Why must they? Part 2 (I think)...or because it's my blog and I can...

I am going to be shallow and rude for a moment, but I need to go off for a minute, and besides, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I really try to not take advantage of the "Mommy to be / Families with small children" parking spaces unless I really have to, or until I get to the end of my pregnancy and really appreciate not having to walk a mile into the store. I DO use them more often if I have L with me than if I am alone.

Yesterday was just one of those days though...I had walked around a LOT at a very large campus of one of our clients, in REALLY bad shoes (I need new work dress shoes badly, but it just can't be a priority right now), and I just wanted to get in, get my bra and get out. (The bra, BTW, was another thing in dire need of replacement...and while the shoes can be tolerated and be made to suffice for a little while longer, my girls were letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the bra could not!)

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Okay, I had the rest of the story typed out (which was just a big long rant), but when I got finished and re-read it, I just could not publish it. Written out, it came off as even more rude and shallow than I believe I am, and it's more raging pregnancy hormones than anything, and after the last post that got you all thinking I am a whack job, I couldn't let you think that I am a super rude, super shallow whack job...

Let's just say that I got EXTREMELY irritated by not one, but TWO, lazy, selfish asshole people who pulled into the 'Mommy to be / families with small children' spots that I was was pulling up to...Neither of them pregnant, nor with small children in tow. One was just a lazy lone lady who appeared perfectly capable of walking from a normal spot, and the other one was fat and with a bouncy 10 year old in tow...hardly qualifying as a 'small child'.

Oh, and I *may* have made an under my breath remark, which maybe wasn't so under my breath, and possibly was heard by someone, and I may have felt kinda bad...but not totally bad, because it *was* true...

(Okay, so you still got a glimpse of my rudeness in the short version, but hey, like I said, it IS my blog...if I can't do it here, where do I dump these feelings???)

And no, it did not kill me to walk a little further, but c'mon people, SERIOUSLY?

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Movement...

She is moving...I just ate a ham sandwich with spicy habanero mustard and she must have liked it cuz I was working away and she started kicking and rolling and then I was crying and remembering that THIS is what's important in life...Her, rolling and kicking, and me, taking the time to pay attention to her and burn these memories into my mind and file them away.

No matter the bills, or W being unemployed, or the scary economy or the bony fingers of the anxiety trying to wrap themselves around my throat or all of the above, THIS baby, and L, and W, and our love, THAT is what REALLY matters. THAT is what will pull us through the scary times ahead still intact.

I have been feeling her (who, if I may remind you, may not even be a her, but she will be until or if she comes out a he) move a little bit every day now for about 2 weeks. It is so reassuring and fun and just CRAZY; to have a HUMAN BEING rolling around and kicking you from the inside. Absolutely one of the wildest, most amazing things ever. I love it. And it is a bit sad to think this may be the last time I feel this miracle ever. But for now, it's good.

Fooling myself...

I had this naive notion that I could protect my children from my parents' alcoholism. That due to the fact that *I* was determined to show them with my own actions and life choices that drinking like my parents do is not normal or healthy or the way that all, or even a majority of people, live their lives, that they would be safe from the hurt and pain inflicted upon me by my parents alcoholism. That my parents could be a part of my children's lives and somehow I would use their sickness as a way for my children to learn from a distance...my children would not have to live through what I did in order to learn the lessons; I could teach them by viewing it from afar.

I had this plan that I would simply tell my children that Nana and Papa (him, especially) have a disease, a sickness they couldn't control, and that drinking like that was not a healthy or happy way to live. And that somehow, some way, those words would make them understand and would protect them.

HA...yeah...good plan.

Last night I was telling L that I was going to call Papa B and Gramma C (W's father and his wife) and see if he could stay with them on Saturday night while mama worked. He immediately started whining that he didn't want to go there, he wants to "Go Nana's house...and Papa be der too!" (my parents).

In that instant, at TWO years old, L blew my plan wide open and exposed it for the weak little wanna be protection from the storm that it was trying to be.

"No, you can't go to Nana and Papa's, we're going to see if you can go to Papa B's and Gramma C's house"

"Noooo - wanna see Nana an Papa, and Jack be der too!"

How could I have thought there would be no pain in it for him? How could I have thought that saying the words "No you can't_____with Papa because Papa is sick" would magically make him understand my reasoning and squelch his desires to spend time fishing or hunting or hanging out with his Papa that he loves?

Last night, I was able to brush it under the rug and just move on. I just stopped the conversation, and when Saturday comes and we drop L off at his other Papa and Gramma's house, he will be happy and he will forget that he wanted to be at Nana and Papa's instead. But what happens when he is 4 or 5 or 8 and he won't take no for an answer? When he wants to know why he can NEVER do x,y or z with Papa K? When he wants to know why he always stays at Papa B and Gramma C's, but never with Nana and Papa? What then? Could I seriously have thought that saying those weak little words "Papa is sick" would somehow leave him understanding what my 30+ years of life, and being bombarded by and living through all the ugly faces of alcoholism has taught me? How will there not be pain for him when he wonders why Papa can't just love him enough to NOT drink? Did I think he would not wonder that same thing that I myself have wondered a million times over?

I truly believe that I am here in this life and that I chose these parents because *I* will be the one who breaks the chain, the one who chooses the other path. But how could I have thought that there would be no pain for my children? There is no escaping the pain when you are on the path of leaving your family's legacy of alcoholism behind...and regardless of the shortsightedness of my previous thinking that the pain would end with me; that *I* was the end of that legacy, it is obvious that my children are REALLY going to have to be the end. Hopefully my choices, which were shaped through my own pain, along with my children's choices learned through their own different, but equal pain, can allow my grandchildren to be the ones who won't have to learn the lessons through pain. They hopefully can learn to live healthy, productive lives simply because that is the ONLY thing that they know and see in their immediate family.

And although that thought brings me hope and joy, it does not ease the sorrow I feel for my own children. It does not answer the question of 'what's my plan NOW?' How am I going to help ease their pain? I'm tired. Tired of the alcoholism. Tired of thinking about it and seeing it and figuring out how to live through it. Tired of feeling guilty and disappointed and embarrassed and sad and mad because of it. I would so much like to brush it under the rug, but I keep tripping on the bump it creates. I cannot even look at my father these days, which makes me feel so sad and guilty and angry. I see in his eyes that he knows; he knows that I can hardly stand to look at him, and he knows why, and it hurts him SO BAD...I can see all that in his eyes, and it makes me SO FUCKING angry at him for knowing it and allowing me to feel so guilty because I cannot muster the strength to say it all out loud.

I only wanted to spare my children this pain...this unfair, unrelenting pain caused by the actions of our loved ones which we have no control over. This realization of my flawed plan has dampened my heart...

From the mouth of the babe...part whatever; I lost count

I have been really bad at writing all these cute little speech momentos down lately. I have been really bad at keeping track of ANY little momentos aside from filing them in my memory lately to be honest. L HAS a baby book intended to house these moments, keeping them intact and safe from the fuzziness of memory which happens over time, and I know that someday I am going to regret not making the time to keep score better.

So, lest I forget them, I wanted to write down a couple of my most favorite current developments with L.

Not to long ago, everything became 'for a minute'..."Play ball me, foraminute?" "Brush teef, foraminute" "Nuggle me mama, foraminute? (with his sippy in one hand and the other hand in his hair and his sweet little blue eyes (my eyes) pleading with me to just take a second, mama) " with his voice raising just a titch at the end so that every time he says the word it ends in a question, whether it is a question or not...

His other new phrase is 'can we ____ now'..."Cawee eat now, mama?" "Cawee watch Dora now, mama?" The other day we were at my Auntie Rose's wake, surrounded by a bunch of people that L doesn't know, waiting in line to pay our respects, he in my arms holding on for dear life, and he grabs my face in his two little hands and turns my head so that he is looking directly into my eyes and says "Cawee go home now, mama, please?" while shaking his head yes...

**SIGH**

W said last night that he doesn't want him to learn to talk properly, can't we just freeze him right here for awhile?

Yeah, don't we wish...

A true struggle and REAL worry...

My friend Kori over at See Kori Rant reminded me today that although we may be struggling in some ways, we have SO SO MUCH to be thankful for, and that things could be SO much worse in such bigger ways. There are much much more trying things that can happen in life, and I should be thankful for so much. Which I am.

She has some friends who are going through probably the most difficult thing I can imagine in life; watching your baby (or child) go through a major illness. I can't say much about it right now, it has really dampened my heart. I cannot bear to imagine seeing my L or this growing life inside of me in that position, and I pray that I never have to experience it.

I am not usually one to ask people to give to people they don't know, and I know we are all struggling, but on the odd chance that this story touches one of you and inspires you to help in whatever way you can, I ask that you stop over here and just take a look.

Just Breathe

W got laid off yesterday.

"You might as well go sign up for unemployment" they said "we don't have anything for you."

We knew it was coming. I guess we really were living in denial, just hoping that maybe, oh maybe it wouldn't come. But really? We were just kidding ourselves.

Believe it or not, I am actually *not* freaking out. Yet anyway. I was actually somewhat giddy last night? Laughing a lot. On the surface it probably sounded like genuine laughter...but I suspect if you listened closely, underneath you would hear the laughter of someone teetering on the edge...one of those laughs that starts out great but winds itself up into a jittery, desperate cackling laugh...

I am not freaking out because for the moment, we will be okay. We can survive with my income and W's measly unemployment disbursement for awhile. We have a little money in the bank (and I do mean *little*, but a little is a little better than *none*, right?) and this will really give me a chance to see how serious and dedicated I/we are to our new path to financial peace. If we live below our means, we can make it for awhile. (Why the hell weren't we living below our means when it would have meant we could save for a time like this? THAT is the ultimate question, and is exactly what our path to financial peace is all about...I think I am ready for my heart change, Dave Ramsey.)

I am REALLY hoping that my calculations were wrong, and that we will eek out some kind of tax return this year to help us out in the interim also, but I am not going to count on it. We don't usually get much, compared to a lot of people I know, but we usually get a grand or so, which would be great right now. But it seems that W's work had him down for 2 exemptions for state and fed this year, instead of the 0 or 1 we thought he was claiming, so not looking so good. Ah well, better that we keep our money throughout the year and not let the gvmnt use it all year I guess.

I think the reason I am not freaking out yet is because I am not thinking beyond that. I am not thinking about the prospect that the residential housing market could be in the dumps for a lot longer than just a little bit...not thinking about the fact that this layoff may not last for just a few months...not thinking about what might happen should my husband, who possesses only a high school education, and who has only ever worked in the manufacturing or construction trades, have to look for a different job when every line of work he has ever done is struggling just as much as the construction industry.

W is going to check out a few leads today. Thankfully, he does have a few things to check on and hopefully something will come through.

So for now, I am just going to breathe. What else can I do?