Damn

Damn.

Aunt Flo arrived.

I was really hopeful this month.

I know, I said I wasn't getting wrapped up in trying to conceive, and I wasn't going to get dissapointed, but I can't lie. I am a bit dissapointed. And sad.

But, I guess I can look at it from the view that it will mean one more month that I get to spend with JUST L. He doesn't have to give up the title of cutest baby ever yet.

But still.

Oh, and have you ever tried using a full size maxi, with wings, when you are wearing a thong? Yeah, doesn't work real well. (Time to restock the work stash of tampons...)

At least it is almost time to go home. I can use it as an excuse to throw on some granny panties, some sweats, make some high carb supper and have M&M's with L for dessert...


Note: Pretty sure I don't have any male readers, but if I do, sorry for the TMI...

A letter of thanks...

T-

Becoming a mother has caused me to reflect on my life and the experiences, choices and people that have influenced me. Lately, I have been thinking about your family and what you did for me and what it has meant in my life.

I do not know the extent of your knowledge, but I am sure that you figured out that life at the (family) home was difficult, and at times, volatile. I sometimes joke with people that I was ‘raised in a bar’. The sad part is, that is pretty much how I remember it, and how it felt, at least from my child’s perspective. Many of my memories of childhood involve the bar, hanging out in the booths, or the video store or running around (the town). When I look at L and I think about that it saddens me deeply.

Looking back at it from my adult perspective, I can only assume that your family was also saddened by the situation, and that it was a driving force behind offering me a ‘job’ of buttering buns and helping out around the place, at my young age of 10. I was there so often anyway, might as well earn a little money and have something to do.

I am so thankful that you did. Your entire family; you, (brother), (mom and dad), (Grandma and Grandpa),(sister), (oh and 'resident old bartender' too!) have had a positive impact on my life and have helped shape who I am today, and you ALL mean SO MUCH to me. I remember I looked up to you, T, SO much! And what did you do? You worked your butt off at that place. My work ethic has DEFINITELY been impacted by you and what you taught me! The whole 20 year experience and the larger (business)’s ‘family’ continue to be important in my life and to my family.

I have come to terms with my childhood; with my parents own personal struggles and the choices they made. Although they made some bad decisions, they really are good people and loving parents. Were it not for the situation, I would not have the opportunity to write this letter of thanks. All of those experiences have left me with a clearer vision of who *I* want to be, and the things that I do and do NOT want my OWN child(ren) to experience and learn growing up. I can only hope they are blessed to have some family friends as important to them as you have been to me.

So Thank You, for everything you and your family have done for and given to me. Please feel free to share the sentiment with your (mom and dad) and (brother). I just felt driven to let you all know that you will always hold a special place in my heart.



I will be going today to find the appropriate blank card for this sentiment this weekend, and will be handwriting and sending it out. As it stated, I have been thinking about this family lately, and feel it is important for me to follow through with it. Maybe it is just what one of them needs to hear right now or something. Maybe it is in the spirit of the approaching Thanksgiving Holiday. Maybe it is something that will have a future impact upon my life. I don't know. All I know is that it came to me this morning, and I know if I don't send it, I will regret it forever.

I may have the worst immune system of anyone I know...

It could have been something I ate yesterday, I spose. Hmmmm, I had Eggs with toast for breakfast...the butter and eggs were fresh. I had a few bites of my mom's left over hot dish for lunch; it was from Thursday night, and we had eaten some on Friday and no one got sick, so shouldn't be that...For supper I made a beef roast. That should have been okay. Looked fine when I was putting it in the pan. And then there was the apple crisp that I made last night.

So, either some of that food was the culprit, or I am coming down with the flu. I have felt nauseous all morning, and as the day goes I am starting to feel worse.

Whatever it is, I don't like it. I am going to take the afternoon off and go home and sleep for a bit before I go pick up L.

I could possibly have the worst immune system of anyone I know. Or maybe I am just a wimp. Could be that, too. I hate being sick. As soon as I feel it coming on I get pissed off. That probably doesn't help with the whole 'mind over matter' trick.

Hopefully it is just a 24 hour thing.

Okay, done whining. For now.

Why must they - Part 2

I hate it when people have their fax machine set to automatically send the SAME FAX multiple times, and you go over to the fax machine and it has needlessly printed off 3 copies of the same stupid 5 page fax! SERIOUSLY people. Remember those 3 R's we talked about? Yeah.

So, that little incident got me thinking about another one of my pet peeves which is when people leave the water running full blast while they brush their teeth. My lovely husband does this all the time, and it drives.me.nuts. I will be standing there getting ready and he will come in to brush his teeth and leave that water just runnin' away, and I reach over and turn it off. I can't help myself. It's just unnecessary, and so easily NOT done.

One day he said "That really drives you crazy, doesn't it?"

"Yes honey, it does"

Well guess what, internet? The other day we were standing there getting ready and he actually turned the faucet off! I couldn't believe it. Maybe I will get through to him yet :0)

I don't need to turn him into a total tree hugger, just get him to do the simple things that, if we ALL do them, will add up to alot of eco-friendly benefit. Hell, *I'M* not even a total tree hugger...Take global warming; I definitely think we contribute to global warming, but do not for one second believe that we are the SOLE CAUSE of the current climate change. We are such a blip on the life span of the Earth. The Earth has gone through many extreme times of climate change in the past that had nothing to do with man.

I do, however, ABSOLUTELY believe that we have an obligation to impact our Earth as little as possible, and it just irritates me when people are too lazy to do even the simplist actions that WILL have a positive impact.

I of course, am not claiming to be perfect. I don't expect perfection. I only ask for effort.


Okay, done ranting.

It was a great feeling to have manifested that change of behavior in my husband.

Sweet release

So, despite my promise to myself that I wasn't going to get wrapped up in the whole 'trying' to conceive this time around, I have been unable to completely not pay attention to my cycle. Last month I did really well, the only thing I paid attention to was how long my cycle was. This month, I paid a little bit more attention, and actually went on to figure out approximately when I would ovulate, which happens to be sometime this week (I actually think it was yesterday). So, I made more of an effort to make sure we have been doing the necessary deed a little bit more this week :) I have found myself getting excited and thinking about being pregnant, and checking what my expected due date would be should I get pregnant this month.


(Which would be mid July, right around W's birthday, which feels right to me...then we would have one Capricorn like me and one Cancer like W...although I had always thought a daughter would be the Cap and a son the Cancer ;0) )



Even though I have found myself unintentionally paying more attention, it has NONE of the desperation that accompanied the efforts last time, which is SUCH a relief. I know it is because we have L, and at least we know it DOES work, unlike last time when we suffered multiple losses and were getting scared that maybe it wasn't ever going to work 'right'. So, it feels good! It feels good to have the attitude of "Whatever; when it happens, it happens".


I have been feeling at odds with myself over the whole getting pregnant again thing though. With my inclination to be a control freak and to get anxious over financial issues (whether it is justified or not) part of me has been worried about the future (due to the current economical situation) and questioning the timing. As much as I know that it will happen when it is sposed to, and that it will never seem like the 'perfect' time and that no matter what, it *WILL* work out, I have trouble just letting go.



(It is something I have always struggled with. I am a control freak. I like plans and schedules and order and no surprises. Maybe that partially explains my attraction to pot; it has allowed me to 'let go' and relax, without at the same time loosing control...)



But today, as I was driving back from a jobsite, I had this feeling of peace come over me, as I thought about the possibility that at this VERY MOMENT, sperm and egg could be joining and starting the process of creating what will be a baby; OUR baby. Another human being that is part W and part me...Another light in our life. I felt calm and happy and at peace with whatever tomorrow may bring.



Amidst all of the anxiety I have been fighting back, really for the last year plus (which has only gotten more intense will all the recent crap, which could make the next year even more anxiety inducing than last year) it was a much needed feeling of sweet release.

From the mouth of the babe...Part 2

Me: "Give mama a kiss"

The boy: "NO!"

Me: "Awwww, c'mon, that makes mama sad" Cue sad face

The boy: "Don't want to!" Cue lil' shister smile

You don't want to?! When did you learn that?! Can you even understand that yet?

Guess so. *Sigh*

Of course, I get my kiss. He is just having fun with his discovery of 'teasing'...

His other newest phrase is 'up high', and everything that is slightly out of reach is now 'up high'. LOL...

Something I have never done...

The buttons have been sitting on the dryer by the door for a few weeks. There are 3 of them. Every day as I walked by them I have contemplated doing it...pinning one onto my purse strap. It would be fairly safe; it's not like I was putting a bumper sticker on my car; most people probably wouldn't even notice it. It would be like speaking at normal volume in a noisy room; someone right next to me might hear, but then again, they might not. And the majority of the people would never even notice what I was saying. But I have always stopped short because I am so fucking indecisive. One day I feel I am SURE that there is no way I am going to vote for McCain, but then the next day I start thinking *ideologically* again, and then I start the whole weighing the pros and cons thing all over again...

I start stacking the chips, and keep finding that every time I do it, I come back around to the fact that although I don't agree with Obama on everything, I agree with him on more issues than not. Not to mention the fact that my biggest turn off, which happens to be his lean toward bigger gvmnt and socialism, is becoming more and more of a non-issue...In the past, the Republican party has always claimed to stand for smaller, less intrusive government. I believed them. The ideology seemed to make sense...personal responsibility, reward for hard work, less gvmnt intervention in our day to day lives, fewer laws, the idea that the free market works such that if the people at the top are making money, and the people down the chain work for it, that they will get their share and be treated well, protection of our personal rights and freedoms, etc. But the current state of the economy, among other things, seems to have opened my eyes to some things...I am becoming convinced that although the ideology may make sense, the incorporation of it has failed, and it's all a bunch of crap...

Trickle down economics? Those down the chain will benefit from the success of those at the top?! BAH! Yeah right...the greed and lack of morality and ethics seems to be choking off the downward flow of said 'success'.

Personal responsibility? Morality? Ethics? Good for the Geese, but not for the Gander, I guess...Greed along the spectrum has landed our economy in dire straights. EVERYONE is paying for the actions of some...It's a 'necessary evil' to bail out the big financial institutions and Wall street types (rather than let them fall prey to their shady, unethical business practices and greed) because if we don't, it will hurt ALL of us worse in the long run...although it may be true, it pisses me off to no end...and yet, it seems that the majority of the Republicans are not in favor of at the same time trying to help out the homeowners who are facing a similar situation of their own...they may also be guilty of extending themselves beyond their means, but I still would rather help them out than help those who made GOBS AND GOBS of money off of the rest of us...I also know that the Democrats are not innocent in all of this, and were the ones who pushed these institutions to extend credit to more people...I also think that the push for de-regulation is not working, as obviously a lot of these entities cannot be trusted to 'do the right thing' when left to their own devices. This is getting jumbled and off topic; basically, although the *ideology* is reasonable to me, I feel that the current direction is not working...

Protection of our personal rights and freedoms? Sure, unless it has to do with a woman's right to choice when it comes to HER reproductive life, or if the government wants to tap your phone calls in the name of 'national security', or if you would like to have civil liberty rights with your partner who happens to be the same sex as you...

(disclaimer; I am not pro-abortion, I am pro CHOICE...Abortion, to me, is horrible in most cases, but should NOT be the realm of the government)

The war in Iraq? What ever happened to the plan of going in, removing Saddam, stabilizing their gvmnt and training them and then MAKING THEM TAKE OVER at some point? If we do not set a time table to turn responsibility over to them, they aren't EVER going to take over the lead role on their own. Much easier for us to spend OUR money. Not that it has to be a publicly announced time line, but there HAS to be some sort of plan to get our troops out of there.

Not to mention, what ever happened to OBL, the ORIGINAL target?

Not to mention, I don't like the growing disdain for the USA that this administration has seemed to create...The more and more I read about the global view of the USA and what we stand for and believe in, the more I am convinced it is time for a different approach.

Not to mention the level of involvement of the religious right in the Republican party is starting to freak me out.

Not to mention that Sarah Palin is beginning to annoy me, BIG TIME, with her "I'm just like you soccer mom" spiel...I know that's a damned if you do damned if you don't type situation for them, but she bugs me.

I still don't like the idea of wealth redistribution, and have no idea what the answer to the big tax question is, how to make it fair and how much is too much, etc etc.

So, I could really go on, but you get the point, Internet. I don't know the RIGHT answer, and it may still be the lesser of two evils, but I can't see continuing on the same type of path we have been on.

Maybe it's because having a child has changed ME and my view on the world at large and what our responsibilities should be to society as a whole...

So, I did it this morning. I stuck one of those Vote Obama 2008 pins on the strap of my purse. I am trying to be decisive. I am (quietly, tentatively) putting my political opinion out there to the public, which is something I have never done.