Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I hope you all have family and/or friends to spend tomorrow with, and lots and lots of delicious, fattening food to gorge yourselves on. I know that's my plan; I can't wait for W's uncles ham, his real cooked cranberries (no more jellied cranberries for this girl ;0) ), some pumpkin pie, a little green bean casserole (c'mon, you know you love it. And if you don't know what green bean casserole is, I'm sorry. Truly.)

I love Thanksgiving save for one thing; we have THREE places to go this year. THREE. Usually it's only two, but my brother and his wife decided that they should have Thanksgiving at HER PARENTS house this year and celebrate my niece's 2nd birthday at the same time. Sooo, we will be going over there to watch B open her presents at 11am, jet over to W's uncles at about noon or so to eat at 1pm, probably try to get home and sneak a little nap in for L, and then at 5pm we will be going to dinner at W's dad's wife's family's house (did ya get that? We don't call her his step mom because she is only 5 years older than W.) I am hoping maybe they have some different, yummy food tradition in their family since we have never been to their Thanksgiving dinner before and something different would be cool...

Oh, I almost forgot, tonite we are going to W's mom's house for dinner, and then L will be staying over night there so W and I can go out...it is a pretty big party night in our small town; a lot of people are back in town for the holiday and it is most always a fun night of meeting up with people we haven't seen in a long time.

Needless to say, by about 8pm tomorrow night, L's bedtime, I will be stuffed, bloated, frazzled from running all day, and ready to crash on the couch. I love it.

I hope everyone is feeling equally as bloated, tired, done with family and THANKFUL for all of it as I will be.

Congratulations are in order...

One more thing I have to say today...

Since I have been stuck on the re-curring theme of alcoholism in my life, I have come across it again today.

But today, it is in a good way.

I have had the wonderful luck of 'meeting' this amazing woman in the big blogger world, who celebrated 9 years sober as of yesterday. What an awesome achievement.

So, CONGRATULATIONS, Kori. I really do think you are an amazing woman, and it lifts my spirits to see you reach another year sober. I can only imagine that it is not always easy. I wish you a lifetime of sobriety milestones.

I also wish your entire family peace in your current struggle.

(((hugs)))

Fun facts

I am still feeling all out-of-sorts from finding out about my friend relapsing as well as a more recent development in my life (which I will blog about in the near future) and so my brain is really having a hard time wrapping itself around any type of meaningful blog-able fodder. I have been wanting to do one of these fun fact lists for awhile, so I guess now is as good a time as ever.

1) I am a cat person. I have two, and before L came along, they were my babies.

2) I played the violin for 8 years, still have my violin, and can still squeak off some pleasing notes and read music.

3) My dad's nickname for me growing up was Squirt.

4) I have one brother who is 18 mos older than me whom I love SO SO MUCH. We've been through a lot together, to say the least.

5) When we were growing up, we had a sort of hobby farm...at one time we had 18 outside cats, most of which got killed on the road, but we always had some running around...We also had at some point or another: 4 cows (they got shipped off and butchered and we ate them), chickens (don't know how many, just know it was multiple), whose eggs we collected and ate, bunny I, II, II and probably IV, 2 pigs, a lamb, Mikey, who thought he was a dog, who would scratch on the screen door thinking we would let him in the house like the dogs, a goat (who head-butted me in the ass one time) and dogs...There was Penny and Buffy when I was little, then Buffy had to be put down, then we got Katie, so it was Penny and Katie, then Penny had to go down so we got Amber and it was Amber and Katie when I moved out of my parents house. Both Amber and Katie have now since passed.

6) We also had gerbils for awhile, and they had babies, and I used to have nightmares that those nasty, hairless little babies got loose in the house and it FREAKED.ME.OUT and I wanted to drown the little nasty bastards. I sometimes still have nightmares about hairless rodents infesting my house.

7) I took Spanish for a few years in HS. I still know it fairly well.

8) Before I knew what pot REALLY looked like, we smoked these hollow reeds that we found up our backroad in the woods that we THOUGHT were pot (WTF?!! That was obviously before the whole D.A.R.E. campaign cuz they totally showed us what pot looked like, but by THEN we had figured out our error and already knew what it looked like). They were the harshest thing in the world, and I am sure we thought the headache we got from coughing so hard was from being high. We thought we were so cool. HA!

9) I smoked pot (the real stuff, not weird reeds I found in the woods!) pretty much daily from the time I was 15 until sometime in my early 20's. I still enjoy it on rare occasions, which is MUCH more enjoyable than smoking it every day!

10) I think that if anything should be illegal, it should be alcohol, not marijuana.

11) When I was probably 10 we started stealing my moms cigarette butts and smoking them. One time, my brother and I and a neighbor kid were smoking in the attic of my dad's garage, and my brother left matches on the insulation up there, and my dad found it and ROYALLY chewed our asses and grounded us. For awhile.

12) I have tried LOTS of drugs at least once, but have never done Heroin or PCP.

13) I love to read. That is something I really miss from before L; having the opportunity to just lay on the couch all day on a Sunday, from morning until night, reading. Not doing anything all day except reading.

14) I love Stephen King, and own the majority of his books, and will be sad when he dies and can no longer write books for me to read.

15) I love photography. I hope to continue to practice it as a hobby, with the dream of it being more someday. I think I have a knack for taking good pictures.

16) I have a big mouth, and sometimes I really hate it. Sometimes, things come out that I wish I hadn't said.

17) I have a need to be a part of everything; like at work, we are a small office, and sometimes I can't keep my nose out of whatever is going on, even if it has nothing to do with me. Or like the time in 3rd grade when we had a sub, and someone came into the classroom and asked the sub if so-and-so was there, and I blurted out "NO!" and so-and-so actually WAS there, and the teacher scolded me, and I was SO embarrased. I hate that memory.

18) I really really thought L was a girl the whole time I was pregnant with him. When the Dr. pulled him out and said "It's a boy!" I was shocked and said "It's a boy? Really?" after which I was immediately happy to have a healthy boy. Now, I am glad I had a boy first...there is just something special about mama's little boy!

19) I really want to have a girl next time. Since we think we will stop at 2, I really want to be able to experience raising both.

20) When I was pregnant with L, I was REALLY concerned that my drug use would come back to haunt me in the form of a deformed or disabled child. (NO NO NO, I did not use drugs while pregnant, I meant my high school / early 20's drug use!)

21) In some ways I am more like my mom than I like to admit or acknowledge(see #16 and #17).

22) I have a tendency to be OCD about things. My dishes have a black stripe along one side adn they all have to be lined up and facing the same direction in the cupboard. Clothing and towels must be folded a certain way. Clothing hung on hangers must face a certain direction. I count my steps a lot.

23) I need to be in charge of things. I have control issues. I like to have a plan, and when things don't go according to plan, I don't like it and it throws me out of whack. I hate that about myself.

24) On that same line, I am not good with change what.so.ever. Not even good change. I also hate this about myself.

25) My friend Lynda, whom I have been trying to blog about, was a total free spirit, lived completely in the now, went with the flow. I think that is why I was so attracted to her; she was completely and thouroughly, down to her core, what I could never truly be. I reveled in her free-ness, I basked in the sunlight that was her soul.

26) I *really* loved her. I loved her so deeply that it went beyond any bounds and is different than any love I have felt for any other woman in my life.

27) I miss her.

28) I used to have a re-curring nightmare about a bear chasing me up my driveway, and I would stab it in the shoulder with a nail (WTF?!).

29) I have only broken one bone in my life; my thumb during a softball tournament when I was like 20. I have only had 4 stitches in my life, when I was probably 12, in my knee. I have only had two surgeries; I had a tonsillectomy when I was 26, just before my wedding, and emergency laproscopic surgery when I was 27 to remove an ectopic pregnancy.

I will stop there...29 facts, one for all 29 years of my life. I only get to be 29 for about 7 more weeks, so that seems like a good number.

An Inside Job

As soon as I posted that last post, this song came on my yahoo station. I LOVE it, and it is definitely fitting right now.

R, it also made me think of you.


Pearl Jam

"Inside Job"

Underneath this smile Lies everything
All my hopes, anger, pride and shame

Make myself a pact, not to shut doors on the past
Just for today,... I am free

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

I know this one thing well,...

I used to try and kill love, it was the highest sin
Breathing insecurity out and in

Searching hope, I'm shown the way to run straight
Pursuing the greater way for all,.. human light.

How I choose to feel,... is how I am.
How I choose to feel,... is how I am.

I will not lose my faith
It's an inside job today

Holding on, the light of the night
On my knees to rise and fix my broken soul

Again.

Let me run into the rain
To be a human light again

Let me run into the rain
To shine a human light today

Life comes from within your heart and desire
Life comes from within my heart and desire
Life comes from within you heart and desire

To break the cycle

I hate alcoholism.

I can't say that I hate alcohol really, although I don't drink myself (save for an EXTREMELY rare Mike's Hard or a bit of wine), I do know that there are people who can have a few drinks and relax and go on with life.

Unfortunately, I have been surrounded in this life by those that CAN'T have just a few drinks and relax and go on with life. Maybe they started out that way, but they found something that easily filled voids that they desperately needed to fill. Something that, due to misfires in their brain or whacked out receptors or some chemical imbalance, they cannot enjoy in moderation, but continually and habitually take to the extreme.

My maternal grandmother's father was an acoholic.

My grandmother went on to marry an acoholic, my mom's dad. He was a MEAN MEAN alcoholic who kept his bottle next to his bed so he could take shots when he woke up at night. Who took a flask with him in the car to work and drank all day, every day. A man whose alcoholism brought out his demons which he unleashed on his family verbally and emotionally (and probably physically too).

My mom went on to marry a similar alcoholic. My dad has mellowed in his older age and his progressed disease, but he unleashed his fair share of demons on us throughout our lives. He never physically abused us (my brother and I), but I have at least a handful of vivid memories of him attacking my mom. I remember lots of nights spent on the stairs, sitting just at the edge of where the wall opened up, listening to them scream at each other, waiting to hear it turn physical, at which time I would run down and yell at him to leave her alone. I remember wetting the bed till I was like 10, and all the trips to the doctors and no one being able to say why it was happening. Simple answer; I was so tired by the time I returned to bed after my nightly vigil that I just couldn't get out of bed when I had to go...(I remember waking and thinking I need to go to the bathroom and picturing myself walking to the bathroom and going; I guess I just never made it out of bed.) I remember as we got a little older (and braver) screaming downstairs "SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE GOTTA GET UP FOR SCHOOL!!!" I remember them getting in screaming matches over something they disagreed about on the news?! I remember what I believed to be the last time my father got physical with mom (it was the last time he did it in front of us), and how my brother went off; broke a chair and screamed at them, and then locked himself in the bathroom. The physical seemed to stop after that, but the verbal continued.

(I later learned from my mom that that *wasn't* the last time, but that the physical stopped shortly after that when she finally fought back one night.)

My mom has her own issues with alcohol. She doesn't think she is an alcoholic because she doesn't drink ALL DAY, yet she drinks most EVERY day, and 'catches a buzz' most every day. She doesn't get as drunk as my dad, and she can abstain (like when she takes care of L) but the tendency is definitely there. Just because you are not falling down drunk every day does not mean there isn't a dependence there...

The two families that I grew up closest to had their own, somewhat similar somewhat different, issues with alcoholism. It just seemed normal to me that parents drank every night. And not just came home and had a drink or two, but got DRUNK, every night. Growing up around the bar like I did, it was just all around me. Alcohol was just an every day part of life. I didn't realize (sadly) until I was a teenager that there are A LOT of families that aren't like that.

My brother also has the tendencies. He is one who DEFINITELY cannot just have one or two; when he drinks, he gets PLOWED. He went through a phase in his twenties where he was drinking constantly. I hated him so much for that. It had always been him and I against the world, and we had hated what we grew up with SO MUCH, and how could he GO THERE? I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped letting him crash at our place, and I never stopped taking care of him (as much as it caused friction with W and I at times) but I really hated that person he was becoming. Thankfully, he has beautiful daughters and a wife and enough going on in life to keep him away from that life, but I have no doubts that the seed remains within him, and without care and vigilance, and presented with the right circumstances, he could easily wind up down that road.

I am no angel. I definitely have done my share of self medicating with substances, mine just happened to not be alcohol. It definitely ventured beyond experimentation at times, into the realm of addiction. Given the right (horrible) circumstances, I am sure it would not be impossible for me to fall into a life of addiction if I lost sight.

W's dad drank his fair share while W was growing up. There were other issues in his family that led him to also do some self medicating and experimenting with alcohol and other drugs, and he also drifted beyond the experimentation phase at times in his life. There was a time, after we had been together for about 6 years, before we got married, that I questioned if I wanted to be with him. He was drinking pretty heavily, on a daily basis, and although I loved him, and the thought of leaving seemed impossible, I KNEW that I did not want to marry my father. I had made myself a promise YEARS before, that I FULLY, without a doubt, intended to keep, and that was that I would NOT, no matter what, let my children grow up thinking that getting drunk every night was 'normal'. I would NOT continue the cycle. It was a hard time in my life. But, we talked, and I let it all out, and he made changes, and he grew, and I do not doubt that we were put together in this life to help each other.

When I was 20, a very close friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver who had a record of drunk driving offenses.

I have watched kids I grew up with take their experiences and react in different ways...some have taken the lessons, and like me, vowed to break the chain. Some have taken the lessons and set them aside and will inevitably continue to cycle.

Alcoholism never seems to back down...it is consistant in my life. It continues to knock on my door, no matter how many times I tell it is not welcome. It won't let me be. Now, it has returned in the form of my friend who has relapsed after so many years of being strong. It has and continues to cause me so much heartbreak. I hate it.

And yet, I know that its ever annoying presence serves a purpose. I AM intended to break the cycle. I DID choose this life, and these parents and these people who surround me and these challenges because I AM the catalyst for change.

And yet, knowing this does not make it any easier. I know I need to reach out to my friend who is struggling, and I know I will, but I just need some time to process this. Some time to work through the ANGER at the alcoholism that this current situation has re-ignited. And time to remember that I chose this because I *can* help make change, I *am* meant to break the cycle.

I've got nothing

I want to post, I really do. But I just don't seem to have anything to say this week.

OMG, mark it on your calendars.

Seriously. If I made that statement to my co-workers, or other people that know me in real life, they would have a jolly laugh on that one. ME, with nothing to say? Yeah right.

It must have something to do with Saturn in our Venus or something. Some astrology gu-ru could tell me, but it must be something in the air. The energy is all wrong. All of the bloggers that I read regularly, who generally always seem to have something to say seem to be slacking this week.

So this is just a silly little post, just so I can keep up with my approximate every other day posting streak.

I am looking at upgrading my camera to an slr. I have the opportunity to tag along with my friend D some more next summer, and am flattered that the racers that I shot with her this fall felt that my photos were good enough that they suggested that I could shoot a race, that she can't make it to, by myself next summer. There is already one opportunity looming to be a second shooter at a wedding with her, an oppotunity that would actually pay money if it goes through, and the possibility of more to come, IF I get me an slr. So I really want to, and I can kinda look at it as an investment, but as always when looking at spending a chunk of money, I am indecisive and part of me is really fighting it, knowing that probably the smartest thing to do would be to sit on my money for right now and see what happens with this economy and W's job. So I am struggling with that decision. I may wait till after the New Year and see how our taxes come out and how W's job fairs over winter, and I would still have time to get the camera and get familiar enough with it before the race. Stay tuned, decision yet to be made.

I have not come any closer to figuring out how to approach my alcoholic friend.

I am excited to be having dinner with a friend of mine this Friday evening whom I love dearly and don't see very often and we are going to have so much fun. She hasn't seen L in a long time, and she is going to be blown away with how much and how well he is talking.

So, I guess I didn't have exactly *nothing* to say, but it wasn't anything profound or very interesting. But at least it was something.

Blah

I am feeling totally blah today.

Somewhat melancholy.

I could really just go curl up in my bed and sleep away today. I don't want to be conscious today.

Could have something to do with the news I found out this weekend about an old friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholic who apparently relapsed like a year ago, unbeknown to ME, but known to a bunch of OTHER people who for some reason didn't care enough for her or me to think that maybe they should tell me? Or maybe they thought I would know (if they didn't know that we don't keep in touch like we used to), and didn't care enough about her to ask me if I had tried to help her?? The whole situation is heart wrenching, and I have no idea how to approach it, but feel like I need to at least try to reach out to her...I feel so bad that we have lost touch, and I hate that I didn't see it, and that I didn't know for so long. I hate thinking about her in the condition that I have been told she has been seen in around her small town and the nearby town; it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart to think about what could have happened to cause her to relapse after like 20+ years? I hate the whole thing and am trying to figure out how I am going to move forward from here.

Could have something to do with the fact that we haven't seen much sunshine in over a week.

Could be that I didn't hardly see L at all this weekend. I have been thinking about him a lot today; I want to just go get him and go home and snuggle with him on the couch and watch Dora or Diego with him.

I even went and bought my new vacuum on lunch break today (they were out of stock, so they will ship it to my work for free within about a week), and only spent half what I originally thought I would (yay!) and not even that little shopping spree made me feel any better.

I still want to write the remembrance post from last Thursday, but the news from this weekend has me not in the appropriate frame of mind to do the day justice, so stay tuned for that.

I hope everyone is having a better Monday than I am.