Sometimes, when I stand up, it feels like this baby is going to fall out of me right here-and-now. (M-O-O-N, that spells baby**) Friday was 32 weeks down, about 8 to go, so the baby falling out of me right now would not be a good thing. 8 weeks early would not be so good.
I am sure it is normal, but I don't remember this feeling with L. At least not this early. I remember the last 3 weeks with L felt like this (and since I went 2 weeks early, I guess that would have been weeks 35-38), but I was dilated to between a 2-3 at that time as well as ripening. So feeling this way at 32+ weeks kinda freaks me out.
Not to mention the aching hips and pressure in my pelvic and va-jay-jay regions. When I stand up, I feel sore. VERY sore. THIS I do remember as happening this early with L; in fact with both pregnancies I have had this problem for quite a while at this point.
I guess there was an upside to being on bed rest last time. I was able to lay around and take my daily nap (or napS if I wanted) so the 3rd trimester exhaustion was not so noticeable. I have taken to drinking a caffeinated drink in the afternoons in order to make it through my work day. It's either caffeine or a nap, and the nap isn't happening most days, so it's gotta be the caffeine.
My goal right now is to make it through July 17th at work, and then hopefully my doctor will write me off of work for the remainder of the pregnancy. My work is 1-1/2 hours away from my Birthing Center, so I do not want to be at work when I go into labor. And I figure if I am this tired already, I can only imagine how I am going to feel in another 6 weeks. And due to vacations and such at work, it would be good if I could make it that long. However, we will see what the baby and my body have in mind, and if I need to be out of work earlier, so be it, they will just have to deal with it.
I have been trying to keep walking on a regular basis, my approximate 2 mile route with L to the duck pond, but have been doing it less and less. With the whole baby-falling-out-of-me feeling, those 2 miles feel longer and longer.
I had a moment of panic last night, and W had to tell me to breathe...It was that panic that starts to set in, the feeling that there is NOT MUCH TIME LEFT until this baby arrives, and OMG I need to get all the gear out (honestly, we don't have much 'gear'; a travel size swing, a bouncy chair and the carseat, really), go through the clothes and pull out a few things so the poor kid has at least a onsie to wear, pack a bag for my stay at the Birthing Center, Oh and CLEAN! I need to CLEAN things...I don't know what, just THINGS, ya know? W says "Jeez E, that's 7-1/2 weeks away yet! Calm down!" And I'm all "Yeah, ONLY 7-1/2 weeks! And what if the baby comes a couple of weeks early?! Then it's ONLY like 5 weeks!! That's only a MONTH!"
And O-M-G, am I ready for this? Am I ready to handle a 2-1/2 year old displaced mama's boy and an infant and a household and dinner and cleaning and work all on top of being sleep deprived? And please oh please oh please don't let this baby be a crier like my niece was or like the 7 week old I saw this weekend whose mom looked like she had just been put through a ringer and hadn't slept a wink in the last 7 weeks...(She has a toddler too; a toddler, who like L was SO EASY and laid back as an infant, which left her COMPLETELY unprepared for this second baby who was very VERY far from easy and laid back).
And not to mention, how am I possibly going to love this baby as much as I love L? I am still struggling with this, although everyone tells me that you just do. That somehow your heart grows again, and you love them just the same. Or if not just the same, at least with the same intensity. I never knew love like I have come to with L, and it seems impossible that I could love another the same. How can it ever be as special as the first? How damn sad is THAT for this poor baby? The fact that I cannot imagine myself loving her/him as much as I love L? I just know that all my wise mama friends MUST be right, and somehow, I just will...
It's all coming so fast now. And, as seems to be the rule, it cannot come fast enough on one hand, but is scaring the hell out of me on the other. I am REALLY trying to remember that I am a VESSEL, and to enjoy and savor these last days of sleep (even the decreased amount I am getting now is going to be A LOT more than I will be getting shortly), and to focus on the amazing miracle that is occurring inside of me, but I will say it is hard.
OH OH! And I forgot to add that W will *HOPEFULLLY* be starting on a job with one of his old employers this week that will last at least 3 months! YAY!! So please cross your fingers. That would be great. Not only would it be more money than unemployement, it would help extend his available unemployement by that amount of time, which would make it last through next winter and hopefully through the worst of the downturn, and not to mention the man just NEEDS TO WORK!!! He needs to get away from the house and be active. Although he has been doing things around the house, it's just not enough.
(**Let's see if anyone gets the book reference here...I couldn't resist...)
So Very Many Mixed Emotions
20 hours ago
4 comments:
Oh come on, EASY: The Stand. Tom Cullen. Loved it loved it loved it, so much so that I never would even THINK of watching the movie. just sain.'
I remember those days; with Owen it was just-well. Yeah, it seems like it is never oging to come, and yet no matter how ready you **think** you are, you still don't feel ready. Wish I could be there to help; I would.
This is where all those phone calls, meltdowns, crying jags come in handy...
I am right down the road from...just a hop, skip and a jump. I am here for whatever you need me to do. There is absolutely no shame in calling me, desperate or otherwise, and asking for help. I am pretty sure you have a lot of favors to call in so feel free to do so. You can send L over to play with the babes....
Everything you are feeling sounds completely normal to me. Second ones are harder on the body. Things are already stretched. But the labors can be shorter, which is good.
The part about not knowing how you can love another one the way you love your first? I felt so guilty my entire second pregnancy because I just KNEW I couldn't love another the way I loved my first. I felt so guilty I couldn't even tell anyone about this feeling.
Ha!
You just wait.
There's a whole part of your heart you didn't know you had. It's a beautiful thing.
LOL Kori - Yeah, too easy ;0) I loved that book so so much too...have read it probably 4 times, and love it no less each time. I *did* however see the movie...I was like 16 and it was a stoned out week at the cabin with a friend. Of course, you know which was better :0) Thanks for the words, friend.
R - Although we both know I do what I do not to accumulate returns, I may have end up taking you up on all or some of those offers :0) Although I have been feeling more and more weepy, I have a feeling those calls may come AFTER the baby is here and I am in the midst of sleep deprivation, sore nipples, spit up and toddler temper flare ups!
Ms. Moon - In my soul, I know you are right - and I cannot wait to discover that part of my heart of which I am as of yet unaware...I am sure it will happen the moment I hear this baby's cry and have her (okay, okay, or HIM) in my arms for the first time.
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