Snippets of life stuff...

It is getting noticeably lighter on my drive to work in the mornings...A reminder that this bitter cold, dark, restricting winter cannot last forever. Warm, green, light times full of birth and growth and fresh garden goodies and evening walks to the duck pond with L and picnics and Farmers' Markets and parades and BBQ's and bare toes in soft grass and lazy days in the sun WILL return.

*SIGH*

I must just be patient for a bit longer. It is on the horizon.

____________________________________________________________


Maybe it was the noticeably lighter drive, or the fact that the final tendrils of the flu have finally left our house, but I felt absolutely WONDERFUL on the way to work this morning...Better than I have felt in so long. I felt that 'pregnancy glow' you hear about.

I have decided that I am definitely NOT a person who loves being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome of it, and I do love PARTS of it; feeling the baby move inside of me, knowing that I am literally growing a life inside of me, the wonderful primal sense of empowerment that comes with labor and childbirth (think I am woman, hear me ROAR!), but for the most part, I could REALLY REALLY just skip this part and go right to the wonderful prize at the end. I am definitely feeling SUPER inpatient this time, and decidedly more selfish about giving my body over to this baby for 10 months + however long she/he decides to nurse, and definitely NOT reveling in the attention which is piled upon pregnant women from everyone from family to complete strangers. All of these feelings make me feel incredibly guilty. I *KNOW* the pain of wanting it SO BAD and feeling like it will never happen. I *KNOW* the pain of finally succeeding only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you just as soon as you settle into feeling comfortable and happy in your success. I *KNOW* how I would have liked to seriously murder a pregnant woman who would say these things when I was on the other side trying so desperately to get in. So I hate that I feel impatient and selfish.

This morning, though, in my moment of basking in the 'pregnancy glow' I did not feel any of these things...I was thinking about how wonderful it was going to be to feel this baby start to move around inside of me...to get to know her/his sleep and waking patterns and to see how this baby behaves differently or the same as L did in the womb. I felt really good about being right where I am at in this pregnancy, and so I only hope that as I continue to feel better in this second trimester I can continue to just sit back and enjoy this time and really relish it as probably the last time that I will ever experience growing a human being inside of me.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize...

______________________________________________________________


I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio for awhile now and his guidelines and financial ideals really make sense. I have been wanting to get his book(s), and have REALLY been needing to get a handle on our money situation. We really need to actively start controlling our money, rather than wondering where the heck it goes. We should absolutely be able to have a safety net in savings much larger than what we have (we have one mortgage payment, which I realize is more than most people have, but it is really not enough.) I should not have to dread balancing the check book and paying the bills, at least not as much as I do now.

It is partly my fault...I have really been slacking on buying food for lunches for W and letting him eat fast food for lunch every day. Partly my fault for not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough, and MAKING him be accountable for the money he spends...partly my fault for marrying someone SO OPPOSITE me in our financial ideals and who has never really had to be responsible or pay attention to where to money goes (neither before his relationship with me nor since the start of it) and for never MAKING him have to take part in the responsibility of figuring out how to pay all the bills on time...We both know and have always known that were something to break up our relationship, it would be financial dischord...

So last night I sat down and did a budget. And I MADE him be a part of it. I MADE him go through it with me and SEE where the numbers come from and where the numbers go...I have done this before, and have always gotten to a point where I was tired of fighting with him on it, and we have fallen back into our same old ways. But this time, it HAS to be followed through. Things are going to be tighter than they ever have once this new baby arrives...Things beyond our control are more uncertain than ever, and we are LITERALLY one set back or disaster away from becoming a statistic. Although we may be 'okay' now, and not struggle as much as so many other people I know, we are by no means financially secure, and it is time for us to buckle down and face reality just like so many others need to do right now.

So we came to some agreements. And although I know it will still be more in my court to ensure that we both follow through, I AM making him become partly responsible for managing his money...He will no longer have his check card (something we BOTH know he is just not capable of using responsibly, as he has no connection to what's ACTUALLY left in the account) but will be getting a set amount of money each week IN CASH, and he will have to make it last and once it's gone, it's gone. I have been kind enough (as an ex-smoker) to keep his cigarettes in the budget as a necessity and they will be covered, but energy drinks and beer and whatever else he spends his freaking money on come out of his small cash allowance and once it's gone, too bad.

Sometimes I REALLY REALLY hate the fact that I have to treat him like a child in this aspect, rather than a partner...I hate that he isn't more on the same page financially as me, I hate that he is so laid back about it all and so "Oh, it will work itself out" about it (because IT doesn't just work itself out, it NEVER has, *I* work it all out) and that really, he is so immature about it. But this is who he is...he is very laid back about most everything in life, which is part of what attracts me to him...he balances my unrelenting uptightedness (is that a word??) and helps me let loose and laugh...and I knew this when I married him, and I married him despite of and because of this, all at the same time. But sometimes it is SO frustrating and tiring and makes me wonder...SIGH.

But I am hopeful and determined that this time it will stick and that he WILL learn to be at least a LITTLE bit responsible and a little bit more of a partner in this with me...And I bought a used copy of one of Dave Ramsey's books to help keep me on track and help keep me motivated.

_______________________________________________________


Oh, oh I forgot...I saw the most annoying commercial last night...annoying on so many levels.

It was for a tax debt relief company, you know 'Do you owe the IRS money? Well we can help!' and there were all these people saying 'We owed the IRS $17,000, but we only PAID $2,000!' 'We owed the IRS $200,000 but we only PAID $8,000!' and the best of all 'We owed the IRS $3 Million but we PAID less than $1 million!!"

Every admission was followed by this happy, coniving smile.

SERIOUSLY? If you owe the IRS $2K or $17K or ESPECIALLY $3 MILLION, you are obviously making some money and you have OBVIOUSLY been doing something ILLEGAL by AVOIDING PAYING YOUR FUCKING TAXES in the FIRST place, and you are PROUD that you got away with ILLEGALLY AVOIDING TAXES and THEN strapping the REST of us who PAY our taxes with your burden as you snake your way out of paying taxes that you should have paid in the first place????

Am I the only one who sees something morally wrong with this? I mean, c'mon, we all look for every break we can get when it comes to taxes, but I definitely don't AVOID my taxes and I pay my share and I definitely find it morally not acceptable to illegally avoid taxes and then brag about how I hired a fucking lawyer to beg, borrow and steal my way out of paying taxes that I evaded in the first place.

UGH, pissed me off.