I still got it...

I went out on Saturday night for the first time in a LONG time. I met up with a good friend of mine, and the group of girls she was going out with. Most of them I know, but would not necessarily consider them 'friends'. They got all dressed up and looked very good. Due to my slacking this year, I did not have a costume planned, and did not feel like trying to throw one together. I have my sexy vampire costume in the closet from a few years ago, which looked SMOKIN' on me that year, but I am not feeling all that sexy these days, and just didn't want to go there...I would have probably looked okay, but not near how I looked in it a few years ago, and would have just felt self conscious and disappointed in myself. So I just wore one of my outfits that I DO really like how I look in right now, a blue v-neck shirt (that makes my blue eyes totally pop) under a black vest, and my best blue jeans.

We grabbed a bite in a nearby small town and then headed back to our town to the bar. It was GREAT fun, there were a bunch of my good friends from back in the day there, and alot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Of course, as soon as I walked through the door everyone was asking where the hell W was (it's like that if one of us is out without the other) and I tried calling him a few times, but he roofed all weekend he was tired and ended up falling asleep on the couch.

I danced, and chatted, and smoked (hey, it's what I do when I go out; I don't drink, so I figure a little social nicotine ingestion is what I get to do to release when I go out), but the best part of my night by far has to be the compliments I received. I was told by 3 different guys how beautiful I am :0)

The first is a guy who's been my friend for about 15 years, who has expressed openly many times how awesome and attractive I am, and how he has always felt this way about me. Whenever I see him, he reminds me of this, and is not afraid to tell anyone (including my husband) that I am the shit. No matter how many times I hear this from him, it still makes me feel good.

The second was a guy who appeared to be in his early to mid 20's, whom I have never met before. He was dressed as a nerd, and pulled it off very well :0) He was coming out the door to smoke just as I was going in, and said to me as we passed on the stairs "WHOA, beautiful, where are you going so fast?" To which the friend that I had been talking to (who is, of course, friends with W also) said "She's taken, buddy" which made me laugh out loud. The nerd went on to say that that is okay, but that I have the most amazingly beautiful blue eyes that he has ever seen, and that he was very much mesmerized with them. I blushed and said thank you, and tried to accept the praise that was being laid down. I stayed and talked to him for a couple of minutes, in which time he continued to rave about my eyes.

The third was a guy whom I have met only a few times, who works with W, and whom I seem to be sharing some mutual sexual tension with. He is very built, and was dressed as the Incredible Hulk; he had on shorts without a shirt and was painted all green. YUM. My attraction to him is on a very basic level; as in if I were single and looking for a little man meat, I would take him home in a second. The feeling appears to be mutual after the few encounters we had on Saturday night. Any doubts of that were wiped out by the things he said to me, starting with an exclamation that I look better every time he sees me, and including a very descriptive comment he made about what he would do to me were I not with W. He seems to be a nice guy with a checkered past who appears to have problems finding girls that want anything more than a fling with no strings attached. I feel bad for him in that respect, but can understand, I guess! I love my husband VERY much, and have absolutely no desire to cheat on him or not be with him, but I will not deny that a little sexual banter and attention from other attractive men once in awhile feels DAMN good, and is a great self esteem booster.

I have had trouble in the past accepting that men could find me attractive. I have always struggled with my weight and body image. I know I have a pleasing shape, but it gets hidden under a little extra insulation most of the time ;0) Yes, there were a few years in there when I was in GREAT shape, and it was probably the only time in my life that I would say I had a great body to go along with my pretty face and my personality. But even THEN I had a hard time seeing my body as anything but average.

I still don't quite understand it, but get that, at least with the guys that know me, it has to do more with the 'whole package' than anything to do with simply being physically appealing, and I will take overall beauty ANY DAY over simply being 'hot'.

It is great to know that I still got it :0)