The next chapter...

It's official, and as of August 8th @ 3:20pm, there will be no turning back.

DH and I decided (or maybe mostly I decided and he didn't argue?) that we are as ready as we will ever be to make L a little brother or sister...Decided that L is getting "too big", and that we should add another baby to the mix. So I called the dr's office and have an appt for August 8th to have my IUD removed. 2 weeks from today. It's very exciting and beyond scary all at the same time.

The more I think about it, the more sentimental I get thinking about the fact that this means L will no longer be our only little baby. We will no longer be able to play "Who's the cutest baby in the whole world?...L is!!" because there will be 2 cutest babies in the whole world. He will no longer be able to stake sole claim to that title...I feel a little sad taking that from him.

It just feels like it's gone too fast; I can't believe that we are already to the point of closing this chapter in our life; this chapter of 'just the three of us'. It seems like only yesterday that we were going through the whole TTC our first, the losses we had, and all of the emotions that went with it. That amazingly special time of going from being two seperate people bound as one by our love for each other to being a family bound even more so by a manifestation of that love. That time of discovering the first delicious taste of what it feels like to look at and hold and nurture a creation of that love. How truly wonderful and scary it is to realize this new role of parent you hold from now until forever and beyond. How can we already be turning the page to the next chapter?

And yet, at the same time, I cannot wait to feel those first flutters of a fetus in my belly (I remember the first time I felt L as if it were 5 minutes ago)...can't wait to have that little being with me, inside of me, every moment of every day for 10 months, dreaming and hoping and speculating and loving. I can't wait to experience again the empowerment of childbirth. To again undergo the most primal function the female body knows; to feel that connection to our mothers and their mothers and their mothers' mothers; to all mothers since the beginning of time...I can't wait to see what the next creation of our love will look like; will he or she look just like L did? Nothing like L did? Have a similar or divergent personality as L? I long to hold another baby to my breast. I just fear that I may feel like I am neglecting L as I revel in all the joys of a newborn baby...Fear that I somehow won't be able to manipulate time so there is enough to enjoy everything as much as I want to.

I know that this next chapter will be no less special than the previous, and that L's role as a big brother will be no less meaningful and wonderful than his role as the 'only child'. I have no doubt that my heart will simply grow and I will have more than enough love for everyone and that unimportant things will be set aside and this will allow me to somehow find the time to really focus on the things that matter.

It's just the reality of time passing weighing down on me more heavily now that we have actually made this decision.