Oh he is SO our child...and the next battle.

My newest niece was baptized on Saturday after 5 o'clock mass, and we could have just went to the baptism and skipped mass, but like a good auntie and uncle, we loaded L up and headed to mass with the rest of the family. We still feel inclined to put on the show I guess...W more so than I, but whatever. We do both honestly give it a chance each time we are so inclined to go (which, since our wedding in 2005 has been a total of 4 times...the baptisms of my 3 nieces, and L's own baptism), and we DO try to see if we can get anything out of it, but for me, as is always the case, the only thing I seemed to get out of it was more proof of things about the belief system that just don't ring true nor sit right with me, and more proof that I do NOT want to allow my children to be brainwashed into believing that there is only one *right* answer...

And yet, it works for my brother and his wife, and for many others, and I *do* want my children to see different faiths *working* for different people - cuz THAT'S exactly what I want them to learn and believe - that there are many paths and none of them is the only *right* answer. (Except for those who believe they will be celebrated in the afterlife for killing those who believe differently from them - I am sorry, but that I cannot accept.)

So we enter the church and as we are walking down the aisle, L is walking in front of me and I am holding his hand...he gets about halfway to where we are going and I hear this slow cry starting which quickly builds up to a full fledged cry as he turns around to me and puts his arms up and let's me know that he needs-to-be-picked-up-RIGHT-NOW-Mama-cuz-I-am-not-comfortable-here! So I pick him up and he wrapped himself around me, buried his face in my neck and clung on for dear life! He stopped crying, but continued to cling on to me for dear life. He dared here and there to peak out and check out his surroundings, but it took half of the mass for him to even want to do that. When he did dare to look around, he found that there ARE lots of interesting things to look at in a church, but I am pretty sure he still felt intimidated by the space and all the people. Each time the congregation started singing, he would cling a little tighter and peer out and around.

He did not make a peep until people started getting up to go up to communion, when he blurted out "Can we go home now?!" which resonated through the silent shuffling of those going up to partake in the eating of their savior (?!?!), and elicited a few chuckles.

After mass was over, and all the people were gone save for those of us attending the baptism, and the lights were dimmed down, he loosened up and played with his cousin while waiting for the baptism. So, honestly, I think it was more all of the people which made him nervous more so than anything else.

But still, W and I could not help but find a little bit of humor in L's reaction to mass. I cannot blame him, I feel a little traumatized each time I go myself ;0)


Sadly, the baptism just reaffirmed in my mind and my heart and my soul that I just do not want to baptize this child...We had this discussion again on the way home, and W is STILL of the mindset that we *have* to do it, so as not to cause waves, and so as not to freak the family out. For me, it comes back to the fact that to THEM, it really means something...to THEM, when we stand up there with them as witnesses, and we *promise* to raise our child in the catholic church, that is exactly what it is - a promise that we intend to raise them that way. And I have NO INTENTION what-so-ever of doing so, and neither does W. And although I may not hold the faith system in my heart, I still RESPECT it, and THEM, and THEIR faith in it. So, to me, it isn't fair to THEM to go up there and make those promises knowing full well that we do not intend to keep them, knowing that it REALLY MEANS something more to them.

And it's not fair to US that they cannot just be accepting of our decisions, and that we should feel that we have to do something against our better judgement in order to 'not offend the family'. What irritates me more than anything is that if we express our true spiritual beliefs, they will think differently of us? How is that? Are we not the same people they love day in and day out? The same loving, decent human beings? But finding out that we do not share their exact religious beliefs will somehow make them like or love us less?? Somehow make us lesser people? That is THEIR shortcoming, as far as I am concerned, and I am so tired of that way of conditionally being loved.

My father even came to me during dinner afterward and asked if we were going to have Father J (the priest who baptised my neices and L, who was joining us for dinner) baptize this baby also, and I was truthful when I said "Dad - we don't know WHAT we are going to do with this baby." And he said okay, but I know he didn't for one moment think that meant that we may NOT baptise the baby, just that we didn't know where or when.

This will be the next battle - for me personally and spiritually, for W and I (as I said, he is still very much of the camp that we just do it and move on), and for us and our families.

For me personally, I think it is the opportunity I need to take to come clean with MY family...I need to be true to MYSELF and true to MY JOURNEY. The hardest part of that is that this is not JUST my journey - OUR children are not just MY journey - they are W's also, and I need to respect his position in this journey as well. I need to figure out how to respect us both, and right now I have no idea how I am going to do that...