Hello?

Well none of you 4 (or so) people who used to come see my blog probably even bother to stop by anymore, as I post so sporatically...It's not that I have nothing to share; quite the contrary, I ponder so much all the time that I would LOVE to blog about, but it's just that I don't have TIME to blog...I guess maybe that is a good thing?

It seems when I DO come here to share it is about my babies...but let's face it; right now, my life consists of running (frantically) between my babies and work, and work sucks and is a complete drain on me, and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time and energy on THAT shit. So, baby news it is :-)

I need to post some new photos - Baby C is huge and amazing and OH SO DAMN cute, even if I do say so myself!

The reason I REALLY wanted to blog today was to share yet ANOTHER cute L snippet...we were riding in the car the other day and he was counting. He got to 40 and proclaimed "FORTY! WOW, that's a LOT, Mom"

"Yes, L, it IS a lot! What comes next?"

"Fif-D"

"Good, what's next?"

"Six-D"

And so on and so forth until he got to ninety, and when I asked him what comes next, he paused, did his WAY funny perplexed expression where he crunches up his face and kinda rolls his eyes off to the side and proclaimed

"Ten-D!!"

:D

Great reasoning!

I really try to not be one of those parents who talks non stop about all the things their kid can do, and thinks their kid is SO SMART because they can do X,Y,Z, but I have to admit that I really do, in all honesty, find myself thinking on a regular basis that L seems pretty advanced for his age. Things seem to come easy to him. It makes me happy, and I hope that he continues on that way as he grows - I just know it will make things easier in some ways as he grows up...

In other quick news, Mama got quite spoiled this tax season. We actually got an okay sum of money back on our taxes, which we weren't really expecting, and W and I decided that I should treat myself and upgrade my camera equipment which I have been wanting to do for about 2 years now!! As much as I know I deserve it, and WANT it, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to spend the money on myself. It literally took me a week to finalize my order; and when I had it all ready to confirm, it took me at least an hour to push the 'confirm order' button. There are definitely other (way less fun) things the money could have been spent on, or it DEFINITELY would not have been a bad idea to put it in savings, but since the money is spent, I will admit that I am really happy and excited that I did it. Had I waited another day or two, I can honestly say that I would have probably talked myself out of it. The camera is amazing, and I have taken a TON of photos already, and really cannot wait for summer to come so I can get outside and take some shots of things other than the boys...who, by the way, are already BEYOND sick of me sticking it in their faces!



So yeah, I feel totally spoiled, and I am STILL justifying the purchase to myself, but that's just how I am, and I am used to the guilt.

Snippet part 2

As I was changing L into his pg's last night (we call 'em pg's, not pJ's around our house), after I took his shirt off he grabbed his nipples and rolled them around between his fingers a bit and said

"Mine aren't big enough, Mama"

:D

To which I replied "Oh Buddy, only Mama's have milk to give their babies"

which he adamantly denied, and informed me that Mama's AND Daddy's have milk for the babies...

He is just so so funny!

Snippet

I was sitting on the floor last night nursing Baby C (a VERY crabby teething Baby C who wants to eat constantly and isn't sleeping very much - not that I blame him, that shit has got to HURT! He popped the first one through last week) and L sat down next to me, put Dino, his stuffed dinosaur's mouth to his chest, looked at me and said matter of factly "He'd hungry Mom, he'd eating Milk!" :D

It's those little things that keep me going these days...

I don't think I can NOT have another one of these, and Holy shite it's cold

When I look at things like this I want to weep at the beauty, and I wonder if I can truly live with never having another baby ever again. I don't know if I can.

And then I spend a few hours with L and his little Terrible Three self while trying to take care of Baby C's needs also, and I am plummeted back into the reality that those cute, sweet, precious little babies don't stay that way forever. That they become a LOT more work as they get older. That they talk back, disobey, hit their baby brother, and get REALLY needy and whiny.

But seriously. Thinking that Baby C may be it for us and that I may never hold another newborn (of my own) to my breast makes me want to weep, too. And then weep and weep some more.

(And for the record, L is actually a really good boy. He has moments, but they are, for the most part, few and far between. And as I said the other day - I love him beyond measure and wouldn't change a thing!)

And also - HOLY SHITE it's cold. The last few mornings we have woken up to -20 degree temps, with daytime temps hovering around 0. I know it's winter, but this is just TOO cold. I was driving to my friends house yesterday morning, and hit an area that was -24. What the fuck.

The day I was forever changed...

Three years ago today, right now, I was in labor with my first son L. It was a day that has forever changed me in so many ways - as any of you who are parents surely know.

Never had I realized the TRUE depth and expanse of love until I gave birth to that baby. How is it that you can love that little person more than you've ever loved anyone the moment you lay eyes and arms on them? Or BEFORE you ever lay eyes and arms on them, even? How can that little helpless person, who cannot even hold their own head upright grab onto your heart and rip it out of your chest and carry it around, vulnerable and exposed, in the big bad world? How can that one little soul somehow lift you up when it seems that all is lost? Make things that had once seemed so important now seem trivial?

Since L, I have been able to let go of some things that I NEVER thought I would. He has made me slow down again and enjoy the little things in life. He has helped me to rediscover the beauty that exists all around me every day, every where. Seeing things again for the first time through his eyes is so amazing. Watching him grow and learn and change and become this little person has brought me joy I never knew could exist.

Becoming a mother has also brought me sadness in ways I never thought it would. Never did I realize how vulnerable I would feel. How every time I heard about a crash, a fire, an illness, a murder, starving children, abuse - these things would haunt me like never before. That I would ALWAYS imagine how horrible it would be were it MY child. That my heart would ACHE and that I would cry rivers for people I have never met who face these challenges. I would wonder how a person could ever live on after losing their child. And I would CONSTANTLY hope that somehow, SOMEHOW I can make it through this life without ever having to find these things out first hand.

Becoming a mom to L made me see my own parents in a whole new light - in good ways and bad. I understood things from a new perspective, which has helped me to both forgive them in some ways, and hate them in others.

I will not deny for a second that there are times I wish for JUST A MOMENT of peace. Just a moment when I am not needed by someone. That I could have some uninterrupted time to do something for ME and only ME. That there are times that I wish I could shut off the empathy because I don't know if I can take it any more. That there are times that I long for the freedom and time that I had before kids.

And yet, there isn't ANY WAY that I would change it. I love that little boy so much for ALL the ways he has changed my life; good bad and otherwise. I only hope that we can raise him up right, and that he makes good decisions, and that he loves himself and others around him, and that he lives a long, happy life.

And I will say that I am glad that tonight I will be ringing in the New Year amongst my friends rather than in the hospital in labor, although I would do it over again a million times for him if I had to.

So Happy Birthday my little L, at 3:11 am on Jan 1, I love you more than you will ever know; until you become a Daddy one day yourself.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

A sad day...

The matriarch of this family had a massive heart attack last night and is currently in critical condition, on life support and in an induced coma, at the hospital.

I am supposed to be working; I NEED to be working, but all I can think about is this family and the ache this is causing in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped by her room this morning because I had to be at the hospital anyway for work, in the exact wing she happened to be located, and I couldn't NOT stop. I didn't want to intrude, but I felt compelled to express my love and to let the family know I was thinking of them and that I was available if they needed ANYTHING.

I only stayed about two minutes, and didn't even enter the room; the whole situation felt sacred - something to be shared by the family. But the daughter (whom the letter was initally sent to) assured me that I was not, in fact, intruding, and thanked me for stopping. She mentioned the letter and said how it had had a very large impact on her mother; how proud and happy it had made her, and how they had talked about it often. All in all, I am very glad that I did stop.

That entire family means a lot to me, and has for the majority of my life. I am very saddened today. The prognosis at this point is not good - they will be doing some additional testing today. I am hoping and sending my love and energy their way.

And now I am going to try to get some work done.