Bye Bye my beloved Auntie R...say hi to my G-ma...

I just found out that my Auntie R passed away this morning.

Auntie R was really my GREAT Aunt, my dad's mom's twin sister. Being that my G-ma (her sister) passed away when I was like 12, which was close to 20 years ago, Auntie R has really been more like a grandma to my brother and I since then. It really was an easy transition; she looked more like my grandma than my grandma did at the end anyway, and she was just as sweet of an old lady as my grandma, and she loved us like grandkids anyway, not to mention we didn't have ANY of our grandparents left after her sister passed away, so why not. We did not see her a ton, but definitely felt a connection to her, and she to us...



This was Auntie R last summer with L at a family reunion (CORRECTION: I was not thinking when I wrote this...this photo was 2 summers ago). (Can you see the family resemblance? The pale and pasty color with the veins showing? Seriously, though, L and I definitely take after my dad's family, and in the larger version of this photo you CAN totally see a bit of family resemblance...) This was the last time I really got to spend any time with Auntie R with her mind completely intact. It was so great to see her, and for her to spend some time with my first born. L took to her right away, and I have an even sweeter photo of the two of them with him looking up into her eyes and she down into his.

The next time I saw Auntie R she was in a nursing home, and not doing so well. This was probably 6 months ago. She was still fairly mentally intact, but she seemed to really be withering away.

Last week, my mom called me and told me that Auntie R had been moved to the nursing home in our town, and that for her birthday (on Valentines Day) she wanted to have us all get together and go see Auntie R. ABSOLUTELY I was game...I had been thinking about her lately, and really was excited to go see her again.

I had this nagging feeling though, that instead of waiting until Valentines day, that we should go THAT weekend (which would have been last weekend). I didn't know why, just felt like we should.

Well, DAMMIT, I should have listened to my gut. Now I will be seeing her ONE LAST time in her casket at her wake. I am irritated right now. And sad. And feeling that regret of letting life get in the way of the really important things, and not spending enough time with someone when we have to chance.

UGH.

I know the last time I saw her though that I did impress upon her how much she meant to me in my life, and we shared a moment. It really kind of was a goodbye as at that time they didn't think she would make it much longer. So I guess I have that.

So, goodbye Auntie R. I really did love you and you really did mean a lot to me. Say hi to G-ma M for me, and G-Pa R, and keep an eye out for us from up there, k?

Love you.

Lunch

This is what I have been craving and eating for lunch lately...

YUMMMMM!!

(And yes, I made that myself :0) )

15.5 weeks *Warning, potentially boring pregnancy update*

Okay, so I am definitely feeling better and definitely starting to feel quite glow-y, which rocks!

At least in between the anxiety. But I am keeping that at bay for the most part, and if it gets too bad, I promise I will talk to my doctor about it. I know it is being partly brought on (or made worse) by the pregnancy, and the rational part of my brain knows that lying awake at night going over and over and over things and getting more and more anxious will not change what is going to happen.

Enough of that though, I did not come here to blog about that. I am trying to not think about THAT. On a mostly unrelated topic, I have a weird, probably insightful, may make you think I am a nut job kind of post brewing, that I hope to share with you sometime soon, but the timing will have to be right, and it just hasn't been yet.

I DID come here to blog about 15.5 weeks, though. 15.5 down, 24.5 give or take a couple to go. As I said, I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER, and I am so thankful for that. I finally broke out the maternity pants over the weekend, I was still able to wear my regular pants with a hair binder through the button hole, but it was getting pretty uncomfortable so I had to give in. I am enjoying it, though, as I am getting enough of a belly that most anyone can tell I am pregnant (and SERIOUSLY, if you think this is a gunt when you see me, get real, I have never, and will never have a gunt!), but the rest of me hasn't gotten any bigger (well, my boobs have), so I actually feel like a *cute* pregnant lady...you know those ones whose bodies stay exactly the same, only they have this cute little basketball in the front. I am going to enjoy it while I can, as I am sure that by then end, I will be looking like a line backer or mack truck again...

I have a check up tonight. At this point they are pretty boring; weight check (actually kinda looking forward to this, as of last week I was down a pound, which means I hadn't gained ANYTHING yet!) blood pressure check, listen to babies hearbeat, and I'm outta there. I am going to take L with me though this time...I think it will be fun for him to hear the heartbeat; maybe, just maybe if we listen to his heartbeat, and my heartbeat, and then the babies heartbeat, it will help him understand that there REALLY IS something in there.

I am REALLY getting anxious now to feel the baby move...I have felt something here and there that *could* be her (or him, but just know now that from here on out, even though we will not know until birth for sure, I will be referring to the baby as her, for ease of blogging, and cuz I do hope this one is a her!), but it could also be gas, or just weird muscles I never knew I had growing or moving. Really anytime now I could start feeling her. That is going to make it so much more real, and that is when the bond will really start forming.



My baby is now about 4" long, and the size of a softball. She can bend her arms at the elbows and wrists, make a fist, and suck her thumb. She is moving around in there, even though I don't feel her yet. She is really starting to look human!

In another 4 weeks I will get to have my ultrasound, and even though we won't find out the sex, it is still fun to see your baby in there, looking all human, doing tricks, and to see that all organs are as they should be and to hear that all is well so far.

All I see is Love...

I just stopped to see Erika over at Be Gay About It and check out her post today and I hope you will jump over there and check out the link she posted.

When I watch that video, all I see is Love. So much beautiful, pure Love. And it made me cry, and yes, it breaks my heart too. I just don't understand, and never will, how someone, ANYONE feels that they have the right, or responsibility or mission or whatever to come between the bright shining Love I see when I watch that video...

Thanks for that Erika. Your day will come. Love WILL prevail.

Funny...

I'm sorry, but I find this HILARIOUS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjMRydqBSJ4

Giving in...

Let me just say that giving in to pregnancy food cravings is even better than giving in to stoned food cravings...

Dude in my office gets a DQ daily special value meal EVERY DAY and EVERY DAY I sit in my office with my mouth watering to the smell of the greasy burger and french fries.

Today, I decided I just couldn't smell it without tasting it, and I just finished scarfing down the best greasy, cheesy fast food double cheeseburger and crunchy, delicious deep fried french fries I swear I have ever eaten. And while eating it, I seriously pondered over how that giving in was more fabulous than any meal I ever ate to fulfill a case of the 'munchies'...

*SIGH**

Now I just need a nap....

Snippets of life stuff...

It is getting noticeably lighter on my drive to work in the mornings...A reminder that this bitter cold, dark, restricting winter cannot last forever. Warm, green, light times full of birth and growth and fresh garden goodies and evening walks to the duck pond with L and picnics and Farmers' Markets and parades and BBQ's and bare toes in soft grass and lazy days in the sun WILL return.

*SIGH*

I must just be patient for a bit longer. It is on the horizon.

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Maybe it was the noticeably lighter drive, or the fact that the final tendrils of the flu have finally left our house, but I felt absolutely WONDERFUL on the way to work this morning...Better than I have felt in so long. I felt that 'pregnancy glow' you hear about.

I have decided that I am definitely NOT a person who loves being pregnant. I LOVE the outcome of it, and I do love PARTS of it; feeling the baby move inside of me, knowing that I am literally growing a life inside of me, the wonderful primal sense of empowerment that comes with labor and childbirth (think I am woman, hear me ROAR!), but for the most part, I could REALLY REALLY just skip this part and go right to the wonderful prize at the end. I am definitely feeling SUPER inpatient this time, and decidedly more selfish about giving my body over to this baby for 10 months + however long she/he decides to nurse, and definitely NOT reveling in the attention which is piled upon pregnant women from everyone from family to complete strangers. All of these feelings make me feel incredibly guilty. I *KNOW* the pain of wanting it SO BAD and feeling like it will never happen. I *KNOW* the pain of finally succeeding only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you just as soon as you settle into feeling comfortable and happy in your success. I *KNOW* how I would have liked to seriously murder a pregnant woman who would say these things when I was on the other side trying so desperately to get in. So I hate that I feel impatient and selfish.

This morning, though, in my moment of basking in the 'pregnancy glow' I did not feel any of these things...I was thinking about how wonderful it was going to be to feel this baby start to move around inside of me...to get to know her/his sleep and waking patterns and to see how this baby behaves differently or the same as L did in the womb. I felt really good about being right where I am at in this pregnancy, and so I only hope that as I continue to feel better in this second trimester I can continue to just sit back and enjoy this time and really relish it as probably the last time that I will ever experience growing a human being inside of me.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize...

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I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio for awhile now and his guidelines and financial ideals really make sense. I have been wanting to get his book(s), and have REALLY been needing to get a handle on our money situation. We really need to actively start controlling our money, rather than wondering where the heck it goes. We should absolutely be able to have a safety net in savings much larger than what we have (we have one mortgage payment, which I realize is more than most people have, but it is really not enough.) I should not have to dread balancing the check book and paying the bills, at least not as much as I do now.

It is partly my fault...I have really been slacking on buying food for lunches for W and letting him eat fast food for lunch every day. Partly my fault for not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough, and MAKING him be accountable for the money he spends...partly my fault for marrying someone SO OPPOSITE me in our financial ideals and who has never really had to be responsible or pay attention to where to money goes (neither before his relationship with me nor since the start of it) and for never MAKING him have to take part in the responsibility of figuring out how to pay all the bills on time...We both know and have always known that were something to break up our relationship, it would be financial dischord...

So last night I sat down and did a budget. And I MADE him be a part of it. I MADE him go through it with me and SEE where the numbers come from and where the numbers go...I have done this before, and have always gotten to a point where I was tired of fighting with him on it, and we have fallen back into our same old ways. But this time, it HAS to be followed through. Things are going to be tighter than they ever have once this new baby arrives...Things beyond our control are more uncertain than ever, and we are LITERALLY one set back or disaster away from becoming a statistic. Although we may be 'okay' now, and not struggle as much as so many other people I know, we are by no means financially secure, and it is time for us to buckle down and face reality just like so many others need to do right now.

So we came to some agreements. And although I know it will still be more in my court to ensure that we both follow through, I AM making him become partly responsible for managing his money...He will no longer have his check card (something we BOTH know he is just not capable of using responsibly, as he has no connection to what's ACTUALLY left in the account) but will be getting a set amount of money each week IN CASH, and he will have to make it last and once it's gone, it's gone. I have been kind enough (as an ex-smoker) to keep his cigarettes in the budget as a necessity and they will be covered, but energy drinks and beer and whatever else he spends his freaking money on come out of his small cash allowance and once it's gone, too bad.

Sometimes I REALLY REALLY hate the fact that I have to treat him like a child in this aspect, rather than a partner...I hate that he isn't more on the same page financially as me, I hate that he is so laid back about it all and so "Oh, it will work itself out" about it (because IT doesn't just work itself out, it NEVER has, *I* work it all out) and that really, he is so immature about it. But this is who he is...he is very laid back about most everything in life, which is part of what attracts me to him...he balances my unrelenting uptightedness (is that a word??) and helps me let loose and laugh...and I knew this when I married him, and I married him despite of and because of this, all at the same time. But sometimes it is SO frustrating and tiring and makes me wonder...SIGH.

But I am hopeful and determined that this time it will stick and that he WILL learn to be at least a LITTLE bit responsible and a little bit more of a partner in this with me...And I bought a used copy of one of Dave Ramsey's books to help keep me on track and help keep me motivated.

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Oh, oh I forgot...I saw the most annoying commercial last night...annoying on so many levels.

It was for a tax debt relief company, you know 'Do you owe the IRS money? Well we can help!' and there were all these people saying 'We owed the IRS $17,000, but we only PAID $2,000!' 'We owed the IRS $200,000 but we only PAID $8,000!' and the best of all 'We owed the IRS $3 Million but we PAID less than $1 million!!"

Every admission was followed by this happy, coniving smile.

SERIOUSLY? If you owe the IRS $2K or $17K or ESPECIALLY $3 MILLION, you are obviously making some money and you have OBVIOUSLY been doing something ILLEGAL by AVOIDING PAYING YOUR FUCKING TAXES in the FIRST place, and you are PROUD that you got away with ILLEGALLY AVOIDING TAXES and THEN strapping the REST of us who PAY our taxes with your burden as you snake your way out of paying taxes that you should have paid in the first place????

Am I the only one who sees something morally wrong with this? I mean, c'mon, we all look for every break we can get when it comes to taxes, but I definitely don't AVOID my taxes and I pay my share and I definitely find it morally not acceptable to illegally avoid taxes and then brag about how I hired a fucking lawyer to beg, borrow and steal my way out of paying taxes that I evaded in the first place.

UGH, pissed me off.