Feeling like crap

I am feeling like crap today. Head cold. Continuously running nose, sneezing, sore throat, sinus pressure / headache, watery eyes.

It started 2 days ago, but today is decidedly worse. Hopefully this will be the worst day and it will get better from here. L and the baby both have a little cold too...L was coughing all night - at least he is big enough to use Vicks on him, which did help.

I don't think you should be allowed to get sick when you have kids. There should really just be a law against it.

I know it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with being sick before I had kids when I knew that at least if I made it through the day at work, that I could go home, tell W to cook for his damn self, plop on the couch and sleep for a good 12 hours before I had to get up and do it again.

Ahhh, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep sounds like heaven!

Now, I have to look forward to going home and dealing with a toddler and an infant, and if I am lucky, getting to sleep by 9pm. I can't really tell them to cook for their damn selves. Although we are just having pizza, so W can handle that, and hopefully I can at least lounge on the couch and just nurse the baby.

And maybe I will just leave the office door closed after I finish pumping and sneak in a 20 minute nap...that would help a bit too.

Hard

This is when it's hard.

When I am here, in my office pumping. Thiss is when I cannot help but think of his little self. If I close my eyes, I can picture him down there suckling. I can smell him and I can feel his fuzzy little head cupped in my palm like it is when he nurses. His chubby little hands resting on my breast, or wrapped around my finger. his little jaw moving; suck-suck-swallow...

I can see his face when his belly is full and he pulls of, looks me in the eyes, sticks his tongue out and smiles and coos at me. So content and full and happy. His new thing is blowing raspberries when he finishes. He lays there looking up at me smiling and blowing raspberries.

Yeah. This is when it's hard.

What?!?

So, awhile back, when C was probably around 6 weeks old, my sister in law had asked me how things were going with him, and I happened to mention that things were good, except it didn't feel like we were really falling into a napping routine during the day as much as L seemed to have been by that point. She has 3 babies, her third being just 2 months older than baby C. She mentioned she wanted to borrow me a copy of a book to read that she felt would help me. The book was Baby Wise. I had heard of it, and was interested in checking it out.

So I took it, and started reading it but I didn't get very far - it really turned me off from the start. I dunno why, I guess it just felt preachy and superior. Like, they would say they didn't think the 'other' way was wrong, but really it felt like that's exactly what they were saying. Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance, but I really just didn't think I liked where it was going.

She had asked me for it back the other day, so today I grabbed it and was heading over there. Before I headed out the door, I flipped through it quickly, thinking maybe I SHOULD have read it; maybe I would have gotten something useful out of it.

So I flipped to this one page, and it was talking basically about tending to your baby whenever it cries, and how if you give the baby attention right away every time it cries, then it will learn to expect immediate attention and they won't ever have any patience and will expect everything right away, etc etc. THEN it went on to correlate this idea to breast feeding, and that if a mother breast feeds 'on demand' whenever the baby wants to that the baby will learn to associate food with comfort, and that this could very well be a contributing factor to the obesity rate in our country!?!?!?!!??

WHAT?!!?

Ummm, yeah, pretty sure I personally was not going to find much useful information in THAT book. Not much that I could agree with anyway.

SERIOUSLY?! They honestly believe that nursing on demand is a contributing factor to childhood / adult obesity?! I find that absurd. I really do. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is - I haven't done any research on it - but my gut instincts tell me that is absurd.

And I was reading something else the other day about babies that sleep through the night early on, but then start waking in the night to eat again, usually around 4 months. One camp is of the opinion that the mother should NOT give in to the baby and feed them in the night, because they obviously CAN go for 8, 10, 12 hours without eating, as they have been doing it previously, and so the baby (a 3 or 4 month old baby, mind you) is MANIPULATING the mother.

WHAT?!!?

SERIOUSLY?! A 3 month old? Manipulating? Really? I mean, the baby couldn't possibly be HUNGRY, right!?

I don't buy it. Nope. Not drinking that Kool-aid.

C has woken up the last 2 nights at right around 3AM to nurse, even though he has been sleeping from about 7:30pm until anywhere from 6-8am for 7 weeks now. And I am sorry, but you cannot convince me that he all of a sudden decided that he was going to *manipulate* me by making me nurse him just for kicks in the middle of the night. That baby is H-U-N-G-R-Y! He burns through both breasts and then lays back down and falls back to sleep.

I just don't get some people's mentalities when it comes to young babies. I have witnessed a mom letting a 3 month old 'cry it out' at nap time, and I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong - we resorted to some modified 'cry it out' stuff with Logan, but not until he was older, and I KNEW he was indeed old enough to try and 'manipulate', if you will, to get his way. But this was a THREE month old. And I could see that it was killing the mother to be there, listening to her baby cry and cry and cry in the other room, and not going in to comfort her. And it hurt ME to watch the entire scene. I know she was trying to 'train' the baby, because some book told her if she didn't 'nip it in the butt' now, that her baby would run her life forever, but I just don't get that. Not with a 3 month old.

Don't get me wrong. I *DO* believe that it is our job as parents to create healthy habits in our children, and I do know that it doesn't take long for a baby to get into the 'habit' of something, but I don't know. Those types of methods just seem so cold and UN-NATURAL to me.

Not comforting a baby when it cries seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Not feeding a baby when they are hungry, because some book or some person along the way said they should only need to eat every three hours seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Making a baby cry himself to sleep in an effort to train him to comfort himself seems wrong and unnatural to me.

I don't know - to each their own I guess, but all that crap just doesn't feel right in my heart and in my gut, and I am thinking I am glad I didn't waste my time reading that book. There are just so many books out there saying 'do this' and don't do that' and for every book that says one thing is the 'right way', there are 3 that say the exact opposite.

And, ya know, I am such an anxious, type A, Capricorn person and I am always worried that how I am raising the kids and what I am doing is going to 'screw them up' that sometimes, SOMETIMES, I think maybe those people are right. Maybe they are right even though my heart tells me it's not so, and maybe I AM going to screw my kids up by loving them and coddling them and not making them wait when they cry and nursing them when they want to nurse, and so I worry.

But I know, I KNOW what I really need to do is just listen to my heart...

November 2009

For Kori :-)

Click here to view these pictures larger

Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

Back to work

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It is really making me sick to my stomach, and so sad.

I know it gets easier, but it is SOO hard at first, and right now, I REALLY don't want to do it. Today cannot go slow enough. The boys and I have been playing playing playing all morning, and right now, the younger is taking a little nap, and the elder is having a bit of lunch, and I am wishing the day would drag on forever and ever.

If shit wasn't all messed up at work it wouldn't be quite as bad. Last time I was on leave, that place was toxic when I left, but things had changed while I was out, and I returned to an altogether different place. BETTER different. This time, it was decent when I left, but is almost more toxic now than it was the last time. I really have no desire to go back to that. I am keeping my eyes open and looking for something else, but there just isn't much of anything around here in my line of work...

I have always said I didn't think that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but this time, I don't know. If we could afford it, I probably wouldn't go back to work. It just feels different this time. I know FOR SURE I could go for only working 3 or 4 days a week - that would be a perfect balance. I could still work outside the home, which I DO honestly enjoy doing, but also get ample time at home with the boys...

I have been holding baby C as much as I possibly could for the last week or so. I honestly don't care if it causes him to get used to being held and causes issues for my daycare lady; he will adjust. I have just needed to keep him as close to me as possible these last few days of our undivided time together. I have even been keeping him in bed with me when he wakes up for his 5 or 6 am feeding; nursing him laying down, both of us falling back to sleep together when he is done. I NEVER did this with Logan, but I can see the draw of co-sleeping - how wonderful to snuggle next to my little one. To hear the measure of his breathing and feel his breath on my chest. The smell of him while I sleep. To wake up to his rooting around and grunting and to see him smile when my face is the first thing he sees upon waking. *SIGH*

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to suck big ass. As will probably the next 2 weeks, until I can get back into the routine. At least Thanksgiving Holiday is coming up fast, and in only a couple of weeks I will get 4 straight days with them again.

Wish me luck.

The elder is done eating, so we are gonna play some puzzles before his nap, and then I am gonna snuggle the younger and hope the afternoon and evening drag on.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)