On being true to myself and my journey

I started this blog as a place to put down all of the thoughts that roll around inside my head, to be forced to put them together into a coherent grouping, which would hopefully help me figure some stuff out...

At that time, I had all these thoughts and questions about religion and spirituality and the like rolling around. I had recently read "Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd and "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamante, and was currently in the midst of another one of my periods of intense focus on my spiritual journey and trying to figure out what the hell I really DO believe and what the hell am I going to teach this child?

I was born and raised Catholic, baptised and confirmed...Both my father and mother grew up in homes where they went to mass every week, and their parents were very faithful followers. I believe we went on a regular basis when we were younger, but I remember that as I got to be 7 or 8 or so we started to become more of the "Cheaster" variety. We went to Religion classes on Wednesday nights until we were confirmed (around 8th grade, maybe?)

Even at a young age, so much of what they were teaching me didn't sit right...Even at a young age there seemed to be so much contradiction; contradiction in the teachings, contradiction in how the 'pious' in our congregation portrayed themselves and how they REALLY conducted themselves in day to day life. Some of the stuff I could just not swallow, for reasons unbeknown to me at the time, like the second class stature that women seemed to be meant to hold.

Things like: God is everywhere, but we have to go to this building in order to best communicate with him? (To take that one a bit further, our priest refused to marry anyone at an outdoor ceremony...if God is everywhere, why not?) God is all forgiving, but in order to be forgiven I have to confess my sins to some mortal man first? God is not man nor woman, but HE is God the FATHER? Only MEN are qualified enough or can be close enough to God to be priests or to serve during mass (such as being an alter boy)...

And the atmosphere that *I* grew up in at least, there was the understanding that if we questioned what we were taught that we were being unfaithful and that we just weren't good enough followers of Jesus Christ.

(I realize now that the way my young mind perceived some of the doctrine of the faith may be incorrect, and that I may find *some* acceptable answers and explanations should I take the time to sit down and talk about all this with someone who is knowledgeable in the faith and it's teachings...It's just a little too late for that with me...)

As I got into my teens, I started to refuse to go to mass, even on Christmas. It just didn't feel right. At that point I wasn't interested in figuring out why or what didn't fit, I just knew it had never felt right, and I didn't want to go.

I had met and was becoming friends with a woman at that time who is a Pagan, who by just being herself, began to introduce me to new things and ideas that intrigued me, and seemed to awaken something in me...for the first time in my life, I was hearing ideas and thoughts that felt *right* in my heart...we used to talk for HOURS, literally.

And yet, even though I could feel deep in my heart, in my SOUL that I had found something 'else' that rang more true with me than anything ever had, I still had the ingrained FEAR and DOUBT that came from things being pounded into my head for years...

In my early 20's I began to actively pursue my spiritual journey; to try and figure out what exactly I believed and where was I to go...I started to learn that there are soooo many belief systems out there (I know, that sounds ignorant, but all I was ever exposed to was Catholicism and a wee bit of the Lutheran faith...I mean, I knew there was other stuff out there, but we were always taught that those 'others' were wrong, and we were 'right'...and atheists - WHEW - what evil people THEY are...)

Through my friend I became more and more exposed to different people who defined themselves within the Pagan spectrum...

Eventually, through the internet, I became introduced to people of ALL different faiths, who believe in all different 'Higher Powers' and those who believe in no higher powers, and those who believe we just can't know one way or another. I began to learn that there are good people all across the board, and that just because something fit right for someone doesn't mean it is right for everyone, and that is OKAY. I began to accept that I CAN take a different path, and ultimately, it will be okay...

Throughout my 20's I have had phases were I was actively searhcing, seeking, questioning, and then times where the whole journey fell to the wayside.

When I got engaged, to a man with my same basic religious background and upbringing, who has claimed at times to be an atheist but in truth is more agnostic than anything, there was just no question that we would get married in a Catholic Church. It's what we knew, it's what was expected. Had we gotten married a few years later, I don't know that we would have done it just because it was expected. But alas, we did. Even then, I knew I had no intention of keeping the promises I was making in regard to living within the church and raising my children in the church...I will admit that there were times I felt guilty, because I knew I was in essence lying in the presence of God, and even if I didn't quite believe in their doctrines or their god, I can still respect their religion and their reasons, not to mention I felt guilty for being untrue to myself...So yeah, there was and is some guilt over that. But like I said, it was what I KNEW. My whole life I had dreamed of the day I would walk down the aisle on my daddy's arm and get married in the fashion that I had seen over and over growing up. That was definitely a time of searching and questioning and spiritual floundering for me.

After that came a short period of spiritual hiatus for me...I was going along, focusing on other things, and it wasn't at the forefront.

After we had been trying to conceive for awhile, it started to creep back in...I started to think about how I wanted to raise this child we were trying to conceive, what I wanted to teach him or her, all across the board, including in regard to religion...The question of baptism started to arise. All of the guilt and doubt I had felt during my journey away from Christianity came to the surface and it was something I never wanted my child(ren) to have to feel...I decided I never wanted them to feel guilty about following something that felt true to their SOUL, regardless of if it is what I believe or not. I wanted them to know that there are SO MANY MANY different beliefs out there, and that NONE of them are any more correct than the other; what works for some does not work for others.

I didn't want to baptize L. I knew it would be 'expected' and that to buck it would mean upheaval amongst 'the family'. W was adamant that although he didn't really want to do it either, that we HAD to do it, because if we didn't, we would alienate his grandmother and freak out his parents. I knew that not doing it would also probably set my parents on edge. But I knew that doing it would bring more guilt. I knew I would be standing there, once again making promises that I had NO INTENTION of keeping...promises that really meant something to those family that would be there witnessing it. My niece was born 6 weeks before L, and I was 8-1/2 months pregnant, sitting in church to witness her baptism, my gut turning, thinking more and more how I just would not be able to do it. How could I stand there and make those promises?

Well, I did. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to everyone and tell them the truth. Although my family knows we don't attend church, I don't think they know the extent of my journey away from the faith that they know. I am sure I don't give them enough credit, but I fear how they would look at me if I said "I don't know that I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God...I don't believe my baby needs to be baptized to be forgiven for some 'original sin' that the first woman brought upon us all".

So I did it, and I felt guilty while doing it; mainly I felt guilty for making those promises to my brother and my friend's daughter, whom we asked to be L's Godfather and Godmother. I feel like I lied to them. My friend L (the pagan from earlier in this crazy novel of a post) made me feel a little bit better about it...She convinced me that doing it to appease the older family members was not ALL bad, and that I could take the things away from it that I wanted and leave the rest behind.

After that came another short hiatus. Then I read "Dance" and "The Red Tent" on the heals of realizing some very feminist things about myself, and the wheels got to turning again..."Dance" is a book about a woman's journey away from her Southern Baptist roots and the patriarchal Christian society she grew up in and was surrounded by to the Sacred Feminine tradition. It spoke to me SO STRONGLY. So many of the things that had NEVER sat right with me were right there on the pages I was reading, being expressed by another woman. She laid out her story which relayed the same exact feelings of guilt and fear and anger and questioning that I had felt. It really helped me to accept the fact that what I was feeling and the journey I was taking, was okay, and that I was not the only one who felt as I did.

This pregnancy is once again bringing my journey and my desires of how I want to raise these children to the forefront. I do not want to stand in front of those people again and make false promises. I have wanted for a LONG time to be truthful with my family about my beliefs or lack there of...I wanted to let them know that I am not sure what I believe, but that I want my children to know that there are many different paths, and they are (mostly) all okay.

I decided on my way home last night that I need to talk to my brother about it. As I said, I have felt guilty since L's baptism, have felt I misled him. I want to sit down with him and be completely honest about my journey and let him know that although I was not fully honest, I still VERY MUCH want my son to be exposed to his faith; I very much want my brother to be a guiding light in his life...My brother has found a renewed faith in the Catholic church through his wife and her family, and I am VERY HAPPY for him that he has. I want L and this baby to see it working for someone, even if it doesn't work for me. I want him to pass on the knowledge of and faith in the teachings of Christianity without the jaded slant that would no doubt come with them learning the same from me.

I was wishing for a night beside the fire with him to sit and talk, just the two of us; or a cruise on the backroads, like in the old days, but I know that neither of those are going to come to be anytime in the future, and so instead I emailed him last night and requested that for my 30th birthday he give me the gift of his time. I asked that he make some time in the next week or two to go out to lunch or dinner with me, just that two of us, because I miss him and just want a chance for the two of us to actually talk. And that is 100% true. I DO miss him, something fierce...although we see each other at least every couple of weeks, and talk sometimes in between, it always with all the kiddos running around, and his wife there and W and we never really get to talk. I told him I also have been thinking about something for a LONG time that I want to talk to him about.

Just knowing that I am going to tell him has made me feel lighter. I realized that the weight of this has been greater than I had thought. It's not that I am lying to them, really, but just not really telling them everything, and really still putting on a show to a certain extent does not feel good. I just want to be able to be free. And I don't feel that I need their approval, per se, but I feel like I need to know that they still know that I am a good person, even if I don't believe exactly what they do from a faith standpoint. I mean, I am still the person they know, and I AM a good person. So, maybe I DO need their approval in a way.

I can tell you right now that I still don't know exactly WHAT I believe, or where I fit in, or where exactly I will go, but I have gotten to a place where I know that's okay. And that feels good.

I am hoping that spilling my guts to my brother will open the doors for me to let at least my family know about the path my journey has taken, and will give me the courage to not do things just because they are expected. I do not want to baptize this baby into the Catholic church, I would like to have a welcoming ceremony instead. I wish for the strength to be true to myself and the courage to tell others that this is what is going to be, we would love them to join us, but if they cannot deal with our decisions, it will be their loss, not ours.