The upside...

The upside to the downturn...






Too bad that if the construction industry continues to slide and W and/or I loose our jobs we won't be able to afford $1.97 gas...

Not to mention I HATE the fact that they have succeeded in making me happy about **$2.97** gas...WTF

He even wrote me a poem...

I had intentions of watching the entire presidential debate last night, but when I put L to bed and W decided to go visit a friend in need for a bit, the beckoning of my little black box (which is actually a chest) was more than I could resist. So, I shut the door so the light crossing the hall would not wake the boy and I cracked open my chest of memories for the first time in a LONG time...

I pushed aside various things that I had no desires for at that moment; I waded through awards and cards and pages of jokes and emails and Lynda's obituary (luv and miss you, my Lyndy Lou)and the cast from when I broke my thumb a few years ago, and a couple of journals (I DO want to read through them again, but not right now, I have a VERY specific target right now) and some high school pictures of various people I have forgotten about over the 11 years since I graduated. I set aside a couple of shoe boxes of notes from high school and AHA! There it is, the shoebox with the letters. I know exactly where they are, standing up along the left hand side of the box.

I pulled them out; there were 5 of them total, less than I remember. I guess we talked on the phone more than we corresponded by letters. They are numbered, in the order I received them, and inside of each envelope the pages are numbered too. I took #1 out of the envelope and I could see where the cologne had soaked in and blurred the edges of the ink...I put it to my nose, but the smell has long since dissipated; damn.

#2 is the letter that had the kindergarten picture, but it also had a 7th grade photo which I had forgotten about.

#3 had the trinket; it was a little button that said "Too drunk for sex", with a reference to the button being "totally you - NOT!" I do not drink, and I think it was also a little joke about me (as of yet) not wanting to have sex with him (which he was totally respectful of). 'It reminds me of us' was what he said in regard to the clipping he included of an Obsession ad with a man's face buried in a naked female torso; very sexy.

#3 was also the letter with the poem. I had totally forgotten he had written me a poem. It was sweet and abstract and full of metaphor, and I remember thinking at the time that it was perfect.

Reading back through the letters confirmed my memory that he indeed liked me as much as I liked him and that my mind has not been embellishing the details as our minds tend to do as the distance between now and then grows. It reminded me why he holds a spot in my heart still, and that knowing how he is doing now could very well turn the sweet memories bitter and taint the good life I have imagined for him.

I put the letters back in order and back in the box against the end where I had found them, where they will stay until I get the urge in another 10 years to re-live one of the good times from my childhood / teenage years. I have decided I can never throw them out. I would regret it when next I had the NEED to see them and take that trip.

That was not, however, the end of my trip down memory lane...after I finished with the JJ letters, I went through a few of the notes from the HS notes shoe boxes...OMG R, I wanted you there with me SO bad! We REALLY need to have a day of reading through those babies. Most of them are from you, although there are some from Blondie, M, T, N, the whole crew...They are funny shit. There's alot of talk about work at the bar and moonlight bowling and the C town crew vs the H town crew. Most of them end with "WBS" and "Sorry So Messy", LMAO! It made me wonder if you kept any of the notes from me? And what did you do to your right hand during high school that you had to write with your left hand?!??

There were also some letters from some people I don't even remember, and will need to probe the memory of my brother and possibly others to place these people.

I definitely will need to take some more time to go through my little black box someday soon, but for now my thirst has been quenched, and my heart is full of the sweet memories of young love and HS friends.

From the mouth of the babe...

Being as L is saying more and more EVERY DAY I am starting a new line of posts. This will help me track his progress, and give you some laughs or warm fuzzy feelings. Well maybe it won't give you warm fuzzies just reading it here, but it will give ME the warm fuzzies when I go back and read it at a later date!

One of the most recent words L has added to his vocabulary is grapes, which in case you didn't know is pronounced 'greeps', and he has a new found love for them.

Another most recent word is 'bright' and man, those lights are soooo 'breet' in the morning, mama.

He is also in love with Dora and 'Ego' and he actually CRIED last night when I tried to turn the channel as Diego was coming on. I SWEAR he doesn't watch that much TV, but it can't be good that my 21 month old is crying when I tell him he can't watch his show.

The one that got away...

The morning show I listen to has a bit that is called "The one that got away" where they select a listener every week who has someone from their past that they would like to know about, and the station will track them down and ask them 10 questions of the inquirer's choosing...The person who initiates the contact isn't on the phone live with them; the DJ talks to them off line and records the answers to play back the next day to the person who wanted to ask them.


The first time I heard the bit, it got me thinking about someone from my past, someone who didn't really 'get away' but more like just faded away...I would love to know what he is doing with his life these days and if he is happy and has a family, etc etc. Not because I harbor secret desires for him, just because he will always hold a special place in my heart; he was my first love.

I met JJ at the lake when we were 13. Like my family, his had been going there multiple weekends each summer for years, only they stayed at a campground just down the lake shore with their motor home, and we stayed at the local city park which allowed overnight camping (but had no electric or running water). We had gotten to the age where we started running around the little town (seriously little, like a population of 100 people little) and met the local group of cigarette and pot smoking, mushroom popping, acid dropping juvenile delinquents with whom JJ and his sister were already running. Most of them were older than JJ and I by a couple of years, we were pretty much the young 'uns. I remember hanging out under a tree at the park the first day we met, smoking cigarettes and listening to the "Singles" soundtrack on some one's boom box and him playing footsie with me, LOL.

JJ and I connected for some reason, possibly simply because we were the two babies of the group. We lived about 85 miles apart, but after that first weekend, we started keeping in touch via the phone - OMG, that first phone bill, my parents almost killed me. Young love; expression of longing and lust over the phone, laying on my bed wishing we lived closer and cursing the unfairness of life and love. We also sent letters...he would spray his cologne on them before sending them and when I got them I would smell them for days. One letter contained a kindergarten photo of him. Another a small trinket that escapes me right now. I know I must have sent him miscellaneous pieces as insights into me, although I couldn't tell you what they were. I still have all of his letters with trinkets intact (along with multiple shoe boxes of notes my bf R and I passed in middle and high school!); I wonder if they hold any trace of his scent? I can still remember it, and on the few occasions that I have smelt some man wearing it in public I have been overwhelmed by feelings from the past. My black trunk containing these and many other reminders of the past has been beckoning me lately; I think an afternoon of reminiscing is in order.

(I just need to get rid of W for an afternoon...Although he knows all about JJ and knows -to an extent- what is in my black trunk, which ALSO includes diaries from the first 4 years of knowing and falling for HIM, it does not feel right to have him around when I am walking that road...)

I remember smoking pot for the first time with JJ, out of a pop can, hiding behind the bushes in the park across the little bridge from my families camp site. The next year I remember (vividly) us giving each other our virginity behind that same row of bushes. It was dark, awkward and painful, and I remember him being SO concerned about me. I stopped the act before any conclusions were reached, but that was okay with both of us. I honestly cannot say for sure whether or not we did it again after that; I think there may have been one more time when my parents indulged my incessant pleading and took us up to their place for an overnight...we stayed in our camper in their yard. JJ took me out 4-wheeling and there was some time spent making out in the woods. I remember I REALLY wanted to, but not sure if it did actually happen or not...

We kept in touch for a couple of years, writing and calling and expressing our longing between those weekend trips in the summer. Most of the summers we got to see each other about 3 times; ALWAYS Memorial Weekend and Labor Day Weekend and once in between. I remember the winters were hard, although we both seemed to get caught up with our lives at school so that it seemed the weeks between the summer encounters were almost harder to get through. After a couple of years, we both got more and more involved with our local lives, and it just kinda faded. In that time I met W, as well as had some weird pseudo relationships with a couple of other guys, and I am assuming the same happened for him.

I quit going up north with mom and dad as I was too involved in my life at home and my partying on weekends to take a break and go hang with mom and dad. The last I heard about JJ was when my brother ran into him at the lake when we were making one last trip to the camp site we had used for YEARS as they were closing it to overnight camping...I must have been 19 or 20; I believe W and I were living together already. I *just* missed JJ; he talked to my brother for a few minutes just before we got there, and then I didn't make the effort to search him out that weekend, which I have never forgiven myself for. I was worried that W (who had a bit of an issue with jealousy and insecurity in our relationship at that point) and or JJ's girlfriend would get mad or weirded out or think my intentions were anything other than they were, which was just to touch base with someone who had been an important part of my life at one point and whom will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. He was my first love! So I to this day beat myself up for not finding him and chatting that weekend. My brother found out that he had a fiance, and was still living in the same town and a few other minor details, and assured me he looked the same only a bit older.

So ever since this 'One that got away' bit started, I have thought it would be so great to be able to have JJ answer 10 questions for me; is he happy? Married still? Kids? Career? Away from the partying ways we both played with in our teen years? Maybe most importantly, does he remember things like I do, and does he hold a special place for me in his heart as I do him?

Here comes the part I am almost embarrassed to admit; when the teaser for this week's bit was talking about a man who wants to find a girl he dated in his teen years and whom he shared the loss of virginity with but lost track of I have to say my heart jumped and I thought "Wouldn't that be CRAZY if it was JJ?"...and I seriously couldn't wait for the damn commercial to get over with so I could hear the dude's name and see who he was looking for. Even though most of me knew it was not going to be JJ, and that the chances he listens to this station are probably remote based on what he listened to back then, I still have to admit that I had a glimmer of hope.

It wasn't him, of course.

I have thought about calling in and trying to get them to find him, but have decided it is tacky and could be a can of worms I wish I had never opened after the fact. Maybe he is doing horribly and is a loser and has completely forgotten our history, and if that is the case, I do NOT want to know. I would rather keep it in my head the way I imagine it; that he is happy and healthy and a great dad and has a good wife, and they have a good life, with struggles just like everyone but for the most part they are happy. That he remembers me fondly and holds a place for me always in his heart and wonders about my life and maybe, just maybe, he even still has one of my letters that he just can't bring himself to part with.

Cutters remorse...

I went and got my hair cut on my lunch break today...I am having a bit of cutter's remorse I think. I am sure it will be fine, I didn't take much off the overall length, but I had her give me a much more dramatic difference in the lenth of the layers. I am sure it will be fine once I do it myself tomorrow, since I told her I usually flat iron it, and she flat ironed the shit outta it, and it is the stick straightest hair you ever seen! Usually I just run the flat iron through it a bit on the underside to chill out some of the waviness underneath...she flat ironed it in itty bitty little sections and my hair was smoking. Literally. Smoke was wafting up from my head. So much smoke at times she blew it out of her face? I don't know that that is a good thing. It has never smoked when I flat iron it...

Not to mention, it cost way more than I was thinking...I mean, it was an Aveda salon, but the last time I had my hair done, I had it cut AND colored at an Aveda salon in a different town, and it only cost me like $10 more than JUST MY CUT today.

**SIGH**

She did give me a sweet little head massage for 5 minutes before beginning my cut, which was way nice and really made me want to schedule a full body massage with my friend L, but after what I spent on the damn cut today that is going to have to wait awhile.

Ah well, it is only hair; it will grow back eventually.

OH, then she tried to sell me a $20 little ass tube of Gel...um, yeah, no thanks...I will go to Target and get something just as good for like $4 thanks.

Miscellaneous stuff post

In an effort to purchase less at Walmart, I stopped at Target (I know, not exactly buying 'local' and not exactly not big box store, but at least from what I have found they treat their employees better than Walmart does...) yesterday to pick up dish soap and detergent for the dish washer. I almost grabbed my usual bottle of off brand dish soap and Electrosol tabs when I saw the Seventh Generation products...I have also been making an effort to purchase, use and be more eco-friendly, and had heard people on my message boards talk about the Seventh Generation products. So after some price comparison, I determined that the $5 box of powder detergent for the dishwasher should do close to the 60 loads I would get out of the $10 box of Electrosol tabs...so I have to pour the powder in rather than open up a tab, so what? AND, the 25 oz bottle of 7th Gen dish soap was only $2.50. A little more expensive than the Target brand liquid, but hey, the bottle told me that if every American household would replace ONE 25oz bottle of petroleum (aka OIL) based dish soap with a plant derived soap (such as 7th Gen) we could save like 8600 barrels of oil which is enough to heat 4900 American homes for an ENTIRE YEAR (F*ck you, Big Oil). WOW. That's cool. For how much I use regular soap now that we have the dishwasher, I think I can spend a bit more. Not to mention, it is scented with Essential oil, and it is Lavender Mint scent, and I SWEAR it smelt like my friend's massage room, and if I close my eyes and focus I can almost convince myself I am there instead of standing in front of the sink washing dishes!! LOL...

So I am feeling good about accomplishing not only my goal of shopping less at Walmart (while trying to keep the budget the same or VERY similar) but also my goal of moving toward a more eco friendly existence :0) I can't afford to go to the Seventh Generation diapers, although the toll that conventional diapers exact on landfills and the Earth is horrible, I am going to check out some of their cleaning products, in addition to trying to break my addiction to all different kinds of cleaners and using vinegar and water for more and more of my cleaning needs...

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I looked in the mirror recently and had deja vu of another time when I looked in the mirror and was extremely unsatisfied with what I saw...Well, LAST time I was disgusted and shocked (I will tell that story sometime soon), this time I am more unsatisfied and disappointed in myself, as I know how I got here, but since L is almost 2 years old, I can hardly say the reason I am not back to the body I want to be is because "I just had a baby"...So I am determined and getting back on track to working out. I am walking down to the workout center, working out for 25 minutes, stretching and walking back home...I have stuck to my schedule so far, which was Monday and Wednesday, and I am going to do at least one day this weekend, but am aiming for 2. It felt SO GOOD; my muscles were like AAAAAAAAH and ahhhhhhhh all at the same time, LOLOL! Surprisingly I am not sore yet. I am hoping my muscles have REALLY good memory, and will get back to their nice tone, firm selves in a quick fashion, LOL. I exercised regularly (walked 4 miles 5-6 days a week and did the circuit weight training 4-5 times a week) for what, like 5 years before I got pg with L, but when I got put on bed rest at 25 weeks that shot everything to hell, and I have had a hard time making it a priority since L was born...So I am hoping that once I get back into a routine, the weight loss and muscle toning will be easier this time than it was the first time :0)


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We are all moved into our new office, and I guess I am getting used to it. The added drive kinda sucks (8+ miles each way), but soon enough I will be used to it and probably won't even notice it anymore. My office IS cool, I love that we didn't paint ANY walls WHITE, they are creamy-ish, with one blue wall in each office. We have nice wood flooring in the common areas which, combined with the walls, gives it a nice home-y feel, which is completely different than our previous space. I have moved my plants with me, and am going to get a couple more (I currently only have one in my office, the other one is out in the lobby), and I have my degree and award plaques on one wall space, and have started the wall of MY photo art on the other. I just need to take some time this weekend to dig out all the dozens of garage sale and thrift frames I have stored upstairs (I KNEW I would use them eventually :0) ) and print out more photos this weekend. I also have the little rock fountain my friend J gave me for my birthday set up in my office, which is nice. I bought a really cool Method air freshener disk (lavender lemongrass) yesterday, but it bugged the secretary, so I can't have it here :0( .

The one thing that I REALLY REALLY HATE is that there is only one bathroom here!?! The secretary and I, who have been used to having a bathroom to ourselves for the last 10 years (her longer) have to share with the 6 other men, as well as any Tom, Dick or Harry that walks in off the street!!!?!?!??! EWWWWWWWW! I go in there and the seat is open, and just having to touch it to put down up freaks me out a bit...I like these men and all, but I just don't like having to share a bathroom with them. UGH. I have a problem with the toilet lid being open; it's NOT about having the seat down so I don't fall in, it's about keeping the icky toilet CLOSED at all times when not in use...I am a bit OCD on that, ask my hubby, he will tell you, and thank goddess he was pre-trained in closing the lid by his mother...I just hate it. It is probably unfounded, but I don't care. I REALLY don't want to share a bathroom, and will probably try to use it as little as possible. Call me whatever, I don't care, I just want our own bathroom back.

So, that sucks. Big time. But otherwise, it is OKAY, and I am settling in and getting used to it, which I really have no choice but to do, so I might as well just try to get over it ASAP.

That's my misc stuff for today...

Another sign he is not a baby anymore...

My baby spoke a sentence. He did, and it made sense and it was in context! Seems like just yesterday he was barely saying a word and now he spoke a sentence...

We were sitting in church on Sunday (I know, NOT a likely place for me to be, but I have not come completely clean with my family about how my religious beliefs etc have changed, and it was mass for W's grandpa, and it won't kill us, and it was actually a little funny cuz the priest did the sermon on how we should be voting come November, and he did a real good job of letting everyone know who they should be voting for w/o mentioning any names...He didn't have any affect on my decision of who to vote for, however. I now use every rare trip to church to remind me of why we do not attend regularly, but also as a reminder that there ARE SOME good things that can come of it and not to discount it completely) and L was super quiet, just sitting in my lap looking around at all the people and taking it all in while holding on to my neck with a death grip. After we got through the initial part of mass where we are standing and sitting and standing and got to the part where we get to sit for a bit I asked L if he would like to color, to which he enthusiatically said YES! So I got out the crayons and the notepad and he proceeded to draw pretty yellow and blue ("Boo!") and green ("Reen!") circles and jagged lines, and then proclaimed in a bit too loud voice that echoed through the quiet church "Ooooh, I did that!!" as he pointed to the squiggles on the page. Yes you did baby boy, and you just spoke a sentence, too!?!?!

He continued to tell me through mass how "I did that!", as well as on Monday when I picked him up from daycare and he showed me the page of stamping that he had done that day. "Mama, I did that!" as he held the page out for me to see...

**SIGH**

It is SOOO sweet and amazing to hear him speak like this, and at the same time makes me so sad that he is growing so fast. But then today, I was reading Kori's guided journal post in which she has to describe the unique strengths of all her kids and I thought WOW, I can't wait until my child(ren) are old enough that I can see in them unique strengths and weaknesses, and see who they really are and become as people...How cool (hopefully more cool than scary) is that going to be?

So, as much as L speaking a sentence really FREAKS ME OUT, there is SO much to look forward to, and the sentence speaking is just another reminder to me to REALLY enjoy the time I have with L each and every day and never take one day or phase for granted because tomorrow we could be past that and on to the next one.