My son, the Storyteller...

My son is becoming a story teller.

It's not his fault...really. If the resident daycare bully (who happens to be a girl who is 6 months L's junior) hadn't decided L was a good target a few months back, we wouldn't be where we are now. And maybe it's a little bit of my fault too, I guess.

It started a few months ago when my DC lady showed me the first bite mark upon pick up...She apologized profusely, and said she had really tried to keep her eye on The Offender as much as possible, but while trying to do this AND make lunch (how dare she take her eyes off to make lunch??), said Offender quickly blindsided L and sunk her teeth in. She comforted L, and Offender was scolded for being naughty and given a time out.

I assured her that it was okay, L would live, and life would go on.

When I asked L what happened, he matter of factly told me "C bit me - C naughty, time out C!"

Now, I really was not upset about the biting, I mean, when you have 10 kids around, and some are of the age of learning about proper and improper ways to show anger and frustration, there are bound to be some incidents. And to be completely honest, I was thankful she was telling me my child was the victim and not the offender! Call me crazy or a bad mom or whatever, but I hope I NEVER have The Biter...I mean, kids get thrown out of daycare for that! I have known kids to get thrown out of MULTIPLE daycares for that! And god knows it is hard to find REALLY GOOD, affordable, convenient daycare, which is exactly what I have with my current daycare provider. So yeah, at this point, L was not badly hurt and I was glad he was not The Offender.

In light of this fear, I though "hmmmm, this would be a good opportunity to use this as a learning experience about not biting" so I proceeded to stress how naughty C was for biting, and that we DON'T bite people, and if we do, we are in trouble and get a time out. I thought my plan was working perfectly since whenever we talked about biting, L immediately added that biting is naughty and is grounds for a timeout. Great!

The biting occurred a few more times, never very bad, but always accompanied by a very concerned daycare provider apologizing profusely, and after it happened a couple of times, promising that this was to be the last occurance, if it happened again, she would be asking the parent of The Offender to get their child as she cannot remain, and also asking me for reassurance that I was not going to pull L out of her daycare (???!!! Pull L out?? No way...I would definitely push for The Offender to be removed, but would not pull L out!)

I continued to use the incidents as opportunities to stress to L that we do not bite people, that it is not acceptable to express our anger or frustration in such a way...I was happy that he seemed to be catching on well.

Somewhere along the way, however, in his little brain, he must have come to like me talking about how naughty so and so was for doing such and such, because now I am getting stories of misbehavior by some kid or another practically every day!

I will walk in the door to daycare, and he will run up to me yelling "Mama! Mama!" throw his arms around me, give me my kiss, and then proceed to matter of factly tell me how so and so "bit me today" with the most serious look on his face!

Or we will be riding in the car and he will proclaim "C pinches people, Mama, dat naughty!"

Or the other day when we were in the grocery store, racing to pick up a few things and get home to make dinner, and he was NOT COOPERATING one bit - he wanted his boots / coat off, he insisted I carry him around the store (all 35# of him, in my preggo arms, trying to push a cart with the other hand - UGH!) and I told him he was being quite naughty and he said "No, I not naughty Mama, C naughty!"

Or how the story changed from he and another kid bumping into each other and him falling down and hitting his head to "J hit me Mama" while he points to the part of his head that he hit when he fell.

"No" I tell him, " J didn't hit you, you and J bumped into each other and you FELL DOWN and hit your head. It was an accident, L."

"No, mama, J hit me!" and his eyes get big and he shakes his head up and down.

My daycare provider is very good at telling me when something happens, in fact, I sometimes chuckle at the things she tells me about, or worries about. Although I can understand why she needs to be completely forth coming about everything that happens, but really, we are family, and I pride myself on being pretty down to earth in the aspect that I believe kids are going to be kids, and when they are with each other every day, things are bound to happen! So I am pretty confident that she is telling me the truth when I tell her the stories that L tells each day and she says she is pretty sure nothing like that happened today, etc etc.

So, part of me thinks it is fairly comical, because it IS fairly comical...He will come up with these things out of the blue and remind me how "C bites people" "C pinches people, Mama" etc. But part of me is a little concerned that my boy is turning into the boy who cried wolf!!

Or worse, that C's parents will find out that my child is smearing their precious little girl's name all over town!!

Although she IS a little bully...On that he is telling the truth...maybe just stretching it a little...I can't hardly scold him for being honest, now can I??

Facebook...which should be called Crackbook...

My ever persistant Facebook addicted friends finally suckered me into joining their cult about 2 months ago. I tried to resist, I really did, and I succeeded for quite awhile. I quickly discarded all of their "So-and-so wants you to join them on Facebook!!" emails without a second glance, knowing that it was in my best interest to not start another time sucking internet based venture.

They finally got to me...My friend from forever, R, started talking about all this dish she was finding out about people that we graduated with...and how she was reconnecting with all of these people...and how it REALLY was an easy way to get in and keep in touch with people...those that you see often and those that you haven't seen or talked to in years.

Well, finally, one bored ass day I took the leap (What's that saying about idle hands and the devil's playground???). And OMG, you really CAN reconnect with people! And, OMG, it WAS really nice to get in touch with some people that I would never have were it not for Facebook. I was actually glad that I did it!

But then, people started sending me these application invitations...Ya know (or maybe you don't...maybe you have been successful at resisting the pull of FB - so far), someone sent me a tree that I can plant and grow on My Farm...and someone else sent me a "Break for Mommy" thingy, and someone else wanted me to "Join their Cause" and just by clicking I was helping to donate to one cause or another...Then I got some little sea animal for my Cove, and just by doing blah-biddy-blah I would be helping to save a square foot of rainforest...and on and on and on...I started becoming overwhelmed with all of the requests I had to sort through. I did some of them for awhile, but decided that saving the rainforest via FB Apps was not as important as playing with my toddler or even SLEEPING at night, and I deleted most of my Apps and started ignoring requests left and right. My FB experience has now become more enjoyable and managable once again.

I do remain addicted to a couple of apps...R got me into playing rounds of WordTwist with her and her sister (she swears it's her sisters fault...) and my brain is definitely addicted to the challenge. I am also addicted to Flair, and so I returned the favor to R by sending her tons of flair to fuel my addiction (because, just like everything else on FB, you must send to receive, ya know).

Overall, I AM glad I joined. I really HAVE reconnected with some people that I miss, and that I would not have without FB. In fact, remember him?? (Also see here) After only slightly, kinda, sorta stalking his sisters FB page (which luckily for me happened to be completely public) for a couple of weeks, I found him. I felt like a little school girl as I send him a friend request along with a little message stating I was hoping to find him on FB and would love to do a little catching up. I feel weird admitting that I had butterflies in my stomach and that I checked my page quite obsessively waiting to see if he would accept my request. He did, and we emailed back and forth a few times, and filled each other in on our lives and such, and agreed that we should meet up for drinks and catching up in our old haunt at the lake sometime. I really would love to, but wonder if it might be too akward, and wonder what kind of reaction the idea would get from my dear W and JJ's dear girlfriend...Since emailing with him, I have had weird dreams about akward meetings with him. It may forever remain a FB reconnection, which might be okay, too.

I do remain slighty eeked out by the whole 'stalker' type aspect that, IMO, is part of the draw for people. I have received requests from people whom REALLY have no other reason to want to be my friend on FB than to look through my pictures and see who / what I am talking about on a daily basis...I have repeatedly ignored a couple of requests, and don't feel guilty in the least (as long as I never run into them in public and have them ask why I haven't accepted their friend request. Sure, you think "who would actually confront someone on something like that?" but seriously, I have no doubt that a couple of these people would!). And yet, I would be lying if I didn't admit that some of the people I have befriended I have done so to fulfill the stalker in myself, or to see pictures of the snotty, perfect little rich bitch from HS who is now fat and unhappy with 3 snot nosed brats running around.

So yeah, if you haven't fallen prey to the whole FB phenomenon, best of luck to you...It can be such a powerful tool, but also a HUGE waste of your time!!!

Why must they? Part 2 (I think)...or because it's my blog and I can...

I am going to be shallow and rude for a moment, but I need to go off for a minute, and besides, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I really try to not take advantage of the "Mommy to be / Families with small children" parking spaces unless I really have to, or until I get to the end of my pregnancy and really appreciate not having to walk a mile into the store. I DO use them more often if I have L with me than if I am alone.

Yesterday was just one of those days though...I had walked around a LOT at a very large campus of one of our clients, in REALLY bad shoes (I need new work dress shoes badly, but it just can't be a priority right now), and I just wanted to get in, get my bra and get out. (The bra, BTW, was another thing in dire need of replacement...and while the shoes can be tolerated and be made to suffice for a little while longer, my girls were letting me know, in no uncertain terms, that the bra could not!)

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Okay, I had the rest of the story typed out (which was just a big long rant), but when I got finished and re-read it, I just could not publish it. Written out, it came off as even more rude and shallow than I believe I am, and it's more raging pregnancy hormones than anything, and after the last post that got you all thinking I am a whack job, I couldn't let you think that I am a super rude, super shallow whack job...

Let's just say that I got EXTREMELY irritated by not one, but TWO, lazy, selfish asshole people who pulled into the 'Mommy to be / families with small children' spots that I was was pulling up to...Neither of them pregnant, nor with small children in tow. One was just a lazy lone lady who appeared perfectly capable of walking from a normal spot, and the other one was fat and with a bouncy 10 year old in tow...hardly qualifying as a 'small child'.

Oh, and I *may* have made an under my breath remark, which maybe wasn't so under my breath, and possibly was heard by someone, and I may have felt kinda bad...but not totally bad, because it *was* true...

(Okay, so you still got a glimpse of my rudeness in the short version, but hey, like I said, it IS my blog...if I can't do it here, where do I dump these feelings???)

And no, it did not kill me to walk a little further, but c'mon people, SERIOUSLY?

I may be a total whack-job...

Have I really not posted anything since March 3rd? That's what...(checking my calendar) 2 weeks? Wow...

I've felt weird lately. I have been dealing with my newly discovered anger at being made (or maybe it is just allowing myself) to feel guilt over my loved ones alcoholism. I have found that maybe THAT is what makes me the most angry. And have realized that I have felt it so much and for so long. Not just over the alcoholism, but also due to my parents fighting all the time and some other things too.

I have been teetering and tottering on the edge of full blown anxiety about our finances, and the economy, and what our life may look like in a year or two. I feel like a weeble-wobble...I weeble and wobble, but don't quite fall down. I have been thinking more and more about what may really happen in 2012...Which, BTW, is the topic I have been wanting to blog about that may or may not make you think I am a total whack job...You know how the Mayan and Chinese calendars and Nostradamus all point to 'the end of the world as we know it' in 2012...W is and always has been a believer that something is going to change in 2012, and to be honest, with the current state of the world economy, is it so far fetched to think that life as we know it could possibly be drastically different by 2012? And not in a progressive way, but as in the world economy collapses and we go back to a time of basic survival being the name of the game??? W frequently says that he cannot wait, "Death to the machine" as he says often, and honestly, on one hand, I would probably be okay with a simpler life, but can you imagine the chaos?? So yeah, I am scared about what our life may look like in a couple of years.

And even if you think about it in a bit more sane manner, if not that scenario, I am still concerned about our future as a family...W is still laid off, and I worry. I worry that the residential construction industry will stay stale and we will be faced with him having to find different employment, and with the unemployment rate at record numbers and growing with no end in sight, I worry about even being able to find a job...We are making it on unemployment, barely, and I worry how we will make it when the baby comes...Daycare alone is going to put us right on the edge of solvency without his normal income and without major changes in our life. And I don't want to depend on the unemployment for any longer than we have to. I am just trying to not think about it, and just take it day by day.

I must say though, that W seems happier these days...At least he has energy left when we get home to play with L and we actually have conversations and he is again funny and witty and makes me laugh like he did in the beginning. When working, he is so drained when he gets home, he doesn't have much left for us. I don't blame him, he works his ass off, but seeing this side of him again makes me sad. Sad that he can't have a career or a job that he likes that still allows us to have him complete.

My life is by no means all doom and gloom, thankfully, which is totally what is keeping me from falling over the edge into that abyss of anxiety. The pregnancy is going well, I am feeling the baby kicking and moving every day now, and every day she gets stronger. It is feeling more and more real with every passing week, and I am so excited to meet this addition to our family. I was officially halfway as of last Friday (20 weeks) and we get to have our routine ultrasound on Wednesday of this week. We are going to bring L with, and I am excited to see what he thinks of actually seeing the baby on the screen. He has been to my last couple of appointments with me, to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he will talk about on occasion out of the blue. We aren't going to find out the sex, although I must admit I am tempted this time. But I loved the surprise last time, and although there is a risk of me having gender disappointment if this isn't my girl, I know it will only last for seconds, and is not worth giving up the surprise to avoid.

Not to mention that Spring is showing us a glimpse of her glorious face around here the last week or so, and it feels absolutely wonderful. We have been able to get outside without bundeling up, the air is thick with the pungent smell of thawing earth, there are puddles to splash in, the birds are singing their chorus in the mornings, I have been enjoying beautiful foggy sunrises on my way to work...How can I not find joy and peace in the emergence of Spring?

We are overcome every day by how much joy, love, laughter and happiness L brings to our life. He is so funny (like his dad) and smart (like his mom...oh, okay, and his dad is pretty bright himself) and sweet and sensitive. And he is growing so fast right before our eyes. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to not slow down and just enjoy him...it is impossible for me not to see that before I know it he will be a boy, a teen, a man.

He is a wild man, and every day is a new adventure...

Like the other day, when he fell head first off the ottoman and wound up with this on his head...




Or yesterday on his first trike ride outside...




We are beginning to be able to see how he is going to be; what personality traits he will have, what his strengths and weaknesses will be. Really getting to know him. And I love it. And it is the best thing in the world...this is what keeps me from falling down.

Movement...

She is moving...I just ate a ham sandwich with spicy habanero mustard and she must have liked it cuz I was working away and she started kicking and rolling and then I was crying and remembering that THIS is what's important in life...Her, rolling and kicking, and me, taking the time to pay attention to her and burn these memories into my mind and file them away.

No matter the bills, or W being unemployed, or the scary economy or the bony fingers of the anxiety trying to wrap themselves around my throat or all of the above, THIS baby, and L, and W, and our love, THAT is what REALLY matters. THAT is what will pull us through the scary times ahead still intact.

I have been feeling her (who, if I may remind you, may not even be a her, but she will be until or if she comes out a he) move a little bit every day now for about 2 weeks. It is so reassuring and fun and just CRAZY; to have a HUMAN BEING rolling around and kicking you from the inside. Absolutely one of the wildest, most amazing things ever. I love it. And it is a bit sad to think this may be the last time I feel this miracle ever. But for now, it's good.

Fooling myself...

I had this naive notion that I could protect my children from my parents' alcoholism. That due to the fact that *I* was determined to show them with my own actions and life choices that drinking like my parents do is not normal or healthy or the way that all, or even a majority of people, live their lives, that they would be safe from the hurt and pain inflicted upon me by my parents alcoholism. That my parents could be a part of my children's lives and somehow I would use their sickness as a way for my children to learn from a distance...my children would not have to live through what I did in order to learn the lessons; I could teach them by viewing it from afar.

I had this plan that I would simply tell my children that Nana and Papa (him, especially) have a disease, a sickness they couldn't control, and that drinking like that was not a healthy or happy way to live. And that somehow, some way, those words would make them understand and would protect them.

HA...yeah...good plan.

Last night I was telling L that I was going to call Papa B and Gramma C (W's father and his wife) and see if he could stay with them on Saturday night while mama worked. He immediately started whining that he didn't want to go there, he wants to "Go Nana's house...and Papa be der too!" (my parents).

In that instant, at TWO years old, L blew my plan wide open and exposed it for the weak little wanna be protection from the storm that it was trying to be.

"No, you can't go to Nana and Papa's, we're going to see if you can go to Papa B's and Gramma C's house"

"Noooo - wanna see Nana an Papa, and Jack be der too!"

How could I have thought there would be no pain in it for him? How could I have thought that saying the words "No you can't_____with Papa because Papa is sick" would magically make him understand my reasoning and squelch his desires to spend time fishing or hunting or hanging out with his Papa that he loves?

Last night, I was able to brush it under the rug and just move on. I just stopped the conversation, and when Saturday comes and we drop L off at his other Papa and Gramma's house, he will be happy and he will forget that he wanted to be at Nana and Papa's instead. But what happens when he is 4 or 5 or 8 and he won't take no for an answer? When he wants to know why he can NEVER do x,y or z with Papa K? When he wants to know why he always stays at Papa B and Gramma C's, but never with Nana and Papa? What then? Could I seriously have thought that saying those weak little words "Papa is sick" would somehow leave him understanding what my 30+ years of life, and being bombarded by and living through all the ugly faces of alcoholism has taught me? How will there not be pain for him when he wonders why Papa can't just love him enough to NOT drink? Did I think he would not wonder that same thing that I myself have wondered a million times over?

I truly believe that I am here in this life and that I chose these parents because *I* will be the one who breaks the chain, the one who chooses the other path. But how could I have thought that there would be no pain for my children? There is no escaping the pain when you are on the path of leaving your family's legacy of alcoholism behind...and regardless of the shortsightedness of my previous thinking that the pain would end with me; that *I* was the end of that legacy, it is obvious that my children are REALLY going to have to be the end. Hopefully my choices, which were shaped through my own pain, along with my children's choices learned through their own different, but equal pain, can allow my grandchildren to be the ones who won't have to learn the lessons through pain. They hopefully can learn to live healthy, productive lives simply because that is the ONLY thing that they know and see in their immediate family.

And although that thought brings me hope and joy, it does not ease the sorrow I feel for my own children. It does not answer the question of 'what's my plan NOW?' How am I going to help ease their pain? I'm tired. Tired of the alcoholism. Tired of thinking about it and seeing it and figuring out how to live through it. Tired of feeling guilty and disappointed and embarrassed and sad and mad because of it. I would so much like to brush it under the rug, but I keep tripping on the bump it creates. I cannot even look at my father these days, which makes me feel so sad and guilty and angry. I see in his eyes that he knows; he knows that I can hardly stand to look at him, and he knows why, and it hurts him SO BAD...I can see all that in his eyes, and it makes me SO FUCKING angry at him for knowing it and allowing me to feel so guilty because I cannot muster the strength to say it all out loud.

I only wanted to spare my children this pain...this unfair, unrelenting pain caused by the actions of our loved ones which we have no control over. This realization of my flawed plan has dampened my heart...

From the mouth of the babe...part whatever; I lost count

I have been really bad at writing all these cute little speech momentos down lately. I have been really bad at keeping track of ANY little momentos aside from filing them in my memory lately to be honest. L HAS a baby book intended to house these moments, keeping them intact and safe from the fuzziness of memory which happens over time, and I know that someday I am going to regret not making the time to keep score better.

So, lest I forget them, I wanted to write down a couple of my most favorite current developments with L.

Not to long ago, everything became 'for a minute'..."Play ball me, foraminute?" "Brush teef, foraminute" "Nuggle me mama, foraminute? (with his sippy in one hand and the other hand in his hair and his sweet little blue eyes (my eyes) pleading with me to just take a second, mama) " with his voice raising just a titch at the end so that every time he says the word it ends in a question, whether it is a question or not...

His other new phrase is 'can we ____ now'..."Cawee eat now, mama?" "Cawee watch Dora now, mama?" The other day we were at my Auntie Rose's wake, surrounded by a bunch of people that L doesn't know, waiting in line to pay our respects, he in my arms holding on for dear life, and he grabs my face in his two little hands and turns my head so that he is looking directly into my eyes and says "Cawee go home now, mama, please?" while shaking his head yes...

**SIGH**

W said last night that he doesn't want him to learn to talk properly, can't we just freeze him right here for awhile?

Yeah, don't we wish...