Pregnancy updates

(Warning: Possibly more than you want to know pregnancy stuff.)

It's not that bad, but I just want to put that warning up there because this IS about pregnancy stuff...and maybe someone reads and just doesn't want to know about dilation and softening and pain etc, etc. So if you don't, then stop reading now.

So I had a checkup yesterday, 36 weeks 5 days pregnant, another 4# gained (it's all water at this point, it's all water...if I keep telling myself that I think I will be okay ;0) ) bringing my total weight gain to 40 pounds. As Kori would say, MEH. Whatever. I have lost more than that before, I can do it again.

I talked to the doctor about how I have been feeling the last couple of days, and she said that the contractions I have been feeling are probably the real deal, just early ones, and she was so funny cuz she started to get excited about checking my cervix! She said "I am excited to check and see what's happening down there!" She cracks me up. The she also said she was hoping something was happening, cuz she didn't want to have to tell me that there wasn't anything going on yet.

No worries there...she was hardly even up in there when she said "Whoa, baby is RIGHT THERE." Which doesn't surprise me. I pretty much could tell that from the way I have been feeling, and L was the same way. I mean, you should have seen the cone head on that boy. He even had the doctor worried for a bit. I will have to share that photo sometime, even though W HATES it, and curses me for showing ANYONE, and would totally delete it if he really knew where to find it...But I am SO glad I took it, because even *I* didn't realize how bad of a cone head he had until a couple months later when I looked at the photo and my jaw hit the floor. It was BAAD. But look at him now; he's got a fine head, and he is possibly the cutest little boy EVER. :0)

But anyway...so baby is right down in there, and my cervix is very soft and dilated to about a 2. So not much, but it is enough for me. At least something is happening. And I know I could walk around like this with no change for 2 or 3 more weeks, but I also know that I could go tonight.

We talked about the pain, and about bowel movements; but I won't subject you to that...THAT would be going a bit too far, I think. But basically, we came to the conclusion that the pain is coming from the baby being SO LOW and not from anything dire. Of course, if it continues, or gets worse, or if I have ANY doubts, she encouraged me to call OB and come in.

After my appointment with the doctor, I got to have another massage with my wonderful friend L. And whatever she did, she did right, cuz I must say I am feeling a lot better today than I did the whole beginning of this week. She relaxed something that was just way too wound, and I feel loose and good today. I was SO RELAXED and TIRED last night, and I crashed on the couch at 8:30 pm, which is pretty early for me. I feel refreshed today.

My friend L also did a little massaging of some various pressure points and muscle groups that can be helpful in encouraging the onset of labor. We will see.

On the name front, I am really kinda falling in love with the name Cretia. Cretia Lyn. Or maybe Lucretia Lyn, which I kinda like because I like the idea of both of the kids names starting with L. I could call her Cree for short. Most of my family and friends have recoiled when I say it (including W) save for a few who like it, but I really really think I like it and I really really think I don't care what any of them think. Except for W; I guess I really have to take his opinion into consideration, but I already told him that I have veto power on this one cuz he got to name L...hehehehe. Not that I would name our child something that he ABSOLUTELY HATED, like Chloe (he thinks it's a stripper name!) but I think if I REALLY feel like this baby is a Cretia, that I can convince him to go with me ;0). I guess we will see when the baby comes.

Pain

(Warning: possibly TMI pregnancy type stuff)

Since Monday I have been having pains. They are coming from the lower part of my uterus, or maybe from some organ behind my uterus, but they are down low. They are sharp. They are not consistent, but they have been off and on all day, each day. I cannot say that they necessarily get better or worse if I change position. I cannot necessarily link them consistently to tightening, so I can't really say if they are contractions or not. My lower back is also very achy, like when Aunt Flo is visiting, which I KNOW for sure I experienced during labor last time. And between the sharp pains I am achy in front like I am when Aunt Flo is around, which I ALSO know I experienced during labor last time. The pains seem better after I have been laying down all night, which makes me think that it is more something like the baby is putting pressure on my bowels and as 'things' try to pass through there, they are causing the pain. I know with my last pregnancy I had REALLY painful gas issues, so it could REALLY be that. Or something like that. I know the baby has dropped more at some point in the last week too.

So I don't really know what it is. I didn't think much of it Monday or yesterday, just thought it would pass, but now it's the third day, and seems to be getting worse, and I really kinda just wanna cry. If this is the beginning of labor, I wish it would just get a move on - and if this is something else, I hope it stops soon, cuz I just don't know how I will make it through another couple of weeks feeling like this.

I've got a call in to my doctor to verify what I can take for stool softeners, cuz I really just think it has to do with that. Hopefully she calls back soon and I can get my butt to the store and get something to rememdy the situation. And either way, I KNOW I can drink some prune juice, and that should help. **Crossing fingers**

Okay, I am done whining. For now.

On a completely different note:

W and I have plans to take L to pick strawberries on Saturday morning. I NEED my strawberries so I can make my jelly for the next year; I just CANNOT do store bought jelly anymore, and I just cracked my last jar from last year this morning. L is going to have SO MUCH FUN! We planted a few strawberry plants in our garden this year, and he had so much fun always checking them for berries, but they have pretty much produced all they are going to for this year. I know it may be a little difficult having him pick at the berry farm since he is only 2.5, but I figure this way I can let W do most of the actual *picking* and I can mostly keep an eye on L...hehehe. Cannot WAIT for some fresh picked strawberries!!

He did it! And the 4th and other things...

L is back in his 'big boy' bed! YAY! Last night was the second night back in it, and both nights went well. W got him in it on Sunday night, and I am thinking it was a *little* bit against what L wanted to do, but there was no crying going on, so he obviously didn't have to force him. And last night, I just did the same thing, said "Ya ready to lay down in your bed?" and he said he wanted to lay in his crib and I just said "I think you need to sleep in your big boy bed, you love your bed! You slept here last night, let's try again!" and ushered him in, covered him up and left the room. He slept through the night again, so I am hoping we have made it past his first nightmare.

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Yesterday I arrived at work and was overwhelmed by the sudden need to get everything caught up and organized and ready for me to be gone RIGHT NOW . I was nesting. Or actually, a better description of what I was doing was PANICKING! So I spent the morning going through all my personal things that had piled up around my desk, cleaned my office and my desk off, and got some information sheets written up on the LARGE projects I have going so the person(s) who takes over for me has some idea of what's going on with each project, and so that important actions and billings do not fall through the cracks. I feel much better today about leaving work at any time.

I do NOT, however, feel the same way on a personal / home level. I have no bag packed for the hospital (and I seriously want my own shampoo and body wash and pajamas - last time I wore the hospital gown the whole time, and am wondering why I didn't bring my own comfy jammies?), I have not gone through L's old clothes to pull out the bare newborn neccessities, the house feels like it is a mess (which will only get 10x worse once we bring the baby home, so I would like to at least START with a very tidy, clean house), etc etc. Honestly? None of that really matters, and the baby will be just fine if I get none of that crap done, but I really want to for my OWN sanity's sake.

I think I may find a positive side to W being laid off when the baby arrives, assuming he has not found work by then...It will be nice for him to be home with me for the first little while and to have that time bonding with the baby. I HOPE he finds work ASAP, but if not, I am going to just focus on THAT aspect of it and not worry, for the time being.

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I took L out of the bath the other night, after letting him soak in some epsom salt and baking soda to clear up some butt rash he had, and as I was drying him off and applying lotion and he told me he didn't want to put his diaper on yet, which I said was fine, we would let his bum air out a bit, which would help it feel better, to which he replied,

"Mama? Can I play wit my penis?"

!!!!!!

Usually, he tells me "I touched my penis", but he has never actually asked if he could play with it! I told him that it is HIS penis, and he can do what he wants with it...I don't want to make him feel awkward about his sexuality at all, and I think maybe I should have just added that that is something we do in private, but to be honest, he took me by surprise, and I guess I will add that part in next time.

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We had a good 4th of July, although I can't believe it is over already, and now it kinda feels like summer is on the downslide already. I KNOW it's not - there is plenty of summer left, and after that comes fall, which I love probably more than summer, although I think I love Spring, Summer and Fall equally well, but I just know that before I know it, it will be Christmas again, and then L will be turning 3 and then I will be 60.

Not that there's anything wrong with 60.

Just sayin' that life is going faster and faster and sometimes I just don't like it.

It doesn't help that I am at that point in my pregnancy when I just wanna curl up and sleep until the baby comes. I don't want to talk to anybody; I am just too tired and crabby to chit chat or tell them AGAIN what my due date is, or how long I have left, or about how ready to be done I am, or to answer the question "Are you getting hot yet?" It's fucking 95 and humid and I weigh half a ton; WTF do you think?. My phone rings and I cringe - usually they get my voicemail and I may call back in a timely fashion. I don't have much energy to play with L, and I feel bad that I have to tell him that Mama can't do this or Mama can't do that cuz Mama is just too tired and big, because he just doesn't understand why his usually playful Mama just wants to lay on the couch. I can't make the walk to the duck pond anymore; in fact, most days I don't feel up to making it the 5 blocks to my mother in laws house. It is wearing on both L and I, as we are used to our evening walks after dinner. I miss getting outside and I miss the bit of Mama and L time we get and I miss de-stressing by surrounding myself with nature after being around all that damn technology and electronic CRAP all day...

But then I remind myself that I *AM* almost done, no matter if I go early or late, the end *IS* in sight, and that when it is all over, I *WILL* be sad that I may never ever again get to feel life forming inside of me; never again get to be a vessel for what truly is a miracle, and wasn't I JUST SAYING how life is going TOO fast and here I am wishing the days away and counting them down when I should really just be relishing each and every moment for whatever it is because they are each so precious, and that is what life is about.

***SIGH***

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I have a checkup tomorrow, and as much as it hurts, I am anxious to have the doctor check me and to know if I am ripening at all yet. With L, I was walking around dialated to almost a 3 at this point. Granted, I walked around like that for a couple of weeks, but just to know that the process is beginning does wonders for my mental state :0) Not to mention it would be nice to know if the contractions I have been feeling, which are probably just Braxton Hicks (uncomfortable BH ctx, I might add!) are starting to spark some changes down there. I sure do hope so.

Coming to it on his own

So L still won't sleep in his big boy bed after his snake nightmare the other night. He slept there for naptime on Monday and Tuesday, when he was home with W those two days, but when it comes to bedtime, at NIGHT, he's not havin it. Monday night he crawled into his big boy bed for about 10 minutes, but must have gotten to thinking about his dream, cuz then he was crying and adamant that he wanted to go into his crib.

Even after showing him multiple times that there are no snakes under his bed, and also telling him that his (stuffed) kitty and our other cats would eat any snakes that DID try to get into the house, he still wasn't convinced that it was okay.

W is of the mindset that we need to 'just make him sleep in his bed'...that somehow FORCING him to sleep there will miraculously make him get over his fear. *I*, on the other hand, am of the opinion that we continue to try and convince him that it is safe, and *try* to talk him into sleeping in the bed, but if he insists, that we let him sleep in the crib, and that sooner or later (and probably sooner) he will get over it and be back in his big boy bed. (So far, I am winning, lol ;0)) I can somewhat see his point and what he is thinking, but I still don't think forcing him to sleep there is the right way to go about it.

So, I will just keep trying to convince W that letting him come about it on his own is the right way to go about it, and hope that L decides soon that it is okay to sleep there in the dark.

Nightmare

I awoke in the dark to him crying out, SOBBING, a sound that immediately cut through my heart, my soul, and I jumped up off the couch and I ran up the stairs, faster than I thought I could move at this point, and I took an extra step up at the landing and stumbled, but didn't fall and kept running up the rest of the steps because it was one of THOSE cries; an OMG I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NO JOKE sobbing, and did he fall out of bed? It's only 12" to the floor, and how could he get hurt falling out of there, but JEEZ, something is really wrong and OH MY poor poor baby Mama is coming.

When I got into his room I could see by the light of his radio that he was still in bed and his eyes were squeezed shut and he was SOBBING, and his face was streaked with tears and is he awake or is he sobbing in his sleep? And if I wake him will he know it's me or will it freak him out more? And I say "Shhhh Baby, L, it's okay, Mama's here, Shhhh Baby, what's wrong? Mama's here..." and I touch him on the cheek and he opens his eyes and he says as he is reaching for me "It BIT me, down der, it BIT me on da put" and one of his legs IS hanging off the bed, but what the hell would have BIT him? and I scoop him up and he wraps himself around me and hangs on for dear life and I say "Shhhh, mama is here, it's okay now Shhhh" and we rock in the chair and my shoulder is wet instantly with his tears and he nuzzles as tight into me as he can and he says again "It bit me" but there is no blood, and I just hold him tightly and once again we are tangled together as one and his fear is my fear and my hurt to help bear until finally he calms and his breathing slows and the hitching of his breath stops and finally I feel it is safe to ask if he is ready to lay back down in his big boy bed, but he points to our bedroom and whimpers, and then points to the empty crib and tells me he wants to sleep in his crib and of course, I oblige. He takes his 'beebee' (blanket) and his kitty and he wedges himself into the corner of his crib and covers himself and his face with his blanket and kitty and he drifts back to sleep. And I know he is feeling like his beebee and his kitty are his shield and if he covers up completely nothing can get him because I STILL do that when I have a bad dream, and I just wanna crawl in with him and hold him and take all his fear away.

And this morning he awoke happy and smiling and calling out his usual "Mama - can I go down da stairs?", his signal that he is up and ready and looking for me to come give him permission to get out of bed and come downstairs...And after I got him downstairs on the couch I checked his feet over and as I was looking at them he looked at me with wide eyes and said "A nake bit me. On my put. He bit me. Up der" and pointed upstairs and I said "Oh NO L, you just had a bad dream, there are no snakes in your room, nope, no snakes in our house" and he didn't believe me and said again that "a nake up der bit me" but I assured him again that there are no snakes in our house and he brightened up and said "No nakes? No nakes in our house ta git me?" and I assured him again, and I think he believed me, and I HOPE he believed me, and I think we may need to do some reassuring tonight to get him into his big boy bed again, and Oh my, his first nightmare and I just wanna take all the fear away...take it all away for him. And this is only the beginning. How am going to get through all the times when I want to take away all the pain, the dissapointment, the sadness, the emotional hurt, the unfairness that is life and I can't?? And I have to just be there to hold him and say Mama's here, but what about when that is not enough, but is all I can do?? And how will my heart come out the other side of motherhood intact after being shattered again and again?

In bloom

As I was leaving the house this morning, I noticed that this plant, that hangs in our laundry room / cat room / entry / sun room (not that you could sit in there, it literally is a little entry way that at one point was built onto the outside corner of the house, but it has lots of windows and is sunny) is in bloom.

I have had this plant for almost 6 years, and it has never had flowers on it before. I did not even know it COULD grow flowers. Weird. And pretty. And, I will tell you this as I laugh at myself; when I saw them, I actually reached out to touch them while thinking "Are those REAL?" Ya know, like you might do at someone ELSE'S house when you see a pretty plant / flower and you don't ACTUALLY KNOW whether or not the plant is real, so you reach out to touch it....Yeah...I am claiming innocence on that little momentary lapse of clarity and blaming it, once again, on preggo brain.

I don't know what type of plant this is, but it is my favorite houseplant, because it is unique (as far as vining house plants go) and because of how it came to be mine...W says I 'stole' it, but I did no such thing...I just *accidentally* broke a little piece off of a plant that was for sale at Target while shopping one day - literally, it was ONE LEAF AND ABOUT 1" OF STEM - and took it home and nursed that little clipping until it sprouted enough roots to plant. And today, it is a big beautiful thriving house plant. Which I am proud of. And think is unique and beautiful and which decided out of the blue that it should sprout some flowers and bloom.

Huh.

Happy Anniversary to W and I...

(Please note that this was intended to be posted Thursday, as that was our anniversary, but I got busy and didn't have time to finish it that night...Also note that this post is just a long trip down memory lane for me and may be a little boring for you :0))


W and I got married 4 years ago today. It was a gloriously sunny day; not a cloud in the sky. It was hotter than hell, like 98 or better, but not a drop of humidity, THANKFULLY. Had it been humid, it would have been miserable. I remember it had been an unusually rainy spring; it rained EVERY WEEKEND for the 7 weekends before our wedding date, and I remember being EXTREMELY worried that it would rain on MY BIG DAY. But, it didn't :0)

W and I spent the night before the wedding apart; my girls and I stayed at the house and booted him out to spend the night at his best man's house...I woke up that morning, rolled over in bed, looked my best friend of 21 years (since we were 5!), R, in the eyes and said "I'm getting MARRIED today!!!!" to which she replied "I know!!!" LOL...it really was the perfect start to a perfect day. There was something very surreal about waking up next to her; it brought me back to when we were kids having sleepovers (which happened often) and it just didn't seem possible that we could be adults, in our mid 20's, her with a babe at home and another on the way, and me getting married...It felt like maybe it was all a dream and we were REALLY still just kids, prentending it was my wedding day.

She was 6 mos pregnant at the time, R was, with her second babe, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I now fully and COMPLETELY can comprehend just how good of her it was to stand up there, in the 98 degree heat, in a modified bridesmaid dress, in a Catholic Church, have tons and tons of photos snapped, stand up and make a toast in front of 275 pairs of eyes, and dance the night away with me all while being 6+ mos pregnant. Not that she would have ever said no - I know it meant alot to her to be a part of my day, but it had to have been hard. Now that I have been pregnant myself, I can say that in NO WAY would I be excited about the prospect of doing all that crap at 6+ months pregnant. I would TOTALLY want to be part of my friend's day, and would TOTALLY do it, but I am sure it was by no means an EASY, super enjoyable day for her. Her part in my special day means even more to me now that I can understand it from that perspective :0)

We got married in a Catholic Church because it was what we knew and what was 'expected' of us. Growing up, that was the only kind of wedding I ever saw, and so my dreams of my wedding day had always been shaped around that. Although I had already moved far FAR away from the religion of my childhood at that point, I was not far enough along in my journey and not strong enough at that point to do it any other way. And I do not regret it, but will say that if I had it to do over again NOW, I would definitely do it different. The only part of it that truly bugged me was the part of the vows that talked about promising to accept the children that god gave us and to bring them up in the Catholic Church...I already had NO INTENTIONS of doing any such thing.

I always thought W would be the nervous one, but as it turns out, *I* shook like a LEAF through the entire ceremony...W was holding my hands and at more than one point had to ask me if I was okay I was shaking so hard. But I made it through, and only sounded a *little* silly as my voice got higher and higher pitched as I recited my vows, so that by the time I said "I do" I am 99.9% sure I squeaked that part out sounding like a mouse. And we only had one awkward moment when the 90 some odd year old ancient priest decided to take a little nap in his chair after communion, and the music had ended and everyone in the church started rustling around uncomfortably, not sure what to do next...I am pretty sure this was when R and I looked at each other and got the giggles, which we were SOMEHOW able to contain to the SILENT giggles, which probably didn't look any different to all the people in the pews than all the SHAKING I had been doing throughout the ceremony anyway.

My brother gave a great TEARFUL speech at dinner, my dad a drunken speech, my friend R a truthful heartfelt one...We ate, and visited and drank (well not me - just a little wine with dinner, but W, he drank...along with a lot of others who had their fill!) we danced, we celebrated, we loved. I got told over and over how I was the most radiant bride people had ever seen; that the love that W and I share was pouring out of us so visibly that day. And it was. And it does. I felt absolutely beyond beautiful that day...which is a feat for me...My self esteem has come a long way since I was a kid / teen, but I still have trouble seeing myself as beautiful, even though people tell me so, but that day, I had no troubles feeling it what-so-ever.








We partied after the reception at our house with our wedding party and some close friends...I remember busting out our bong and smoking some in front of my now sister in law, who was just starting to get serious with my brother at the time, and who probably had some knowledge that W and I were not so straight laced, but had probably never seen pot or a bong in her life, but I didn't care - it was my day and my house. I am pretty sure I went to bed around 4am, in my wedding dress and W came in as the sun came up and the birds were singing good morning.

Most of the wedding party and some of the friends crashed at our place, strewn around our house on couches, chairs and the floor...we were awoken at about 7:30 am by my crazy dad pounding away in the front yard, installing some stone steps that W had been meaning to get to for a while. LOL...my crazy dad...yeah.

I spent a lot of that next day still in my wedding dress and all my dolled up hair and makeup. I figured shit, I paid all that money for all that stuff, might as well enjoy it for as long as possible, right? Although I didn't spend too much money - I bought my dress off the rack on clearance for $100, and only spent $30 on alterations - Yeah baby ;0)



(7 Mile Beach, Negril Jamaica)

We left on Tuesday to spend a week in Negril, Jamaica on our honeymoon, and I will just say that that week was honestly the best week of my life. I have never felt so relaxed, happy and so deeply in love as I did that week. I have never seen such natural beauty as that of the white sandy beaches, teal greenish - blueish clear Caribbean water, the wildness of the jungle as we traveled inland to take a day trip to hike up a stream. THAT was a trip...from stopping on the side of a mountain on the way up to visit a true to live Rasta man who hacked us up fresh pineapple, that he had just picked, with a machete, while trying to get as many marlboro's off us as he could, with a huge doobie hanging out of his mouth the entire time; to eating fresh mango that our tour guide pulled from the mineral spring (OMGOD heavenly), to jumping from a cliff, to diving under the water to pass through a hole in this rock under the water (that was nuts - W wouldn't do it, but I did - I wouldn't do it again, but I am glad I did it once!), to our bus getting pulled over by the police on the way back to our resort. Seems they had some little issues with our driver's paperwork. The 'police', by the way, carried fucking machine guns, and I will be completely honest in saying that I was FREAKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT as they argued with our driver...I kept thinking 'maybe they AREN'T the police...'. After hasseling our driver for awhile they let us pass, and I was able to relax again...



I pushed beyond my fears of the water and spent lots of time swimming, did a little snorkeling, jumped off the catamaran boat and swam around the caves by Rick's cafe which are amazing...and where the locals cliff jump from CRAZY heights...a few of the people on our cruise tried it too - THAT was one thing I didn't even consider ;0).



We ate candle lit buffet dinner barefooted on the beach most every night, and had fresh fruit smoothies and made to order omelets for breakfast most every morning. We opened the shutters in our room and laid on the bed listening to the rain and thunder which came each afternoon for an hour or so, and then blew away leaving more sunny skies and hot weather. The thunder was truly amazing...louder than any I have ever heard. Must have something to do with rolling out over the open ocean or something...




(Where the magic happened...well, *some* of the magic...some happened in OTHER places too, but we won't go into that ;0) )


(Oh, that hammock was TO DIE FOR. I really almost smuggled it home with me)


Mostly, I think it was just the relaxation that made it all so amazing. Of course, the relaxation was aided by a wonderfully mellow buzz from a little bit of Jamiaca's finest smoke, courtesy of our beach friend Elvis - not too mention all of the banana rum drinks that flowed freely all day and night! I am sure that the weight I gained was more from the banana drinks than all the food I ate!!


(This was the view from 'our spot' on the beach where we spent a LOT of our time...**sigh** wish I was there now :0) )




(Our beach friend Elvis...and me in my standard attire - sarong, tank top and sandles...with a banana rum drink in hand! Hmmm...for someone who really HONESTLY hardly ever drinks, I sure did drink a lot of alcohol THAT week!)

It just really was the most amazing time of my life, and I cannot believe that I almost didn't book the trip because I thought we couldn't afford it. My friend J convinced me that we MUST do it because if we didn't - if we said 'We will do it in 5 years' that we would SO REGRET it and that we probably would not get around to it and I am SO GRATEFUL for her relentless badgering because she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. We COULD afford it then; and had we waited, there is no way we would be doing it next year on our 5 year anniversary. There is no way we could afford it now. And in my heart I know that it would not be the same as it was then. The combination of all the stress and planning leading up to the wedding, and the excitement of just being married, and the fact that we didn't have any kids at home to miss (besides the cats!) made it impossible to recreate that same experience 5 years later. However, I do so hope that we are able to make it back there some day and are able to 'somewhat' recreate that level of relaxation, adventure and pure reveling in our love for each other.


(Looking at that photo, all I can think is MAN we look young!)

Bravo for you if you made it all the way through this trip down memory lane with me...thanks :0)