November 2009

For Kori :-)

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Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

Back to work

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It is really making me sick to my stomach, and so sad.

I know it gets easier, but it is SOO hard at first, and right now, I REALLY don't want to do it. Today cannot go slow enough. The boys and I have been playing playing playing all morning, and right now, the younger is taking a little nap, and the elder is having a bit of lunch, and I am wishing the day would drag on forever and ever.

If shit wasn't all messed up at work it wouldn't be quite as bad. Last time I was on leave, that place was toxic when I left, but things had changed while I was out, and I returned to an altogether different place. BETTER different. This time, it was decent when I left, but is almost more toxic now than it was the last time. I really have no desire to go back to that. I am keeping my eyes open and looking for something else, but there just isn't much of anything around here in my line of work...

I have always said I didn't think that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but this time, I don't know. If we could afford it, I probably wouldn't go back to work. It just feels different this time. I know FOR SURE I could go for only working 3 or 4 days a week - that would be a perfect balance. I could still work outside the home, which I DO honestly enjoy doing, but also get ample time at home with the boys...

I have been holding baby C as much as I possibly could for the last week or so. I honestly don't care if it causes him to get used to being held and causes issues for my daycare lady; he will adjust. I have just needed to keep him as close to me as possible these last few days of our undivided time together. I have even been keeping him in bed with me when he wakes up for his 5 or 6 am feeding; nursing him laying down, both of us falling back to sleep together when he is done. I NEVER did this with Logan, but I can see the draw of co-sleeping - how wonderful to snuggle next to my little one. To hear the measure of his breathing and feel his breath on my chest. The smell of him while I sleep. To wake up to his rooting around and grunting and to see him smile when my face is the first thing he sees upon waking. *SIGH*

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to suck big ass. As will probably the next 2 weeks, until I can get back into the routine. At least Thanksgiving Holiday is coming up fast, and in only a couple of weeks I will get 4 straight days with them again.

Wish me luck.

The elder is done eating, so we are gonna play some puzzles before his nap, and then I am gonna snuggle the younger and hope the afternoon and evening drag on.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

Welcome to our sweet little baby...

BOY!!

Caelan John was born August 9th at 11:01 am. He weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs 9 ozs and was 22" long. Once it was time, he came fast and hard, but both he and I are healthy and happy and adjusting to our new family life.

I generally avoid using any of our names on my blog, for whatever reason, but this one time I felt I just really wanted to share his name with you, as I think it is unique and beautiful. It is a name that W came up with about 2 months prior to birth, and was one that I had thought was okay. I was by no means sold on it at that time, but then again, I totally thought it was going to be a non issue since I was convinced I was going to have my girl. From now on I will refer to him as Cj.

As I said, Caelan is a little replica of his big brother. He looks so damn much like L did when he was born, it is almost freaky at times. The first thing the doctor said when he was born is "He looks JUST LIKE his big brother!!!" Everyone who had close contact with L when he was little says the same thing. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a different baby - I keep having deja vu!! And when L holds him, it is the weirdest thing - it is like him holding a newborn version of himself...WEIRD!!

So I didn't get my girl. And I will be honest and say that there was some disappointment for me in that, but not for long. How can one remain disappointed when a beautiful, healthy, sweet little baby, boy or girl, is laid in your arms, and nurses at your breast, and looks at you with that look that says "Hi mama, I have been waiting to meet you"?? This Mama surely couldn't. As soon as that little man was in my arms, looking like a little replica of his big brother, all thoughts of disappointment dropped away.

I did, however, get my unmedicated (mostly), vaginal birth, even though this little guy got his shoulder stuck like his big brother did. Due to my history of shoulder dystocia with L, along with the fact that this baby was situated exactly how L had been (head down and very low for a long time prior to birth), my fear of a repeat and my VERY STRONG desire not to have a C-Section, I had taken a little advice from my friend Ms. Moon and spoken to my doctor before hand about our plan in the event this baby did indeed have should dystocia, and I am SO THANKFUL that I did. Many a doctor would have immediately taken me for an emergency C-section without even trying any measures to get the baby out vaginally at that point. Thankfully, I have an AWESOME doctor whom I love and respect even more after this second birth experience with her.

I am going to share the details of my birth story, as I want to document them for myself as well, and I have so much to say about all of these emotions running through me, but for tonight, I am going to have to stop here...It is 11 pm, and W is out with the guys tonight, and L and Caelan are sleeping soundly, but I know that all too soon (soon as in like 2 hours) the lil guy will be up and ready to nurse, and I am TIRED y'all...this newborn stage is a lot of work in it's own way. But it is SO FREAKING ABSOLUTELY worth it. W and I cannot quit proclaiming these days just how blessed we are every time we look at one of our two gorgeous little boys.

So, more to come - hopefully soon, but I won't make any promises that I might not be able to keep ;0) We leave for the cabin next Saturday for a week, and I haven't even BEGUN to pack, or figure out just what we all need to bring this year, so it will be a busy week next week!!

41weeks + 2 days...It's time...

In a little over 2 hours, we will be checking in to the birthing center so my doctor can break my water and get this show on the road, although I cannot believe I have not started full blown labor on my own yet.

As of Friday morning, I was dilated to 5cm, 80% effaced and baby was at like +2 station...All signs point to go, but this baby just doesn't want to come out!! So we will be going in, and my doctor thinks that just breaking my water should be enough to put me into labor well enough. So hopefully no pitocin even, which would be great.

My massage therapist friend L is going to be there with W and I for labor, to help me try to do this without an epidural. I am hoping since I am halfway there already that this will be a quick labor, and all will go well.

I am SO EXCITED!!! AHHH!!!! I cannot believe that within mere hours we will FINALLY get to meet this baby!! I am nervous as well, but I know we can do this.

I just SO HOPE this baby is healthy. Please oh please oh please let the baby be healthy...

And what I really want to do right now, at 4:42 am is go upstairs and hold my baby L, who is not a baby anymore, but told me today that 'he is little...he is baby L' and in my heart that is so true and wasn't it just yesterday that I was giving birth to HIM? And I am feeling melancholy cuz now it's all going to change, and he will no longer be my only baby, and he will have to move over and share my heart...and although it is such SUCH a joyous thing, it is also a bit of a sad thing too. And I want to just go hold him for a bit and smell him and remember him just like this, before he becomes 'the big brother'. Lately, like the last couple of weeks, he has felt like he has aged quite a bit. And I have a feeling that is going to expound once this baby is born. My baby L.

So, I will be back home in a few days with photos and stories...Wish me luck!

40 weeks +3 days...

And we are still waiting. My lack of posting is not because I am in the hospital with this baby in my arms unfortunately, but because the baby still doesn't want to come out yet. I have tried the tricks, I have tried talking to her/(him), I have tried bribery, I have tried pre-grounding her/(him), but alas, no luck.

And so, we continue to wait. I just hope it happens soon. Have I said lately that I am just SO DONE?!?