I don't think I can NOT have another one of these, and Holy shite it's cold

When I look at things like this I want to weep at the beauty, and I wonder if I can truly live with never having another baby ever again. I don't know if I can.

And then I spend a few hours with L and his little Terrible Three self while trying to take care of Baby C's needs also, and I am plummeted back into the reality that those cute, sweet, precious little babies don't stay that way forever. That they become a LOT more work as they get older. That they talk back, disobey, hit their baby brother, and get REALLY needy and whiny.

But seriously. Thinking that Baby C may be it for us and that I may never hold another newborn (of my own) to my breast makes me want to weep, too. And then weep and weep some more.

(And for the record, L is actually a really good boy. He has moments, but they are, for the most part, few and far between. And as I said the other day - I love him beyond measure and wouldn't change a thing!)

And also - HOLY SHITE it's cold. The last few mornings we have woken up to -20 degree temps, with daytime temps hovering around 0. I know it's winter, but this is just TOO cold. I was driving to my friends house yesterday morning, and hit an area that was -24. What the fuck.

The day I was forever changed...

Three years ago today, right now, I was in labor with my first son L. It was a day that has forever changed me in so many ways - as any of you who are parents surely know.

Never had I realized the TRUE depth and expanse of love until I gave birth to that baby. How is it that you can love that little person more than you've ever loved anyone the moment you lay eyes and arms on them? Or BEFORE you ever lay eyes and arms on them, even? How can that little helpless person, who cannot even hold their own head upright grab onto your heart and rip it out of your chest and carry it around, vulnerable and exposed, in the big bad world? How can that one little soul somehow lift you up when it seems that all is lost? Make things that had once seemed so important now seem trivial?

Since L, I have been able to let go of some things that I NEVER thought I would. He has made me slow down again and enjoy the little things in life. He has helped me to rediscover the beauty that exists all around me every day, every where. Seeing things again for the first time through his eyes is so amazing. Watching him grow and learn and change and become this little person has brought me joy I never knew could exist.

Becoming a mother has also brought me sadness in ways I never thought it would. Never did I realize how vulnerable I would feel. How every time I heard about a crash, a fire, an illness, a murder, starving children, abuse - these things would haunt me like never before. That I would ALWAYS imagine how horrible it would be were it MY child. That my heart would ACHE and that I would cry rivers for people I have never met who face these challenges. I would wonder how a person could ever live on after losing their child. And I would CONSTANTLY hope that somehow, SOMEHOW I can make it through this life without ever having to find these things out first hand.

Becoming a mom to L made me see my own parents in a whole new light - in good ways and bad. I understood things from a new perspective, which has helped me to both forgive them in some ways, and hate them in others.

I will not deny for a second that there are times I wish for JUST A MOMENT of peace. Just a moment when I am not needed by someone. That I could have some uninterrupted time to do something for ME and only ME. That there are times that I wish I could shut off the empathy because I don't know if I can take it any more. That there are times that I long for the freedom and time that I had before kids.

And yet, there isn't ANY WAY that I would change it. I love that little boy so much for ALL the ways he has changed my life; good bad and otherwise. I only hope that we can raise him up right, and that he makes good decisions, and that he loves himself and others around him, and that he lives a long, happy life.

And I will say that I am glad that tonight I will be ringing in the New Year amongst my friends rather than in the hospital in labor, although I would do it over again a million times for him if I had to.

So Happy Birthday my little L, at 3:11 am on Jan 1, I love you more than you will ever know; until you become a Daddy one day yourself.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

A sad day...

The matriarch of this family had a massive heart attack last night and is currently in critical condition, on life support and in an induced coma, at the hospital.

I am supposed to be working; I NEED to be working, but all I can think about is this family and the ache this is causing in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped by her room this morning because I had to be at the hospital anyway for work, in the exact wing she happened to be located, and I couldn't NOT stop. I didn't want to intrude, but I felt compelled to express my love and to let the family know I was thinking of them and that I was available if they needed ANYTHING.

I only stayed about two minutes, and didn't even enter the room; the whole situation felt sacred - something to be shared by the family. But the daughter (whom the letter was initally sent to) assured me that I was not, in fact, intruding, and thanked me for stopping. She mentioned the letter and said how it had had a very large impact on her mother; how proud and happy it had made her, and how they had talked about it often. All in all, I am very glad that I did stop.

That entire family means a lot to me, and has for the majority of my life. I am very saddened today. The prognosis at this point is not good - they will be doing some additional testing today. I am hoping and sending my love and energy their way.

And now I am going to try to get some work done.

A milestone on Thanksgiving...

Baby C rolled over today! Right in the middle of our Thanksgiving celebration he did it. We have known it was coming for a couple of weeks, as he has been getting WAY up on his side, and today he did it. I think he knew it would be even MORE exciting if he did it in front of a whole group of people :-) And then he did it again. And again! The look on his face the first time he did it was priceless...like "Whoa! How the heck did I get like this, Mom?!" and then "Hey, I'mma do that AGAIN!" He got a little scared at the roar of everyone cheering for him, but then he was right back at it.

Ahhh, they grow TOO fast! Soon, we will be chasing him everywhere, wishing he would be IMmobile for just two minutes ;-)

Hope everyone had (or is having, I guess) a wonderful Thanksgiving.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Every day on my way to work, I drive past a billboard for our state lottery. It is one for the BIG lotto game, where the jackpot never is less than 20 million. It changes whenever someone doesn't win to show the new estimated jackpot amount, and says things like

'25 million ways to thank your parents'

or

'85 million less minutes you will have to spend at work'

The game draws winners on Wednesdays and Saturdays, so AT LEAST 2 times per week I end up looking at the sign and I start day dreaming about what *I* would do if I won 20+ million dollars. I have to admit, I really like that dream.

I would travel to warm, exotic and interesting places with my immediate family, as well as take my closest family and friends on a group vacation somewhere fun and far away.

W could go to college - I would LOVE to see him be able to not work and just go to a 4 year college. He would do SO WELL with learning now. He has always been smart, but could have cared less about learning when he was younger. NOW, though, he would just soak up all of the knowlege to be had, I just know it. He would kick some college learning ass.

I would take some photography classes to get some formal schooling in that photography shit that I love so well, and I could open my own studio, and if nothing else, take free photographs of my friends and family.

I would put money away for each of the boys for college. I would make sure there was plenty there - who the hell knows how much college is going to cost by the time they are that age.

I would have AT LEAST one more baby. And maybe I would just go on having babies until my uterus fell out, who knows? If I could afford them I just may, because I KNOW I could LOVE them.

I would pay off my parents' bills and get them on their feet, and do what I had to so that they could retire and just enjoy their years. I am only being honest when I say that neither of them are going to live so long that if I won 20+ million dollars I wouldn't be able to support them until they died. Although, if I had that money, I would pay for my Dad to go to rehab. The BEST rehab. And hopefully it would work, and it would give him more years than he has on his current path.

I would help my brother - probably pay off his mortgage at least, so he could relax a little and not have to be so stressed.

I would help a few of my bestest friends who are SO deserving and could use a little hand up. I would hope I could do it in a way that they would not feel insulted, or inadequate or whatever; I hope they could know that I only wanted to help them a little because I LOVE them, and because they do SO deserve it.


I would pay off my house, and replace the windows and siding, put in central AC, replace the flooring in the kitchen / bathroom / entry, put up the retaining wall that is needed in the back (because our house is slowing sinking in the back - you can see that the addition on that side is slowly falling away from the rest of the house - yikes!), fill in the old cistern that we have discovered back there, put up a new garage (which is also falling down), and then sell it. Probably for cheap to someone who could really use a nice starter house. I would buy a bigger house - probably twice as big, around 3000 sf would do us plenty. Probably an older home that has been restored - we love that old charm.

I would buy a new car - probably a Nissan Maxima. Sweet :-) And I would give my car away to someone who could really use it.

I would give to charities that help impoverished people in our own country, as well as abroad. I would give to charities that help children who are dying realize a dream before they die. I would give to charities that help animals.

**SIGH** I sure do love that dream...

I love that dream because, above all, 20+ million dollars would buy me so much time. Time that, right now, I don't get to spend on the really important things, such as my family, because I am busy working to pay for things like food and shelter. And less important, but still desired things like cars, toys (for big and little kids alike), vacations, etc, etc. It would buy me time to persue hobbies, and to volunteer and time to just enjoy LIFE that doesn't involve working for a greedy boss to scrape by.

W says that it would be the worst thing that ever happened to a person; that it would RUIN a person. But I say only if you let it.

Maybe one of these days I should start buying that one lottery ticket per week that I always say I am gonna buy so I could actually have a shot at that dream, huh?

Funny, and yet not...

Someone just reminded me of this story, and I had to share it with y'all, because it made me laugh hard and shake my head at the same time.

So W is still a full time smoker. Of cigarettes. I quit smoking when I got preggo with L over 3 years ago. Although, between you and me, I still have one once in awhile - like if we go out for the night, or when we were at the cabin sitting by the bonfire at night, or once in awhile if it has just been an exceptionally stressful day at work. What can I say, I always did like to smoke. It's relaxing. But I have REALLY no desire to go back to it on a regular basis. I find I smell much better now. Not to mention the health benefits of NOT smoking. But anywho...

So anyway, W and his mom are sitting in L's playroom the other night, L is riding around on his little indoor trike (I was cleaning up the kitchen) and I hear Gramma tell L to ride to the store and get her some something or other. So, L rides out into the livingroom and back into the playroom and they must have done this a couple of times pretending he was getting different stuff, and all of a sudden I hear him say

'Here's yer 'mokes dad, I got you some 'mokes at da store!! Here Gramma, here's yer licorice!"

Funny! And yet so.NOT.funny...