The 'f-bomb'

So there's this guy at my work who really hardly EVER swears. Which is pretty much the opposite of me. I try not too, but I was (practically) raised in a bar, or so it felt from my perspective as a child, so it's not my fault, I swear (hehe). Sometimes I go through phases were I tone it down quite a bit, but then I am at it again. I don't swear in front of my child or other people's children (save for the rare occasion that one slips if I get worked up over something). I mean, I am very professional when I need to be, and I know how to behave respectably in many various settings, but when I am amongst my FRIENDS it is not rare for different swear words to intermingle into my conversation.

Back to my point. When this guy swears, you KNOW he is PISSED. MAN, does it have an IMPACT when he swears. He dropped an f-bomb the other day, and I almost had to take a trip to the ER for whiplash, I swear my head whipped around so fast when I heard that come out of his mouth!

My old boss at the bar is that way too...If I EVER heard a swear word come out of his mouth, I high tailed it the other way, and really hoped I wasn't the one it was aimed at, cuz he is a big teddy bear, but if you hear him swearing, you best run.

*I* want to be like that...I want people to be like "WHOA" if they hear me drop an f-bomb. I think I'd like to work on that.

All on me...

My parents never held back telling us how proud they were / are of us. Every accomplishment got us showered with praise and hugs and love, to the point where you just want to say ENOUGH already. Growing up, this is a good thing. Now though, thinking back to how much they praised us makes me feel even more guilty when I am overwhelmed by feelings of shame (of them).

Mom called me the other night just as L and i were getting started on our walk. We were headed to my MIL's house, which is pretty much a nightly stop on our walk. L gets upset if he can't stop and see GMa Linda and Rob when we walk by their house. I didn't want her to know we were stopping at my MIL's cuz I knew how it would make her feel, what she would say and in turn how it would make me feel. So I answered the phone already feeling irritated with her.

We chatted and I shortly arrived at GMa Linda's house and walked in...L played with Gma and Rob while I talked to my mom. Soon enough came the part of the conversation I was dreading...

"Well, I will let you go, it sounds like you have company"

"L and I just stopped at Linda and Rob's on our walk"

"Oh, well I won't keep you it sounds like you are busy with your family"

--WHAM-- there they are, the words that hit in my stomach like a ton of bricks.

"No, Mom, it's okay, we just stopped quick on our way by to say hi".

There's me, trying to make her feel better when really, I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for the way I feel toward my parents. It's THEIR choice to drink, and it's MY choice to not want my son to grow up (like I did) thinking that drinking to the point of being intoxicated EVERY night is normal. I want MY son to grow up seeing that not everyone does that.

"I will let you go. Have a good night, and one of these nights you will just have to stop by *our* house and visit *us* on your walk."

"'k Mom, love you, talk to you soon. Bye"

I hang up and the same old feelings come washing over me. The feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, resentment, shame. It's not fair; not fair that she makes me feel this way, not fair that they are the way they are.

I love my Mom and Dad so so much. Sometimes I just don't like them so so much. On the rare occasion that I get to see them on a Saturday morning I get to see their uninebriated selves, I am filled with love and longing...Longing that they could be like this all the time. Especially my dad...on those mornings, I get to see what my dad *could* be, and I love the *potential dad* so much (except for the shaking hands, of course...he will shake until he gets a few beers in him, and THAT part is hard to watch. Of course, it remains unspoke of, eyes averted. It is the elephant in the room...). Soon enough the joy is replaced by sadness because I know this state will be gone soon enough.

I hate that they drink so much. I hate that most of the time when we see them they are half in the bag (or more). I hate that they think it's normal and feel hurt when they see me spending more time with my MIL (who doesn't drink hardly EVER) and make ME feel guilty for making them feel hurt when it's their own fault. I hate that my mom thinks she doesn't have a problem because she goes to work everyday and doesn't drink in the morning before work (unlike her father, who would wake up in the night to take a couple of shots; her father who basically drank 24/7), and doesn't get falling down drunk. I hate that my father will readily admit that he has a problem but in the same breath explain it away that he has been doing it for so many years and it just is what it is. My dad who seems to be just drinking away the days, biding his time until he dies. My daddy, who talks to himself constantly and irritates me more than not these days.

I hate myself for not being able to come right out and tell her and my dad how I feel.

My brother has distanced himself. He has his wife and kids and her family, which is where he gravitates towards, which I TOTALLY understand. He likes to spend time with her family because they are about 180 degrees from what our parents are like, 180 degrees from what the atmosphere we grew up in, and 100% closer to what he wants HIS kids to grow up seeing. He gravitates toward them for all the same reasons I gravitate toward my MIL. (Funny part of that story is that his MIL and my MIL are sisters. He married my husbands first cousin. Our kids are double cousins; first cousins on our side and 3rd cousins on our spouses' side, hehe).

So I totally get it, and I don't blame him, but sometimes I get so envious of him, and somewhat angry at him as I feel I am left holding up our parents. They talk to ME about how it hurts them that he has pulled away. They talk to me like I am on *their* side. And I listen, and I give vague answers and I try to explain it from his side without just laying it all out there and letting them know that I understand EXACTLY what he is feeling and why he is pulling away. Because if I did, I fear they would be left feeling like they have no one on their side...I fear the sadness that could cause..I don't know if I can handle being the one to insert that knife and cause that wound...

I get so angry at them for giving me so little to be proud of them for.

Some days it feels like it's all on me.

Feeling a little better...

So I am feeling a little better today, thank god. It has moved into my sinuses a little more, but my throat doesn't hurt like it did for the last few days.

I have a few posts started about things that I really want to blog about, am trying to get those wrapped up, so stay tuned. If only work would stop getting in the way of my blogging!!! LOL...

I must say I am starting to wish I had a laptop; I keep thinking "OMG, what am I going to do in two weeks when I am at the cabin for 9 days and can't check my blogs?"

OMG, I think I need help.

UGH

Ugh...I am feeling worse. Now my eyes are burning and watering, I can't even get my brain to work straight and that is no good...I have 2 bids due tomorrow and really need to focus this afternoon.

I am trudging through soley on the fact that my FIL and his wife are picking L up from daycare today and I don't have to pick him up until just ahead of 7, so if I scoot outta here right at 4, I can get home and probably squeeze in an hour and a half of sleep before I gotta go get him.

Oh, c'mon 4 o'clock.

I'm a baby, I know...

Ugh. I'm sick. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my nose burns, I have the chills, and I just wanna go home and go to sleep. I HATE being sick. Of course, it happens now, when I am swamped, and cannot even go home and sleep. I was totally slow at work for like 3 weeks, and now I am swamped, and it HAS to happen now.

Damn.

Blog list stealing...

Just wanted to say thanks R, as you have (or will) notice that I ransacked your Blog list and stole a bunch...You hooked me on Andrea's blog the day after she died, I picked up on Kristin's (betternow) blog not too long ago, and today I checked out a couple of others and seriously laughed out loud at my desk, so I gotta add them so I can check them out more :) So thanks :)

The next chapter...

It's official, and as of August 8th @ 3:20pm, there will be no turning back.

DH and I decided (or maybe mostly I decided and he didn't argue?) that we are as ready as we will ever be to make L a little brother or sister...Decided that L is getting "too big", and that we should add another baby to the mix. So I called the dr's office and have an appt for August 8th to have my IUD removed. 2 weeks from today. It's very exciting and beyond scary all at the same time.

The more I think about it, the more sentimental I get thinking about the fact that this means L will no longer be our only little baby. We will no longer be able to play "Who's the cutest baby in the whole world?...L is!!" because there will be 2 cutest babies in the whole world. He will no longer be able to stake sole claim to that title...I feel a little sad taking that from him.

It just feels like it's gone too fast; I can't believe that we are already to the point of closing this chapter in our life; this chapter of 'just the three of us'. It seems like only yesterday that we were going through the whole TTC our first, the losses we had, and all of the emotions that went with it. That amazingly special time of going from being two seperate people bound as one by our love for each other to being a family bound even more so by a manifestation of that love. That time of discovering the first delicious taste of what it feels like to look at and hold and nurture a creation of that love. How truly wonderful and scary it is to realize this new role of parent you hold from now until forever and beyond. How can we already be turning the page to the next chapter?

And yet, at the same time, I cannot wait to feel those first flutters of a fetus in my belly (I remember the first time I felt L as if it were 5 minutes ago)...can't wait to have that little being with me, inside of me, every moment of every day for 10 months, dreaming and hoping and speculating and loving. I can't wait to experience again the empowerment of childbirth. To again undergo the most primal function the female body knows; to feel that connection to our mothers and their mothers and their mothers' mothers; to all mothers since the beginning of time...I can't wait to see what the next creation of our love will look like; will he or she look just like L did? Nothing like L did? Have a similar or divergent personality as L? I long to hold another baby to my breast. I just fear that I may feel like I am neglecting L as I revel in all the joys of a newborn baby...Fear that I somehow won't be able to manipulate time so there is enough to enjoy everything as much as I want to.

I know that this next chapter will be no less special than the previous, and that L's role as a big brother will be no less meaningful and wonderful than his role as the 'only child'. I have no doubt that my heart will simply grow and I will have more than enough love for everyone and that unimportant things will be set aside and this will allow me to somehow find the time to really focus on the things that matter.

It's just the reality of time passing weighing down on me more heavily now that we have actually made this decision.