Nightmare

I awoke in the dark to him crying out, SOBBING, a sound that immediately cut through my heart, my soul, and I jumped up off the couch and I ran up the stairs, faster than I thought I could move at this point, and I took an extra step up at the landing and stumbled, but didn't fall and kept running up the rest of the steps because it was one of THOSE cries; an OMG I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NO JOKE sobbing, and did he fall out of bed? It's only 12" to the floor, and how could he get hurt falling out of there, but JEEZ, something is really wrong and OH MY poor poor baby Mama is coming.

When I got into his room I could see by the light of his radio that he was still in bed and his eyes were squeezed shut and he was SOBBING, and his face was streaked with tears and is he awake or is he sobbing in his sleep? And if I wake him will he know it's me or will it freak him out more? And I say "Shhhh Baby, L, it's okay, Mama's here, Shhhh Baby, what's wrong? Mama's here..." and I touch him on the cheek and he opens his eyes and he says as he is reaching for me "It BIT me, down der, it BIT me on da put" and one of his legs IS hanging off the bed, but what the hell would have BIT him? and I scoop him up and he wraps himself around me and hangs on for dear life and I say "Shhhh, mama is here, it's okay now Shhhh" and we rock in the chair and my shoulder is wet instantly with his tears and he nuzzles as tight into me as he can and he says again "It bit me" but there is no blood, and I just hold him tightly and once again we are tangled together as one and his fear is my fear and my hurt to help bear until finally he calms and his breathing slows and the hitching of his breath stops and finally I feel it is safe to ask if he is ready to lay back down in his big boy bed, but he points to our bedroom and whimpers, and then points to the empty crib and tells me he wants to sleep in his crib and of course, I oblige. He takes his 'beebee' (blanket) and his kitty and he wedges himself into the corner of his crib and covers himself and his face with his blanket and kitty and he drifts back to sleep. And I know he is feeling like his beebee and his kitty are his shield and if he covers up completely nothing can get him because I STILL do that when I have a bad dream, and I just wanna crawl in with him and hold him and take all his fear away.

And this morning he awoke happy and smiling and calling out his usual "Mama - can I go down da stairs?", his signal that he is up and ready and looking for me to come give him permission to get out of bed and come downstairs...And after I got him downstairs on the couch I checked his feet over and as I was looking at them he looked at me with wide eyes and said "A nake bit me. On my put. He bit me. Up der" and pointed upstairs and I said "Oh NO L, you just had a bad dream, there are no snakes in your room, nope, no snakes in our house" and he didn't believe me and said again that "a nake up der bit me" but I assured him again that there are no snakes in our house and he brightened up and said "No nakes? No nakes in our house ta git me?" and I assured him again, and I think he believed me, and I HOPE he believed me, and I think we may need to do some reassuring tonight to get him into his big boy bed again, and Oh my, his first nightmare and I just wanna take all the fear away...take it all away for him. And this is only the beginning. How am going to get through all the times when I want to take away all the pain, the dissapointment, the sadness, the emotional hurt, the unfairness that is life and I can't?? And I have to just be there to hold him and say Mama's here, but what about when that is not enough, but is all I can do?? And how will my heart come out the other side of motherhood intact after being shattered again and again?