of humidity, THANKFULLY. Had it been humid, it would have been miserable. I remember it had been an unusually rainy spring; it rained EVERY WEEKEND for the 7 weekends before our wedding date, and I remember being EXTREMELY worried that it would rain on MY BIG DAY. But, it didn't :0)

W and I spent the night before the wedding apart; my girls and I stayed at the house and booted him out to spend the night at his best man's house...I woke up that morning, rolled over in bed, looked my best friend of 21 years (since we were 5!), R, in the eyes and said "I'm getting MARRIED today!!!!" to which she replied "I know!!!" LOL...it really was the perfect start to a perfect day. There was something very surreal about waking up next to her; it brought me back to when we were kids having sleepovers (which happened often) and it just didn't seem possible that we could be adults, in our mid 20's, her with a babe at home and another on the way, and me getting married...It felt like maybe it was all a dream and we were REALLY still just kids, prentending it was my wedding day.

She was 6 mos pregnant at the time, R was, with her second babe, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I now fully and COMPLETELY can comprehend just how good of her it was to stand up there, in the 98 degree heat, in a modified bridesmaid dress, in a Catholic Church, have tons and tons of photos snapped, stand up and make a toast in front of 275 pairs of eyes, and dance the night away with me all while being 6+ mos pregnant. Not that she would have ever said no - I know it meant alot to her to be a part of my day, but it had to have been hard. Now that I have been pregnant myself, I can say that in NO WAY would I be excited about the prospect of doing all that crap at 6+ months pregnant. I would TOTALLY want to be part of my friend's day, and would TOTALLY do it, but I am sure it was by no means an EASY, super enjoyable day for her. Her part in my special day means even more to me now that I can understand it from that perspective :0)

We got married in a Catholic Church because it was what we knew and what was 'expected' of us. Growing up, that was the only kind of wedding I ever saw, and so my dreams of my wedding day had always been shaped around that. Although I had already moved far FAR away from the religion of my childhood at that point, I was not far enough along in my journey and not strong enough at that point to do it any other way. And I do not regret it, but will say that if I had it to do over again NOW, I would definitely do it different. The only part of it that truly bugged me was the part of the vows that talked about promising to accept the children that god gave us and to bring them up in the Catholic Church...I already had NO INTENTIONS of doing any such thing.

I always thought W would be the nervous one, but as it turns out, *I* shook like a LEAF through the entire ceremony...W was holding my hands and at more than one point had to ask me if I was okay I was shaking so hard. But I made it through, and only sounded a *little* silly as my voice got higher and higher pitched as I recited my vows, so that by the time I said "I do" I am 99.9% sure I squeaked that part out sounding like a mouse. And we only had one awkward moment when the 90 some odd year old ancient priest decided to take a little nap in his chair after communion, and the music had ended and everyone in the church started rustling around uncomfortably, not sure what to do next...I am pretty sure this was when R and I looked at each other and got the giggles, which we were SOMEHOW able to contain to the SILENT giggles, which probably didn't look any different to all the people in the pews than all the SHAKING I had been doing throughout the ceremony anyway.

My brother gave a great TEARFUL speech at dinner, my dad a drunken speech, my friend R a truthful heartfelt one...We ate, and visited and drank (well not me - just a little wine with dinner, but W, he drank...along with a lot of others who had their fill!) we danced, we celebrated, we loved. I got told over and over how I was the most radiant bride people had ever seen; that the love that W and I share was pouring out of us so visibly that day. And it was. And it does. I felt absolutely beyond beautiful that day...which is a feat for me...My self esteem has come a long way since I was a kid / teen, but I still have trouble seeing myself as beautiful, even though people tell me so, but that day, I had no troubles feeling it what-so-ever.








We partied after the reception at our house with our wedding party and some close friends...I remember busting out our bong and smoking some in front of my now sister in law, who was just starting to get serious with my brother at the time, and who probably had some knowledge that W and I were not so straight laced, but had probably never seen pot or a bong in her life, but I didn't care - it was my day and my house. I am pretty sure I went to bed around 4am, in my wedding dress and W came in as the sun came up and the birds were singing good morning.

Most of the wedding party and some of the friends crashed at our place, strewn around our house on couches, chairs and the floor...we were awoken at about 7:30 am by my crazy dad pounding away in the front yard, installing some stone steps that W had been meaning to get to for a while. LOL...my crazy dad...yeah.

I spent a lot of that next day still in my wedding dress and all my dolled up hair and makeup. I figured shit, I paid all that money for all that stuff, might as well enjoy it for as long as possible, right? Although I didn't spend too much money - I bought my dress off the rack on clearance for $100, and only spent $30 on alterations - Yeah baby ;0)



(7 Mile Beach, Negril Jamaica)

We left on Tuesday to spend a week in Negril, Jamaica on our honeymoon, and I will just say that that week was honestly the best week of my life. I have never felt so relaxed, happy and so deeply in love as I did that week. I have never seen such natural beauty as that of the white sandy beaches, teal greenish - blueish clear Caribbean water, the wildness of the jungle as we traveled inland to take a day trip to hike up a stream. THAT was a trip...from stopping on the side of a mountain on the way up to visit a true to live Rasta man who hacked us up fresh pineapple, that he had just picked, with a machete, while trying to get as many marlboro's off us as he could, with a huge doobie hanging out of his mouth the entire time; to eating fresh mango that our tour guide pulled from the mineral spring (OMGOD heavenly), to jumping from a cliff, to diving under the water to pass through a hole in this rock under the water (that was nuts - W wouldn't do it, but I did - I wouldn't do it again, but I am glad I did it once!), to our bus getting pulled over by the police on the way back to our resort. Seems they had some little issues with our driver's paperwork. The 'police', by the way, carried fucking machine guns, and I will be completely honest in saying that I was FREAKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT as they argued with our driver...I kept thinking 'maybe they AREN'T the police...'. After hasseling our driver for awhile they let us pass, and I was able to relax again...



I pushed beyond my fears of the water and spent lots of time swimming, did a little snorkeling, jumped off the catamaran boat and swam around the caves by Rick's cafe which are amazing...and where the locals cliff jump from CRAZY heights...a few of the people on our cruise tried it too - THAT was one thing I didn't even consider ;0).



We ate candle lit buffet dinner barefooted on the beach most every night, and had fresh fruit smoothies and made to order omelets for breakfast most every morning. We opened the shutters in our room and laid on the bed listening to the rain and thunder which came each afternoon for an hour or so, and then blew away leaving more sunny skies and hot weather. The thunder was truly amazing...louder than any I have ever heard. Must have something to do with rolling out over the open ocean or something...




(Where the magic happened...well, *some* of the magic...some happened in OTHER places too, but we won't go into that ;0) )


(Oh, that hammock was TO DIE FOR. I really almost smuggled it home with me)


Mostly, I think it was just the relaxation that made it all so amazing. Of course, the relaxation was aided by a wonderfully mellow buzz from a little bit of Jamiaca's finest smoke, courtesy of our beach friend Elvis - not too mention all of the banana rum drinks that flowed freely all day and night! I am sure that the weight I gained was more from the banana drinks than all the food I ate!!


(This was the view from 'our spot' on the beach where we spent a LOT of our time...**sigh** wish I was there now :0) )




(Our beach friend Elvis...and me in my standard attire - sarong, tank top and sandles...with a banana rum drink in hand! Hmmm...for someone who really HONESTLY hardly ever drinks, I sure did drink a lot of alcohol THAT week!)

It just really was the most amazing time of my life, and I cannot believe that I almost didn't book the trip because I thought we couldn't afford it. My friend J convinced me that we MUST do it because if we didn't - if we said 'We will do it in 5 years' that we would SO REGRET it and that we probably would not get around to it and I am SO GRATEFUL for her relentless badgering because she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. We COULD afford it then; and had we waited, there is no way we would be doing it next year on our 5 year anniversary. There is no way we could afford it now. And in my heart I know that it would not be the same as it was then. The combination of all the stress and planning leading up to the wedding, and the excitement of just being married, and the fact that we didn't have any kids at home to miss (besides the cats!) made it impossible to recreate that same experience 5 years later. However, I do so hope that we are able to make it back there some day and are able to 'somewhat' recreate that level of relaxation, adventure and pure reveling in our love for each other.


(Looking at that photo, all I can think is MAN we look young!)

Bravo for you if you made it all the way through this trip down memory lane with me...thanks :0)