Still kickin'

Wow, I haven't posted in over a year! Not for lack of wanting, I assure you, but MAN, I have found life as a working mom of 2 young boys (not to mention the housework, the wedding photography on the weekends, the garden, trying to exercise regularly, etc, etc) to be B-U-S-Y. WHEW! And everyday is a new adventure with kids, isn't it??

I just know, though, that soon enough they will be bigger, and will be involved in their own stuff, and (besides needing me to run them everywhere) they won't want anything to do with me. And then, as before they came into our lives, I will have lots of time to blog and photograph and exercise and garden and read.

And so, I am trying to live in the moment as much as possible, and just soak up every moment of joy that they bring.



Baby C is just not a baby anymore! He will be 2 in August, and he is busy and wild and tough and strong willed and BOSSY and about as different from his brother as two people could be! It never ceases to amaze me that two so very different people could come from the same set of genes. He is WORK. A LOT of work. But (most days!) I wouldn't change him for the world :) He is at that perfect, adorable age, which W and I must comment on at least once a day.



Logan is 4-1/2 and is my soft hearted little sweet heart. He started T-ball this summer, which I am helping to coach (which really just entails herding 20 4-6 year olds around for an hour and a half), and he will start pre-school in the fall (EEEEK!) He is addicted to playing the Wii, which shouldn't be surprising since his father and I have both enjoyed our share of video games over the years. I swore I was not going to let him play video games until he was older, but he is SO GOOD at them, and he enjoys them, and he still loves to be outside everyday too, so Meh...There are worse things in life.

It has been a good year. I have been growing in so many ways. It's good. I'm good. Life is good.

And oh so busy.

The mom cut update

So much to say, so little time!!

Life has been crazy; crazy and stressful and not fun, and although it could have been so much worse, I am SO GLAD to be able to say that it is not any of those things anymore. Well, not in the same bad way anyway. Still crazy and hectic, but that is just life ALWAYS.

The first three months of the year were spent in the downward spiral of the company I was working for going out of business. It was NOT FUN ONE BIT, and I never want to go through that again. And I am SO GLAD to be on the other side of that.

I am so very very lucky to have not even been unemployed for one day! On March 31st, I went to work for my old company, and at 2pm was told that the deal was done, to pack up my office and report to my new job on April 1st. It was a crazy, quick thing at the end, but I actually ended up being able to choose from multiple job offers. I feel so very fortunate in this economy to have done that. It was a very weird experience - being 'head hunted' didn't feel like I imagined it would, but there were lots of good things being said about me, TO me, by a lot of people in my industry, which was awesome but weird and hard to accept all at the same time. But it helped to me realize and ACCEPT the value of me and my abilities, and that is a good thing. Although, as I told my mom, it made me feel like I have this big reputation to live up to now. But, as she so wisely reminded me, what I have been doing all along is what earned me that rep, so as long as I continue to be myself and do what I have always done, I will be fine.

In more news, W is BACK TO WORK!!!! He started back to work in March (I think it was) with a new company, and he is loving it, and they love him! It is a very different atmosphere than he is used to, and he is thriving there. I think he is having a lot of major realization of his own worth, which is something I think he is meant to learn in this lifetime. He has always sold himself short, and this is such a good thing for him.

The boys are getting to be so big, and so fun, and so much work, LOL! Baby C is teaching us just how lucky we were with L; L was SOO EASY. And Baby C is SOO NOT. He is great and I love him, but where L was laid back and content and not whiney, Baby C is uptight and not very content and if I am being completely honest, kinda whiney!! But, of course, I wouldn't change him for the world, and all the good outweighs the bad.



Aren't they cute??

And here's me and my little mini me, L:



And Baby C, because he makes my heart melt...




And finally, since everything was feeling like a new start, I decided to do something drastic with my hair! It's been WAY too long, and I am glad I did it. It kinda feels like the 30 something Mommy cut, which in a way I am okay with, but it doesn't QUITE fit my personality, so my stylist friend and I are going to get together and tweek it a bit yet.

Here's the before (without makeup, LOL!)


and the after (with makeup)

Hello?

Well none of you 4 (or so) people who used to come see my blog probably even bother to stop by anymore, as I post so sporatically...It's not that I have nothing to share; quite the contrary, I ponder so much all the time that I would LOVE to blog about, but it's just that I don't have TIME to blog...I guess maybe that is a good thing?

It seems when I DO come here to share it is about my babies...but let's face it; right now, my life consists of running (frantically) between my babies and work, and work sucks and is a complete drain on me, and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time and energy on THAT shit. So, baby news it is :-)

I need to post some new photos - Baby C is huge and amazing and OH SO DAMN cute, even if I do say so myself!

The reason I REALLY wanted to blog today was to share yet ANOTHER cute L snippet...we were riding in the car the other day and he was counting. He got to 40 and proclaimed "FORTY! WOW, that's a LOT, Mom"

"Yes, L, it IS a lot! What comes next?"

"Fif-D"

"Good, what's next?"

"Six-D"

And so on and so forth until he got to ninety, and when I asked him what comes next, he paused, did his WAY funny perplexed expression where he crunches up his face and kinda rolls his eyes off to the side and proclaimed

"Ten-D!!"

:D

Great reasoning!

I really try to not be one of those parents who talks non stop about all the things their kid can do, and thinks their kid is SO SMART because they can do X,Y,Z, but I have to admit that I really do, in all honesty, find myself thinking on a regular basis that L seems pretty advanced for his age. Things seem to come easy to him. It makes me happy, and I hope that he continues on that way as he grows - I just know it will make things easier in some ways as he grows up...

In other quick news, Mama got quite spoiled this tax season. We actually got an okay sum of money back on our taxes, which we weren't really expecting, and W and I decided that I should treat myself and upgrade my camera equipment which I have been wanting to do for about 2 years now!! As much as I know I deserve it, and WANT it, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to spend the money on myself. It literally took me a week to finalize my order; and when I had it all ready to confirm, it took me at least an hour to push the 'confirm order' button. There are definitely other (way less fun) things the money could have been spent on, or it DEFINITELY would not have been a bad idea to put it in savings, but since the money is spent, I will admit that I am really happy and excited that I did it. Had I waited another day or two, I can honestly say that I would have probably talked myself out of it. The camera is amazing, and I have taken a TON of photos already, and really cannot wait for summer to come so I can get outside and take some shots of things other than the boys...who, by the way, are already BEYOND sick of me sticking it in their faces!



So yeah, I feel totally spoiled, and I am STILL justifying the purchase to myself, but that's just how I am, and I am used to the guilt.

Snippet part 2

As I was changing L into his pg's last night (we call 'em pg's, not pJ's around our house), after I took his shirt off he grabbed his nipples and rolled them around between his fingers a bit and said

"Mine aren't big enough, Mama"

:D

To which I replied "Oh Buddy, only Mama's have milk to give their babies"

which he adamantly denied, and informed me that Mama's AND Daddy's have milk for the babies...

He is just so so funny!

Snippet

I was sitting on the floor last night nursing Baby C (a VERY crabby teething Baby C who wants to eat constantly and isn't sleeping very much - not that I blame him, that shit has got to HURT! He popped the first one through last week) and L sat down next to me, put Dino, his stuffed dinosaur's mouth to his chest, looked at me and said matter of factly "He'd hungry Mom, he'd eating Milk!" :D

It's those little things that keep me going these days...

I don't think I can NOT have another one of these, and Holy shite it's cold

When I look at things like this I want to weep at the beauty, and I wonder if I can truly live with never having another baby ever again. I don't know if I can.

And then I spend a few hours with L and his little Terrible Three self while trying to take care of Baby C's needs also, and I am plummeted back into the reality that those cute, sweet, precious little babies don't stay that way forever. That they become a LOT more work as they get older. That they talk back, disobey, hit their baby brother, and get REALLY needy and whiny.

But seriously. Thinking that Baby C may be it for us and that I may never hold another newborn (of my own) to my breast makes me want to weep, too. And then weep and weep some more.

(And for the record, L is actually a really good boy. He has moments, but they are, for the most part, few and far between. And as I said the other day - I love him beyond measure and wouldn't change a thing!)

And also - HOLY SHITE it's cold. The last few mornings we have woken up to -20 degree temps, with daytime temps hovering around 0. I know it's winter, but this is just TOO cold. I was driving to my friends house yesterday morning, and hit an area that was -24. What the fuck.

The day I was forever changed...

Three years ago today, right now, I was in labor with my first son L. It was a day that has forever changed me in so many ways - as any of you who are parents surely know.

Never had I realized the TRUE depth and expanse of love until I gave birth to that baby. How is it that you can love that little person more than you've ever loved anyone the moment you lay eyes and arms on them? Or BEFORE you ever lay eyes and arms on them, even? How can that little helpless person, who cannot even hold their own head upright grab onto your heart and rip it out of your chest and carry it around, vulnerable and exposed, in the big bad world? How can that one little soul somehow lift you up when it seems that all is lost? Make things that had once seemed so important now seem trivial?

Since L, I have been able to let go of some things that I NEVER thought I would. He has made me slow down again and enjoy the little things in life. He has helped me to rediscover the beauty that exists all around me every day, every where. Seeing things again for the first time through his eyes is so amazing. Watching him grow and learn and change and become this little person has brought me joy I never knew could exist.

Becoming a mother has also brought me sadness in ways I never thought it would. Never did I realize how vulnerable I would feel. How every time I heard about a crash, a fire, an illness, a murder, starving children, abuse - these things would haunt me like never before. That I would ALWAYS imagine how horrible it would be were it MY child. That my heart would ACHE and that I would cry rivers for people I have never met who face these challenges. I would wonder how a person could ever live on after losing their child. And I would CONSTANTLY hope that somehow, SOMEHOW I can make it through this life without ever having to find these things out first hand.

Becoming a mom to L made me see my own parents in a whole new light - in good ways and bad. I understood things from a new perspective, which has helped me to both forgive them in some ways, and hate them in others.

I will not deny for a second that there are times I wish for JUST A MOMENT of peace. Just a moment when I am not needed by someone. That I could have some uninterrupted time to do something for ME and only ME. That there are times that I wish I could shut off the empathy because I don't know if I can take it any more. That there are times that I long for the freedom and time that I had before kids.

And yet, there isn't ANY WAY that I would change it. I love that little boy so much for ALL the ways he has changed my life; good bad and otherwise. I only hope that we can raise him up right, and that he makes good decisions, and that he loves himself and others around him, and that he lives a long, happy life.

And I will say that I am glad that tonight I will be ringing in the New Year amongst my friends rather than in the hospital in labor, although I would do it over again a million times for him if I had to.

So Happy Birthday my little L, at 3:11 am on Jan 1, I love you more than you will ever know; until you become a Daddy one day yourself.

More saddness

Everyone always says they don't care what sex the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy. And then the baby is born, and the baby is healthy, and everyone is happy.

And then on rolls life. And there are bumps and bruises and colds and flus and infections, but mostly everything is well and you have dreams and hopes for your children and you just go on about life.

And all is well, because the baby was healthy.

But what about when you are just going along, and the baby is healthy, but then the baby is 7, and all of a sudden is no longer healthy?

Some friends of mine found out last Wednesday that their 7 year old son has Ewing Sarcoma, a form of bone cancer.

Right now, they are starting their daunting journey. I cannot stop thinking about them, and wondering how the hell, as a parent, you deal with that? I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop wondering how scared that little boy must be - I know I would be terrified were it me, and he is only 7! When you look up Ewing Sarcoma online, there is talk of surgery and chemo and amputation and metastizing to the lungs and the bone marrow, and deep bone pain and all of that just makes my stomach turn. And I know - he may be alright - he may beat it and live a full life, but what if he doesn't? What if he doesn't and he dies and they have to figure out how to live without him, and HOW do you do that???

I cannot stop looking at my boys and imagining if it were them how I would feel and how I would deal with it, and hopinghopingHOPING that I NEVER EVER EVER have to find out. Please oh PLEASE god or God or Goddess or Karma or Universe or dumb luck or WHATEVER, please oh please do not ever let me have to find out firsthand.

And I keep thinking how your life, your whole WORLD can be turned upside down in a split second, at any time and how down right SHITTY life can be at times.

And I am so sad for them.

A sad day...

The matriarch of this family had a massive heart attack last night and is currently in critical condition, on life support and in an induced coma, at the hospital.

I am supposed to be working; I NEED to be working, but all I can think about is this family and the ache this is causing in the pit of my stomach.

I stopped by her room this morning because I had to be at the hospital anyway for work, in the exact wing she happened to be located, and I couldn't NOT stop. I didn't want to intrude, but I felt compelled to express my love and to let the family know I was thinking of them and that I was available if they needed ANYTHING.

I only stayed about two minutes, and didn't even enter the room; the whole situation felt sacred - something to be shared by the family. But the daughter (whom the letter was initally sent to) assured me that I was not, in fact, intruding, and thanked me for stopping. She mentioned the letter and said how it had had a very large impact on her mother; how proud and happy it had made her, and how they had talked about it often. All in all, I am very glad that I did stop.

That entire family means a lot to me, and has for the majority of my life. I am very saddened today. The prognosis at this point is not good - they will be doing some additional testing today. I am hoping and sending my love and energy their way.

And now I am going to try to get some work done.

A milestone on Thanksgiving...

Baby C rolled over today! Right in the middle of our Thanksgiving celebration he did it. We have known it was coming for a couple of weeks, as he has been getting WAY up on his side, and today he did it. I think he knew it would be even MORE exciting if he did it in front of a whole group of people :-) And then he did it again. And again! The look on his face the first time he did it was priceless...like "Whoa! How the heck did I get like this, Mom?!" and then "Hey, I'mma do that AGAIN!" He got a little scared at the roar of everyone cheering for him, but then he was right back at it.

Ahhh, they grow TOO fast! Soon, we will be chasing him everywhere, wishing he would be IMmobile for just two minutes ;-)

Hope everyone had (or is having, I guess) a wonderful Thanksgiving.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Every day on my way to work, I drive past a billboard for our state lottery. It is one for the BIG lotto game, where the jackpot never is less than 20 million. It changes whenever someone doesn't win to show the new estimated jackpot amount, and says things like

'25 million ways to thank your parents'

or

'85 million less minutes you will have to spend at work'

The game draws winners on Wednesdays and Saturdays, so AT LEAST 2 times per week I end up looking at the sign and I start day dreaming about what *I* would do if I won 20+ million dollars. I have to admit, I really like that dream.

I would travel to warm, exotic and interesting places with my immediate family, as well as take my closest family and friends on a group vacation somewhere fun and far away.

W could go to college - I would LOVE to see him be able to not work and just go to a 4 year college. He would do SO WELL with learning now. He has always been smart, but could have cared less about learning when he was younger. NOW, though, he would just soak up all of the knowlege to be had, I just know it. He would kick some college learning ass.

I would take some photography classes to get some formal schooling in that photography shit that I love so well, and I could open my own studio, and if nothing else, take free photographs of my friends and family.

I would put money away for each of the boys for college. I would make sure there was plenty there - who the hell knows how much college is going to cost by the time they are that age.

I would have AT LEAST one more baby. And maybe I would just go on having babies until my uterus fell out, who knows? If I could afford them I just may, because I KNOW I could LOVE them.

I would pay off my parents' bills and get them on their feet, and do what I had to so that they could retire and just enjoy their years. I am only being honest when I say that neither of them are going to live so long that if I won 20+ million dollars I wouldn't be able to support them until they died. Although, if I had that money, I would pay for my Dad to go to rehab. The BEST rehab. And hopefully it would work, and it would give him more years than he has on his current path.

I would help my brother - probably pay off his mortgage at least, so he could relax a little and not have to be so stressed.

I would help a few of my bestest friends who are SO deserving and could use a little hand up. I would hope I could do it in a way that they would not feel insulted, or inadequate or whatever; I hope they could know that I only wanted to help them a little because I LOVE them, and because they do SO deserve it.


I would pay off my house, and replace the windows and siding, put in central AC, replace the flooring in the kitchen / bathroom / entry, put up the retaining wall that is needed in the back (because our house is slowing sinking in the back - you can see that the addition on that side is slowly falling away from the rest of the house - yikes!), fill in the old cistern that we have discovered back there, put up a new garage (which is also falling down), and then sell it. Probably for cheap to someone who could really use a nice starter house. I would buy a bigger house - probably twice as big, around 3000 sf would do us plenty. Probably an older home that has been restored - we love that old charm.

I would buy a new car - probably a Nissan Maxima. Sweet :-) And I would give my car away to someone who could really use it.

I would give to charities that help impoverished people in our own country, as well as abroad. I would give to charities that help children who are dying realize a dream before they die. I would give to charities that help animals.

**SIGH** I sure do love that dream...

I love that dream because, above all, 20+ million dollars would buy me so much time. Time that, right now, I don't get to spend on the really important things, such as my family, because I am busy working to pay for things like food and shelter. And less important, but still desired things like cars, toys (for big and little kids alike), vacations, etc, etc. It would buy me time to persue hobbies, and to volunteer and time to just enjoy LIFE that doesn't involve working for a greedy boss to scrape by.

W says that it would be the worst thing that ever happened to a person; that it would RUIN a person. But I say only if you let it.

Maybe one of these days I should start buying that one lottery ticket per week that I always say I am gonna buy so I could actually have a shot at that dream, huh?

Funny, and yet not...

Someone just reminded me of this story, and I had to share it with y'all, because it made me laugh hard and shake my head at the same time.

So W is still a full time smoker. Of cigarettes. I quit smoking when I got preggo with L over 3 years ago. Although, between you and me, I still have one once in awhile - like if we go out for the night, or when we were at the cabin sitting by the bonfire at night, or once in awhile if it has just been an exceptionally stressful day at work. What can I say, I always did like to smoke. It's relaxing. But I have REALLY no desire to go back to it on a regular basis. I find I smell much better now. Not to mention the health benefits of NOT smoking. But anywho...

So anyway, W and his mom are sitting in L's playroom the other night, L is riding around on his little indoor trike (I was cleaning up the kitchen) and I hear Gramma tell L to ride to the store and get her some something or other. So, L rides out into the livingroom and back into the playroom and they must have done this a couple of times pretending he was getting different stuff, and all of a sudden I hear him say

'Here's yer 'mokes dad, I got you some 'mokes at da store!! Here Gramma, here's yer licorice!"

Funny! And yet so.NOT.funny...

Feeling like crap

I am feeling like crap today. Head cold. Continuously running nose, sneezing, sore throat, sinus pressure / headache, watery eyes.

It started 2 days ago, but today is decidedly worse. Hopefully this will be the worst day and it will get better from here. L and the baby both have a little cold too...L was coughing all night - at least he is big enough to use Vicks on him, which did help.

I don't think you should be allowed to get sick when you have kids. There should really just be a law against it.

I know it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with being sick before I had kids when I knew that at least if I made it through the day at work, that I could go home, tell W to cook for his damn self, plop on the couch and sleep for a good 12 hours before I had to get up and do it again.

Ahhh, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep sounds like heaven!

Now, I have to look forward to going home and dealing with a toddler and an infant, and if I am lucky, getting to sleep by 9pm. I can't really tell them to cook for their damn selves. Although we are just having pizza, so W can handle that, and hopefully I can at least lounge on the couch and just nurse the baby.

And maybe I will just leave the office door closed after I finish pumping and sneak in a 20 minute nap...that would help a bit too.

Hard

This is when it's hard.

When I am here, in my office pumping. Thiss is when I cannot help but think of his little self. If I close my eyes, I can picture him down there suckling. I can smell him and I can feel his fuzzy little head cupped in my palm like it is when he nurses. His chubby little hands resting on my breast, or wrapped around my finger. his little jaw moving; suck-suck-swallow...

I can see his face when his belly is full and he pulls of, looks me in the eyes, sticks his tongue out and smiles and coos at me. So content and full and happy. His new thing is blowing raspberries when he finishes. He lays there looking up at me smiling and blowing raspberries.

Yeah. This is when it's hard.

What?!?

So, awhile back, when C was probably around 6 weeks old, my sister in law had asked me how things were going with him, and I happened to mention that things were good, except it didn't feel like we were really falling into a napping routine during the day as much as L seemed to have been by that point. She has 3 babies, her third being just 2 months older than baby C. She mentioned she wanted to borrow me a copy of a book to read that she felt would help me. The book was Baby Wise. I had heard of it, and was interested in checking it out.

So I took it, and started reading it but I didn't get very far - it really turned me off from the start. I dunno why, I guess it just felt preachy and superior. Like, they would say they didn't think the 'other' way was wrong, but really it felt like that's exactly what they were saying. Maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance, but I really just didn't think I liked where it was going.

She had asked me for it back the other day, so today I grabbed it and was heading over there. Before I headed out the door, I flipped through it quickly, thinking maybe I SHOULD have read it; maybe I would have gotten something useful out of it.

So I flipped to this one page, and it was talking basically about tending to your baby whenever it cries, and how if you give the baby attention right away every time it cries, then it will learn to expect immediate attention and they won't ever have any patience and will expect everything right away, etc etc. THEN it went on to correlate this idea to breast feeding, and that if a mother breast feeds 'on demand' whenever the baby wants to that the baby will learn to associate food with comfort, and that this could very well be a contributing factor to the obesity rate in our country!?!?!?!!??

WHAT?!!?

Ummm, yeah, pretty sure I personally was not going to find much useful information in THAT book. Not much that I could agree with anyway.

SERIOUSLY?! They honestly believe that nursing on demand is a contributing factor to childhood / adult obesity?! I find that absurd. I really do. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is - I haven't done any research on it - but my gut instincts tell me that is absurd.

And I was reading something else the other day about babies that sleep through the night early on, but then start waking in the night to eat again, usually around 4 months. One camp is of the opinion that the mother should NOT give in to the baby and feed them in the night, because they obviously CAN go for 8, 10, 12 hours without eating, as they have been doing it previously, and so the baby (a 3 or 4 month old baby, mind you) is MANIPULATING the mother.

WHAT?!!?

SERIOUSLY?! A 3 month old? Manipulating? Really? I mean, the baby couldn't possibly be HUNGRY, right!?

I don't buy it. Nope. Not drinking that Kool-aid.

C has woken up the last 2 nights at right around 3AM to nurse, even though he has been sleeping from about 7:30pm until anywhere from 6-8am for 7 weeks now. And I am sorry, but you cannot convince me that he all of a sudden decided that he was going to *manipulate* me by making me nurse him just for kicks in the middle of the night. That baby is H-U-N-G-R-Y! He burns through both breasts and then lays back down and falls back to sleep.

I just don't get some people's mentalities when it comes to young babies. I have witnessed a mom letting a 3 month old 'cry it out' at nap time, and I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong - we resorted to some modified 'cry it out' stuff with Logan, but not until he was older, and I KNEW he was indeed old enough to try and 'manipulate', if you will, to get his way. But this was a THREE month old. And I could see that it was killing the mother to be there, listening to her baby cry and cry and cry in the other room, and not going in to comfort her. And it hurt ME to watch the entire scene. I know she was trying to 'train' the baby, because some book told her if she didn't 'nip it in the butt' now, that her baby would run her life forever, but I just don't get that. Not with a 3 month old.

Don't get me wrong. I *DO* believe that it is our job as parents to create healthy habits in our children, and I do know that it doesn't take long for a baby to get into the 'habit' of something, but I don't know. Those types of methods just seem so cold and UN-NATURAL to me.

Not comforting a baby when it cries seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Not feeding a baby when they are hungry, because some book or some person along the way said they should only need to eat every three hours seems wrong and unnatural to me.

Making a baby cry himself to sleep in an effort to train him to comfort himself seems wrong and unnatural to me.

I don't know - to each their own I guess, but all that crap just doesn't feel right in my heart and in my gut, and I am thinking I am glad I didn't waste my time reading that book. There are just so many books out there saying 'do this' and don't do that' and for every book that says one thing is the 'right way', there are 3 that say the exact opposite.

And, ya know, I am such an anxious, type A, Capricorn person and I am always worried that how I am raising the kids and what I am doing is going to 'screw them up' that sometimes, SOMETIMES, I think maybe those people are right. Maybe they are right even though my heart tells me it's not so, and maybe I AM going to screw my kids up by loving them and coddling them and not making them wait when they cry and nursing them when they want to nurse, and so I worry.

But I know, I KNOW what I really need to do is just listen to my heart...

November 2009

For Kori :-)

Click here to view these pictures larger

Day three...

Third day back at work, and things are okay. Only okay. But that is better than terrible!

Evenings are 10X more hectic with two than they were with just the one, and the hardest part is that baby C is extremely worn out, a bit cranky, and sleeping within an hour and a half to two hours of me picking him up from daycare. BEYOND FUCKING SUCKY. I have hardly seen his coo-ing, smiley, happy personality at all this week. And I know it will get better; he will get more used to all the stimulation and will adjust and won't be so tired in the evenings, L went through the same thing. But for now it really sucks. SO I have been letting him fall asleep on the boob and just holding his sleeping little self for a bit before laying him down in his crib.

This morning was a bad drop off...Baby C was crying, L was whining, I was running late. I tried to comfort the baby while helping L get his shoes off, but ended up having to turn the baby over still crying, and in all the commotion I didn't even get my hug and kiss from L and didn't get to tell him I love him and to have a good day. Not a good way to start my day.

On top of it all, today is 10 years since my friend Paul shot himself. I do not mourn him any longer; in fact I think I have stated before that I think things are better for many people, him included, the way things are, but it is still a tough memory. I still remember the day like it was yesterday, of course.

So yeah, today is another tough day. Soon I will stop posting crappy, sad, whiny posts, but that's all I got for today.

Back to work

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

It is really making me sick to my stomach, and so sad.

I know it gets easier, but it is SOO hard at first, and right now, I REALLY don't want to do it. Today cannot go slow enough. The boys and I have been playing playing playing all morning, and right now, the younger is taking a little nap, and the elder is having a bit of lunch, and I am wishing the day would drag on forever and ever.

If shit wasn't all messed up at work it wouldn't be quite as bad. Last time I was on leave, that place was toxic when I left, but things had changed while I was out, and I returned to an altogether different place. BETTER different. This time, it was decent when I left, but is almost more toxic now than it was the last time. I really have no desire to go back to that. I am keeping my eyes open and looking for something else, but there just isn't much of anything around here in my line of work...

I have always said I didn't think that I want to be a full time stay at home mom, but this time, I don't know. If we could afford it, I probably wouldn't go back to work. It just feels different this time. I know FOR SURE I could go for only working 3 or 4 days a week - that would be a perfect balance. I could still work outside the home, which I DO honestly enjoy doing, but also get ample time at home with the boys...

I have been holding baby C as much as I possibly could for the last week or so. I honestly don't care if it causes him to get used to being held and causes issues for my daycare lady; he will adjust. I have just needed to keep him as close to me as possible these last few days of our undivided time together. I have even been keeping him in bed with me when he wakes up for his 5 or 6 am feeding; nursing him laying down, both of us falling back to sleep together when he is done. I NEVER did this with Logan, but I can see the draw of co-sleeping - how wonderful to snuggle next to my little one. To hear the measure of his breathing and feel his breath on my chest. The smell of him while I sleep. To wake up to his rooting around and grunting and to see him smile when my face is the first thing he sees upon waking. *SIGH*

So yeah. Tomorrow is going to suck big ass. As will probably the next 2 weeks, until I can get back into the routine. At least Thanksgiving Holiday is coming up fast, and in only a couple of weeks I will get 4 straight days with them again.

Wish me luck.

The elder is done eating, so we are gonna play some puzzles before his nap, and then I am gonna snuggle the younger and hope the afternoon and evening drag on.

I AM still alive, I promise!!

Where to begin?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since August 21st. I have thought about it, and wanted to, and there have been a million times that something oh so sweet and cute has happened, and I have started composing the blog post in my head, but when it comes down to actually finding the time to type it out and post it, I fall short. On the days I have both boys (Tuesdays / Thursdays) I don't have time to breath, and on the days it is just the baby and I, I am usually running errands or napping. And when I get the boys to bed at night, I usually just want to shower and go to sleep myself. And, W is still not working consistently, and I find it hard to blog when he is lurking around the house...



8 weeks...my baby was 8 weeks old yesterday. I can't even believe it. He is beautiful and amazing and such a joy. He fit himself right into our family, and it is already hard to imagine a time that we were a family without him. He still looks SO MUCH like his big brother, although he is starting to take on his own unique look. Even though he looks so much like L, L tends to look more like me and my family, but Cj is going to look more like W. I have a baby picture of W from about 6 mos old, and every time I look at Cj, I think of that photo of W. Which is AWESOME. Being adopted, I think that having his children look like him is a very big deal to him...he wouldn't come out and say it, but I can imagine how it must feel that for the first time in his life, he has someone (two someones now!) who actually share his DNA. Two people who share his blood, whose features resemble his own. I think it bummed him out that L came out looking so much like my dad, and so it makes me really happy that Cj is looking more like him.





Ya know there are those babies you hear about, the ones that start sleeping through the night at an unheard of young age, and you think there is NO WAY that they really exist, because your child didn't sleep for more than a couple hours at a shot for the first 6 months, and not through the entire night for 14 months? Well, they DO exist!?! And I HAVE one!?!

I thought for sure it was a fluke when I woke up at 4:30 am on that morning 2 weeks ago with my breasts EXPLODING with pain and thought "He hasn't woken up yet?!!?" and went in to find him still sleeping peacefully. I thought there was NO WAY it would last, and so I was thankful for the ONE great night of sleep, but didn't even start to hope that it might last. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and the next, and I still can't believe that over 2 weeks later he has consistently slept from about 8:30 pm until anywhere from 5-6:30 am!!! I still don't quite know how to handle myself with getting all this sleep and feeling refreshed! Most days, I don't even want a nap! Like I said, at this age, L was up every 2-3 hours to nurse, and I was a walking zombie for the first year of his life. What a delightful difference!! I only hope he keeps it up when I go back to work next month and actually have to use my brain again.

L has been adjusting *pretty* well. He loves his little brother so much, and my heart just melts in to a puddle of goo when L points to his ear and says "He has wittow tiny ears mama, and *I* have BIG ears! And he has wittow tiny nose, and *I* have a big nose! And he has wittow tiny finners, and *I* have BIG finners!" and continues to point to all of Cj's little tiny parts and exclaim how his same parts are BIG! And when Cj cries, and L raises the pitch of his voice just like his mama and tells the baby "Shhhh, it's otay Caywen, don't cry, shhh, it's otay baby, you're otay, mama's comin'"...saying everything that I say to comfort the baby, and patting him on the chest or the head...and then he leans over and kisses his head...*SIGH*. Yeah.

And now, when L cries, Cj is starting to do the sympathy cry!! He pouts out his little bottom lip, and scrunches up his face, and lets out this cry, which I know is his sympathy cry, because it surely isn't his I am hungry, or I am tired, or I need a change, or his just cuddle me cry - it isn't any of those cries...It is definitely a different cry, and it is TOO CUTE!

So L is super cute with his little brother, but he has started acting out a bit, which makes me SO SAD. Could be a combination of his age and the new brother, but he has been naughty like never before. Not always, but he is definitely pushing and testing, and sometimes just plain being naughty. We have started to have issues with him getting out of bed at bedtime, which we never had, and naptime has been sheer hell. It makes me sad when he is naughty.

I think I have been battling a bit of postpartum depression this time...Nothing too serious, but it is a bit more than just the few days of baby blues I went through with L. I feel detached from life and kinda lonely and secluded, but when I DO have the opportunity to do something or get together with someone, I don't feel like doing it. And I have been avoiding doing things that I need to just take care of, and other things that I *should* enjoy doing but just don't have the drive to do right now. It is a bit overwhelming with the two of them, and there are times that both W and I are on the verge of ripping out our hair with L's new naughtiness and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I get overwhelmed by the fact that there is always someone or something NEEDING me...if I am not nursing or tending the baby, then L is needing my attention, and if it's not him or the baby, then W needs me, and if it's not them, then the house needs some cleaning, and when the day is over and I finally get a moment to sit down for MYSELF, then the damn CAT needs me!! I remember feeling this way with L too at this age, but it is two fold now that I am trying to balance a baby and a toddler. And I know that, as a mother, this is never really going to go away, is it? But it will get better, and I will get time for myself again at some point (at least a *little* time), and there will come a day, sooner than later, when I miss the chaos of this phase of our life...but right now, in the midst of it, it gets a bit overwhelming at times...

And, W is still not employed, and I have just been trying to ignore that whole situation and the what-ifs and how-the-hell-are-we-going-to-make-its, and so instead of feeling anxiety over it, it is adding to the depressed state. I know I will feel enough anxiety over it in January when the unemployment runs out if he is still not employed. For now, I am going to continue to ignore it, and hope it somehow magically works out.

But for now, I have 5 weeks of maternity leave left; 5 short, precious weeks to focus entirely on this new little person, and I am going to just try to forget everything and enjoy it.

Did I mention that Cj is HUGE?? I had him in for some breathing issues at 5 weeks, and he was 13.5 pounds already!? The doctor told me to quit fertilizing him, and I told her I can't help that my milk is AWESOME and that he likes it so much :-) He goes in this Friday for his 2 month check, I am curious to see how much he weighs now. As for the breathing issues, she suspects he has a condition called Tracheal Stenosis, a narrowing of the windpipe which he will outgrow hopefully within a few months. She offered to send me to the ENT, but said that they will probably at this point want to just watch it, as long as he is not choking during eating. I declined the offer for now, as I trust her in that if she felt we needed to see the ENT she would send me, and she told me if at ANY time I change my mind, or if anything changes or gets worse or I become uncomfortable for any reason, all I need do is call her and she will get us in right away. My friends son had the same thing; a very extreme case of the same thing, and he outgrew it by the time he was one. So, thankfully, it doesn't seem to be anything too serious.

And now, speaking of that new little person, he is awake and needing me, so I gotta go for now.

And Ms. Moon - I *WILL* get to posting our birth story at SOME point, I promise!!

Here is a rare glimpse of me, with the baby:




Here is L and his little brother...L really has no time for the camera these days, hence the looking away from the camera and not smiling, and he is saying something about 'three' as you can see by the fingers he is holding up :-)

Welcome to our sweet little baby...

BOY!!

Caelan John was born August 9th at 11:01 am. He weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs 9 ozs and was 22" long. Once it was time, he came fast and hard, but both he and I are healthy and happy and adjusting to our new family life.

I generally avoid using any of our names on my blog, for whatever reason, but this one time I felt I just really wanted to share his name with you, as I think it is unique and beautiful. It is a name that W came up with about 2 months prior to birth, and was one that I had thought was okay. I was by no means sold on it at that time, but then again, I totally thought it was going to be a non issue since I was convinced I was going to have my girl. From now on I will refer to him as Cj.

As I said, Caelan is a little replica of his big brother. He looks so damn much like L did when he was born, it is almost freaky at times. The first thing the doctor said when he was born is "He looks JUST LIKE his big brother!!!" Everyone who had close contact with L when he was little says the same thing. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a different baby - I keep having deja vu!! And when L holds him, it is the weirdest thing - it is like him holding a newborn version of himself...WEIRD!!

So I didn't get my girl. And I will be honest and say that there was some disappointment for me in that, but not for long. How can one remain disappointed when a beautiful, healthy, sweet little baby, boy or girl, is laid in your arms, and nurses at your breast, and looks at you with that look that says "Hi mama, I have been waiting to meet you"?? This Mama surely couldn't. As soon as that little man was in my arms, looking like a little replica of his big brother, all thoughts of disappointment dropped away.

I did, however, get my unmedicated (mostly), vaginal birth, even though this little guy got his shoulder stuck like his big brother did. Due to my history of shoulder dystocia with L, along with the fact that this baby was situated exactly how L had been (head down and very low for a long time prior to birth), my fear of a repeat and my VERY STRONG desire not to have a C-Section, I had taken a little advice from my friend Ms. Moon and spoken to my doctor before hand about our plan in the event this baby did indeed have should dystocia, and I am SO THANKFUL that I did. Many a doctor would have immediately taken me for an emergency C-section without even trying any measures to get the baby out vaginally at that point. Thankfully, I have an AWESOME doctor whom I love and respect even more after this second birth experience with her.

I am going to share the details of my birth story, as I want to document them for myself as well, and I have so much to say about all of these emotions running through me, but for tonight, I am going to have to stop here...It is 11 pm, and W is out with the guys tonight, and L and Caelan are sleeping soundly, but I know that all too soon (soon as in like 2 hours) the lil guy will be up and ready to nurse, and I am TIRED y'all...this newborn stage is a lot of work in it's own way. But it is SO FREAKING ABSOLUTELY worth it. W and I cannot quit proclaiming these days just how blessed we are every time we look at one of our two gorgeous little boys.

So, more to come - hopefully soon, but I won't make any promises that I might not be able to keep ;0) We leave for the cabin next Saturday for a week, and I haven't even BEGUN to pack, or figure out just what we all need to bring this year, so it will be a busy week next week!!