Hello?

Well none of you 4 (or so) people who used to come see my blog probably even bother to stop by anymore, as I post so sporatically...It's not that I have nothing to share; quite the contrary, I ponder so much all the time that I would LOVE to blog about, but it's just that I don't have TIME to blog...I guess maybe that is a good thing?

It seems when I DO come here to share it is about my babies...but let's face it; right now, my life consists of running (frantically) between my babies and work, and work sucks and is a complete drain on me, and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time and energy on THAT shit. So, baby news it is :-)

I need to post some new photos - Baby C is huge and amazing and OH SO DAMN cute, even if I do say so myself!

The reason I REALLY wanted to blog today was to share yet ANOTHER cute L snippet...we were riding in the car the other day and he was counting. He got to 40 and proclaimed "FORTY! WOW, that's a LOT, Mom"

"Yes, L, it IS a lot! What comes next?"

"Fif-D"

"Good, what's next?"

"Six-D"

And so on and so forth until he got to ninety, and when I asked him what comes next, he paused, did his WAY funny perplexed expression where he crunches up his face and kinda rolls his eyes off to the side and proclaimed

"Ten-D!!"

:D

Great reasoning!

I really try to not be one of those parents who talks non stop about all the things their kid can do, and thinks their kid is SO SMART because they can do X,Y,Z, but I have to admit that I really do, in all honesty, find myself thinking on a regular basis that L seems pretty advanced for his age. Things seem to come easy to him. It makes me happy, and I hope that he continues on that way as he grows - I just know it will make things easier in some ways as he grows up...

In other quick news, Mama got quite spoiled this tax season. We actually got an okay sum of money back on our taxes, which we weren't really expecting, and W and I decided that I should treat myself and upgrade my camera equipment which I have been wanting to do for about 2 years now!! As much as I know I deserve it, and WANT it, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to spend the money on myself. It literally took me a week to finalize my order; and when I had it all ready to confirm, it took me at least an hour to push the 'confirm order' button. There are definitely other (way less fun) things the money could have been spent on, or it DEFINITELY would not have been a bad idea to put it in savings, but since the money is spent, I will admit that I am really happy and excited that I did it. Had I waited another day or two, I can honestly say that I would have probably talked myself out of it. The camera is amazing, and I have taken a TON of photos already, and really cannot wait for summer to come so I can get outside and take some shots of things other than the boys...who, by the way, are already BEYOND sick of me sticking it in their faces!



So yeah, I feel totally spoiled, and I am STILL justifying the purchase to myself, but that's just how I am, and I am used to the guilt.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

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We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

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I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Happy Anniversary to W and I...

(Please note that this was intended to be posted Thursday, as that was our anniversary, but I got busy and didn't have time to finish it that night...Also note that this post is just a long trip down memory lane for me and may be a little boring for you :0))


W and I got married 4 years ago today. It was a gloriously sunny day; not a cloud in the sky. It was hotter than hell, like 98 or better, but not a drop of humidity, THANKFULLY. Had it been humid, it would have been miserable. I remember it had been an unusually rainy spring; it rained EVERY WEEKEND for the 7 weekends before our wedding date, and I remember being EXTREMELY worried that it would rain on MY BIG DAY. But, it didn't :0)

W and I spent the night before the wedding apart; my girls and I stayed at the house and booted him out to spend the night at his best man's house...I woke up that morning, rolled over in bed, looked my best friend of 21 years (since we were 5!), R, in the eyes and said "I'm getting MARRIED today!!!!" to which she replied "I know!!!" LOL...it really was the perfect start to a perfect day. There was something very surreal about waking up next to her; it brought me back to when we were kids having sleepovers (which happened often) and it just didn't seem possible that we could be adults, in our mid 20's, her with a babe at home and another on the way, and me getting married...It felt like maybe it was all a dream and we were REALLY still just kids, prentending it was my wedding day.

She was 6 mos pregnant at the time, R was, with her second babe, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I now fully and COMPLETELY can comprehend just how good of her it was to stand up there, in the 98 degree heat, in a modified bridesmaid dress, in a Catholic Church, have tons and tons of photos snapped, stand up and make a toast in front of 275 pairs of eyes, and dance the night away with me all while being 6+ mos pregnant. Not that she would have ever said no - I know it meant alot to her to be a part of my day, but it had to have been hard. Now that I have been pregnant myself, I can say that in NO WAY would I be excited about the prospect of doing all that crap at 6+ months pregnant. I would TOTALLY want to be part of my friend's day, and would TOTALLY do it, but I am sure it was by no means an EASY, super enjoyable day for her. Her part in my special day means even more to me now that I can understand it from that perspective :0)

We got married in a Catholic Church because it was what we knew and what was 'expected' of us. Growing up, that was the only kind of wedding I ever saw, and so my dreams of my wedding day had always been shaped around that. Although I had already moved far FAR away from the religion of my childhood at that point, I was not far enough along in my journey and not strong enough at that point to do it any other way. And I do not regret it, but will say that if I had it to do over again NOW, I would definitely do it different. The only part of it that truly bugged me was the part of the vows that talked about promising to accept the children that god gave us and to bring them up in the Catholic Church...I already had NO INTENTIONS of doing any such thing.

I always thought W would be the nervous one, but as it turns out, *I* shook like a LEAF through the entire ceremony...W was holding my hands and at more than one point had to ask me if I was okay I was shaking so hard. But I made it through, and only sounded a *little* silly as my voice got higher and higher pitched as I recited my vows, so that by the time I said "I do" I am 99.9% sure I squeaked that part out sounding like a mouse. And we only had one awkward moment when the 90 some odd year old ancient priest decided to take a little nap in his chair after communion, and the music had ended and everyone in the church started rustling around uncomfortably, not sure what to do next...I am pretty sure this was when R and I looked at each other and got the giggles, which we were SOMEHOW able to contain to the SILENT giggles, which probably didn't look any different to all the people in the pews than all the SHAKING I had been doing throughout the ceremony anyway.

My brother gave a great TEARFUL speech at dinner, my dad a drunken speech, my friend R a truthful heartfelt one...We ate, and visited and drank (well not me - just a little wine with dinner, but W, he drank...along with a lot of others who had their fill!) we danced, we celebrated, we loved. I got told over and over how I was the most radiant bride people had ever seen; that the love that W and I share was pouring out of us so visibly that day. And it was. And it does. I felt absolutely beyond beautiful that day...which is a feat for me...My self esteem has come a long way since I was a kid / teen, but I still have trouble seeing myself as beautiful, even though people tell me so, but that day, I had no troubles feeling it what-so-ever.








We partied after the reception at our house with our wedding party and some close friends...I remember busting out our bong and smoking some in front of my now sister in law, who was just starting to get serious with my brother at the time, and who probably had some knowledge that W and I were not so straight laced, but had probably never seen pot or a bong in her life, but I didn't care - it was my day and my house. I am pretty sure I went to bed around 4am, in my wedding dress and W came in as the sun came up and the birds were singing good morning.

Most of the wedding party and some of the friends crashed at our place, strewn around our house on couches, chairs and the floor...we were awoken at about 7:30 am by my crazy dad pounding away in the front yard, installing some stone steps that W had been meaning to get to for a while. LOL...my crazy dad...yeah.

I spent a lot of that next day still in my wedding dress and all my dolled up hair and makeup. I figured shit, I paid all that money for all that stuff, might as well enjoy it for as long as possible, right? Although I didn't spend too much money - I bought my dress off the rack on clearance for $100, and only spent $30 on alterations - Yeah baby ;0)



(7 Mile Beach, Negril Jamaica)

We left on Tuesday to spend a week in Negril, Jamaica on our honeymoon, and I will just say that that week was honestly the best week of my life. I have never felt so relaxed, happy and so deeply in love as I did that week. I have never seen such natural beauty as that of the white sandy beaches, teal greenish - blueish clear Caribbean water, the wildness of the jungle as we traveled inland to take a day trip to hike up a stream. THAT was a trip...from stopping on the side of a mountain on the way up to visit a true to live Rasta man who hacked us up fresh pineapple, that he had just picked, with a machete, while trying to get as many marlboro's off us as he could, with a huge doobie hanging out of his mouth the entire time; to eating fresh mango that our tour guide pulled from the mineral spring (OMGOD heavenly), to jumping from a cliff, to diving under the water to pass through a hole in this rock under the water (that was nuts - W wouldn't do it, but I did - I wouldn't do it again, but I am glad I did it once!), to our bus getting pulled over by the police on the way back to our resort. Seems they had some little issues with our driver's paperwork. The 'police', by the way, carried fucking machine guns, and I will be completely honest in saying that I was FREAKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT as they argued with our driver...I kept thinking 'maybe they AREN'T the police...'. After hasseling our driver for awhile they let us pass, and I was able to relax again...



I pushed beyond my fears of the water and spent lots of time swimming, did a little snorkeling, jumped off the catamaran boat and swam around the caves by Rick's cafe which are amazing...and where the locals cliff jump from CRAZY heights...a few of the people on our cruise tried it too - THAT was one thing I didn't even consider ;0).



We ate candle lit buffet dinner barefooted on the beach most every night, and had fresh fruit smoothies and made to order omelets for breakfast most every morning. We opened the shutters in our room and laid on the bed listening to the rain and thunder which came each afternoon for an hour or so, and then blew away leaving more sunny skies and hot weather. The thunder was truly amazing...louder than any I have ever heard. Must have something to do with rolling out over the open ocean or something...




(Where the magic happened...well, *some* of the magic...some happened in OTHER places too, but we won't go into that ;0) )


(Oh, that hammock was TO DIE FOR. I really almost smuggled it home with me)


Mostly, I think it was just the relaxation that made it all so amazing. Of course, the relaxation was aided by a wonderfully mellow buzz from a little bit of Jamiaca's finest smoke, courtesy of our beach friend Elvis - not too mention all of the banana rum drinks that flowed freely all day and night! I am sure that the weight I gained was more from the banana drinks than all the food I ate!!


(This was the view from 'our spot' on the beach where we spent a LOT of our time...**sigh** wish I was there now :0) )




(Our beach friend Elvis...and me in my standard attire - sarong, tank top and sandles...with a banana rum drink in hand! Hmmm...for someone who really HONESTLY hardly ever drinks, I sure did drink a lot of alcohol THAT week!)

It just really was the most amazing time of my life, and I cannot believe that I almost didn't book the trip because I thought we couldn't afford it. My friend J convinced me that we MUST do it because if we didn't - if we said 'We will do it in 5 years' that we would SO REGRET it and that we probably would not get around to it and I am SO GRATEFUL for her relentless badgering because she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. We COULD afford it then; and had we waited, there is no way we would be doing it next year on our 5 year anniversary. There is no way we could afford it now. And in my heart I know that it would not be the same as it was then. The combination of all the stress and planning leading up to the wedding, and the excitement of just being married, and the fact that we didn't have any kids at home to miss (besides the cats!) made it impossible to recreate that same experience 5 years later. However, I do so hope that we are able to make it back there some day and are able to 'somewhat' recreate that level of relaxation, adventure and pure reveling in our love for each other.


(Looking at that photo, all I can think is MAN we look young!)

Bravo for you if you made it all the way through this trip down memory lane with me...thanks :0)

Some healing energy for my niece, and an update...

My newest little niece, MJ, needs a little healing energy sent her way.

On Saturday they transferred her to the local Children's Hospital because her breathing was rapid and something just wasn't quite right.

Turns out she has an air pocket in one of her lungs (don't remember what it is called) that prohibits it from inflating all of the way, so her respiration is quickening to try and make up for the not-quite-functioning-properly lung. They did a bunch of tests, and for the most part things are fine, and they believe she will be just fine, but they are treating her for pneumonia with antibiotics, which should cure the problem, but also means she has to stay in the hospital until Friday of this week. My brother and his wife are not able to stay there, and it is about 40 minutes from their house, and I can just imagine how hard it is on my sister in law to have to be seperated from her 4 day old baby. On one hand, SHE does need to get her rest; she had major surgery last Friday, and yet, I know I would be feeling the same way - I am FINE, don't worry about ME, just let me be with my baby.

So anyway, any spare energy / prayers / whatever you do or call it for them would be great.

My ultrasound. It went well. Me and the ultrasound tech are buddies, being as I saw him about 15 times with my last pregnancy, and have seen him 3 times now with this one, and he usually tells me a little bit more than he is sposed to, I think. So he told me that my amniotic fluid levels are fine (which was the first concern), and that baby looks good; good, and BIG. I was 33weeks on Friday when I had the ultrasound, and baby is measuring 36 weeks. WHOA. The measurements he took give the baby an estimated weight of 5lbs 15ozs, give or take 14 ozs. So, this baby could be anywhere between 5lbs and 7lbs ALREADY. 97th percentile. He said the baby should come in under 30 lbs...LOL. I still 'technically' have 7 weeks to go, which gives the baby lots of time to grow...which is kinda scary!

So anyway, baby is healthy. I haven't heard from my doctor yet, but I am pretty sure she is not in on Mondays, so I probably won't hear from her until tomorrow. I am trying not to worry, but to be honest, I am a little nervous that this baby will be huge. I am just hoping that maybe I gestate faster than 'normal' and that this baby is ready and decides to come early like L did. And above all, I just need to trust in my body's ability to deliver this baby, no matter what size he/she ends up being.

New life...

My brother doesn't make boys.

Damn.

I just (like just as in within the last hour) became an auntie for the third time!!! My little niece MJ (her initials) was born via c-section this morning to my brother and his wife, which gives them 3 beautiful little girls! I am so excited to have another little life in our family to love and watch grow. But I will be BRUTALLY honest when I say that I had SO SO hoped that they would have a boy. I SO wanted my brother to experience raising a boy, and I really wanted a nephew! For me, and for L to have another little boy to play with in the family. When I told W they had another girl, and that I was having gender disappointment, he said "You're REALLY going to have gender disappointment when ours comes out and it's another boy!" We'll just see who's right on that one ;0) Honestly, it will be easier to get over my disappointment of my OWN child's gender than it will my niece's I think. Although I know when I hold her it just.won't.matter.

I am very excited that they named her what they did...I LOVE that I will be able to call her MJ...If I had a girl when we had L, I really liked the idea of MJ for her first name, or a combination of first/middle names that would allow me to call her MJ, but W was DEAD SET against it...so now I have my little MJ!!

I am off work today (YAY!) and have my ultrasound this afternoon, which just so happens to be right down the hallway from where they are staying, so I will be meeting the little peanut this afternoon. I am so excited to hold a fresh new little baby again :0) It's very nice of my brother and sister in law to have children 6 weeks ahead of me each time so that I can get my baby fix while I am in the midst of SO wanting to be done with my own pregnancies :0) (My first niece was born 6 weeks ahead of L.)

*SIGH* Ah, new life :0) It just doesn't get any better than this. So much potential and promise of love and happiness to be experienced as this new little one grows...

I love my brother so damn much, and even with my gender disappointment, I am SO happy for him...Because REALLY, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we have a new, HEALTHY member of our family, and for that, I am extremely thankful.

This and that

I had a checkup last night, and all is going well with the pregnancy; blood pressure is good, I gained 6 pounds (not awesome, but not horrible - that makes 32# to date. I am aiming for less than 40). My fundal height is measuring 2-3 weeks ahead, so my doctor wants me to have an ultrasound to make sure that this is not because of too much amniotic fluid, and to check on the baby's size. Iam not really concerned that there is anything wrong, and am fine with doing the ultrasound just to make sure, but I DO know that I don't believe that estimating the baby's weight or gestational age via ultrasound is very accurate at this stage, so I am a bit concerned that they will think this baby is going to be large and that could potentially influence my doctor's opinions from here on out. But, I trust her, and I trust that she will be receptive to my desires no matter what the US shows. The ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, and I must say I *am* a bit excited to see the little one moving around in there again :0) I am enjoying the 'non event fullness' of this pregnancy compared to with L, but it IS fun to see the baby at this stage as they are all formed in there and look basically just like they do when they arrive!

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Last night we got L to bed, and W decided to go play one more round of Frisbee golf with his friends, so I sat down at the computer. W couldn't have been gone for 2 minutes when I thought I heard a knock on the front door. I looked out the little window in the front door from where I was sitting, but didn't see anything, so just went back to the puter...Then I thought I heard a knock on the side door, and figured W had forgotten something (and he always locks the door when he leaves us home in the evenings) so I went to go let him back in. I saw a woman and a man standing on our sidewalk outside the side door and totally groaned, thinking "Great, the damn Jehovah's Witnesses are here...not in the mood for that!" and opened the door feeling very irritated, only to have the man ask if our last name was -----, and that he thinks my husband lost his wallet, which he handed over to me! Indeed, it was my husbands wallet! They had found it down at the park where the Frisbee golf course is, where he had been earlier in the day. I must say I felt a bit bad for being irritated with them for interrupting my Me Time...Thank goodness THEY found it and not someone else who was not so honest. There was no cash in there to be had, but there was a bank card, credit card, driver's license, etc...Would not have been good.

I was telling the story to my co-workers, one of which is a Jehovah's Witness, and after hearing the part about being irritated when I thought it was the JW's and the rest of the story, my JW co-worker said "They probably WERE JW's, as that is EXACTLY what they would do if they found some one's wallet"...which is probably true, but irritated me to no end in the sense that he was acting like JW's had the trademark on being honest people. Whatever. No offense to the JW's, I just can't handle people that go door to door and, unsolicited, try to feed their beliefs to everyone. (Ms.Moon - if you read this, I thought it was funny that you were talking about the same thing that I was thinking about today, and was planning to share my little story...Although your post was all deep and mine was just a regurgitation of what happened last night!)

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There's this older gentleman in my town (a town with a population of about 4300 people) who walks every morning. And most every morning, L and I pass him on our way to L's daycare. And everyday, this gentleman raises his hand and waves hello to EVERY CAR that passes him...whether they come from in front of or behind him. And I just find it heartwarming, and funny, and I actually look forward to it, and I actually raise my hand in return now. I don't know, it is just NICE, ya know?

L

Better Now - with UPDATE

I am back at it today and feeling 100% better, thank my stars. Last week was horrible; every time I thought I was feeling better I would soon enough be assured that I was no where near better. I ate toast and bananas and applesauce all week. Thankfully, L didn't get the worst of it, although his stomach is a little wacky as evidenced by his diapers the last few days (I assure you, once the baby arrives, I am making a deal with W that I will change EVERY SINGLE baby diaper as long as he changes L's poopies!!!! I will take that yellow, seedy, up the back of the diaper breastmilk poop over grilled cheese and big people food poop anyday. C'mon potty training...)

I am super backlogged on reading my blogs!! It will take me 3 times as long to catch up, I think. Being down a week really sets you back!!

Luckily, last week was a slower week at work, and if I needed to take time off, it was at least a good time work wise...although I hate eating up so much PTO all at once, and to lay around being sick, none the less. Technically, I only used 3 days...but 3 precious days I could have used for something fun like a me day, or a day to spend time with L enjoying the nice weather! Since I am salary, 1/2 days or less don't really count against our PTO, unless you abuse it, of course.

The thing I love about being so sick is how appreciative I feel when I finally feel better! Even the screaming ache in my hips and back seem to have quieted down a bit for now.

Yesterday was okay. I could have handled a much more relaxing day, but at least I got a pretty decent walk in, and a short nap. But much of the day was spent running around, visiting the other mothers in my life. Even though I am a mom myself now, the day still seems to be more about our moms. Only because I allow it to be though, I suppose. And I love W to death, but I must say, I could stand him to be a little more sentimental and thoughtful and romantic when it comes to things like Mother's day and birthdays. But I knew this about him, and chose to love him anyway. He has come so far in so many other ways in our time together, that I still hold out hope that he will come around a bit on this, too.

*UPDATE*

I am so excited! I have this pyschic medium friend who is just so amazing, and does these wonderful spirit guide sessions she calls Soul Portraits. It is a reading / healing session...she connects with your spirit guides to bring forth the information that you need at the time...if you check out the link she explains it better...And you come home with a beautiful, completely unique, piece of artwork.

Anyway, I have had oh...5 or 6 sessions with her in the last 8 years, and am convinced that she sees and is open to things which most of us do / are not. The first time I had a session with her, we did not know each other at all, and she blew me away, and convinced me, a skeptical believer if you will, that she is genuine...that session was mostly focused on my friend Lynda who had recently died in a tragic car accident caused by a drunk driver. It was one of the most spiritually healing experiences I have ever had. Over the years, I have come to call her my friend, and she has continued to make me a believer in her gifts. I have seen her leave several of my friends as blown away as I was and have been.

Over the years and through my multiple sessions with her, we have talked about my children; which at the times of most of the sessions, were still 'future' children...I am so excited because she not only does Soul Portraits of adults, but also of children, and even babies IN THE WOMB! I am going to see her on Thursday to have a mini Soul Portrait done of this baby, and I am very, VERY excited. She has conveyed messages to me that already seem to be playing out when it comes to L, and I am excited to see what this baby's spirit guides are going to tell me. I already believe that my friend Lynda has been with this baby, and will continue to be with this baby as a guide, which makes my heart happy, and makes me even more excited about this session, as it presents a chance to reconnect with her as well.

I will post a photo of the Soul Portrait on Friday. Wish me fun!

On my mind

Just a couple of things that are / have been on my mind.

-My recent reminiscing of my early days with W got me wanting to go through my old photos. I have been meaning to weed out the duplicates and then someday put them in the empty albums I asked for and received a couple of Christmases ago. On Saturday, I sat on the living room floor and pulled out the big box of photos and started going through them. W sat down next to me while L played with his cars near us. It was GREAT. We reminisced together over memories of days gone by - the good and the bad. And even better than the together-remembering was the deep conversation that followed. We talked about our childhoods and how they affected us similarly and differently (not that we haven't done this before, but it is the first real deep conversation since we became parents, which changes and clarifies your perspective so greatly...) We talked about how I have been going through some really intense reflecting lately, and how I am having issues with my feelings toward my parents right now. We talked about raising L and this coming baby, and how and why we want and NEED and WILL do things differently. It was some intense reconnecting that we REALLY REALLY needed. It was lovely.

-Not too long ago W and I had a conversation about homosexuality. I can't remember what spurred it, and I don't remember the conversation in detail, but the part that makes me sad is that we came to a point where I started getting angry at him for his opinion, and we had to agree to disagree...he truly believes that homosexuality is a CHOICE, that it is a 'learned behavior' and I do not. As far as gay marriage goes, I don't think he could care less either way, but he was surprised and disappointed that I totally believe that TRUE homosexuality is not a choice. It makes me sad that we disagree on that at such a fundamental level.

-W's mom asked us to go out to eat with them on Saturday at a place called Treasure Island. On Saturday morning, as I was getting L dressed, I told him that we were going to meet G-ma and R at Treasure Island and have lunch, and did that sound like fun? His eyes got all wide, he started nodding his head yes, and he said "We gon be PIRATES! We need a boat, too Mama!!!" at first, I was wondering what the heck he was talking about when it dawned on me that Dora the Explorer (L's favorite cartoon character) and her friends dress up as pirates and go sailing off to Treasure Island to look for buried treasure!! I laughed so hard! We had a blast on the way there pretending that the car was a boat, and that the river we crossed was Crocodile Lake; another obstacle that Dora and her friends must cross before they can get to Treasure Island. He woke this morning immediately talking about G-ma and R and pirates and treasure...Ahhh, he's growing up too fast.

-I have almost 15 weeks to go yet in this pregnancy, and it feels like a LONG time, and I am SO SORE. All the time. My hips and back and pelvic region seem to be feeling it much worse this time. Probably doesn't help that I am at the weight already at 25 weeks that I was at at 31 weeks last time. It's a lot of extra weight for my body to carry around...Yeah; I gained THIRTEEN, yes that's 13 pounds in the last 5 weeks (Go ahead and laugh, Kori, it's okay, my doctor did!)...I am not even sure how that is humanly possible, but obviously, for this human, it is. I thought I was doing kind of okay, I figured I would have another 8# month like last month, but it was even worse. I have promised myself and my doctor to buckle down a bit and hopefully slow the weight gain. So yeah, it feels like a LONG time to go. I know it will go by fast, but I am gonna be one crabby mama bear by the time this baby pops out! I am just going to keep walking as much as I can, at least 4 times a week, and keep stretching and hopefully I won't get too much more sore than I am now.

-Here's some more true as hell pregnancy information that, were you never pregnant yourself, you would probably never know. Having a little person kicking you LITERALLY in the anus from the inside is the WEIRDEST.FEELING.EVER. Or maybe she is kicking something like my intestine that's connected to my anus, but my anus is where I 'feel' it. Either way, it is not really all that pleasant. Sorry, but it's been happening, and it's on my mind.

Destiny

I have been thinking back a lot in the last few days to mine and W's early relationship; how we came together, where we have been, what we have come THROUGH together, what our love looked like back then. It has been good for my soul to pull these memories up and revel in their sweetness; not that it has been, by any means, ALL sweetness, but those are the memories I have been thinking about. With all the difficult memories I have been dredging up lately, remembering our years of love has felt good, and helped to balance me out.

I heard a song this morning that I guess I haven't listened to in quite some time and it instantly transported me back to an important incident in our journey that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

We had to have been 22 or 23 when my forever friend R and I took a spur of the moment weekend trip to Tampa, Florida. She was going through a hard time, and needed to get away. She called me on Tuesday and said "Let's go to Florida" and told me the flight details and cost, and said we leave on Thursday.

Now; I had NEVER flown anywhere. I had NEVER seen the ocean. I had NEVER done anything like this. I was 22. I had the money. I was a young professional. I was an ADULT, and I could DO something like this; just take off for the weekend. It didn't take me long to make the decision that Hell yeah, I needed to jet to Florida for the weekend.

W and I were living together at the time, and when I got home that night, I told him our plans.

He was NOT happy. At that time, he was still having some jealousy issues, and was still somewhat insecure in our relationship. I know that the reason for this is because he believed (and somewhat STILL does believe) that I was too good for him, and wondered why the hell *I* was with *him*. He has told me this. Several times.

We had a pretty good argument about it. I could understand some of his fears, but I honestly didn't much care. It was actually a really good thing in that it basically gave me the opportunity to express to him that he needed to get over the jealousy thing, and to realize that if I didn't want to be there, I wouldn't. And that I wasn't going to live the rest of my life in a relationship with someone who can't trust me because of his own insecurities. I had NEVER given him any reason to doubt me or to not trust me. And that I was GOING TO FLORIDA dammit, whether he liked it or not.

I left for Florida with a somewhat heavy heart. Before I left, he was still very cold toward me; obviously still hurt or angry or whatever that I was actually going through with it. The couple of times I talked to him over the weekend, he was quiet and didn't say much, and what he did say was snotty. Which on one hand made me angry, but I also missed him and knew he was missing me. It was the first time we had spent the night apart (let alone a FEW nights apart) in at least 3 years.

Although I was missing him, I had a BLAST!! It was my first adventure. And it was great fun. The ocean was amazing (people have corrected me saying "It's the Gulf, not the ocean", but I fail to see or acknowledge the difference. For me, it was my first trip to THE OCEAN.). So much more powerful and huge and awe inspiring than I had ever imagined it (think how blown away I was when I stepped into the 10 times sweeter Caribbean Ocean on our honeymoon to Jamaica!!). We swam in the ocean, even though it was the end of October and not all that warm. But to us, it was heaven, coming from the chilly fall weather we were escaping. We went to some night clubs. We went to Busch Gardens.

On the flight home, despite all of the fun I had, and the anger I had felt toward W for his childish behavior, I was still very anxious to get home to him. And then this song came up on my CD player, and although it was a song I had listened to a LOT, it was the first time I really HEARD it, and it was SO PERFECT. I remember the sky outside the plane window was dotted with clouds beneath us, and I remember the intensity of the sun way up there, and the lyrics were so spot on and it made me so happy. And I remembered how much I loved and appreciated that man, despite the jealousy issue. And it reminded me of how much light he had brought into my life. And I put that song on repeat and listened to it until we touched down at home, and I was soon to be back with him, and I was nearly me again.

And as cliche as it seems, I still believe he was and is my Destiny.

Just life

I have to say again that W is so much more enjoyable when he is not BEYOND exhausted in the evenings from working all day. He has the energy to play with L so much more, and he is so much more the funny, carefree, happy man I fell in love with.

Last night we BOTH went for a walk with L so he could take a trike ride to g-mas house. Even though W really probably shouldn't have walked that far on his ankle (I don't think I have even mentioned THAT yet...I will) and he was even running, which he really shouldn't have done, it was SO NICE to do that as a family. Usually it is L and I. Which I don't mind, really, I love my walks and our time together is great after being apart all day, but it is nice to have daddy along too.

So, the ankle. W called me a few weeks ago at work about 8:30am and informed me that he fell off a ladder and that I should probably come home and take him to the ER. He fell from about 12' but thankfully was not hurt too seriously. He sprained his foot and ankle in multiple places, and got stitches under his chin, and fractured a rib (or two...he didn't tell the doctor about that or me either, until after the fact, so there were no x-rays of his ribs. He knew from previous experience that there isn't much they can do for a fractured rib, although I was still angry at him for not telling the doctor OR ME about that part). So, yeah, it could have been SO MUCH WORSE and we are SO thankful that it wasn't. I work with a guy who fell from 7' and SHATTERED both of his wrists a few years ago. And I guess since we will be having the baby this year causing us to have to pay our full insurance deductable ANYWAY, AND seeing that he is laid off anyway, I guess if it was going to happen, it couldn't have happened at a better time. (See? Right there, so much to be thankful for.)

So due to that, he has been pretty sore and healing the last few weeks, and the last time he went for a walk with us he really over did it on his foot. But I am glad that he came last night, and he seems to be no worse for it today, which means he is healing.

Other than that, not much going on. Pregnancy is good. This baby is CRAZYYYY! Super active, which is good. Although I am hoping this one has a personality similar to L's (and W's) laid back personality, I am beginning to think we ARE going to get our crazy Devil's spawn child this time.

I am reading a book called The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, and it ROCKS. Just what I was craving right now; a heavy, emotional, deep story with characters and a story line that really pulls me in and lets me escape in someone else's strife (a fictional someone else...I wouldn't want to escape into a real person's strife...although it is a factually based fictional story, but really, I guess, there is not much fictional strife that has not or is not happening to a living person...). A story that helps remind me of the important things in life, and that others have made it through much worse than what I am facing. The two books I tried prior to this one just weren't doing it for me, and I returned them to the library unfinished...which I HATE to do, but maybe I will try them again some other time and be able to finish. They were The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (Marissa - I picked that one up cuz of you...I really wanted to finish it, but alas it was just taking me too long to get through) and The Lord of The Flies.

The only problem is that I am staying up way too late reading!! That combined with the fact that after a few hours either on the couch or in the bed my back is achy and I toss and turn for the rest of the night, not getting very good sleep, is making me one tired mama. **SIGH** I know I might as well get used to it again, as it will be the story of my life for at least the next year. Although it is well well WELL worth it, it is one of my least favorite things...I do love me some sleep!! When I am done with this book (which will probably be this weekend) I have Life of Pi waiting for me. Hoping that one grabs me too.

Oh, I also discovered the awesome fact that you can borrow DVD's from the library. For FREE. And keep them for TWO WEEKS. Yeah - it's FREE! LOL...We were going to rent Madagascar for L last weekend, and I happened to be stopping at the library to pick up books and my co-worker asked me to return some items for her, and one was a DVD...DUH, I thought, maybe the library has Madagascar? And they DID! And I didn't have to pay $3 (plus late fees) and L got to watch it over and over again for days. I took it back and found another one that he is loving - They Might Be Giants "Here Come the One, Two, Threes". The only downfall is the selection gets pretty picked over, but I have some reserved and can find good enough stuff in the meantime.

So yeah, that's life right now. Just floating on. I am still not watching much in the way of news so as to help keep the anxiety at bay. And it's working, which I am thankful for. In this time of so much struggle, I am finding SO MUCH that I have to be thankful for. And that ROCKS.

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Movement...

She is moving...I just ate a ham sandwich with spicy habanero mustard and she must have liked it cuz I was working away and she started kicking and rolling and then I was crying and remembering that THIS is what's important in life...Her, rolling and kicking, and me, taking the time to pay attention to her and burn these memories into my mind and file them away.

No matter the bills, or W being unemployed, or the scary economy or the bony fingers of the anxiety trying to wrap themselves around my throat or all of the above, THIS baby, and L, and W, and our love, THAT is what REALLY matters. THAT is what will pull us through the scary times ahead still intact.

I have been feeling her (who, if I may remind you, may not even be a her, but she will be until or if she comes out a he) move a little bit every day now for about 2 weeks. It is so reassuring and fun and just CRAZY; to have a HUMAN BEING rolling around and kicking you from the inside. Absolutely one of the wildest, most amazing things ever. I love it. And it is a bit sad to think this may be the last time I feel this miracle ever. But for now, it's good.

A true struggle and REAL worry...

My friend Kori over at See Kori Rant reminded me today that although we may be struggling in some ways, we have SO SO MUCH to be thankful for, and that things could be SO much worse in such bigger ways. There are much much more trying things that can happen in life, and I should be thankful for so much. Which I am.

She has some friends who are going through probably the most difficult thing I can imagine in life; watching your baby (or child) go through a major illness. I can't say much about it right now, it has really dampened my heart. I cannot bear to imagine seeing my L or this growing life inside of me in that position, and I pray that I never have to experience it.

I am not usually one to ask people to give to people they don't know, and I know we are all struggling, but on the odd chance that this story touches one of you and inspires you to help in whatever way you can, I ask that you stop over here and just take a look.

Faeries, mysteriously appearing trees and suffocating anxiety...

I left the house last Friday morning dreading coming home after work, which is COMPLETELY wrong and unfair...it's simply not right to dread coming home on a Friday, but the house was a disaster. Complete and utter. There were clothes strewn all across the living room, dirty and clean intermixed, hardly a square inch of room visible through the clothing explosion. L's toys had ALL seemed to migrate from his toy room into the living room, and what wasn't covered in clothing was covered in Matchbox cars and ramps and books and balls and tractors; a severe amount of tripping hazards and toe stubbers. The kitchen counter was a mess of bills that should have been in the mail and credit card and refinancing offers and payed bill stubs that should have been filed last Spring. There was a mile high stack of dishes piled next to the sink...the kind that don't go in the dishwasher, that need to be washed by hand; the kind I HATE and will avoid like the plague. The entry/laundry/cat room was nasty; boots and scarves and recycling overflowing, cat litter strewn about (damn cats, are they NEVER going to learn to wipe their feet?!? REALLY.)

So I knew that when I got home, there would be no relaxing on a Friday night after a long week of work. My obsessive self would not leave it till Saturday morning. I would need to address the mess I had ignored all week.

That evening, when I trudged through the door lugging L and bags and purses I noticed immediately that something was not how I left it that morning. The entry was tidy and vacuumed. For a moment, I though that my wonderful husband must have vacuumed before he left that morning (for a weekend of ice fishing with 'the guys'), but that thought immediately vanished when I turned and set my purse on the dryer, which was empty and obviously wiped off.

L and I proceeded into the kitchen, and that's when I knew my cleaning faerie had paid us a visit while we were at work and daycare...the dishes were all washed and put away, save a few obscure pieces that have no visibly apparent home; these were neatly stacked on the stove top, ready to be put away. The floors were swept; no dirt and dust balls sticking to my feet as I crossed the floor. L's toys had all found their way back to his toy room, and were arranged neatly. The clothing explosion had been gathered into some sort of group in one corner of the living room and besides that, the room was SPOTLESS; all of the throw blankets folded neatly, table and entertainment center spotless and dusted.

It was the best feeling...

I love my mom. As much as she can get on my nerves and drive me fucking INSANE sometimes, she has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She has done this cleaning faerie appearance on a few occasions...always seemingly when it will mean the most for me. She has a key to my house, a privilege of which she is way more respectful than I would even expect, but which I appreciate greatly. Even when I tell her to go ahead and stop in tomorrow to drop off such and such while I am at work, she will still call me when she is on her way and let me know she is dropping it off.

I called her right away and thanked her and let her know how much it especially meant to me that day. In her way, she downplayed it, and was just glad that I could relax a bit with L instead of cleaning...She said she felt it was the least she could do seeing as she forgot my 30th birthday earlier this month (Yeah, my mom, the birthday queen herself, forgot her own daughters 30th birthday!?!) and I assured her that this was a gift greater than ANY card or well wishes.

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Since W was out of town and L and I were all on our own this weekend, I decided to treat L and I to a cheeseburger and fries at this place instead of chowing down on mac-n-cheese or corndogs for lunch. As I was cresting the hill into this little town, I noticed a tree that seemed out of place...an empty branched winter tree sitting just beyond the ditch in the field at the side of the road, all by itself...I could not, for the life of me, recall EVER seeing this tree there, and yet, it was apparently NOT a new tree...it was well established, it had to be a good 20 years old judging by the size. A tree, I could not recall seeing, on a road that I have traveled LITERALLY THOUSANDS of times in my life; riding in the car, driving in the car, on foot, on bicycle. I could drive this road in my sleep...I can name every house along that 2 mile stretch, I can picture all of the fields and barns and silos and hills and valleys in my head...I had passed this spot thousands of times, and yet this tree, which jumped out at me this day, had never caught my eye before.

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I have been feeling the anxiety creeping in lately, trying to break down my walls and wrap it's (ITS, even - damn preggo brain) bony fingers around my neck...I have been beating it back; barely. At times I feel the shortness of breath and tightening of chest starting to overtake me.

I am scared about W's job security, and in turn our financial security. I am nervous once again about how we will afford this addition to our family. I fear how much worse is worse before better comes along? I can't handle unknowns and uncertainties...

I hate that FINANCES can do this to me. WTF. I hate that I feel this way when there are those that are so much worse off than us.

I hate that there is a part of me that knows that as long as we have each other and our love, the rest is all unimportant, and yet, that part of me is not strong enough to overcome the fear and anxiety.

My poor W and how the hell do you make THAT decision??

W has been working on replacing the trim in hour house lately, and his current focus is our little entry hall...I told him the other day to just let me put a fresh coat of paint in there before he does it, as it definitely needs a coat.

He was off work yesterday due to the insane cold, and decided to surprise me by applying the coat of paint himself and putting the new trim up...

Well, I was surprised, alright, to find that he had painted the walls GREEN in lieu of the cream color that was in there prior.

I walk through the door to find him kneeling down working in there...

"OH, you painted it green." OMG, why in the hell did he paint it green??! That is HORRID, there is no way I can live with it being GREEN!! How can he think that looks good?!?

"No, what do ya mean?"

"It's GREEN, honey"

"No it's not, it's the same color as it was before; I compared it to the walls to make sure, I even checked the color composition listed on top and it doesn't say anything about GREEN"

My poor color blind W tried his best, but alas, his eyes could not tell the difference between the cream on the walls and the light shade of green that he was painting over it with! He was so bummed. I was so bummed for him.

It continued to baffle him throughout the evening how that could possibly be a different color. I continued to praise him for his efforts, although I don't think it helped.

I can't imagine living like that and not being able to see those differences in color...

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I watched a show last night and the plot was about a single father and his ± 7 year old daughter and 2 year old son. The mom had died (sometime after the boy was born, obviously) and all three of them (father, daughter, son) had cystic fibrosis...They went into the doctor because the father was coughing a lot...Turns out, the daughter had contracted a highly contagious, deadly (to them because of the CF), incurable bacterial infection that was going to, eventually, kill her. The father, of course, wanted to be with her to console her, etc, but they told him that neither him nor his son could make any contact with her or they WOULD catch the infection and they too would die.

So she is admitted to the hospital, and the closest the father can get is to see her from the corridor through the window and talk to her on the phone. They try some long shot treatment, but find out that it is not going to work. They tell the father this, and he insists that he needs to be with her to tell her, and the continue to tell him no, that then he will die, etc...he is so torn between going to his daughter and being with her while she dies, or leaving her to die alone so that he can live to raise his son.

OMG, how the fuck do you make that decision?

Needless to say, I was BAWLING my eyes out for the entire second half of the show...

In the end, the father hands his son over to the doctors, gives them some instructions on who to contact (he has NO close family) to take his son, and he goes into his daughter's room...

I am going to start crying again...

I don't know how a person is supposed to make it through something like that.

It reminded me of all the things that can go wrong in life and that we never know what tomorrow brings...

It totally made me think about this post by Maggie over at OkayFineDammit, and made me sad for all of the people that are suffering and that endure so much while simultaneously others are celebrating joys...

It made me want to beg and plead with the Universe, or Goddess, or God or my Karma or whatever is out there that I NEVER NEVER have to go through something like that...That I somehow live a life that never knows that type of struggle, because I don't know how it is possible to endure that type of pain, and I never ever ever want to find out...

It made me feel bad, somehow, for living the blessed life I have so far lived while others suffer so much...It made me question, again, why things happen the way they do...

It made me feel so grateful for said blessed life...

It made me so so sad.

The dreams...ohh the dreams...

I have a love/hate relationship with the pregnancy dreams...

Alot of women report having especially vivid dreams during pregnancy, which is (for the most part) one of the nice side effects of pregnancy. I DO dream much more and much more vividly during pregnancy, and for the most part they are of the good variety, which is great.

Especially the sexual ones...hmmm...Seeing that at this point I have no energy left at the end of the day to do the deed, and yet still have some *desire* to do the deed, those sweet sex dreams fill the void ;0) Poor, poor W has to fend for himself on that front, hehehe...

But then there are the bad ones...the tame ones are usually dreams of parental inadequacies; leaving the baby in the car, forgetting them at home, etc etc. Those aren't so bad, but it's the not so tame ones that really make it a love/hate relationship...although they haven't been very numerous (at least for me, yet), they are so horrible that they weigh so much more heavily on the average than even the really good dreams.

The REALLY bad ones are about death and loss and are the kind that have you waking up to find that you have literally been SOBBING in your sleep. They leave you feeling sad and completely out of sorts, and not just for a few minutes...usually for the day, at least. Amazing that a series of thoughts, images and emotions created by our mind during sleep can have such an impact upon our waking lives...

So last night brought a very awesome happy dream and a fairly tame bad one...In the good dream I met up with a guy from my high school life that I haven't seen since HS that I think about and wonder about on occasion. Our relationship was...well, we were friends, but more than friends, but I have no delusions about the fact that it was definitely a little more one sided than a relationship should be...I 'loved' him, at least in my teenage mind, and we hung out alot, and he payed attention to me, and we were definitely friends, and we had sex (only once), and there are still some letters from him in my little (big) black box, but I knew then, and I know now, that he definitely used my feelings for him to his own benefit. It's okay though, it didn't leave lasting damage, and I still remember how nice it was when he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on top of the head...**SIGH**

So in my dream I ran into him, and it was FABULOUS...it was obviously supposed to be in the present, because I told him I had one child and am pregnant with another, and yet, all the details of where we were don't really match up with the here and now, but that seems to be a common occurrence in dreams...in mine anyway. He looked great; healthy and CLEAN, which, as much as I'd like to believe is true, I am not sure would be the case were I to ACTUALLY meet up with him now...I heard a while back from a mutual HS friend that he was having some issues with meth, which didn't surprise me in the least. In the dream, we caught up on each other's lives, but the best part was when he wrapped those arms around me, towering over me like he always did, and it was just like I remember it...**SIGH**

It was a great dream, and I am left with warm and fuzzy feelings from it. It was one of those dreams that played out much better in my imagination than I suspect it would in real life. I'm okay with that...I have thought a bit more about him today, which has made me feel good, with just a touch of melancholy mixed in...probably mostly just a bit of longing for those worry free days of teenage-dom.

The not so good dream was about the baby...In it I was having some cramping, and some spotting and was angry and scared that I was loosing the baby...I woke up to some ACTUAL in real life discomfort down there; not cramping really, but probably more just uterus growing discomfort. Pretty mild on the bad pregnancy dream scale. Today I have no pain and no spotting, and I am sure all is well with the little one inside me.

I hope that is as bad as the bad ones get...Maybe it was that it was balanced out by such a good dream in the same night, but it didn't leave me feeling icky today, which I am grateful for. I am hoping for none of those wake me in the night sobbing ones about loosing L or W...

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I hope you all have family and/or friends to spend tomorrow with, and lots and lots of delicious, fattening food to gorge yourselves on. I know that's my plan; I can't wait for W's uncles ham, his real cooked cranberries (no more jellied cranberries for this girl ;0) ), some pumpkin pie, a little green bean casserole (c'mon, you know you love it. And if you don't know what green bean casserole is, I'm sorry. Truly.)

I love Thanksgiving save for one thing; we have THREE places to go this year. THREE. Usually it's only two, but my brother and his wife decided that they should have Thanksgiving at HER PARENTS house this year and celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday at the same time. Sooo, we will be going over there to watch B open her presents at 11am, jet over to W's uncles at about noon or so to eat at 1pm, probably try to get home and sneak a little nap in for L, and then at 5pm we will be going to dinner at W's dad's wife's family's house (did ya get that? We don't call her his step mom because she is only 5 years older than W.) I am hoping maybe they have some different, yummy food tradition in their family since we have never been to their Thanksgiving dinner before and something different would be cool...

Oh, I almost forgot, tonite we are going to W's mom's house for dinner, and then L will be staying over night there so W and I can go out...it is a pretty big party night in our small town; a lot of people are back in town for the holiday and it is most always a fun night of meeting up with people we haven't seen in a long time.

Needless to say, by about 8pm tomorrow night, L's bedtime, I will be stuffed, bloated, frazzled from running all day, and ready to crash on the couch. I love it.

I hope everyone is feeling equally as bloated, tired, done with family and THANKFUL for all of it as I will be.