All on me...

My parents never held back telling us how proud they were / are of us. Every accomplishment got us showered with praise and hugs and love, to the point where you just want to say ENOUGH already. Growing up, this is a good thing. Now though, thinking back to how much they praised us makes me feel even more guilty when I am overwhelmed by feelings of shame (of them).

Mom called me the other night just as L and i were getting started on our walk. We were headed to my MIL's house, which is pretty much a nightly stop on our walk. L gets upset if he can't stop and see GMa Linda and Rob when we walk by their house. I didn't want her to know we were stopping at my MIL's cuz I knew how it would make her feel, what she would say and in turn how it would make me feel. So I answered the phone already feeling irritated with her.

We chatted and I shortly arrived at GMa Linda's house and walked in...L played with Gma and Rob while I talked to my mom. Soon enough came the part of the conversation I was dreading...

"Well, I will let you go, it sounds like you have company"

"L and I just stopped at Linda and Rob's on our walk"

"Oh, well I won't keep you it sounds like you are busy with your family"

--WHAM-- there they are, the words that hit in my stomach like a ton of bricks.

"No, Mom, it's okay, we just stopped quick on our way by to say hi".

There's me, trying to make her feel better when really, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for the way I feel toward my parents. It's THEIR choice to drink, and it's MY choice to not want my son to grow up (like I did) thinking that drinking to the point of being intoxicated EVERY night is normal. I want MY son to grow up seeing that not everyone does that.

"I will let you go. Have a good night, and one of these nights you will just have to stop by *our* house and visit *us* on your walk."

"'k Mom, love you, talk to you soon. Bye"

I hang up and the same old feelings come washing over me. The feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, shame. It's not fair; not fair that she makes me feel this way, not fair that they are the way they are.

I love my Mom and Dad so so much. Sometimes I just don't like them so so much. On the rare occasion that I get to see them on a Saturday morning I get to see their uninebriated selves, I am filled with love and longing...Longing that they could be like this all the time. Especially my dad...on those mornings, I get to see what my dad *could* be, and I love the *potential dad* so much (except for the shaking hands, of course...he will shake until he gets a few beers in him, and THAT part is hard to watch. Of course, it remains unspoke of, eyes averted. It is the elephant in the room...). Soon enough the joy is replaced by sadness because I know this state will be gone soon enough.

I hate that they drink so much. I hate that most of the time when we see them they are half in the bag (or more). I hate that they think it's normal and feel hurt when they see me spending more time with my MIL (who doesn't drink hardly EVER) and make ME feel guilty for making them feel hurt when it's their own fault. I hate that my mom thinks she doesn't have a problem because she goes to work everyday and doesn't drink in the morning before work (unlike her father, who would wake up in the night to take a couple of shots; her father who basically drank 24/7), and doesn't get falling down drunk. I hate that my father will readily admit that he has a problem but in the same breath explain it away that he has been doing it for so many years and it just is what it is. My dad who seems to be just drinking away the days, biding his time until he dies. My daddy, who talks to himself constantly and irritates me more than not these days.

I hate myself for not being able to come right out and tell her and my dad how I feel.

My brother has distanced himself. He has his wife and kids and her family, which is where he gravitates towards, which I TOTALLY understand. He likes to spend time with her family because they are about 180 degrees from what our parents are like, 180 degrees from what the atmosphere we grew up in, and 100% closer to what he wants HIS kids to grow up seeing. He gravitates toward them for all the same reasons I gravitate toward my MIL. (Funny part of that story is that his MIL and my MIL are sisters. He married my husbands first cousin. Our kids are double cousins; first cousins on our side and 3rd cousins on our spouses' side, hehe).

So I totally get it, and I don't blame him, but sometimes I get so envious of him, and somewhat angry at him as I feel I am left holding up our parents. They talk to ME about how it hurts them that he has pulled away. They talk to me like I am on *their* side. And I listen, and I give vague answers and I try to explain it from his side without just laying it all out there and letting them know that I understand EXACTLY what he is feeling and why he is pulling away. Because if I did, I fear they would be left feeling like they have no one on their side...I fear the sadness that could cause..I don't know if I can handle being the one to insert that knife and cause that wound...

I get so angry at them for giving me so little to be proud of them for.

Some days it feels like it's all on me.