Grass...

I went up to L's room one morning this weekend upon him awakening to bring him downstairs. I was dressed in just the tank top and undies that I had worn to bed, and between the expanding belly and the lack of maintenance, some of the 'forest' musta been sticking out, cuz when I stood in front of him as he stood on his toddler bed, he excitedly told me:

"MAMA! You dot drass!!" and bent down for a little better look...

followed matter of factly by:

"I don like drass..."


Oh, my son, some day you will like's a girl's grass well enough...(but never your mama's grass)

Yeah, what she said...again

I am once again going to send you over to see the lovely Ms. Mooon and check out this post because she just says things so well. I feel basically the same way she does, and yeah, maybe in a non-9-months-pregnant frame of mind I could figure out how to express all of this in my own words, but I figure what the hell, it's easier just to send you over there.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Waiting.

We are still waiting.

No baby yet.

This one is going to be stubborn I think.

I really thought she(he) would be a Cancer. But she shall be a Leo - and that is okay. Leo's are said to be charismatic and positive-thinking, and to be natural born leaders. They are also said to be born fortunate and attract many friends and opportunities. Sounds good to me. Besides, I don't know if I could handle another moody, broody, emotional Cancer in my house - her father is the perfect example of a true Cancer ;0). Leo sounds like the perfect combination of my positive Capricorn traits and the positive aspects of her father's Cancerian traits.

The first thing I really want for her (okay okay, or him) is to be healthy. Please oh please oh please let her be healthy.

When I got home from work yesterday, L said "The baby didn't come out yet?" LOL, even L is ready for me to be done...mostly cuz I have told him that Mama won't be able to make the walk to the duck pond until after the baby comes out. We have been driving there, but both miss getting there by walking.

Last night, I told L to tell the baby to "Come out, we are ready to meet you" and he ran over and put his hands on each side of my belly and planted his lips against it and said "COME OUT BABY!!! WE READY TO MEET YOU! WE WANT TA HOLD YOU!!"

Oh my sweet little man, my love my joy you make my heart smile so and I swear it will burst from the overwhelming love it holds for you. I can't believe we are soon to have another one to bring that much more joy to our lives...I cannot wait to see you interact with your lil brother or sister - you are going to be a great big brother...

Oh he is SO our child...and the next battle.

My newest niece was baptized on Saturday after 5 o'clock mass, and we could have just went to the baptism and skipped mass, but like a good auntie and uncle, we loaded L up and headed to mass with the rest of the family. We still feel inclined to put on the show I guess...W more so than I, but whatever. We do both honestly give it a chance each time we are so inclined to go (which, since our wedding in 2005 has been a total of 4 times...the baptisms of my 3 nieces, and L's own baptism), and we DO try to see if we can get anything out of it, but for me, as is always the case, the only thing I seemed to get out of it was more proof of things about the belief system that just don't ring true nor sit right with me, and more proof that I do NOT want to allow my children to be brainwashed into believing that there is only one *right* answer...

And yet, it works for my brother and his wife, and for many others, and I *do* want my children to see different faiths *working* for different people - cuz THAT'S exactly what I want them to learn and believe - that there are many paths and none of them is the only *right* answer. (Except for those who believe they will be celebrated in the afterlife for killing those who believe differently from them - I am sorry, but that I cannot accept.)

So we enter the church and as we are walking down the aisle, L is walking in front of me and I am holding his hand...he gets about halfway to where we are going and I hear this slow cry starting which quickly builds up to a full fledged cry as he turns around to me and puts his arms up and let's me know that he needs-to-be-picked-up-RIGHT-NOW-Mama-cuz-I-am-not-comfortable-here! So I pick him up and he wrapped himself around me, buried his face in my neck and clung on for dear life! He stopped crying, but continued to cling on to me for dear life. He dared here and there to peak out and check out his surroundings, but it took half of the mass for him to even want to do that. When he did dare to look around, he found that there ARE lots of interesting things to look at in a church, but I am pretty sure he still felt intimidated by the space and all the people. Each time the congregation started singing, he would cling a little tighter and peer out and around.

He did not make a peep until people started getting up to go up to communion, when he blurted out "Can we go home now?!" which resonated through the silent shuffling of those going up to partake in the eating of their savior (?!?!), and elicited a few chuckles.

After mass was over, and all the people were gone save for those of us attending the baptism, and the lights were dimmed down, he loosened up and played with his cousin while waiting for the baptism. So, honestly, I think it was more all of the people which made him nervous more so than anything else.

But still, W and I could not help but find a little bit of humor in L's reaction to mass. I cannot blame him, I feel a little traumatized each time I go myself ;0)


Sadly, the baptism just reaffirmed in my mind and my heart and my soul that I just do not want to baptize this child...We had this discussion again on the way home, and W is STILL of the mindset that we *have* to do it, so as not to cause waves, and so as not to freak the family out. For me, it comes back to the fact that to THEM, it really means something...to THEM, when we stand up there with them as witnesses, and we *promise* to raise our child in the catholic church, that is exactly what it is - a promise that we intend to raise them that way. And I have NO INTENTION what-so-ever of doing so, and neither does W. And although I may not hold the faith system in my heart, I still RESPECT it, and THEM, and THEIR faith in it. So, to me, it isn't fair to THEM to go up there and make those promises knowing full well that we do not intend to keep them, knowing that it REALLY MEANS something more to them.

And it's not fair to US that they cannot just be accepting of our decisions, and that we should feel that we have to do something against our better judgement in order to 'not offend the family'. What irritates me more than anything is that if we express our true spiritual beliefs, they will think differently of us? How is that? Are we not the same people they love day in and day out? The same loving, decent human beings? But finding out that we do not share their exact religious beliefs will somehow make them like or love us less?? Somehow make us lesser people? That is THEIR shortcoming, as far as I am concerned, and I am so tired of that way of conditionally being loved.

My father even came to me during dinner afterward and asked if we were going to have Father J (the priest who baptised my neices and L, who was joining us for dinner) baptize this baby also, and I was truthful when I said "Dad - we don't know WHAT we are going to do with this baby." And he said okay, but I know he didn't for one moment think that meant that we may NOT baptise the baby, just that we didn't know where or when.

This will be the next battle - for me personally and spiritually, for W and I (as I said, he is still very much of the camp that we just do it and move on), and for us and our families.

For me personally, I think it is the opportunity I need to take to come clean with MY family...I need to be true to MYSELF and true to MY JOURNEY. The hardest part of that is that this is not JUST my journey - OUR children are not just MY journey - they are W's also, and I need to respect his position in this journey as well. I need to figure out how to respect us both, and right now I have no idea how I am going to do that...

My baby and I WILL do this ourselves...

My doctor appointment yesterday has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

Weight was great, only one pound gained. Blood pressure was great as well; much better than last week in fact.

She went to check my cervix, and from her reaction, I would venture to guess that baby's head is even LOWER this week than it was last, if that is even possible. But it must be, because baby's head was so low that she could not even get proper position to check my cervix dilation.

After this, I made a statement about baby is going to be a conehead like her(his) brother, and she said could be, and followed that by saying "We will just have to see how it goes; it could be just a couple of easy pushes and baby will be out, but if not, we will need to send you over for a section - we aren't going to be using any suction or other measures with this baby"

I informed her I have no intention of having a c-section, and that I WILL push this baby out.

I know she is just trying to prepare me for the possibility, and I know that her thinking runs like this:

-L got his shoulder stuck behind my pelvic bone at the last minute, and she had to literally GO IN and turn him and pull him out, which did a fair amount of damage to me in the process. Damage from which I completely healed, so I am okay with that, by the way...

-This baby is and has been measuring ahead of the curve for awhile, and could very possibly be a large baby. L measured right on the mark my entire pregnancy and was 7lb 12oz when he came two weeks early, so I guess I can agree that there is the possibility this will be a good sized baby.

-L was extremely coneheaded. I know that it even had her worried for a little bit. I am thinking that since this baby has been riding head down and low since my 20 week Ultrasound just like L did, and is now SO LOW and has been for at least a week or so, that she is concerned that this baby will indeed be coneheaded, and that is the reason for not using any type of suction or other means of helping the baby out.

I am confident that she will give me a chance to have this baby, and am really hoping that my friend LO will be able to attend my birth, to help be my advocate during labor to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

OBVIOUSLY, if either of us are in distress, I want to and will do whatever is necessary to ensure we both come out of this healthy, but I just really really REALLY do not want a c-section, and SO want to have the experience of pushing this child out again, because honestly NOTHING compares to it, and even her trying to just prepare me for the *possibility* of not being able to do this as I want to makes me sad. Not to mention I am just so ready to be done. I just want this baby out of my womb and in my arms...

Goddess

"In ancient times women were considered Divine because we were known to bleed without dying and gave birth to new life. There is power in our bellies and wombs that deserves our honoring." (ALisa Starkweather)


I am feeling extremely sentimental and emotional today. There is so much I want to say that I can't figure out how to say any of it.

That quote up there? That is SO TRUE. And I think it has a lot to do with my disdain for the patriarchial religion I was raised in. I know it takes male and female to spark life, and I don't want to sound...superior? But really, how can one discount the power of our wombs? The ability of our bodies to nurture and birth life?

I am feeling sad and guilty today about wanting so badly to be done with this pregnancy. What if this IS the last time I do this? Will the magic fade? Will I forget the wonder and power that is the held within the female body and will I slowly forget to honor myself as the Goddess that I am?

I think not, and yet I am pondering these things today.

Will I do right by my children? Will they grow to be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, productive human beings?

Will they look at me with respect and pride when they are grown and becoming parents themselves, will their love be pure and white - or will their love for me be always intertwined with feelings of shame, disappointment, sadness, anger...love that is tainted, as my love for my parents is?

Will I be strong enough to finally FINALLY be open about my spiritual beliefs - although I am not sure exactly what they are, I am sure I do not have any intention of raising my children with in the church to be taught that we should love everyone and that god loves everyone, but that REALLY those who believe differently than us have it wrong - so although they are ok and we should love them, we should also try to convince them that our way is the right way. Will I be able to convince W that these are OUR CHILDREN, OUR LIFE, and we do not have to do anything because it is 'what is expected'. That in fact, that is EXACTLY what we should NOT teach our chilren?

I am starting to get nervous. I *am* very much looking forward to labor and childbirth - there are just not adequate words, or my brain is just not capable of forming them right now, that can describe the power that is contained in that act - but I AM getting nervous about it all going well. Regardless of technology and medical intervention - and maybe even because of it at times - childbirth is still a dangerous prospect. And I DO trust in my body's ability to do this physically, in MY ability to do this mentally, but that does not mean that I am beyond feeling fearful of something going wrong.

And then there are all the little superficial worries that are plaguing me lately...financial worries, and thinking that I will not be able to give these children more than I had; will we be able to afford the annual trip to the cabin that I SO have envisioned being a part of their lives? Will we lose our house? Will W find work? Will we be able to do things like send them to camp? When they want to play the violin, will we be able to scrounge together the money to buy the instrument so that they CAN?

Will my own shortcomings and flaws and neuoses be passed on to them, affect them, hold them back? Will *I* be strong enough to overcome these traits of mine and make choices and live my life in a way that will allow ME to be the best ME I can be, to be TRULY happy, to REALLY appreciate and honor and focus on what is REALLY important in life, which in turn will help them do the same and be the best that THEY can be?

And yet, I am confident that I *WILL* give them more than I had growing up. Because I think, I HOPE that I can nurture in them that pure, white love that is really so much more important than anything else I could give them. And I hope and think that I can help guide them be intelligent, caring, concious, open, accepting, compassionate, and productive human beings.

This post doesn't in any way come close to doing justice to all that I am feeling today, and came out as I expected it to - jumbled and not eloquent what-so-ever and insufficient, and I don't know, I just wanna cry and rejoice and scream all at once and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the damn emotions that I am feeling today.

Pregnancy updates

(Warning: Possibly more than you want to know pregnancy stuff.)

It's not that bad, but I just want to put that warning up there because this IS about pregnancy stuff...and maybe someone reads and just doesn't want to know about dilation and softening and pain etc, etc. So if you don't, then stop reading now.

So I had a checkup yesterday, 36 weeks 5 days pregnant, another 4# gained (it's all water at this point, it's all water...if I keep telling myself that I think I will be okay ;0) ) bringing my total weight gain to 40 pounds. As Kori would say, MEH. Whatever. I have lost more than that before, I can do it again.

I talked to the doctor about how I have been feeling the last couple of days, and she said that the contractions I have been feeling are probably the real deal, just early ones, and she was so funny cuz she started to get excited about checking my cervix! She said "I am excited to check and see what's happening down there!" She cracks me up. The she also said she was hoping something was happening, cuz she didn't want to have to tell me that there wasn't anything going on yet.

No worries there...she was hardly even up in there when she said "Whoa, baby is RIGHT THERE." Which doesn't surprise me. I pretty much could tell that from the way I have been feeling, and L was the same way. I mean, you should have seen the cone head on that boy. He even had the doctor worried for a bit. I will have to share that photo sometime, even though W HATES it, and curses me for showing ANYONE, and would totally delete it if he really knew where to find it...But I am SO glad I took it, because even *I* didn't realize how bad of a cone head he had until a couple months later when I looked at the photo and my jaw hit the floor. It was BAAD. But look at him now; he's got a fine head, and he is possibly the cutest little boy EVER. :0)

But anyway...so baby is right down in there, and my cervix is very soft and dilated to about a 2. So not much, but it is enough for me. At least something is happening. And I know I could walk around like this with no change for 2 or 3 more weeks, but I also know that I could go tonight.

We talked about the pain, and about bowel movements; but I won't subject you to that...THAT would be going a bit too far, I think. But basically, we came to the conclusion that the pain is coming from the baby being SO LOW and not from anything dire. Of course, if it continues, or gets worse, or if I have ANY doubts, she encouraged me to call OB and come in.

After my appointment with the doctor, I got to have another massage with my wonderful friend L. And whatever she did, she did right, cuz I must say I am feeling a lot better today than I did the whole beginning of this week. She relaxed something that was just way too wound, and I feel loose and good today. I was SO RELAXED and TIRED last night, and I crashed on the couch at 8:30 pm, which is pretty early for me. I feel refreshed today.

My friend L also did a little massaging of some various pressure points and muscle groups that can be helpful in encouraging the onset of labor. We will see.

On the name front, I am really kinda falling in love with the name Cretia. Cretia Lyn. Or maybe Lucretia Lyn, which I kinda like because I like the idea of both of the kids names starting with L. I could call her Cree for short. Most of my family and friends have recoiled when I say it (including W) save for a few who like it, but I really really think I like it and I really really think I don't care what any of them think. Except for W; I guess I really have to take his opinion into consideration, but I already told him that I have veto power on this one cuz he got to name L...hehehehe. Not that I would name our child something that he ABSOLUTELY HATED, like Chloe (he thinks it's a stripper name!) but I think if I REALLY feel like this baby is a Cretia, that I can convince him to go with me ;0). I guess we will see when the baby comes.