I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

________________________________________________________________


Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

_____________________________________________________________

I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

________________________________________________________________

We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

_________________________________________________________

I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Just whining....

So today, I am just going to whine.

Sunday evening, after a long weekend of a lot of running and time spent outside, and a few ball park hotdogs and lots of sun on Sunday afternoon, I started feeling nauseus and crappy...I hardly slept Sunday night because the nausea was so bad. I woke up Monday morning and puked and felt generally shitty. So I sent L to daycare and stayed home and tried to sleep the day away. But seeing that I can only go a few hours of laying in one location, I spent much of the day tossing, and turning and moving from one couch, to the other, to the bed and back again. I got up in the evening and went with W to his father's for dinner and to pick up L, mostly because I had to get up off the couch, my back and hips were hurting so bad.

Today, I woke up feeling much better, but now, after a couple of hours, I am not so sure that I am feeling all that much better. It is either a minor flu, or plain old pregnancy discomfort. I am REALLY REALLY hoping it is the former, because seriously, if this is all pregnancy discomfort, and this is how it is going to be from here on out, I have NO CLUE how the hell I am going to make it another 12 weeks. I do not want this baby to come out before s/he is ready, but man, I am getting huge and SO sore...my back is still killing my, and I just feel like the baby is wedged in there in some weird ass position, and my hips hurt and my pelvis hurts, and I can't even go home and sleep the day away because that only makes my back hurt worse.

**SIGH**

Okay. I am done whining for now. It will all be worth it in the end...Keep my eye on the prize...I just have to keep telling myself these things. And hope that this is a little bug, and I am feeling at least a little better soon...and that the next 12 weeks go REALLY fast...or maybe also that this baby is ready a couple weeks early like L was.

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Movement...

She is moving...I just ate a ham sandwich with spicy habanero mustard and she must have liked it cuz I was working away and she started kicking and rolling and then I was crying and remembering that THIS is what's important in life...Her, rolling and kicking, and me, taking the time to pay attention to her and burn these memories into my mind and file them away.

No matter the bills, or W being unemployed, or the scary economy or the bony fingers of the anxiety trying to wrap themselves around my throat or all of the above, THIS baby, and L, and W, and our love, THAT is what REALLY matters. THAT is what will pull us through the scary times ahead still intact.

I have been feeling her (who, if I may remind you, may not even be a her, but she will be until or if she comes out a he) move a little bit every day now for about 2 weeks. It is so reassuring and fun and just CRAZY; to have a HUMAN BEING rolling around and kicking you from the inside. Absolutely one of the wildest, most amazing things ever. I love it. And it is a bit sad to think this may be the last time I feel this miracle ever. But for now, it's good.

15.5 weeks *Warning, potentially boring pregnancy update*

Okay, so I am definitely feeling better and definitely starting to feel quite glow-y, which rocks!

At least in between the anxiety. But I am keeping that at bay for the most part, and if it gets too bad, I promise I will talk to my doctor about it. I know it is being partly brought on (or made worse) by the pregnancy, and the rational part of my brain knows that lying awake at night going over and over and over things and getting more and more anxious will not change what is going to happen.

Enough of that though, I did not come here to blog about that. I am trying to not think about THAT. On a mostly unrelated topic, I have a weird, probably insightful, may make you think I am a nut job kind of post brewing, that I hope to share with you sometime soon, but the timing will have to be right, and it just hasn't been yet.

I DID come here to blog about 15.5 weeks, though. 15.5 down, 24.5 give or take a couple to go. As I said, I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, and I am so thankful for that. I finally broke out the maternity pants over the weekend, I was still able to wear my regular pants with a hair binder through the button hole, but it was getting pretty uncomfortable so I had to give in. I am enjoying it, though, as I am getting enough of a belly that most anyone can tell I am pregnant (and SERIOUSLY, if you think this is a gunt when you see me, get real, I have never, and will never have a gunt!), but the rest of me hasn't gotten any bigger (well, my boobs have), so I actually feel like a *cute* pregnant lady...you know those ones whose bodies stay exactly the same, only they have this cute little basketball in the front. I am going to enjoy it while I can, as I am sure that by then end, I will be looking like a line backer or mack truck again...

I have a check up tonight. At this point they are pretty boring; weight check (actually kinda looking forward to this, as of last week I was down a pound, which means I hadn't gained ANYTHING yet!) blood pressure check, listen to babies hearbeat, and I'm outta there. I am going to take L with me though this time...I think it will be fun for him to hear the heartbeat; maybe, just maybe if we listen to his heartbeat, and my heartbeat, and then the babies heartbeat, it will help him understand that there REALLY IS something in there.

I am REALLY getting anxious now to feel the baby move...I have felt something here and there that *could* be her (or him, but just know now that from here on out, even though we will not know until birth for sure, I will be referring to the baby as her, for ease of blogging, and cuz I do hope this one is a her!), but it could also be gas, or just weird muscles I never knew I had growing or moving. Really anytime now I could start feeling her. That is going to make it so much more real, and that is when the bond will really start forming.



My baby is now about 4" long, and the size of a softball. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists, make a fist, and suck her thumb. She is moving around in there, even though I don't feel her yet. She is really starting to look human!

In another 4 weeks I will get to have my ultrasound, and even though we won't find out the sex, it is still fun to see your baby in there, looking all human, doing tricks, and to see that all organs are as they should be and to hear that all is well so far.

My rules

I always knew that if I was going to have a blog, I didn't want it to be a blog that was just a day to day regurgitation and sickeningly sweet celebration of all the adorable little things my son does. I know alot of people whose blogs are exactly that. All they ever talk about are their children, or that BBQ they went to yesterday.

I wanted my blog to be about more...because *I AM* so much more than just a mom to my child(ren). I wanted to have a place to express all these ideas and thoughts and questions and crap that rolls around in my head. And then sprinkle a little sickeningly sweet celebration of L in the mix, while totally keeping it real ;0)

There are lots of bloggers who do this, if you doubt it, check out her or him or him or her. They all rock. And they definitely talk about their kids, but their blogs are so much more than just that.

So, in my one track pregnancy frame of mind, I am going to try to keep this blog away from being JUST a diary of my pregnancy, but I can make no promises. But like my good friend R said; My blog, My rules.

So, I am 7 weeks + 5 days pregnant and it is amazing to me that this little being inside of me already looks like this:





And amazing how quickly things develop....

Hands at 48 days



Hands at 51 days



And the feet...

51 days



60 days



Amazing, isn't it? Even though the little bean is only 11mm long (think .43 inches, less than 1/2 of an inch...) he or she already has little fingers and toes. And a beating heart. And a few organs. And eyes.

Wow.

The other amazing thing is that a little being less than 1/2 of an inch long can make a full size human being feel like such dogshit.

And that that same human knows it will all be worth it in the end.

The bean this week...

I was just checking out one of my favorite sites these days - a site about the bean's development, of course, and had to share...

It says that the bean is now the size of a large lime - 1.75 to 2.4 inches long! Just 2 weeks ago she was only the size of an olive, and now is the size of a lime. Amazing...





My baby is now able to swallow and her urinary system functions...she is already preparing for nursing :0)