No one ever told me that having a child, being a mother, would leave me with an emotional wound so raw that I will forever feel vulnerable.
Well maybe they told me, but they described it by saying things like "You'll wear your heart on your sleeve". Said it in ways that in no way, shape or form came even CLOSE to making me understand the astounding depth of vulnerability I would feel upon bringing that little human being into the world.
I have discovered that my heart is not 'on my sleeve', a piece of my SOUL happens to currently be 40 miles away from me. Wherever that little person is, find him, and you have found my heart, my soul. The moment he came forth from my womb, a piece of my soul was ripped from my core along with him and thrown out in the open to be forever exposed. Like a snail sans shell, that piece of me is and forever will be in imminent danger. While in my care, my soul was sheltered, hidden behind years of carefully constructed walls to keep out the pain...motes dug to discourage the enemy...structures built from lessons learned. Now, this piece of my soul is going to go through it all again...all the things that I cannot protect him from, those things he needs to experience on his own to build his own castle against will no doubt hurt me just as much as they do him...
All parents come to know this, but somehow it gets passed over amidst all of the other "Your life will never be the same" type warnings one receives while waiting for that first little bun to come out of the oven. Maybe that is intentional; if one knew completely the depth of this feeling prior to having kids, we may be less likely to undertake the task; that is, until we fully understand the depth and the massive expanse of the emotional fulfillment that also come with it. Quite possibly it is impossible; impossible for anyone to fully grasp the depth of the emotion without having experienced it for themselves, and therefore impossible to explain in simple words.
I wonder how my soul will be able to handle the additional burden of having another child? I wonder, seriously, if I am emotionally capable of spreading my heart out even more? I wonder how any parent ever goes on after some tragedy or another befalls their child? How does a parent cope with loosing a child? I honestly cannot imagine having to endure what must be immense agony that comes with that, and it scares me to think that I will be opening myself even more to that possibility by having another child...
Knowing that having another child means being even more vulnerable is a scary, scary thing.
But I do not want to; no, I CANNOT live my life in fear...WILL not give up the happiness because of fear...
So Very Many Mixed Emotions
20 hours ago
2 comments:
It's not so much that no one tells, it is that no one knows how to tell you. You can describe it now because you experience it. But, if I had tried to explain it the exact same way, before you had L, it would not have had the same impact.
As parents, we explain it the best that we can..."we wear our heart on our sleeve".
I like to tell myself that the fear (that I could not bear for anything to the kiddos, the hirt and pain that I could feel) is my reminder to pull back. That it is possible to love them "too much". That I still need to let them learn and grow, play hard, get hurt, have fun.
I think as parents, we sell ourselves short. I never pictured my life this way and looking back, would have never pictured being able to do it. But I am and I do and it is never amazing to me. I just do it because it needs to be done.
I can tell you that having another one is hard. But it is not as hard as having the first. The emotion that you feel as a first-time parent is something that you can never experience again. So the second (or third or fourth) child is just as amazing, but for an entirely different reason.
Never question your heart. Your heart will never tell you that there isn't room for more. It's like that closet that you don't want anyone to know about. You keep filling it and filling it and just when you think you can't fill it anymore, you fill it with a little more.
You are right, R. You would not have been able to explain it to me in a way so that I could grasp it. I may have *thought* I got it, but in reality I would have been teetering on the edge of understanding. Definitely one of those things you have to experience for yourself.
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