Hasta Luego!

We are heading out the door in about 10 minutes, just thought I would drop in and say G'bye, internet :0) I will see you when we get back next Sunday. Here's a little something from L...

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Hope everyone has a great week and Labor Day weekend...Hope you all get to do a little relaxing :0)

A wandering post about photography and reconnecting with the past...

I have been so busy lately, I haven't had much time to let my brain wander and think about things (which can be a good thing) but I feel my posts have gotten a little boring lately. So here is something a little more interesting :0)

I LOVE taking photos. I am the photo taker in our family, and amongst my friends. I can pretty much always be counted on to have my camera with and snap RIDICULOUS amounts of pictures to remember every ocassion by; from big important milestones to 'just hangin' out' moments.

There is something about looking through that viewfinder and freezing moments in time. Somehow it makes me feel like I have some control over this ever accelerating passage of time. I can capture people and places and feelings and file them away for safe keeping. As I move through life I see a landscape, or a bird, or an emotion and I want to see it through my viewfinder, frame it just so and record it forever as it is right then and there.

I would love to someday do it for a living...I only wish I would have realized this sooner. But I didn't; C'est la vie, I am where I am. All I can do is hope to make it happen by taking the long way around since I didn't take the direct route. So for now, it is a hobby that I someday hope to turn into something more.

A recent encounter with my friend Dana made my soul YEARN for more time to spend on my photography and made me, to be quite honest, a bit jealous of her :0) She is a couple of years younger than me, and is the sister of my BFF R (I really hate that expression, but it really does perfectly describe her, lol). I hadn't seen Dana in quite awhile, and we talked photography and caught up. I then also got turned on to her blogsite, which gave me an even deeper glimpse into her life as an adult, which is kinda weird, in a way...Ya know, up until recently in my mind she was just still little Dana...I grew up along side her, saw her quite often, but haven't seen her much since HS, and so she was just stuck there in time as little Dana. Now, she is unfolding into this REAL person, this ADULT person before my eyes. I have always liked her, but am finding that she and I seem to have more in common than I would have guessed. She has different interests than I might have thought she would...It feels good; to have a bit of a reconnection with someone whom I grew up with, especially at this time when I feel a bit short on and disconnected from female friends.

Dana and her SO are into mountain biking, competitively, and she is an amatuer photography nut, not unlike myself. She is "the photographer" for the men's circuit this year, from what I understand. She has been able to build herself a sweet little camera (which I am totally jealous of :0) ). Her and her SO travel around to all these wonderfully beautiful places, and she takes amazing photos on her travels. They have their group of riding buddies, with all kinds of experiences they have had together that give them a special camraderie. She is working toward making her passion, her photography, more than just a hobby.

It makes me miss the days before L when we had a group of friends with a camraderie like that...granted, our ties to each other were of a very different nature (something I may touch on at some point...not ready to blog on that part of my life yet) but it was there none the less. Makes me yearn for those days when we were financially able to pretty much do as we pleased (to an extent...we weren't rich, just didn't have the financial obligations that we have now such as mortgage, car payments, a child, etc), when I could have built myself a sweet little camera of my own (why didnt' I? Where did all that money go back then?) When were able to and could up and go somewhere on a whim. Makes me wish we WOULD HAVE done more traveling and exploring before we had L. I guess seeing her just made me yearn for that different time in my life again.

Seeing her and her work ALSO inspired me to MAKE more time to focus on this hobby. Which I have been. I try to not go anywhere without my camera now, because SO often I am going about my daily life and see things I want to capture, and the first step to being able to do that is actually having my camera with me. I have also been working with my camera and figuring out how to use all those options and manual settings I paid for :0) I am very much enjoying it. I have been wanting to share some photos that I have taken that I really love. So here they are.



This is actually an older photo, but it is one of my first 'babies', Hera. I actually have this photo published in a book of pet photos. It is the first really sweet photo I took with my camera. When you see it blown up it is so detailed; you can see cat hair on the blue blanket, lol...That's when I was like 'Whoa, this is a COOL camera!'








This one I took the other night, and I still need to crop it down a bit, I want to get those vehicles out of the frame. I love the feeling this shot gives me though. My little man running in his little toddler way.












This one is older too, and I didn't have the hang of focusing yet, it's a little fuzzy cuz the auto focus had trouble with the fur, but I am still proud of it. And it is my sweet little Simone.








This one needs a little editing with the coloring yet, but I like it.












Of course, these two have much more of an impact when they are printed out on a larger scale :0)














And, of course I think this is a great photo.















And that's it for now. This is probably the last post I will get to really put out there until after I get back from the cabin. I am still wondering how I am going to survive for 9 days without checking in on the blogs that I have gotten used to following!! UGH!! LOLOL... But you can BET I will be taking lots of photos at the cabin and 'making time for my hobby' :0)

Oh, and Thanks, Dana, for inspiring me. And I AM going to take you up on that offer to get together and play around taking photos...I am thinking this fall when the leaves are turning...I will get rid of L for a day and we can go somewhere fun and just take photos. I am very much looking forward to it!

I got it...

Okay, so instead of linking to the photos on my photobucket site I just linked to the file saved on my computer and viola, it worked like a charm. Don't know why, but I didn't want to link to my computer files, but just gonna do it I guess. Probably my lack of knowledge leading to a fear that linking to the file on my computer will lead to someone being able to access my personal files and steal my identity or something...You never know, it COULD happen, I think...LOL.

So anyway, check out the photo of L I took the other day.---------------->>>>


I never cease to be amazed by how cute he is. I mean, I think W and I are decent looking people, for sure, but WOW, L turned out way too cute :0)

A co-worker said of the photo "Huh, is that a hint of what's to come?" referring to L being "behind bars" and I wanted to smack him for putting that bad ju-ju out there!

I give up

Okay, I give up. Blogger sucks. I guess I get what I pay for, which is nothing. I cannot get it to load my photos off of photobucket for the life of me. I guess I shouldn't expect much for free.

So you guys won't get to see any more photos of my little man unless someone can tell me what I am doing wrong.

This thing is pissin' me off!!

Okay, I have been trying to add more pics of L, and the stupid thing either says "Please specify an image" after I put in the link to my photo on photobucket, OR it says "this image has been moved or deleted" which is BS, cuz I just downloaded the damn image...

ARGHHH!!

Okay, gonna have to try again tomorrow, it's past my bedtime. Nighty night.

9 Days

In 8 days, I will officially be on vacation, and in 9 days we will be settling into the cabin for 9 days of relaxation, friends, food, nature discovery with L, camp fires, wheeler rides through state forest land, bean bag tourneys, food, lazy afternoons in the chair reading, coffee on the dock at sunrise (watching the otters play), photography, more food, pontooning, fishing....ahhhhhh sweet, sweet vacation. Did I mention food?

(That may be the only drawback; the 5 lbs I am guaranteed to gain while there...but what they hell, it's worth it!)

Our annual trip to the cabin (I say 'the' cabin like it's ours...it's not, we rent one at a resort, but it really has become 'ours' the last week of August through Labor Day every year!) is something I look forward to as soon as we arrive back home every year :) It is so wonderful to escape to the great north woods, away from the hustle and bustle of every day life for over a week. We never took week long vacations when I was growing up, we just took long weekends at the lake (Friday through Sunday) and it just isn't the same as getting away for 9 days...When you take a long weekend, about the time you are fully relaxed and getting into the 'vacation life' then you have to pack up and go home. When you go for 9 days, you really get to relax. By the time it is time to go home, you actually WANT to go home. It is amazing. And I can't wait!

(Not to mention that when I was young we were tenting it, mom and dad had the camper on the back of the truck but K and I stayed in tents. The toilet was an outhouse, no running water, etc etc. Now I go to a cabin, which is SO COOL, LOL. It's the awesome camping feeling and experience with the luxuries of home like a bed and running water! I do still enjoy a good tenting weekend though :0) )

L is going to have SOOO MUCH FUN this year! I can't wait to catch frogs with him and feed the striped gophers (these little buggers are so tame they will crawl right up in your lap for peanuts and let you pet them), feed the ducks corn, watch the otters swim, take nature walks with him, feed him his first 'Smore', and all the things I loved doing while camping as a kid. He is going to be able to run around with the other kids this year, which I know he is going to LOVE. He is going to be on cloud 9 when he gets to be outside 90% of the time for those 9 days...My little nature boy cannot get enough of being outside. He isn't going to know what to do with himself!

I love these pre-vacation weeks of anticipation; they make me feel like a kid again. Just like I did before we would head up to the lake for the weekend. That feeling is one of my few REALLY GOOD memories from my childhood.

Why must they?

Why do people feel they need a plastic grocery bag when they are leaving the store with ONE ITEM? That really irritates me. When I go to the store, if I am only buying an item or two (or 3 or whatever I can carry to my car w/o dropping) I just don't get a bag, because I don't need one.

As with anything, there are always exceptions, and I am not trying to say we should NEVER take a bag. If I have L with and am only getting a couple of things I may still get a bag, cuz having a toddler with you somehow makes even small tasks MUCH HARDER. And I would never begrudge an elderly person, or parent with child, or a disabled person for taking a bag for an item or two.

But I see it often, and it bugs me. Maybe I am being just being anal and b*tchy...Maybe these people I see taking bags for ONE item *are* doing their part by re-using or recyling that bag (but the skeptic in me is doubting it in alot of cases)

Saving our planet has to start somewhere. It's the first R people...Reduce.

Okay, stepping down off my soapbox now.

The 'f-bomb'

So there's this guy at my work who really hardly EVER swears. Which is pretty much the opposite of me. I try not too, but I was (practically) raised in a bar, or so it felt from my perspective as a child, so it's not my fault, I swear (hehe). Sometimes I go through phases were I tone it down quite a bit, but then I am at it again. I don't swear in front of my child or other people's children (save for the rare occasion that one slips if I get worked up over something). I mean, I am very professional when I need to be, and I know how to behave respectably in many various settings, but when I am amongst my FRIENDS it is not rare for different swear words to intermingle into my conversation.

Back to my point. When this guy swears, you KNOW he is PISSED. MAN, does it have an IMPACT when he swears. He dropped an f-bomb the other day, and I almost had to take a trip to the ER for whiplash, I swear my head whipped around so fast when I heard that come out of his mouth!

My old boss at the bar is that way too...If I EVER heard a swear word come out of his mouth, I high tailed it the other way, and really hoped I wasn't the one it was aimed at, cuz he is a big teddy bear, but if you hear him swearing, you best run.

*I* want to be like that...I want people to be like "WHOA" if they hear me drop an f-bomb. I think I'd like to work on that.

All on me...

My parents never held back telling us how proud they were / are of us. Every accomplishment got us showered with praise and hugs and love, to the point where you just want to say ENOUGH already. Growing up, this is a good thing. Now though, thinking back to how much they praised us makes me feel even more guilty when I am overwhelmed by feelings of shame (of them).

Mom called me the other night just as L and i were getting started on our walk. We were headed to my MIL's house, which is pretty much a nightly stop on our walk. L gets upset if he can't stop and see GMa Linda and Rob when we walk by their house. I didn't want her to know we were stopping at my MIL's cuz I knew how it would make her feel, what she would say and in turn how it would make me feel. So I answered the phone already feeling irritated with her.

We chatted and I shortly arrived at GMa Linda's house and walked in...L played with Gma and Rob while I talked to my mom. Soon enough came the part of the conversation I was dreading...

"Well, I will let you go, it sounds like you have company"

"L and I just stopped at Linda and Rob's on our walk"

"Oh, well I won't keep you it sounds like you are busy with your family"

--WHAM-- there they are, the words that hit in my stomach like a ton of bricks.

"No, Mom, it's okay, we just stopped quick on our way by to say hi".

There's me, trying to make her feel better when really, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for the way I feel toward my parents. It's THEIR choice to drink, and it's MY choice to not want my son to grow up (like I did) thinking that drinking to the point of being intoxicated EVERY night is normal. I want MY son to grow up seeing that not everyone does that.

"I will let you go. Have a good night, and one of these nights you will just have to stop by *our* house and visit *us* on your walk."

"'k Mom, love you, talk to you soon. Bye"

I hang up and the same old feelings come washing over me. The feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, shame. It's not fair; not fair that she makes me feel this way, not fair that they are the way they are.

I love my Mom and Dad so so much. Sometimes I just don't like them so so much. On the rare occasion that I get to see them on a Saturday morning I get to see their uninebriated selves, I am filled with love and longing...Longing that they could be like this all the time. Especially my dad...on those mornings, I get to see what my dad *could* be, and I love the *potential dad* so much (except for the shaking hands, of course...he will shake until he gets a few beers in him, and THAT part is hard to watch. Of course, it remains unspoke of, eyes averted. It is the elephant in the room...). Soon enough the joy is replaced by sadness because I know this state will be gone soon enough.

I hate that they drink so much. I hate that most of the time when we see them they are half in the bag (or more). I hate that they think it's normal and feel hurt when they see me spending more time with my MIL (who doesn't drink hardly EVER) and make ME feel guilty for making them feel hurt when it's their own fault. I hate that my mom thinks she doesn't have a problem because she goes to work everyday and doesn't drink in the morning before work (unlike her father, who would wake up in the night to take a couple of shots; her father who basically drank 24/7), and doesn't get falling down drunk. I hate that my father will readily admit that he has a problem but in the same breath explain it away that he has been doing it for so many years and it just is what it is. My dad who seems to be just drinking away the days, biding his time until he dies. My daddy, who talks to himself constantly and irritates me more than not these days.

I hate myself for not being able to come right out and tell her and my dad how I feel.

My brother has distanced himself. He has his wife and kids and her family, which is where he gravitates towards, which I TOTALLY understand. He likes to spend time with her family because they are about 180 degrees from what our parents are like, 180 degrees from what the atmosphere we grew up in, and 100% closer to what he wants HIS kids to grow up seeing. He gravitates toward them for all the same reasons I gravitate toward my MIL. (Funny part of that story is that his MIL and my MIL are sisters. He married my husbands first cousin. Our kids are double cousins; first cousins on our side and 3rd cousins on our spouses' side, hehe).

So I totally get it, and I don't blame him, but sometimes I get so envious of him, and somewhat angry at him as I feel I am left holding up our parents. They talk to ME about how it hurts them that he has pulled away. They talk to me like I am on *their* side. And I listen, and I give vague answers and I try to explain it from his side without just laying it all out there and letting them know that I understand EXACTLY what he is feeling and why he is pulling away. Because if I did, I fear they would be left feeling like they have no one on their side...I fear the sadness that could cause..I don't know if I can handle being the one to insert that knife and cause that wound...

I get so angry at them for giving me so little to be proud of them for.

Some days it feels like it's all on me.

Feeling a little better...

So I am feeling a little better today, thank god. It has moved into my sinuses a little more, but my throat doesn't hurt like it did for the last few days.

I have a few posts started about things that I really want to blog about, am trying to get those wrapped up, so stay tuned. If only work would stop getting in the way of my blogging!!! LOL...

I must say I am starting to wish I had a laptop; I keep thinking "OMG, what am I going to do in two weeks when I am at the cabin for 9 days and can't check my blogs?"

OMG, I think I need help.

UGH

Ugh...I am feeling worse. Now my eyes are burning and watering, I can't even get my brain to work straight and that is no good...I have 2 bids due tomorrow and really need to focus this afternoon.

I am trudging through soley on the fact that my FIL and his wife are picking L up from daycare today and I don't have to pick him up until just ahead of 7, so if I scoot outta here right at 4, I can get home and probably squeeze in an hour and a half of sleep before I gotta go get him.

Oh, c'mon 4 o'clock.

I'm a baby, I know...

Ugh. I'm sick. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my nose burns, I have the chills, and I just wanna go home and go to sleep. I HATE being sick. Of course, it happens now, when I am swamped, and cannot even go home and sleep. I was totally slow at work for like 3 weeks, and now I am swamped, and it HAS to happen now.

Damn.

Blog list stealing...

Just wanted to say thanks R, as you have (or will) notice that I ransacked your Blog list and stole a bunch...You hooked me on Andrea's blog the day after she died, I picked up on Kristin's (betternow) blog not too long ago, and today I checked out a couple of others and seriously laughed out loud at my desk, so I gotta add them so I can check them out more :) So thanks :)