Sending you elsewhere to see something I like...

I hope you will take a second and stop over and check out BHJ's post today at Wind in Your Vagina...If you have never visited him, let me just say that BHJ is a great writer, with an amazing way of visualizing his world and painting it with beautiful words and metaphors, and I am at times insanely jealous of his talents and his ability to so perfectly describe his outlook on the world, which often echos mine, but is expressed more beautifully than I could ever hope to express it.

His post today is wonderful and perfect and powerful.

Tidbit

On my way to work, there is a billboard that is sponsored by some society for healthier people, and it has been advertising the benefits of and promoting eating fresh fruits and veggies.

The other morning as I drove by, I noticed it had been changed to read:

"Grapes: The original grape flavored snack"

Hell yeah. I laughed out loud.

On my mind

Just a couple of things that are / have been on my mind.

-My recent reminiscing of my early days with W got me wanting to go through my old photos. I have been meaning to weed out the duplicates and then someday put them in the empty albums I asked for and received a couple of Christmases ago. On Saturday, I sat on the living room floor and pulled out the big box of photos and started going through them. W sat down next to me while L played with his cars near us. It was GREAT. We reminisced together over memories of days gone by - the good and the bad. And even better than the together-remembering was the deep conversation that followed. We talked about our childhoods and how they affected us similarly and differently (not that we haven't done this before, but it is the first real deep conversation since we became parents, which changes and clarifies your perspective so greatly...) We talked about how I have been going through some really intense reflecting lately, and how I am having issues with my feelings toward my parents right now. We talked about raising L and this coming baby, and how and why we want and NEED and WILL do things differently. It was some intense reconnecting that we REALLY REALLY needed. It was lovely.

-Not too long ago W and I had a conversation about homosexuality. I can't remember what spurred it, and I don't remember the conversation in detail, but the part that makes me sad is that we came to a point where I started getting angry at him for his opinion, and we had to agree to disagree...he truly believes that homosexuality is a CHOICE, that it is a 'learned behavior' and I do not. As far as gay marriage goes, I don't think he could care less either way, but he was surprised and disappointed that I totally believe that TRUE homosexuality is not a choice. It makes me sad that we disagree on that at such a fundamental level.

-W's mom asked us to go out to eat with them on Saturday at a place called Treasure Island. On Saturday morning, as I was getting L dressed, I told him that we were going to meet G-ma and R at Treasure Island and have lunch, and did that sound like fun? His eyes got all wide, he started nodding his head yes, and he said "We gon be PIRATES! We need a boat, too Mama!!!" at first, I was wondering what the heck he was talking about when it dawned on me that Dora the Explorer (L's favorite cartoon character) and her friends dress up as pirates and go sailing off to Treasure Island to look for buried treasure!! I laughed so hard! We had a blast on the way there pretending that the car was a boat, and that the river we crossed was Crocodile Lake; another obstacle that Dora and her friends must cross before they can get to Treasure Island. He woke this morning immediately talking about G-ma and R and pirates and treasure...Ahhh, he's growing up too fast.

-I have almost 15 weeks to go yet in this pregnancy, and it feels like a LONG time, and I am SO SORE. All the time. My hips and back and pelvic region seem to be feeling it much worse this time. Probably doesn't help that I am at the weight already at 25 weeks that I was at at 31 weeks last time. It's a lot of extra weight for my body to carry around...Yeah; I gained THIRTEEN, yes that's 13 pounds in the last 5 weeks (Go ahead and laugh, Kori, it's okay, my doctor did!)...I am not even sure how that is humanly possible, but obviously, for this human, it is. I thought I was doing kind of okay, I figured I would have another 8# month like last month, but it was even worse. I have promised myself and my doctor to buckle down a bit and hopefully slow the weight gain. So yeah, it feels like a LONG time to go. I know it will go by fast, but I am gonna be one crabby mama bear by the time this baby pops out! I am just going to keep walking as much as I can, at least 4 times a week, and keep stretching and hopefully I won't get too much more sore than I am now.

-Here's some more true as hell pregnancy information that, were you never pregnant yourself, you would probably never know. Having a little person kicking you LITERALLY in the anus from the inside is the WEIRDEST.FEELING.EVER. Or maybe she is kicking something like my intestine that's connected to my anus, but my anus is where I 'feel' it. Either way, it is not really all that pleasant. Sorry, but it's been happening, and it's on my mind.

Destiny

I have been thinking back a lot in the last few days to mine and W's early relationship; how we came together, where we have been, what we have come THROUGH together, what our love looked like back then. It has been good for my soul to pull these memories up and revel in their sweetness; not that it has been, by any means, ALL sweetness, but those are the memories I have been thinking about. With all the difficult memories I have been dredging up lately, remembering our years of love has felt good, and helped to balance me out.

I heard a song this morning that I guess I haven't listened to in quite some time and it instantly transported me back to an important incident in our journey that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

We had to have been 22 or 23 when my forever friend R and I took a spur of the moment weekend trip to Tampa, Florida. She was going through a hard time, and needed to get away. She called me on Tuesday and said "Let's go to Florida" and told me the flight details and cost, and said we leave on Thursday.

Now; I had NEVER flown anywhere. I had NEVER seen the ocean. I had NEVER done anything like this. I was 22. I had the money. I was a young professional. I was an ADULT, and I could DO something like this; just take off for the weekend. It didn't take me long to make the decision that Hell yeah, I needed to jet to Florida for the weekend.

W and I were living together at the time, and when I got home that night, I told him our plans.

He was NOT happy. At that time, he was still having some jealousy issues, and was still somewhat insecure in our relationship. I know that the reason for this is because he believed (and somewhat STILL does believe) that I was too good for him, and wondered why the hell *I* was with *him*. He has told me this. Several times.

We had a pretty good argument about it. I could understand some of his fears, but I honestly didn't much care. It was actually a really good thing in that it basically gave me the opportunity to express to him that he needed to get over the jealousy thing, and to realize that if I didn't want to be there, I wouldn't. And that I wasn't going to live the rest of my life in a relationship with someone who can't trust me because of his own insecurities. I had NEVER given him any reason to doubt me or to not trust me. And that I was GOING TO FLORIDA dammit, whether he liked it or not.

I left for Florida with a somewhat heavy heart. Before I left, he was still very cold toward me; obviously still hurt or angry or whatever that I was actually going through with it. The couple of times I talked to him over the weekend, he was quiet and didn't say much, and what he did say was snotty. Which on one hand made me angry, but I also missed him and knew he was missing me. It was the first time we had spent the night apart (let alone a FEW nights apart) in at least 3 years.

Although I was missing him, I had a BLAST!! It was my first adventure. And it was great fun. The ocean was amazing (people have corrected me saying "It's the Gulf, not the ocean", but I fail to see or acknowledge the difference. For me, it was my first trip to THE OCEAN.). So much more powerful and huge and awe inspiring than I had ever imagined it (think how blown away I was when I stepped into the 10 times sweeter Caribbean Ocean on our honeymoon to Jamaica!!). We swam in the ocean, even though it was the end of October and not all that warm. But to us, it was heaven, coming from the chilly fall weather we were escaping. We went to some night clubs. We went to Busch Gardens.

On the flight home, despite all of the fun I had, and the anger I had felt toward W for his childish behavior, I was still very anxious to get home to him. And then this song came up on my CD player, and although it was a song I had listened to a LOT, it was the first time I really HEARD it, and it was SO PERFECT. I remember the sky outside the plane window was dotted with clouds beneath us, and I remember the intensity of the sun way up there, and the lyrics were so spot on and it made me so happy. And I remembered how much I loved and appreciated that man, despite the jealousy issue. And it reminded me of how much light he had brought into my life. And I put that song on repeat and listened to it until we touched down at home, and I was soon to be back with him, and I was nearly me again.

And as cliche as it seems, I still believe he was and is my Destiny.

What our love looks like...

The manifestation of our love...



He makes my heart swell so I can hardly breathe, and my eyes fill with tears.

All the pregnancy stuff is SO SO worth it.

Names, a belly pic, and the untamed jungle (warning - read the last part at your own risk)

Everything going around my brain lately seems so heavy. And difficult. And depressing. And serious. I thought maybe I would go for something a little less all of those today.

Although the task of naming a baby is actually VERY serious. Most of my 5 readers (lol, or so) have had the task of doing this, and so they know. It is serious business, and is NOT EASY, if you ask me.

The whole 'do you have names picked yet?' has been coming up more lately. As it always does. And it really NEEDS to come up; between us, at least.

With L, we went into the delivery room with about 4 names for a girl that we both really liked, but we didn't have as much luck with agreeing on boy names. Since I TOTALLY thought L was going to be a girl, I wasn't so worried about it.

Lo and behold, L was NOT a girl, and he didn't have a name for about 5 hours, at which point I told my dear W that I was sick of calling the baby 'Baby' and that we better figure out what we were going to name him. He had really gotten to like 'L' about halfway through the pregnancy, but I was not so convinced. But when we decided it was between that and one of the names that *I* liked the best, I could not deny that W's choice fit our son much better than mine. And so I let my husband have the final say on his first son's name. The nice wifey that I am, I even let him give him 2 middle names, to honor his father and his uncle, even though I am not big on the whole 2 middle names thing.

This time, we are once again having really no problems with girl names. In fact, right now, we have TOO MANY that I like!! I will undoubtedly get more of the final say should this be our girl, and W and I have already agreed that the baby's middle name can be Lynn, after my good friend Lynda who was killed by a drunk driver 10 years ago at the beautiful age of 21.

So far, we have Amelia Lynn and Nora(h) Lynn in the top slots for girls, both of which W came up with. After that, we also like Cecelia Lynn and Ada(h) Lynn (or possibly spelled Ayda Lynn, which was at the top of our list should L have been a girl). Since I really like the name Maleah (which W has already put the kabosh to), I like the Amelia and Cecelia choices as I could call her Lia for short.

Since I really think this is going to be our girl, we will hopefully be okay, but I really feel for this baby should he come out a he...I have poured and poured over the endless lists of boys names on line, and the only ones that sound good to me at all are mostly names that W nixed last time...Caleb, Elliott, Elijah. I also threw Connor out there a few weeks ago, but was given the 'Are you fucking kidding me?' look by W, so I pretty much know his feelings on that one. I still like Isaac, which was my choice last time, and we both liked it then, so it is about the only one we have come to agree on. I have more recently thought that both Liam and Ro(h)an are okay, but have yet to run either of them by W. I am pretty sure he won't like Liam, but maybe I will be wrong.

**SIGH**

What do you think, my dear readers? What names do YOU like??

Good thing we have a few months left. I'm just hoping my intuition is right this time and we won't even have to try to figure the whole boy name thing out ;0)


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Okay, so although I feel like an Oompa Loompa (already), Kori tells me I look cute (or some other equally sweet word), so I decided to give you a peek of my pregnant self.

This was taken a couple of weeks ago already...I think I was like 22 weeks or something...The belly feels and appears larger from MY perspective than it does in the photo. And yes, I am aware that it is going to get MUCH LARGER before this is all over :0)



Hmmm....I need a haircut, no??? My layers are JACKED from going to Great Clips, and my lovely friend who cuts hair (at a fancy pants upscale salon, even) has offered to fix them up for me. I really need to call her and get that taken care of...Thinkin' I'm really going to try for this weekend - that hair is BAD!

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(Okay, so here's your fair warning to just stop now...don't say I didn't warn you...I tend not to blog about stuff like this, but I'm trying to keep it real in regard to the joys of pregnancy for my 'as-of-yet-not-and-may-never-be-in-the-parental-way' reader, and because it's on my mind, AND it's my blog :0) )

Speaking of bad hair, I realized the other day, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while climbing out of the shower (something I really try to avoid doing these days!!) that I forgot to take care of some crucial grooming one last time before the belly got to the point that I can no longer see the area of said needed grooming...It is beginning to resemble the untamed jungle down there, and it seems to be migrating quickly above the bikini line...Because I CAN'T really see past the belly well enough to take care of it myself without risking damage to my delicate girl parts, I thought maybe my dear W would be willing to lend me a helping hand...HA! Damn men. He looked like a deer in headlights when I mentioned it last night. Even when I told him I would do it for him, he wasn't convinced...

I guess I can't blame him too much...I am sure he is having flashbacks of our son ripping his way out from 'down there' as he burst into our world, and the flood that followed. It still seems to haunt him...poor wussy...*I* have gotten over it, and *I* was the one being torn wide open...

Guess he will just have to live with the consequences of not being willing to help a girl out with a little maintenance...

She spoke my heart and soul so well - I can't help but send you here...

My friend Marissa over at It's Worth Recording took my breath away today with her post about spirituality, and I cannot help but direct you there. She so adequately spoke exactly how I feel.

She is so RIGHT, and I am so grateful to have found someone who can relate to my feelings so well. Our lives may be VERY different on the surface, but our spiritual paths are definitely running parallel.

So check it out. Or don't. But I sure hope you do, because I think it is such an important message.

Thanks Marissa.