Oh he is SO our child...and the next battle.

My newest niece was baptized on Saturday after 5 o'clock mass, and we could have just went to the baptism and skipped mass, but like a good auntie and uncle, we loaded L up and headed to mass with the rest of the family. We still feel inclined to put on the show I guess...W more so than I, but whatever. We do both honestly give it a chance each time we are so inclined to go (which, since our wedding in 2005 has been a total of 4 times...the baptisms of my 3 nieces, and L's own baptism), and we DO try to see if we can get anything out of it, but for me, as is always the case, the only thing I seemed to get out of it was more proof of things about the belief system that just don't ring true nor sit right with me, and more proof that I do NOT want to allow my children to be brainwashed into believing that there is only one *right* answer...

And yet, it works for my brother and his wife, and for many others, and I *do* want my children to see different faiths *working* for different people - cuz THAT'S exactly what I want them to learn and believe - that there are many paths and none of them is the only *right* answer. (Except for those who believe they will be celebrated in the afterlife for killing those who believe differently from them - I am sorry, but that I cannot accept.)

So we enter the church and as we are walking down the aisle, L is walking in front of me and I am holding his hand...he gets about halfway to where we are going and I hear this slow cry starting which quickly builds up to a full fledged cry as he turns around to me and puts his arms up and let's me know that he needs-to-be-picked-up-RIGHT-NOW-Mama-cuz-I-am-not-comfortable-here! So I pick him up and he wrapped himself around me, buried his face in my neck and clung on for dear life! He stopped crying, but continued to cling on to me for dear life. He dared here and there to peak out and check out his surroundings, but it took half of the mass for him to even want to do that. When he did dare to look around, he found that there ARE lots of interesting things to look at in a church, but I am pretty sure he still felt intimidated by the space and all the people. Each time the congregation started singing, he would cling a little tighter and peer out and around.

He did not make a peep until people started getting up to go up to communion, when he blurted out "Can we go home now?!" which resonated through the silent shuffling of those going up to partake in the eating of their savior (?!?!), and elicited a few chuckles.

After mass was over, and all the people were gone save for those of us attending the baptism, and the lights were dimmed down, he loosened up and played with his cousin while waiting for the baptism. So, honestly, I think it was more all of the people which made him nervous more so than anything else.

But still, W and I could not help but find a little bit of humor in L's reaction to mass. I cannot blame him, I feel a little traumatized each time I go myself ;0)


Sadly, the baptism just reaffirmed in my mind and my heart and my soul that I just do not want to baptize this child...We had this discussion again on the way home, and W is STILL of the mindset that we *have* to do it, so as not to cause waves, and so as not to freak the family out. For me, it comes back to the fact that to THEM, it really means something...to THEM, when we stand up there with them as witnesses, and we *promise* to raise our child in the catholic church, that is exactly what it is - a promise that we intend to raise them that way. And I have NO INTENTION what-so-ever of doing so, and neither does W. And although I may not hold the faith system in my heart, I still RESPECT it, and THEM, and THEIR faith in it. So, to me, it isn't fair to THEM to go up there and make those promises knowing full well that we do not intend to keep them, knowing that it REALLY MEANS something more to them.

And it's not fair to US that they cannot just be accepting of our decisions, and that we should feel that we have to do something against our better judgement in order to 'not offend the family'. What irritates me more than anything is that if we express our true spiritual beliefs, they will think differently of us? How is that? Are we not the same people they love day in and day out? The same loving, decent human beings? But finding out that we do not share their exact religious beliefs will somehow make them like or love us less?? Somehow make us lesser people? That is THEIR shortcoming, as far as I am concerned, and I am so tired of that way of conditionally being loved.

My father even came to me during dinner afterward and asked if we were going to have Father J (the priest who baptised my neices and L, who was joining us for dinner) baptize this baby also, and I was truthful when I said "Dad - we don't know WHAT we are going to do with this baby." And he said okay, but I know he didn't for one moment think that meant that we may NOT baptise the baby, just that we didn't know where or when.

This will be the next battle - for me personally and spiritually, for W and I (as I said, he is still very much of the camp that we just do it and move on), and for us and our families.

For me personally, I think it is the opportunity I need to take to come clean with MY family...I need to be true to MYSELF and true to MY JOURNEY. The hardest part of that is that this is not JUST my journey - OUR children are not just MY journey - they are W's also, and I need to respect his position in this journey as well. I need to figure out how to respect us both, and right now I have no idea how I am going to do that...

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

Pregnancy updates

(Warning: Possibly more than you want to know pregnancy stuff.)

It's not that bad, but I just want to put that warning up there because this IS about pregnancy stuff...and maybe someone reads and just doesn't want to know about dilation and softening and pain etc, etc. So if you don't, then stop reading now.

So I had a checkup yesterday, 36 weeks 5 days pregnant, another 4# gained (it's all water at this point, it's all water...if I keep telling myself that I think I will be okay ;0) ) bringing my total weight gain to 40 pounds. As Kori would say, MEH. Whatever. I have lost more than that before, I can do it again.

I talked to the doctor about how I have been feeling the last couple of days, and she said that the contractions I have been feeling are probably the real deal, just early ones, and she was so funny cuz she started to get excited about checking my cervix! She said "I am excited to check and see what's happening down there!" She cracks me up. The she also said she was hoping something was happening, cuz she didn't want to have to tell me that there wasn't anything going on yet.

No worries there...she was hardly even up in there when she said "Whoa, baby is RIGHT THERE." Which doesn't surprise me. I pretty much could tell that from the way I have been feeling, and L was the same way. I mean, you should have seen the cone head on that boy. He even had the doctor worried for a bit. I will have to share that photo sometime, even though W HATES it, and curses me for showing ANYONE, and would totally delete it if he really knew where to find it...But I am SO glad I took it, because even *I* didn't realize how bad of a cone head he had until a couple months later when I looked at the photo and my jaw hit the floor. It was BAAD. But look at him now; he's got a fine head, and he is possibly the cutest little boy EVER. :0)

But anyway...so baby is right down in there, and my cervix is very soft and dilated to about a 2. So not much, but it is enough for me. At least something is happening. And I know I could walk around like this with no change for 2 or 3 more weeks, but I also know that I could go tonight.

We talked about the pain, and about bowel movements; but I won't subject you to that...THAT would be going a bit too far, I think. But basically, we came to the conclusion that the pain is coming from the baby being SO LOW and not from anything dire. Of course, if it continues, or gets worse, or if I have ANY doubts, she encouraged me to call OB and come in.

After my appointment with the doctor, I got to have another massage with my wonderful friend L. And whatever she did, she did right, cuz I must say I am feeling a lot better today than I did the whole beginning of this week. She relaxed something that was just way too wound, and I feel loose and good today. I was SO RELAXED and TIRED last night, and I crashed on the couch at 8:30 pm, which is pretty early for me. I feel refreshed today.

My friend L also did a little massaging of some various pressure points and muscle groups that can be helpful in encouraging the onset of labor. We will see.

On the name front, I am really kinda falling in love with the name Cretia. Cretia Lyn. Or maybe Lucretia Lyn, which I kinda like because I like the idea of both of the kids names starting with L. I could call her Cree for short. Most of my family and friends have recoiled when I say it (including W) save for a few who like it, but I really really think I like it and I really really think I don't care what any of them think. Except for W; I guess I really have to take his opinion into consideration, but I already told him that I have veto power on this one cuz he got to name L...hehehehe. Not that I would name our child something that he ABSOLUTELY HATED, like Chloe (he thinks it's a stripper name!) but I think if I REALLY feel like this baby is a Cretia, that I can convince him to go with me ;0). I guess we will see when the baby comes.

Pain

(Warning: possibly TMI pregnancy type stuff)

Since Monday I have been having pains. They are coming from the lower part of my uterus, or maybe from some organ behind my uterus, but they are down low. They are sharp. They are not consistent, but they have been off and on all day, each day. I cannot say that they necessarily get better or worse if I change position. I cannot necessarily link them consistently to tightening, so I can't really say if they are contractions or not. My lower back is also very achy, like when Aunt Flo is visiting, which I KNOW for sure I experienced during labor last time. And between the sharp pains I am achy in front like I am when Aunt Flo is around, which I ALSO know I experienced during labor last time. The pains seem better after I have been laying down all night, which makes me think that it is more something like the baby is putting pressure on my bowels and as 'things' try to pass through there, they are causing the pain. I know with my last pregnancy I had REALLY painful gas issues, so it could REALLY be that. Or something like that. I know the baby has dropped more at some point in the last week too.

So I don't really know what it is. I didn't think much of it Monday or yesterday, just thought it would pass, but now it's the third day, and seems to be getting worse, and I really kinda just wanna cry. If this is the beginning of labor, I wish it would just get a move on - and if this is something else, I hope it stops soon, cuz I just don't know how I will make it through another couple of weeks feeling like this.

I've got a call in to my doctor to verify what I can take for stool softeners, cuz I really just think it has to do with that. Hopefully she calls back soon and I can get my butt to the store and get something to rememdy the situation. And either way, I KNOW I can drink some prune juice, and that should help. **Crossing fingers**

Okay, I am done whining. For now.

On a completely different note:

W and I have plans to take L to pick strawberries on Saturday morning. I NEED my strawberries so I can make my jelly for the next year; I just CANNOT do store bought jelly anymore, and I just cracked my last jar from last year this morning. L is going to have SO MUCH FUN! We planted a few strawberry plants in our garden this year, and he had so much fun always checking them for berries, but they have pretty much produced all they are going to for this year. I know it may be a little difficult having him pick at the berry farm since he is only 2.5, but I figure this way I can let W do most of the actual *picking* and I can mostly keep an eye on L...hehehe. Cannot WAIT for some fresh picked strawberries!!

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

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We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

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I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Coming to it on his own

So L still won't sleep in his big boy bed after his snake nightmare the other night. He slept there for naptime on Monday and Tuesday, when he was home with W those two days, but when it comes to bedtime, at NIGHT, he's not havin it. Monday night he crawled into his big boy bed for about 10 minutes, but must have gotten to thinking about his dream, cuz then he was crying and adamant that he wanted to go into his crib.

Even after showing him multiple times that there are no snakes under his bed, and also telling him that his (stuffed) kitty and our other cats would eat any snakes that DID try to get into the house, he still wasn't convinced that it was okay.

W is of the mindset that we need to 'just make him sleep in his bed'...that somehow FORCING him to sleep there will miraculously make him get over his fear. *I*, on the other hand, am of the opinion that we continue to try and convince him that it is safe, and *try* to talk him into sleeping in the bed, but if he insists, that we let him sleep in the crib, and that sooner or later (and probably sooner) he will get over it and be back in his big boy bed. (So far, I am winning, lol ;0)) I can somewhat see his point and what he is thinking, but I still don't think forcing him to sleep there is the right way to go about it.

So, I will just keep trying to convince W that letting him come about it on his own is the right way to go about it, and hope that L decides soon that it is okay to sleep there in the dark.