Something more...

I can't help but think I was meant to do something more than this...

I don't want to sound self important, but it has occurred to me lately that I think I was meant to do, to BE something more meaningful in this life.

I am an estimator / project coordinator for a construction company, and I like what I do, but the further along I get it in this journey of mine, the more it feels like this can't be all I was meant for. The further I walk along this road, the more what I do actually seems to be at odds with what I am finding to feel 'right'. The deeper I travel, the more irritated I get...irritated with myself for being so out of touch with myself when I made the decision of what I 'wanted to be'. I like what I do well enough, but it doesn't light a fire in my soul, it does not invoke passion...

Digging in the dirt, nurturing plants. Playing music on my violin. Taking photos of all of the amazing forms of life laid out before us. Doing things to cherish and honor and preserve the gift of this wondrous planet. Writing. THOSE things light a fire of passion within me. Running in this rat race, it is turning out, does not. And yet I feel trapped. Trapped because I LIKE the level of 'luxury' we live in (definitely using that term loosely, but honestly, I know we do have it pretty darn good). Trapped because the bills have to be paid. Trapped because I am scared. There, if we are being completely honest, change scares the sh*t outta me. I have a freakish, compulsive need for control, and the kind of change I am talking about involves releasing ALOT of control and having faith that everything will work out.

My friend L has told me a few times how she is envious of me because I get it. Envious that I got it so much earlier in life than she did. Right now, L, I feel like you are just flattering me. I may have gotten some things, but I guess I was just in too much of a haze to get the most important thing; me.

I feel like I lost so much time thinking I knew who I was and what I valued and what I stood for, but now that I am really delving into it, I am feeling like I let myself down. I am feeling like I have never really known who I am. Wasn't I sposed to have this all figured out by now? I feel lost to myself.

Being a project coordinator isn't meaningless; not to the owner's of the company that I make money for. Not to the sick people who visit the clinic or hospital and maybe receive a bit of comfort from their surroundings, which I played a role in making a reality. It is not meaningless to me and my family in that it helps pay the bills; it helps us have a home, and 2 decent cars for us to get to work, and to pay for things for my dear son, and to help pay for our trip to the cabin which we are able to take most years. But when you get down to it, I am finding it meaningless to my SOUL. I am in an industry that eats up open land building new buildings, eats up natural resources to produce the carpets and vinyls and ceilings and walls and furniture and all the STUFF that goes inside. An industry that fights legislation intended to protect the Earth and the valuable resources she provides us because it cuts into their profits; affects their ability to achieve the 'American Dream'. I am in the rat race to make more and more money, because no matter how much you make them, it is never enough...

It is starting to feel like it is directly opposite of what I want to be involved in.

I know that the last 10 years have not been a waste; although I may feel as though I cheated my soul of valuable learning time, lesson WERE learned. Sometimes we have to travel through the forest and emerge from the other side before we can see the trees. I know that this may suffice for now; my soul may allow it to continue to enable me to support my family while my kids grow. But I can't help feeling that at some point I will find the time has come for the 'something more'.